Chapter 19

Raph P.O.V

"Why bother, Raph?" Leo looked to his brother as the door closed behind the two youngest of the group, "What do you think you're going to achieve by speaking to me alone?"

Raph shrugged and sat down on the bed next to the eldest.

"I'm doing what you would do, bro. Protecting our little brothers." That shut Leo up. "Look, it's gonna be tough for a while, but the Leonardo we all know and admire would not back down from this." Leo continued to stare at Raph, yet no emotion was apparent in his dull blue grey eyes, "What they did to you was unforgivable, but do you want them to claim victory over us? Stop being selfish-" Raph snapped sharply, making Leo jump, "You're not the only one who's lost something! We watched our father fight Shredder then thrown down a sewer pipe; April had her dad mutated in front of her eyes; Casey's entire family were gone. You didn't see how the Kraang mutated hundreds of people, how they destroyed billions of lives. You're suffering now, yes, but you didn't have to feel the fear of losing your brothers in the madness, you didn't have to stand behind a grate, unable to break through as Splinter fought Shredder, you didn't see your leader thrown through a window in a shower of blood and glass…" Raph's voice broke. "You were trapped in your 'void.' You didn't suffer the pain of watching our city fall to it's knees. It was you. Only you. That's the pain you witnessed…"

Raph felt his eyes grow damp, yet he did not care. He actually wanted to show Leo what he had been holding back since he had awoken. The hot head had held back his jealousy for his brother as he knew it was a cruel wish. Raph just wanted to escape the image forever engraved in his mind of the invasion. For some reason, he envied Leo's arrogance. He was concerned with himself only because he did not witness the horrors the rest of them had. He met Leo's eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek, his red bandana growing damp.

"You didn't see your brother and leader battle with death…"Raph ended with a whisper, barely trusting his own voice. "Honestly, Leo, we had nearly lost hope when you woke up." Leo just continued to stare at the floor. "Don said not to go into too much depth about your condition, bro, due to psychological reasons but, hey, you believe you're broken so what harm can I do?" The second eldest's words were now half way between a snarl and a sob, his anger fighting with his upset mind. "Hours we spent in the party wagon, hoping you would wake up to give us some orders or at least give us some comfort over the entire incident, but you were completely out of it. Donnie was tearing himself up over your argument and Mikey's falling apart because of Splinter. I had to do your job then, and I'm still doing it now. When we got you here, you had to be resuscitated various times, not once, not twice, but five times!" Leo's eyes widened slightly at the news and looked to his brother. "To hear Don pumping down on your shell was… horrible. Me and Mikey had to wait outside in case he couldn't get you back. Your body was shattered, bro." Raph finished, meeting his elder brother's eyes, "Your heart kept giving out and you didn't wake up… You were suffering on the inside, but just think what it was like for us dealing with that for three months… We didn't wait all this time so you could just give up when we need you the most…"

For a moment Leo didn't reply so Raph got to his feet, feeling that he had done everything in his power to get Leo to leader up, however, a hand shot out suddenly, catching his wrist.

"Raph…" Leo's voice was choked with emotion, "I'm sorry." Those three little words were all it took for the second eldest to sit back down, and wrap his arms around his brother. "It was my fault-" Leo managed to get out through his thick throat, "I should have thought about you guys… not just myself." Raph smiled to himself as the old Leonardo began to shine through the broken exterior. "It's just…" Now Leo was crying too. Before the invasion, Raph barely saw his brothers break down, but in the past week or so, emotions had been tightly strung so a crying turtle was not a peculiar sight any more. "It hurts so much…" Leo muttered, sounding ashamed of himself for admitting such a thing as pain bothered him. "I've never felt anything like it…"

Raph released his brother and looked to the twisted knee.

"I think you should let Don give you something for it, bro. Just until it heals up more."

Still trembling slightly, Leo shook his head, determined to be the stubborn leader he was.

