She's the Ash
Chapter 2: Listening
Synopsis: Craig's debut album has been out for months, and Ashley's never listened – really listened - to its songs. What she does hear comes as less of a shock, but more as a pleasant surprise. CrAsh; fills in the blanks between the end of "Live To Tell" and "Bust a Move
A/N: I know that these song titles are not the actual ones on Craig's "Of Two Minds" album on Degrassi. I wanted to make up my own titles that would help Ashley realize just what she's thinking about herself, Craig, and perhaps the two of them together. I also apologize if this has been done before, or if it bears any similarities to anyone else fanfics; I have never read one like this, but then again, I haven't read Degrassi fanfiction in a while. Also, I know I bash on Manny in this chapter; trust me, Ash's attitude toward her gets better, but while I think Cassie Steele is talented, I want to push Mannuella Santos off a roof. :]
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"Of Two Minds," the perfect title for his album, began playing.
The first song started fast and punchy and very pop-punk, a far cry away from the funk sound he had developed while I was in England. I loved that he had gone back to his roots on the first track; it somehow validated what I was doing right then, going back to my own.
The song was called "Mania," and the jarring guitar riffs, rhythmically dominant lyrics and head-pounding bass drum reminded me so much of Craig before his medication, before his diagnosis, when he trashed our hotel room and beat up Joey, his body desperate to release the extra energy and hysteria his mind was creating.
It was amazing to me how he could not only make remember those times so perfectly, but also how he put me in his place; I saw everything and felt everything from his perspective, just from a song.
He was so talented, so in tune with himself. I used to be that in tune with him.
The second song was the one obviously about Manny, the one, apparently, where Craig finally realized that the little slut was the absolute worst choice for him. "Thong Girl, Wrong Girl," indeed.
The song began at a medium tempo, starting off with just the drums and the base creating a tone that was simultaneously regretful and angry. The guitar came in after a few bars, high-pitched and fast. I giggled; it was Manny's speaking voice when she was upset, to a tee.
A few hoarse, shallow breaths sounded over the instruments, startling me. They were vulgar and suggested that something lurid was occurring in the studio as they were recording. A moan, and then a sigh, then the song shifted: it was fast, sharp-edged, and drum driven. Craig's voice chimed in, husky and coarse, very much unlike his normal smooth tenor.
He sang:
Everything had been going right
Me and my girl were doin' fine
But another caught my eye
And I was all caught up
Lust burning, head spinning
For the girl in the too short shorts
Thong-girl, wrong girl
Her kisses and caresses too sweet
I threw away lo-o-o-ove
For the wrong girl
For the thong girl
For someone I could never love.
Everything was secret, hush hush
Me and thong girl were doin' fine
But my girl was one the side
And I was all caught up
Lust burning, head hurting
My baby had too much faith in me
Thong-girl, wrong girl
Her kisses and caresses too sweet
I threw away lo-o-o-ove
For the wrong girl
For the thong girl
For someone I could never love.
And it all came crashing down
I got cocky, I got tricky
And my baby found out
I had fallen for the thong girl,
The wrong girl
And forgot what meant most to me
Now I'm all alone,
Oh
All alone
Thong-girl, wrong girl
Her kisses and caresses too sweet
I threw away lo-o-o-ove
For the wrong girl
For the thong girl
For someone I could never love.
The thong-girl- the wrong girl!
My hands shook as the guitar continued, riffing and deafening, the drums pounding on. It was astounding how well he understood that he had not only hurt me in the process of cheating with many, but hurt himself his well. The song was brilliant.
The next song was called 'Low." It was a medium tempo song as well, about loneliness and loss that perfectly complimented the last song.
"Thong Girl, Wrong Girl." He couldn't have been more right, and even he knew it. I had never understood his attraction to her, and after that song, I realized that he hadn't quite understood it himself.
And he regretted it. I was "his girl," his "baby," and the song spoke of his regret for throwing what we had away. "Low" showcased just how much he regretted throwing what we had away for a girl who considered her ass to be her best feature.
