Chapter 13
I wake up... again.
I didn't even want to wake up, more so than last time, but I never seem to get the one thing I desire the most, no matter how much I want it and long for it. I always seem to open my eyes.
Why can't I seem to get anything right? I can't even die properly..
I sigh as I look outside the hospital window at my Dad, he just looks at me sadly and turns away, not coming in this time but instead talking to a young Doctor. I close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else, anywhere else. As long as it's away from here, I don't care. As far away from these white walls, closing in on me. They are so clean and pure, so unlike me. I can't stand to look at them any longer, it's not fair. I shouldn't be here, the only people who should actually be stuck here is those who need help, those who deserve help. Even if I did need some help, I don't deserve it and I never will.
Five words keep running through my mind, I can't even kill myself.
I close my eyes, wishing to be somewhere else, wishing I could go back in time and change everything I let myself be, everything I become. This isn't the life I wanted for myself, my Dad or my friends. I didn't want this, I didn't mean to. Things just got out of hand, and now I don't know how to make it all better, I don't know how I can change everything. I don't know what to do.
A lone tear falls down my cheek and I turn on my side, it all would have been so much better if I had died. It would have been so much easier, not just for me but for everyone.
It's not long until I am out of hospital, I don't think I could have stayed there for any longer. I think it was all getting too much, I just wanted to go home and I just wanted to see my friends. Well friend ; Avril.
Emma and Cleo would never want to see me again, and I don't blame them, not after what I have done. I wouldn't blame them if they never wanted to speak to me, never wanted to be my friend and wanted me to give up my mermaid powers. I wouldn't hate them, I would probably feel the same in their position.
I don't know what came over me that night, I don't know what happened to me. It seems like, everything built up and I took it out on the only people who ever loved me, who accepted me for everything I was and who understood. I have lost the first real friends I ever had thanks to my own weaknesses, I couldn't even handle being 'normal' using that term weakly of course. I don't know why I ruined everything, I only ended up damaging my own hopes and dreams. I only hurt myself.
I sling my bag over my shoulder in the morning, I haven't been anywhere in the past few days. Not since getting out of hospital, I have only been numb. Just laying in my bed, trying to not think, not do anything really. I just lay there, looking up at my ceiling, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't drink, I wouldn't even bother with the drugs I knew were hidden under my floorboards. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I just thought about how I shouldn't even be here right now, today was the first day I actually got out of bed.
It's about time I got myself sorted out... I sigh and then look at the one part of my floorboards that comes up, revealing my secret stash of pot and cocaine. I shake my head and walk out of the room, I have manged a few days without them. I am sure I can last a few more. I smile at my Dad as I grab a piece of toast, telling him I am going to school and walk out as quick as I can before he stops me from going.
He seems too protective of my lately, I know he has every single right to be. I would be as well, but I just need to get something sorted. Well, try to anyway.
I walk to the school gates, sighing, I knew I was suspended, but I only needed to talk to two people, I only needed to say sorry. I smiled when I saw them, walking at the predictable time towards the school. "Guys!" I ran towards them and tried to smile, Cleo nodded at me but Emma just looked behind me. Trying to avoid my glance,
"Please.... don't ignore me." I whisper as I look down at the floor.
"What? Do you want me to be friends with you? After what you did?"
"I didn't think you would... but I just want you to know how sorry I am and it really will never happen again. I am so sorry." I look at them, hoping for some reaction.
"Sorry doesn't cut it Rikki, come on Cleo." She grabs Cleo's hand as she walks away from me,
"Please." I shout behind them,
"Until you get yourself sorted out.. We ain't allowed to hang around with you."
I nod and then watch as they walk away, Cleo looking behind her and mouthing to me, sorry. I should be the one who is sorry. Not her. Never her.
It should be me.
I shake my head, and realize my whole body is shaking. I look around and sigh, I couldn't take this anymore.
I ran all the way home, as fast as I could, ignoring my Dad as I hurried past him, straight into my bedroom, locking the door behind me and lifting up the floorboard, staring at the stash hidden underneath them. I look away for a moment, trying to convince myself not to do it, thoughts about why I shouldn't run through my head, thoughts about why I should also run though. There always seems to be more for than it does against. It always seems to be going towards the one thing I know I shouldn't do, the one thing I should hate, but love.
I smile to myself as I grab the packet, almost greedily.
This was my life from now on, I just had to accept that.