Chapter 17
"Hi," I look up at the girl standing over me, I am sitting down on the grass, thinking to myself as usual. I have been here for three weeks now, I have yet to speak to anyone or help in anyway with the group tasks set for us during our stay. I am still waiting for the day they see that I am not meant to be here, waiting for them to look at me and think 'She is not like everyone else here, she doesn't belong here'
It hasn't happened yet, but there are still possibilities. It could happen.
I nod at her, trying to look away, she has been my 'hiking buddy' since we both arrived here so long ago and I haven't said more than two words to her. She just smiles and then sits down, like my blatant ignorance towards her is just an invitation for her to sit down next to me and speak some more. I look away from her, and instead stare at the mountain we are about to climb. I look towards the top, this time tomorrow, or maybe the next day we will be halfway up there, and I will probably be looking at the top wondering what's over the other side, what is waiting for me?
My parents?
My friends?
Anyone?
Or will there only be loneliness, pain and more hate waiting for me?
Maybe there is nothing or nobody left for me, nobody is going to wait for me.
I have let so many people down, why would they even think about waiting for me to get my act together?
I messed everything up, I ignored all of my best friends and my family, I thought I knew best, when I obviously didn't. I don't know anything, I am the one who has messed it all up. I am the one who should have listened to them, I should never have gone off with Avril. I should never have let myself get like this. I shouldn't be here... I shouldn't belong here.
"Look, none of us want to be here, but we are all trying to get on and you should make that effort as well." I sigh, I know she is right, none of us asked to be put here. All of us have been forced to come by our parents, other family members, social workers... We have all been forced into this, none of us woke up one morning and thought about this stupid camp. None of us thought to ourselves that taking drugs and/or alcohol will make us end up in a place like this. Nobody wanted this.
I nodded and then looked at her, it was the first time I actually looked at her without thinking about getting out of this place. I took in all her appearance, her mousy brown hair, hazel eyes, pale complexion, I looked at her body, she was tall.. I knew that. Too thin for her height to put it lightly, she was pretty, but not overly beautiful. Her beauty was subtle, she was shy and she didn't make the effort, but I could tell if she did she would be the one to turn heads. I smile at her and then shrug
"I know that... I just, I don't have a problem."
"You don't think you have a problem, but that may not be the case." She nodded, pleased by her own analysis. I laughed a little and then held out my hand to her politely
"Rikki." She grins and flicks her long hair back, holding out her shaking hand
"Gemma."
"So, what are you doing here... if you don't mind me asking?" I grab a stick and start carving things into the mud as Gemma looks away,
"I... I don't know. I take a lot of drugs, I have been in and out of hospital because of that for so long now. I just want to die sometimes..." She pauses, and I nod at her, to let her know I am listening, and I do accept that.
"These boys in school... did something to me at a party. I guess I went off the rails after that... I couldn't handle it. I told my Dad what happened and he told me to grow up, he told me to stop lying. But I wasn't. I couldn't lie about something like that..." She trails off and I notice a shining tear falling down her face, I grab her hand and smile at her
"I believe you." She nods and wipes away the tear as she squeezes my hand
"Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me."
"It's okay.. I don't know what I would do if that happened to me and nobody believed me. I think I would have done the same as you to be honest.." I look away, back at the mountain, thinking about what I would have done if something that bad had happened to me. Wondering if anything bad did happen to me...
"What about you? Why are you here?" I shrug and wrinkle my nose,
"I do a lot of drugs as well, I go out a lot to parties, drink a hell of a lot. I do stuff with boys, I abandoned my family and best friends. I guess my parents can't handle me..."
"Why do you do all that?" I think for a moment, and shake my head, trying to fight the tears
"I don't know to be honest. I have no idea what happened to me. I guess I got lost on the way..." I sigh and Gemma seems to accept this, as she looks at me for a moment and then squeezes my hand which is still in her own.
"I saw you hurt yourself last night... I have seen you do it a few times... you need to stop."
"Oh.. I thought everyone was asleep." Suddenly I pull away from her and huddle up, putting my head on my knees, and trying to ignore her once more.
"I won't tell anyone, don't worry about that. But if they find out then you won't be going home in three weeks." I snap my head up to look at her, a confused look on my face,
"What?"
"They send people like you... like me.. to this place. It's like a big school, for children who cause too much problems within society. It's just like this, without all the walking and camping out. Kind of like a boarding school for the unwanted. They send you there if this place doesn't help you. They try to 'cure' you and when it doesn't work, they keep you there, sending you from here to there, back and forth all the time." She sighs and looks as though she is deep in thought. I frown and drop the stick I was playing with to the ground
"Have you been there?" She nods,
"How many times?"
