A/N: And now we're back… from outer space!
….
'Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder' or 'Never Let A Player Have An Monstrous PC Outsider'
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer: The Pathfinder system is owned by Paizo. Akamatsu Ken owns Negima. I make no money of this. This is parody and protected speech.
….
"And… yes!" Haruna cheered. "Level up!"
"Level up!" Nodoka agreed.
"Level up!" Konoka chirped.
"Level up," Setsuna nodded.
"Level up?" Ayaka said, confused.
"Level up," Asuna explained.
"Level up," Sister Shakti noted.
"Level up!" Negi said happily.
"Er, not you, Negi-sensei," Yue said apologetically. "Your wizards all kept dying, so you kept losing your exp. You're only still halfway there."
"Eh?-!" Negi 'eh'd'. "But Ada-san leveled up!"
"She kept earning RP bonus exp," Yue shrugged.
"Don't worry sensei," Ayaka said. "Now that you're not dying, you should level up in no time."
"So, how do you want to level up?" Yue asked, as if she didn't know.
"I'm getting a PC class," Haruna said. "Might as well put this ridiculously huge Charisma bonus to some use."
"So you're going anti-paladin?" Nodoka said hopefully.
"I'm thinking some kind of sorcerer. Bards don't get enough spells to be worth the trouble and I can already do suggestion and stuff, Nodoka-chan," Haruna said. "I only qualify for the vanilla paladin class. And I really don't swing that way."
"A girl can dream," Nodoka sighed. Except for Shakti and Negi, everyone twitched at Haruna's lack of reaction at the accidentally innuendo-laden exchange. It was still so frickin' weird. "What happened to the days when people played as fighters or barbarians?"
"We learned the difference between linear and quadratic progression," Asuna said. There was a beat. "Why are you all looking at me like that? I passed math, remember."
….
"I grab him and restrain him," Negi said confidently.
"Are you sure you want to do that, Negi-sensei?" Yue asked, in the tone of someone all but screaming, 'no, don't do that you stupid idiot!'. "I'm sure you can use hold person instead. "
"I don't know that spell," Negi said, and then added with the pride of someone who'd finally gotten a handle on the rules, even if they personally believed the rules were bloody stupid, "And I haven't prepared it today."
"I'm sure you're mistaken," Yue said, in a tone that screamed 'take a hint, you moron!' as Haruna, Nodoka and Ada tried to steal Negi's character sheet and write something on it.
"No, no, it says so write here," Negi said unhelpfully, pointing where his spell list and spells per day were clearly written.
Yue gave him a despairing look. She looked down at the relevant page of the core book. She had horrible flashbacks to previous editions. She looked at the flowchart she used to bookmark that page. More flashbacks. Damn it, she should have figured he'd do something like this! She made an executive decision. "Unfortunately, by some freakish coincidence involving shoddy construction, the entire building collapses."
Everyone but Konoka and Haruna died and had to reroll new characters, and Negi had to make up yet another anagram of 'Nagi Springfield', but in the end the other players agreed that Yue had made the right decision.
….
"Dearly beloved," Konoka intoned. "We are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to mourn the deaths of these nice but insensitive people. They died tragically when a building mysteriously collapsed on them in a way that was totally not the wizard's fault for trying to initiate a grapple."
There was a pause.
"Okay, bye-bye and thanks for all the stuff you left me," Konoka said brightly. "I'm so happy you decided to donate your possessions to the church after your deaths."
"Eh?" Setsuna cried, looking heartbroken. "Oujo-sama, was it all a lie? All this time you were saying you were my friend, you were just waiting for me to die so you could steal my guns?"
"Oh, don't kid yourself Setsuna-san," Nodoka said dismissively as she gave the other librarian an annoyed look. "I had way more expensive stuff than you. You better be donating that Handy Haversack to the totally-trustworthy rogue you'll be meeting soon!"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that!" Konoka chirped. "As the last keepsake from a dead friend, it would dishonor her memory if I so cavalierly gave it to someone else. I'm keeping it."
"Yue!" Nodoka cried.
"You're dead, stop complaining," Yue said.
