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Nice reviews are better than chocolate, unless maybe you're licking that chocolate off someone.

Twenty Six

"Bella, you're being so stupid! That man would do anything for you and you just threw him away!" Alice had lost all patience; I didn't blame her. After a week of going to work and ignoring her phone calls I knew she was bound to show up at my door. But I didn't want to hear it; there was nothing she could possibly say that I hadn't already said to myself. So what the hell is my problem? I think I was afraid that at this point everything had gone too far; there was no way Edward would take me back after what I did to him.

"Alice, it's too late -,"

"No it isn't, just call him or e-mail him or something. You know he'll wait for you; Bella he loves you and I know you love him too."

"I can't; I've already hurt him too much. I would just keep -,"

"Dammit, Bella! I am so sick of hearing that. What is it? Do you like being alone? You push people away so you can do - what? You're miserable!" She paused to take a breath. "I blame myself, we let you be and let you be and now you're this," she gestured toward me.

"Thanks."

"You know what I mean. Look, I'm sorry about everything you've been through, I am, but not everybody is going to leave you, Bella. The only reason you're alone is because you leave people first," she sighed.

The rest of the conversation sounded much the same. We would lose our cool in waves until we were exhausted and the sun had gone down. By the time she left I felt even worse and I had a lot more questions than answers. Playing the victim now, are we?

Rose and Emmett both called; Rose offered to talk and Emmett offered to beat up Edward for me. He still didn't entirely understand what was going on. They tried for about a week before giving up and leaving me be.

And then I really was alone.

Edward's and Alice's voices turned over in my head constantly until I couldn't pretend to ignore them anymore. They were right. They were right? A part of me knew they were; it was the same part that was terrified that the phone hadn't rung once in three days. The same part of me that knew I couldn't get through this on my own, that I needed my friends, that I needed Edward. That I also needed more help than they could give me.

I sat at my computer holding a small stack of paper which was growing day by day; I added another sheet and straightened out the one at the bottom of the pile. I'd crumbled it up at first. I looked around, my apartment felt especially small today; checking my clock I saw it was my favorite time of afternoon. I grabbed my phone and keys and headed to the beach.

Sitting on the sand, I tried to let the sound of the ocean drown out the direction my thoughts were heading, but I still started to wonder – why am I hanging on to this? I stared harder into the water.

The sun was kissing the horizon when my phone rang and I answered quickly without checking the caller ID.

"You sound excited to hear from me."

It was Jacob. I was equal parts happy and disappointed. "Hey, what's up?" Jacob was the only one that didn't know anything bad had ever happened in my life, he didn't know about my habit of self sabotage. His ignorance was my bliss.

"So, I'm in Newport, feel like dinner?"

"Sure," I said before I could change my mind.

"You don't mind that it's early enough we're practically senior citizens?"

I laughed, "that's ok." I hadn't eaten all day. I don't know why.

We met at a restaurant/brewery in the heart of Balboa's main drag. Jacob ordered the biggest pizza they made with almost everything on it and a couple of different microbrews for us both. Between my ravenous appetite and Jacob's normal level of hunger we polished off the entire thing. "So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you or should I just guess?"

"What?" He took me by surprise; I thought I was faking it pretty well. "I'm fine."

"Guessing it is then, so…embarrass yourself in front your students?" He paused, watching my reaction. "No, more serious than that, is Alice mad at you?"

I sighed, "no, well yes sort of, she just cares is all." I took a small sip of my second beer of the evening and watched him think over my answer.

"Alice is a good friend; you should probably listen to her."

I looked into my glass and nodded.

He leaned forward a little, "ok, no more depressing stuff. I want to tell you about my new car."

I wasn't really interested in cars, but Jacob's enthusiasm for the subject made me smile; I thought he might get along well with Rose…maybe. He talked for a long while about the tub of rust he called a car that he rescued from near death. He said it was a classic and that he was going to fix it up so it ran like new. It was what he spent most of his spare time doing. As a matter of fact, his project was the reason he was in Newport that day; he had a friend nearby that owned a shop specializing in rare car parts.

Over the course of the next two weeks I saw Jacob three more times. He started bringing pictures of his work in progress with him to show me over pizza and beer. During our third dinner together, he pulled out a new picture. He smiled in a soft way that told me it wasn't a picture of his car as he handed it to me. "Things just got serious; I didn't want to say anything before and jinx it." The girl was very pretty in a sort of fierce way, like she didn't put up with much. Her dark hair was long and swept off her face as if by a low breeze. He told me more about how they met. He was driving in L.A and she was riding a bike; he almost hit her making a right turn at an intersection. He laughed and made some comment about how people in L.A don't ride bikes anymore and she called him a bastard. It was love at first fight.

We were just about finished with dinner when he brought up Edward; I'd forgotten he knew about him. My previous lightness faded and I took a drink before answering. "Things didn't really work out." I paused and then couldn't help myself, "I screwed things up pretty badly. I've screwed everything up pretty badly." I'd like to say it was the beer, but I'd only had a glass. Whatever it was, I told Jacob about what happened in New York, the awful things I said to Edward. It felt good and bad and my mind was split on how I wanted Jacob to react. One half wanted him to understand why I did it, the other half wanted him to judge me, put a label on the horrible things I already thought about myself.

He was quiet, but to his credit he didn't look away from me. He put his elbows on the table and leaned on them. He gave me a half smile, "Bella," he sighed, "you really know how to fuck up a good thing, don't you."

I know he meant for it to be taken lightly, but I felt the tears prick at my eyes anyway. I nodded, but didn't trust my voice enough to use it.

"So, now Alice has had enough too," he said, remembering our first dinner together.

I bit my lip and nodded again.

"So have you pretty thoroughly pushed everyone away except me, then?" He already knew the answer so he didn't wait for me to say anything. "Well, Bella…" he trailed off for a second; it looked like he was debating saying something. "I think you need to face some things. You're being a coward; it's not a good look on you."

I couldn't keep my mouth from opening, but I kept quiet.

He's right.

Two Weeks Later…

"They left and I wasn't…strong enough." I twisted my hands in my lap, looking down at them.

"So instead, you're saving yourself the heartache by leaving first?" It was part question, part statement.

I nodded, "yeah…yes." I raised my head enough to see the name plate at the edge of her desk. The desk itself was a heavy looking restored farm table; it was the color of white sand. The whole office looked like the beach, actually. The floors were a bleached wood and matched the bookshelves; there were sheer blue curtains which were the same shade as the pillows on the couch I was sitting on. I could see the ocean from the window. "I don't set out to, but…I start to think it would be better for…whoever it is if I were gone. And I just end up hurting them and myself."

"Are you punishing yourself by sabotaging your relationships?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that. I raised my head again and looked at her hands, they were moon pale and kind; she had long fingers. I bit my lip.

"Why?"

"I don't deserve them, relationships." I was hoping she'd let me stop talking, or say our time was up. She tilted her head and kept watching me; her hair was the color of a caramel candy. "People around me get hurt inevitably; I attract it or something." I looked back down to her name plate and spoke quietly, "I feel guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty?"

"Because I lived and they didn't."