"If I go back again then it will be my third time."
"Wow." I mutter, she nods and then takes a deep breath
"It's horrible there, they are strict, you're not allowed off the premises unless you're good, and even then it's with your parents. They make you hate yourself even more than you already do. They talk about stuff that you don't want them to, they tell you stuff to make you better, but it only makes you worse..." She looks away and then stands up,
"Hopefully you won't have to go there though." I nod and smile at her,
"Hopefully." I get up and put my arm around her shoulder, as we walk back to the camp. I see one of the counselors mutter something to another one as they see us and then smile at me. I nod back as I sit down next to my bag and Gemma sits down next to me. She is quiet, I like that, it means I don't have to talk much to fill awkward silences, she is like me in that way. We both like to think, we don't mind the silence. I don't feel the need to fill it like I do with others.
I look around the camp fire, it's 'circle time' again. Every single night there is a different question, a question I either refuse to answer or mutter a one worded answer, mostly stupid questions about our parents, if they are together or not, or about our school. Questions that have nothing to do with why we are here, well,why I am here. Questions that I don't want to answer because I don't see the point, I don't want everyone knowing my personal business.
"Tonight we are going to get serious, we want to know why you think you're here. Carl would you start for us please?" A boy sitting next to him nods and stares into the fire, putting down his tin of cold beans, I roll my eyes, not even knowing my own answer.
"I think I am here because my Mum didn't want to see me hurt myself anymore, I was hurting her as well. I would come home every single night, drunk and violent. I would lash out at her, and then run to my own bedroom, and cut myself." I look at the deep scars on his arms, and think of my own.
"She couldn't stand it anymore, and I don't blame here. Being here, with all of you, you have all helped me so much," He quickly glances at me and then turns away again, I sigh, yeah everyone except me.
"I am glad she sent me here though, I can now see what I have done wrong. I know what I did was wrong, and I don't want to do it again." I see the counselors nod in approval and I wonder if he is being truthful, or just saying it to please them. Then it moves on, the 'talking rock' gets passed on until it reaches me, I take it in my hands and just stare at it, thinking, always thinking.
"I guess.... I am here because my parents couldn't handle me anymore. They didn't want to handle me. I was too much of a pain for them, I caused too much hassle and I was always letting them down, always being someone they hated, someone they didn't want for their daughter." I sigh as I pass the rock to Gemma but Robert, one of the counselors stands up,
"Can you carry on with that please Rikki?" I roll my eyes and shake my head
"I don't know what else there is to say."
"Why not tell us why you feel like that?"
"Because it's the truth..."
"Other than that."
"I guess because I have to look into my Dad's eyes every single day and see the hurt I have caused him, see the disappointment, the anger, the sadness, the hate... I am the one who caused all of that and I don't know how I can stop doing that. I don't know how to help him anymore than I know how to help myself. I don't think I can. I was fine a year ago, I don't understand what happened to me, why I have done all of this. I don't know how any of this started. It hasn't always been like this, I was so happy, I had best friends, a boyfriend, friends.. I had fun and I would always be out, I was fine when I introduced them all to my Dad and my house, I didn't feel ashamed anymore, I didn't feel like I had to hide who I was. They all accepted me for who I was, they still loved me and they still treated me the same. I wasn't used to that, but it felt good. I was someone for the first time since I could remember, I felt loved and I was so happy. I had a life, a good life. I was finally doing well, I was making something of myself and I was going places." I take a deep breath to think for a moment, trying to sum it all up, wanting to end the story, wanting everyone to stop looking at me,
"I guess, it hurts him because nothing actually ever happened to me, nothing bad happened to me. I wasn't raped, I wasn't abused, I wasn't attacked...mugged. I just changed. I became something I told myself I would never become, something changed within me, and I don't even know what. I don't expect him to understand why, because I don't even know. He didn't do anything and neither did anyone else. Nobody hurt me physically..."
"But someone did hurt you emotionally?" One of the other girls in the group looks up at me and then looks away almost immediately as she asks, I stare at her for a moment before I nod.
"Yes, I guess, but that only made me worse... I was smoking and stuff before that.. I guess it's what tipped me over the edge."