"Low" also spoke of abandonment in the second verse, and my heart sunk. It spoke of London and loss and how the two were synonymous to him now, always bringing him lower and lower and down. He sang of his love running away, from him and her own fears, and how if only she had come back, he could have made them go away. The guilt weighed down on me, crushing, my heart frozen.
Thankfully, the next song clicked on, and the guilt eased a bit. Leaving for London was something I had to address within myself- why I was always running away from my problems and thinking that it would all work itself out as long as I wasn't around. I shook my head; I was at least taking a positive step in recognizing these flaws and finally listening to this CD. I had stopped running away from the memory of Craig and me, at least.
The song that had begun playing was called, "Please Sir," an alternated between a piano-driven ballad and a rock song, the mood shifting in verse to chorus from anxiety to anger to fear, and ended in relief.
It was about his dad.
It struck me again that he was so talented; he could tap into so many long buried emotions and memories that had been bottled up for years to make me feel what he felt. There were only three people who knew what had happened between Craig and his father- Sean, Joey, and I. But Sean and I eventually disappeared and Joey became wrapped up in Caitlin and Angie. Craig had no one.
Only your headstone listens
Only your headstone pretends to care
For the millionth time since that cab drove away, my heart broke for my selfishness and for abandoning him.
The song ended with Craig singing a cappella, the silence taking over as he nearly whispered, "I forgive you."
I froze.
He-he had done it. He had forgiven his father for all of the pain and anger and mental damage he had caused.
He had let go.
I felt tears well up; I suddenly felt so proud of him for chasing those demons away so forcefully and for good, and for doing it in a way that he loved. His music had obviously become more of a release than an escape, and everything he had pent up inside of his heart and head was rushing out into my hears through those beautiful melodies and lyrics that I knew he had written himself.
I knew that he just wanted to be free, of the memories and the pain. He was starting to overcome them through this album – this collection of emotions.
I wiped the moisture away with a tissue as the next song clicked on. This one was fast, and reminded me of "Mania" – but it was a lot more focused, a lot punchier. I looked at the track list; it was called "Snow Day."
I was confused. Why this title? It seemed like such a childish theme for an otherwise serious album.
But the lyrics began, and as the song progresses, the hidden meaning of the title was crystal clear. Snow, powder. Sniffing, making snow angels in his head, limbs shaking from the cold that only existed inside of his mind
Cocaine.
I knew he had been addicted; I knew he had tried to pin it on Manny, telling Ellie that the drugs were hers. I knew he had tried to manipulate Ellie and trick her into thinking that he loved her so that he could keep his drugs.
That wasn't the Craig I knew; that wasn't MY Craig. And this song acknowledged that mistake- he had again used his music to help him heal – and I couldn't help but wonder if he had written this one while he was in rehab.
The next song was the one written about Ellie- "Red-Headed For Trouble." I was a little concerned about listening to this one; El was still my best friend, and I knew she and Craig weren't – for good reason – friends anymore. I didn't want to hear a song about how much of a bitch he thought she was when any sort of resentment on his part was definitely misplaced.
It was another rock song, but this one was less aggressive than the rest; it was playful, fun, even friendly. I was relieved.
He sang:
I knew a redheaded girl
A friend, my best friend
She was passionate, intelligent
Every boy wanted to run
Their fingers through her fiery hair
But she wanted none of it;
She wanted me
She's redheaded for trouble
She's pulling her hair
Fir a stupid boy
A stupid friend who
Wants nothing more
She's redheaded for trouble
Cause she wants me to be something I can't be
I love her, but not in love with her
I'm sorry it had to end
The way it ended
You were the best friend I could have
You've got brains, you've got looks
I'm a fool for not wanting more
I can't help it, I'm sorry;
You wanted me
But
She's redheaded for trouble
She's pulling her hair
For a stupid boy
A stupid friend who
Wants nothing more
She's redheaded for trouble
Cause she wants me to be something I can't be
I love her, but not in love with her [x2]
You wanted everything I couldn't give you
My heart belonged to someone else
She's redheaded for trouble
Cause she wants me to be something I can't be
I love her, but not in love with her [x2]
Oh-oh.
