Chapter 12

I sigh and close my eyes as I just stand there after my shower, Zane and Terry are sitting on the table, just talking. Lewis and Cleo are on the settee and Emma, trying to make everyone comfortable, making coffee and tea in the kitchen.

I need to think of a way out of this, I need to do something to make up for it; Anything.

"I am really sorry." I try to look as apologetic as I possibly can as I sit on my.. Terry's, lap.

"I really am." I mutter as I nuzzle my head into his neck and put my arms around his shoulders, I feel his strong arms around my waist as he sighs.

"It won't happen again." I whisper, hearing Emma snort in the background and then a cup slam down on the kitchen counter.

"It's okay it was just one big mistake." Cleo gets up from her seat and walks over to me, smiling. I nod and then look at Terry, he just smiles at me and kisses me gently on the forehead.

"A MISTAKE?" I jump as I hear a glass smash on the floor, and grab on tighter to Terry. He shakes his head at her, I watch her carefully as she starts to walk over to me.

"You've been doing this for months now Rikki, you're lucky we got you out of there tonight because otherwise you would be stuck in some grubby prison cell with your druggie best friends!" I shake my head at her,

"They ain't druggies," I manage to say, shocked at Emma's outburst.

"Whatever Rikki, you are at the end of the day. Look at you, you're shaking and sweating now.. And you haven't gone, what?" She looks at her watch and then tuts,

"1 hour, not even one hour since your last hit and look at you.." She shakes her head in disgust, and I slowly get up out of Terry's lap.

"Whatever Emma, sorry we can't all be perfect like you."

"I didn't say for one second I was perfect, but you... Have you even looked in the mirror lately, you look a mess. I can't even stand looking at you anymore. You make me sick, you've let yourself become like... like this and you don't even see it. You're just another one Rikki, some stupid little girl, who turns to drugs and alcohol to drown all her problems, you've become a slut." She spits out each and every word with such venom, I can feel myself shaking with anger, as I clench my fist and walk away from her.

"Oh that's it walk away from it all, go to your room, get your secret stash of drugs." She shouts from behind me, I shake my head at her as I feel tears stinging my eyes

"I am not a slut, okay?" I look at her as she shakes her head, "That's why we found you practically naked, in an empty room, with a half undressed man... Right.. No.. You're not a slut.." Sarcastically toned, of course, something I didn't even think she was capable of.

I clench my fist, making sure she sees I am doing so. Then I shake my head in anger, I can feel my face burning, my eyes brimming with tears of anger... sadness? Not even I know but then I spot a knife laying on the counter, I ignore them all as I walk over to it and point it towards Emma,

"Take it back." I watch my hand as it shakes, I hear her laugh, Cleo scream, Zane's and Terry's chairs scraping on the wooden floor, I watch as Lewis grabs Cleo as she tries to walk over to Emma.

"You wouldn't stab me, you don't have the guts." Emma looks away from me for a moment, towards Zane and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes.

"Rikki put the knife down." I hear Zane say, I spin towards him, with the knife pointing towards him now and shake my head

"What are you even doing here Zane.. YOU broke up with ME. Get out! I don't even want you here."

"I love you Rikki, please put the knife down." He reaches out to me but I put the knife to my own neck, shaking in rage,

"IT'S MY LIFE... WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME BE?" I wipe away the tears rolling down my face with the back of my hand, burning myself in the process. I look towards Terry and he is shaking his head, slowly walking towards me,

"Put it down."

"Just leave me alone." I whisper, as I drop the knife and run into my bedroom, crying as I lean against the door. I just want to die, why won't anyone just let me die?

I shake my head as I get up and lock the door quickly, looking around my bedroom, for something... anything. I grab the pair of scissors I used so long ago to cut my hair, and then look into the mirror, Emma's words running through my head

'Have you even looked in the mirror lately... You look a mess.' I nod in agreement with her, I look terrible.

I stumble to my bed, and look at the scissors for a moment before digging them as deep as I can into my wrist, and dragging them to make one line right across my wrist. I smile at the blood as I lay down on my bed, trying to think about something else, trying to forget about the blood dripping from my arms, I try to ignore the sound of dark, blood blots dropping to the ground, making a puddle of red liquid, surrounding my bed, separating me from everyone else. Separating me from everything I don't want to hear.

Because sometimes we lie to ourselves, just because the truth hurts too much to even think about admitting it to ourselves.

Emma only confirmed my fears; I wasn't Rikki Chadwick anymore, I was only a drug taking, stupid, horrible slut who didn't deserve to be here anymore.

I don't even want to be here anymore.

I just want all the pain to end.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

It will end this time, maybe this is my time to leave....

Maybe