"A boy?" One of the boys next to me wrinkled his nose at the thought of a boy being responsible for me being here. I laugh a little and then nod,
"I loved him a lot, and he said he couldn't handle the new rebellion I was going on. He said he didn't want me anymore, that he wasn't going to waste his time with someone like me, he thinks he should have known better than to go off with someone like me... someone who lives in a trailer, someone who doesn't have much money, someone who is the complete opposite of him." I sigh as I look up at Robert, but he shakes his head.
"Think about something that happened before that, secrets, parents, something." I smile a little, secrets... a lot of secrets, all the time it was don't tell anyone this, don't tell anyone that. I shake my head,
"My Mum left my Dad and I ages ago, I see her now and then, when I choose to do so. I guess, she comes on and off the scene, she will be there one moment and then she will be off with some guy. It's hard because she chooses her new boyfriend over me, when I was up there before, she rushed off because he said they had to go somewhere. I wasn't going to be there for long but she just left me in her house, not even caring what I was doing. Not even wanting to know, she only has me over because she has to, she likes to get to my Dad, he doesn't like it when we don't see her for ages. He wants me to have a Mum in my life, he wants me to have someone to speak to I guess. He doesn't understand that we don't get on, we never have. She doesn't care about me like he does, it doesn't come across that way anyway. She could go years without seeing me, she has gone years without seeing me. She just keeps coming back, determined to hurt me more, hurting my Dad in the process as well."
"I am sure that's not true, some people don't know how to be parents, and because your Mum was not there for a lot of your childhood I am guessing, then she doesn't really know how to be one. She doesn't know what to do, she can't help you, not because she doesn't want to but because she just can't. It's hard when you have a sixteen year old girl, who you may not have seen in ages, who you left and you suddenly have this huge responsibility, it's hard to know how to react." I nod at Samantha, she always spoke up, she was intelligent and beautiful, she was here because she couldn't go one hour without her next hit, she was abused by her Mother when she was younger, I remember her story from ages ago, I never did tell mine.
"I guess you're right." I mutter. She smiles at me and then looks back at the fire, thinking about her own Mother probably.
"My best friends and I had this massive secret, we always had to keep it between us, nobody else knew, we had to do everything to stop anyone knowing. I got so fed up of it all, I didn't want to keep it a secret anymore, but then again I did because I knew it had to be a secret, I know that nobody can know. I was so fed up of everyone thinking the three of us came as a package, I wanted to be a loner again, I don't know why I did but it was getting so much. One secret after another, it kept building up and I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to hang around with someone else, someone they didn't approve of because I knew there would be no secrets between Avril and I, I knew that Emma and Cleo would hate me for doing so. But I was hurting inside, I was dangerous, I wanted to do stuff they would never approve of, and I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want them to be dragged into my stupid games. I love them so much, they are amazing friends."
I sigh as I pass the rock to Gemma when Robert nods in understanding, finally allowing me to move on, allowing somebody else to speak up about their problems; more important issues. I sigh in relief that I don't have to open up anymore, I don't know what brought on the sudden change of mind; The sudden decision to tell everyone everything, to tell them how I felt and why I felt that way. It was strange for me, probably strange for them as well. I look at Gemma as she takes a deep breath, she didn't want this question as much as I did, I can tell.
"I am here because my Dad hates me. Simple as." She goes to pass the rock on but is told to keep it in her own hands, she shakes her head,
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You have to."
"No I don't, what the hell is this?" I watch as she chucks the rock ahead of her and it lands in the huge fire in the middle and she storms off, crying. I look down for a moment before running after her, not wanting her to get lost in the woods surrounding us.
"What's wrong?" I walk up behind her as she sits on the dirt floor, huddled up.. crying. She shrugs but never looks up,
"I don't know anymore, I can't tell anyone, you believed me but that doesn't mean anyone else will. I can't do this Rikki." She shakes her head and I put my hand on her shoulder,
"It will be okay, I promise, I know people will believe you but if you don't want to tell anyone that's okay. I am always here to talk to if you need to, I will always be around to help you if you need me?" She nods and then whispers a thank you. I move closer to her, and wrap my arm around her waist and put my head on her shoulder, looking up at the stars,
"It's all going to be okay, you will see." She looks up for a moment, and stares at the stars as well, before wrapping her arm around my shoulder. I smile at the new friend I have made, it wasn't so bad here after all. I would be out of here in no time, and it would all be okay then.
Things could go back to the way they were before, I could be the Rikki I was before. I could have friends and a boyfriend, I could see my Mum when I wanted to and I could see the love in my Dad's eyes again. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to be in pain no more, I don't know where all my hate came from, but I would figure it out one day. I have to.