I relaxed. It wasn't as bad as I thought; it wasn't mean or caustic, just blunt, exactly like Craig. It did bother me a bit, though, they he kept referencing his love for Manny. I knew he had dated her at the same time Ellie liked him, but he didn't need to throw it into El's face like that.
Ellie and I had never really talked about the song, or Craig's album; Craig was actually something of a taboo topic with is. She felt guilty for falling in love with him while I was away- but, honestly, I had made my own bed and had to lie in it. I knew he was attractive, charming, talented and single, and she was a gorgeous and gifted girl; I couldn't begrudge her falling for the same things I loved in him.
I made a mental note to call her to hang out soon. If I was airing out all of my Craig-related thoughts and emotions, I might as well clear all of the air between us too.
The seventh song clicked on, and I was surprised not to hear another electric guitar but Craig's acoustic. The song was soft and melancholy and his voice was breathy and hushed. This was the song that had reached number one- "I Still Miss You."
He sang:
I can't talk about you, think about you
Dad never wants to hear your name again
But I can't stand the silence
I need to see your smile
Shining from the photograph
Hidden away in the dark
No one could replace you
No one can erase you
I lost you too young, with a heart far too young
Please try to hear me
I still miss you
I'll always miss you
Joey still loves you; you're in Angela's smile
His eyes always linger on your picture
But we never speak of you
Only feel grief for you
I need someone to tell me
That they'll always miss you too.
No one could replace you
No one can erase you
I lost you too young, with a heart far too young
Please try to hear me
I still miss you
I'll always miss you, Mom
If you were alive, everything'd be fine
I still need you to tell me it's alright
I feel love, I feel anger
Only you could understand
I need you to tell me
That I'm a fine, good young man…
No one could replace you
No one can erase you
I lost you too young, with a heart far too young
Please try to hear me
I still miss you
I'll always miss you…Mom
The tears really fell this time; this was the song that had gone to number one on the charts, this heartfelt, beautiful dedication to Julia, his mother he had lost to cancer a year before he started at Degrassi.
Craig and I had only talked about his mom once; but I never knew that he still missed her this badly. He was so, so good at conveying and projecting his emotions, and this song was more raw and more real than anything I had ever heard, from him or anyone else.
His music helped to alleviate his pain- his music was, truly, his rehab.
I wished I had known; I wished I could have helped him more, but before my own selfish guilt could kick in, the next song, like all the rest, began.
I knew this one so well, I could sing it in my sleep.
"Dust (What I Know)." This song was about me, written for me, and was an apology to me, as Spinner had been very quick to point out during grade eleven. This time, however, there was a new arrangement that was heavier on the keyboard and with less bass. I listened, smiling, because this was the suggestion that I had given Craig when he had wanted to record this song way back then.
The new arrangement did wonders for Craig's emotive voice, letting come out even more strongly than it had before. After it ended, I paused the CD, the need to think overpowering.
It felt so odd, hearing a song about me and knowing it was, but not actually being the subject anymore. It was still based on us, but Craig wasn't singing to me anymore.
That bothered me; I felt upset about it, sad.
I loved that song; it had set into motion my forgiveness, which led to our friendship, our band, and our rekindled relationship.
That song, back in grade ten, back during the rock contest, reminded me of how much he had meant to me, and how much I didn't want to lost him from my life, no matter how much he had hurt me.
But I had lost him when I went to London.
I lost the man who knew me best, who, despite out mutually inflicted pain, completed me and made me whole
I lost the man who urged and encouraged my creativity, who wrote songs and lyrics and performed with me. I lost my muse, my inspiration, my soul mate.
I lost the love of my life. I knew then that I still loved him, that I always had loved him.
That was why I had been so upset when he didn't credit me for my song. It meant he had forgotten me.
That was why I hadn't bought his CD when it first debuted I missed him too much, and I didn't want to hear what I had lost.
That was why I was sitting on my bed at four in the afternoon, crying over songs that obviously meant so much to him, ones he had put his entire self into. It was because it was like he was there next to me, talking to me, not far away in a life that was now untouchable, recording and surrounded by girls and fans and success and a world that I was no longer a part of.
I loved him.