Chapter 22
I sigh as I walk from English and into Jayne's office. Stupid sessions, I hate them, they are so boring. I have had exactly six weeks of them now. And I don't feel any different, so much for them working for everyone. Don't help Gemma either, it would of course help if she told them what was wrong with her, but she never opened her mouth about that. She wouldn't.
"We are going to try something different today." Jayne says as I sit across from her, she is sitting behind her desk, looking through some paperwork as I set my bag down on the chair next to me.
"Okay whatever." I roll my eyes and look around her office, all the certificates on the wall, all the photographs surrounding room, all the people she has met and helps – their letters are pinned up on a big board on one side – Sometimes I look at them and wonder if I will ever send her one of these, if I will be sending her photographs of my new life, letters on how amazing it is. How much better I am.
Even if I was better though, would I thank her? Would I send her letters full of fake gratitude and happy memories of this place?
I look at her as I she picks up a small mirror and holds it out to me, I look at her raising one eyebrow, taking the mirror slowly.
"What do you want me to do with this?" I don't nod towards it, I don't even want to look in it, I don't want to see the mess I have become, I ain't ready for it yet.
"I want you to look into that mirror and tell me what you say, who you are." I laugh nervously, and shake my head,
"And what good is that? I don't think it would help me in anyway." I shrug and set the mirror down on her desk, shaking my head. I sigh as I look around the room, not looking at Jayne.
"Just do it Rikki, there is no need to be awkward about this. It's not that hard, it's a simple task." I shrug again and watch her as she picks up the mirror, walking over to me and places it in front of me, I stare at my reflection and look away quickly. Ashamed by what I see.
"Tell me what you see." She repeats, I roll my eyes and grab the mirror off her and stare into my eyes, thinking for a moment.
"I don't know, what do you want me to see?" She shakes her head,
"This is honesty Rikki, not what I want you to see."
"Give me an example then." I wrinkle my nose, not liking this task at all,
"Bad daughter." She sits down next to me, moving my bag out of the way. I nod once and then look into the mirror,
"I am a bad daughter."
"I want you to shout it Rikki."
"I am a bad daughter." I say a little louder, staring at my own reflection in disgust, that was the truth, I was a terrible daughter, stupid, ugly, fat, horrible, horrible daughter. I didn't even deserve my parents, someone like Gemma needed them. My Dad was amazing, he would make a wonderful Dad to someone who deserved it.
"Louder."
"BAD DAUGHTER!" I shout as loud as I can, holding back the tears, looking away from her and then back at the mirror,
"Bad daughter..." I whisper to myself, shaking my head.
"What else do you see?" I shrug and look deep into the mirror,
"Horrible friend, terrible girlfriend." She nods,
"What else Rikki?"
"Undeserving, stupid, stupid girl..."
"And?" I watch her edge closer, suddenly interested in what I am saying, I shake my head and go to set the mirror down, her hand stopping me, I look at the reflection again,
"Ugly, fat, stupid, worthless girl, okay?" I shake my head and look out of the large window, waiting for the bell to ring, knowing it wasn't going to go off anytime soon.
"You're a horrible person as well ain't you? You betray anyone who ever loved you? You steal from them and ignore them, you make them all hate you. You're hated Rikki." She whispers, I shake my head,
"No... No they don't hate me." Tears start falling down my face but this time I don't care, I don't bother holding them back.
"They don't hate me.." I whisper, chucking the mirror across the room, watching it as it smashes against the wall. I draw my knees up to my chest and look out of the window, not noticing Jayne move to the other side of me and put her arm around me,
"I thought you were supposed to help me, not screw me up even more than I already am. I thought you were here to make me better.."
"I had to know what you were thinking Rikki, I have found the one thing you know is not true. You're not hated." She smoothed out my hair, as the tears carry on falling down my face, I sniff and look at her for a moment,
"They should hate me though, I would hate me if I was them.. I hate me..." I sigh as I curl up tightly, hiding my face from her.
"It's okay, we need to work on everything else, we need to make sure you realize that you're none of those things. We are finally getting somewhere, it's okay."
"Can I go now?" She nods and I grab my bag, running out of there and into the bathroom. Stupid girl. I opened up to her and now she knows exactly how I feel. Now she knows who I really am. Now she thinks she can help me, I don't need her help, I don't want her help.