"No drugs…" He whispered, his eyes squeezed tight as his lower lip struggled to keep firmly set against the pain.

"But you let Don give you stuff before…" the red banded turtle recalled Donnie's recollection about Leo's depression. At these words, the eldest stiffened, so Raph continued, "He told me and Mikey about what happened after Karai. About your insomnia, depression and night terrors." He soothed, hoping Leo would accept the fact his secret was out. "You don't have to fight this alone. We're here for you, bro, and we always will be."

Then Leonardo- the fearless leader- did something Raph never expected. With tears dripping from his eyes, Leo held out one wrist as the other hand gestured to his front where Raph noticed a large chip on the lower half of his torso, around his stomach. Raph's heart clenched.

"What Donnie gave me allowed me to sleep," Leo's voice was barely audible, "But they made me lose control." Looking at the mass of deep scars across his brother's wrists, Raph found he too had tears rolling down his cheeks. He had no idea to what extent his brother had been suffering. Sure, he had admitted to seeing a glimpse of some scars but he had never realised just how many littered Leo's pale green skin. "I used the small blade I have in my wrappings…" his voice brought on a tone of confession, "That was when I found the feel of the metal pressed against my skin was too tempting… I started and couldn't stop… This-" he pointed at the chip in his shell, "I…" His voice cracked, "I attempted to commit Seppuku…" From the moment Leo pointed out the chip, Raph had a horrible feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach that Leo had attempted to kill himself in the traditional honourable Japanese way of disembowelment. The position alone was a big enough clue, however due to the usual position of his belt, it was not usually visible. "I'm sorry…" Leo repeated, and his gaze returned to the floor once again, "That is why I don't want anything for the pain… I'm afraid I will try again. "

Eventually Raph found his voice.

"Does Donnie-"

"No." Leo cut in. "My shell deflected the sword thrust but the pain from that alone brought me to my senses. No one ever found out." The eldest's voice faded even more, "You won't tell him, will you?" Raph paused for a fraction of a second before replying.

"I promise. They've stressed enough already." At last, Leo raised a shaking hand to wipe his eyes and gave Raph a smile. It was small, it was laced with pain, but it was a smile. "Shall we go down and let the guys know you're alright and you're ready to start fighting again?" Leo nodded and gave Raph an arm to pull him up, which Raph did gently so not to jog his brother's wounded leg. "Metaphorically of course." He added with a smile, getting a half wince, half laugh in return.

Lacing Leo's arm around his shoulders, Raph moved to open the door when a loud cry erupted close by. Immediately he turned to the leader, but Leo just shrugged in a 'not me' sort of way so they opened the door to another loud cry. Oddly enough, the cry was not one of discomfort but one of pure entertainment for the eldest two turtles found their four companions rolling with laughter on the landing.

April barely managed to get out a,

"Leo! I'm so sorry for what I said. I'm just so glad you're up!" before Casey looked up with a massive grin plastered across his features, raised a finger to Raph and crying out a hysteric shriek of,

"Cuddy Buddy!" causing another round of laughter to break out and an apologetic look from April.

A muscle twitched in Raph's cheek at his nickname among his younger brothers for his midnight comfortings, yet he remained holding onto his brother's arm, keeping Leo upright, but when Casey grabbed Donnie's slender shoulders and held him close purring a, "Big tough Raphie likes a cuddle at night-" Raph couldn't stand it anymore. He let go of Leo, who grabbed the railings for support, them cracked his joints menacingly and leapt forward at the laughing teens.

"Cuddle this!" He snarled, but through his anger he heard a small chuckle from Leo and as he began beating the lights out of his brothers and friend, he smiled. Leo was slowly coming back to them.

So Raph's now know to be a softie, and Casey will be bound to use this every chance he gets!

So:

Will Leo take something for the pain?

Will he begin to move forward?

How will the humans react to the whole saga of Leo's recovery to his face?

Hope you enjoyed and there's one last chapter coming up!

LL99 OUT!