Nodoka pouted, then looked sternly, crumpled up the sheet she'd already half filled-out with details of her new rogue, threw over her shoulder to land imperfectly on top of the lamp next to the trashcan, knocking off the last piece of paper she'd thrown there and making that fall into the trash can instead, she began to furiously rewrite a new character.
….
"So," Negi said as he finished his new character sheet, "the name of my new character is a human wizard named– "
"Yeah, some anagram of 'Nagi Springfield, we get it," Asuna interrupted.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Negi said piously. "And it's really rude of you to interrupt someone when they're talking."
"I'm going with a Paladin this time," Asuna said. "Being a wizard is too much work."
"Summoner," Ayaka said, who'd cottoned on to the rules. Liking a boy only went so far. "I am Lady Winter the Burgundy."
"Another Bladebound Magus," Ada said. "I think I'll call this one Rand."
"I'm a female Gunslinger Tiefling," Setsuna said, "who had to leave her home when she was young because she was hated by all for being a demonic half-breed."
"Setsuna, this is a safe place," Asuna said gently. "Everyone here is your friend and cares about you."
"Er, thank you for saying so Asuna-san, but what does that have to do with anything?" Setsuna said, looking confused.
Asuna threw up her hands in exasperation.
"I'm playing the chaotic evil dark elf cleric of Gyronna, Akonok," Nodoka said, looking at no one in particular.
Negi blinked. "Why is your character's name 'Konoka' spelled backwards in English?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Nodoka said piously.
As Negi wiped his nose from a rather large sneeze, Yue got to the story. "All right, Konoka and Haruna meet you all at a bar– "
"Why would we be at a bar?" Konoka said.
"Either you're celebrating your death-gotten gains, getting plastered in despair or are toasting the worthy lives of your deceased party members, take your pick."
Konoka raised up a glass towards Haruna. "A toast! To fallen friends!"
"To friends regardless of whether or not they were fallen, that's just celestial propaganda and isn't a real thing," Haruna agreed.
"She obviously set us up, or she'd be trying to convince higher-ranked members of her church to resurrect us at cost of material components," Nodoka grumbled.
"I tried, but we're not running a charity," Konoka chirped.
"It's a church! They're supposed to be charitable!" Nodoka said. "Outside of Cheliax, anyway."
"So!" Yue repeated loudly. "You all meet at a bar."
"Akonok takes the drink Konoka already paid for and gulps it down." Nodoka narrated.
"I dive behind he bar in case of bar brawl," Haruna said.
"Can I use 'Summon Monster' to make Takahata-sensei appear and discipline them?" Ayaka said.
"Tempting, but no," Yue said. "This isn't that kind of game."
"Why do they call them 'paladins'?" Asuna wondered. "They don't have anything to do with Charlemagne."
Everyone stopped and stared at her.
"I believe I speak for everyone when I say 'what the hell?'," Ayaka said.
"Language," Ada chided.
Asuna glared at Ayaka. "What? I can't know about Charlemagne?"
"It's more that we cannot conceive of how you'd possibly remember anything about Charlemagne," Yue said.
Asuna hmphed. "If you must know, Christopher Lee-sama made a heavy metal opera about him."
There was more staring.
"I feel I must repeat, for the sake of further clarity: 'what the hell?'," Ayaka said.
"What were you doing listening to a heavy metal opera?" Setsuna asked more specifically.
"Sir Christoper Lee made an opera?" Negi said, awed.
"Heavy metal opera is a thing?" Haruna said, awed.
….
"All right," Yue said, a few nights later, the last session having degenerated into a random tangent about heavy metal opera. "You all meet in jail for instigating a bar brawl."
"I was framed!" Konoka protested. "I was just innocently toasting a drink to the memory of my dead friends, may they rest in peace, when some hooligan attacked me!"
"Konoka, what are you, fifty? Who uses 'hooligan' in this day and age?" Asuna asked.
"I do," Ayaka said with a sharp look.
"My point exactly," Asuna nodded.
Ayaka cracked her knuckles.
"ANYWAY!" Yue said loudly. "You're all in jail! Go!"
"I break out," Nodoka said confidently.
"Nodoka-chan, you're not a rogue anymore, you're an evil cleric," Yue reminded her.
"Oh," Nodoka said. "Darn it. Are there any nearby corpses I can use?"
"The jail isn't that bad," Yue said flatly.
"I demand to see a lawyer," Haruna said.
"You were told earlier it's the middle of the night and the lawyers are less likely to screw you over if you let them sleep," Yue said.
"That sounds reasonable," Ada agreed.
"I still demand to see a lawyer," Haruna said.
"You're told that the only person who'd consider showing up at this hour is Lady Velroth, a retired paladin," Yue said.
"Wait, they can do that?" Haruna said.
"Yes," Yue said. "There's no 'lawyer' class, it's just putting skill points in 'knowledge'. Besides, I figure paladins would need a lot of lawyers to get away with going around smiting things."
"That's a defamatory stereotype, which I find very offensive," Asuna said.
"Wouldn't becoming a lawyer be against their 'Lawful Good' alignment?" Ada said
"Defamatory stereotype!" Asuna repeated.
….
"I'm being charged with what?" Nodoka exclaimed.
"You're charged with kidnapping the townsfolk of Beacon and dragging them into the woods as human sacrifices for daemons and zombie material, as well as starting a forest fire," Yue said. "Apparently, you fit the criminal profile of the necromancer given in the reports."
"But we killed that guy!" Nodoka said. "He was hit be a cart while crossing the street, covered in fish guts, and got eaten by cats!"
"Unfortunately, most of the people who could testify such have mysteriously died in a collapsing building," Yue said. "And the sole remaining witnesses are under suspicion."
Konoka blinked. "Huh? Why am I under suspicion?"
"A lot of wizards are reported to have died in your company," Yue said, just the faintest hint of a smirk on her lips. "The events have happened so close together, and in some truly insane circumstances, that there's reasonable cause to suspect you and Haruna are serial killers."
"I'd like to contact the Temple of Calistria to confirm my bonafides as a fully paid up prostitute and respected member of the community who would have absolutely nothing to do with such evil things," Haruna said.
"I'm a paladin," Asuna said. "Who still has her powers. So I can't have anything do do with this, right?"
"If that were true, there'd be no such things as paladin lawyers," Yue said.
"But, I'm here investigating a lead!" Konoka protested.
"The rogue whose job it was to investigate died when that house collapsed, so you no longer have legal authority to do so," Yue said. "Also, since she died while on an investigation, there will be an official inquiry into matters. All your items have been seized as evidence."
"Suddenly, I feel much better," Nodoka said.
Desperately, Konoka looked towards Setsuna. "Set-chan! Help me!"
"I'm a Tiefling," Setsuna said, face bland. "Elves have nothing to do with me that isn't throwing rocks to chase me away."
"Damn it!" Konoka cried.
….
"Why am I in jail too?" Konoka wailed.
"Look, all the evidence was against you both," Haruna said, patting her on the shoulder. "The sacrifices, the suspicious wizard deaths… really, what else would have happened? All the witnesses are dead and mutilated, so that rules out Speak With Dead and stuff. But hey, we're innocent and stuff."
"I call upon my undead hordes hiding outside town to break me out," Nodoka said. "I'm evil, I don't mind doing that."
"Wait! Take me too!" Konoka said.
"Sorry, but we have irreconcilable alignment differences," Nodoka said. "It's not, me, it's you."
"I don't like this game!" Konoka wailed. "I wanna play something else!"
….
Konoka carefully closed the copy of the D&D 4.0 Player's Handbook, only her great respect for books keeping her from hurling it away with great force. "I take it back, I want to go back to playing the better game!"
….
- To be continued…
….
A/N: Taking a break, as I've run out of things to make fun of. If I get really desperate, I'll pull out an adventure module at random and have them play through it, but not right now. My muse is at one of its lowest points, and what little I have I'm saving for an original fiction project. I might post it on Fictionpress of AO3 for input before pulling it out to publish, or I might not. We'll see.
Anyway, hope you had fun. As always, coming back to this is always an option, since it's short, easy to write fun for me, meaning I could be back as soon as this week with the right inspiration, but… well, low muse. Sorry.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.