Chapter 5

The door to Colonel Carter's office closed softly behind him, and John watched as Colonel Carter went around her desk and took a seat before him. Her blond hair was gathered at the base of her head in a loose bun, and a composed expression graced her face.

"How are you feeling, Colonel?" Carter asked, her voice soft.

"Been better." John avoided her eyes.

"We were lucky that Major Lorne's team found you and your team when they did. A little while longer, and your Jumper would have begun losing life support, and your injuries might have become even more exacerbated." John didn't say anything, and Carter seemed to hesitate before realizing that she needed to speak first.

"Colonel, you realize that I could dismiss you from your post here in Atlantis after this, right?" Her words were soft, and there was nothing in Carter's voice that indicated recrimination.

"Yeah."

"What were you thinking? Disobeying direct orders, no plan at all. I told you two weeks ago that I would have approved of a rescue mission if you could present me with a viable plan." Her voice was unwavering, but she looked as if she were honestly trying to understand something. "I'm not unreasonable, Colonel, and I would have let you go after her if you were able to convince me with a workable plan."

"Rodney was taking too long, and I couldn't wait any longer."

Carter looked down at her hands, looking as if she were trying to figure out what to say. "Colonel – I hate to say it, but you could have asked me for help." She paused for a moment, as if she were forming her thoughts carefully. "I realize that perhaps this should have been higher on my list of priorities when I got here a few weeks ago, and I'm sorry that I didn't offer my assistance at the forefront. I know that you were holding discussions with the IOA over video transmissions before I arrived, and I permitted you to return to Earth to talk with them in person. And I'm sorry that the discussions didn't go as well as you might have hoped." She leaned forward slightly. "But Colonel, you didn't have to do this alone. We could have worked together with McKay to come up with a doable plan. It's not like the thought of leaving Dr. Weir behind with those Replicators sits well with me, especially when she's the reason that all of you are here right now."

"Maybe I just have some trust issues. I don't know who I can count on anymore."

Carter looked down again, her expression contrite. "Look, Colonel – I'm very sorry about what happened to Dr. Weir. I've been involved in the SGC for ten years, and I've had my fair share of experiences where I've lost people. And it hurts. I suspect that you and Dr. Weir must have been close – it's hard not to be when you're facing life and death together. And I can't imagine what you must be going through right now." She tapped her fingertips on the table, blinking rapidly a few times before speaking again. "However, as much as I want to approve of a rescue mission for her, after what happened four days ago, I can't do that. And I'm very sorry." John didn't respond, and Carter paused for a moment, as if she were making a final choice for what she was about to say.

"Colonel, I'm not going to write you up."

Upon hearing those words, John looked up for the first time since he sat down in Carter's office, a stricken expression appearing on his face. Carter's tone was placid, and she looked at him with an unperturbed gaze.

"There's no doubt that I should, but if I turn in a report on this, the SGC will remove you from your post in Atlantis and demote you, and I can't imagine you getting away from this without a court martial." She paused for a moment, and a hint of skepticism flashed briefly over her face before resolve turned. "What you did was obviously reckless and unacceptable. But while it's my responsibility to ensure that those under my command follow my orders and to ensure the safety of this base, I'm aware that Dr. Weir chose you for this expedition for a very specific reason, not only because you had the Ancient gene, but also because she saw something in your record that she considered an asset. The fact that she insisted that you be promoted two years ago and remain ranking military officer at the time, I think, says a lot about how much she trusted your judgment and leadership, and at the time, she also had the support of General O'Neill. This mission is a dangerous one, and considering that you and your people are still here after three years in this galaxy, you've clearly done a good job overall." She paused for a moment, as if allowing her words to sink in. "While my way of doing things may be different from Dr. Weir's, I can understand why she felt that you were valuable to this expedition. So I'm willing to allow you to stay and make this new power dynamic work out between us." Carter looked down again, pausing for a moment before continuing.

"Also, I don't think the expedition members can handle another change in leadership right now." Her voice was quieter now. "I understand that Dr. Carson Beckett was killed a few months ago, and seeing as how you've earned a lot of respect here, I think it'd be too much of a shock for the expedition to lose another one of their senior staff right now." She looked up at John, her expression open and honest. "The only people other than me and your team who know about this are Major Lorne and his group of three Marines who went to rescue you, and I've asked everyone to sign a contract that binds them to confidentiality."

Upon hearing all this, John found himself completely at a loss for words.

"Thank you," he said, his voice not feeling whole.

"You're welcome," Carter replied, her voice soft. She looked down again, as if hesitating with her next words. "Dr. Heightmeyer knows as well." John looked up at her, feeling a sense of consternation wash over him.

"I'd like for you to talk to her, Colonel." Carter's expression was filled with sympathy. "You're not returning to your daily duties until you meet with her and she tells me you're ok."

Twenty-eight hours later

Dim lights shone overhead in the empty mess hall that night, and John sat alone in the middle of the room. He raised a cup of cold coffee to his lips, grimacing at the taste, and he set it back down. He heard footsteps approaching from behind him, and he watched as Teyla came around to the opposite side of the table.

"Mind if I join you?" Teyla asked.

"No, not at all," John replied. Teyla took a seat across from him, folding her hands together.

"Dr. Heightmeyer asked me to talk with you," she said.

"I know. She figured that you might have better luck with me than she did," John replied, and he saw the corners of Teyla's lips curve upward slightly.

"How are you feeling?" Teyla asked.

"Now, you see, that's the question that I have trouble answering," John responded, sitting back in his seat. Teyla looked down at her hands, as if trying to figure out what to say.

"John, when you read Elizabeth's letter…" She stopped, as if prompting John to speak. For a moment, John remained silent.

"Did you know that she was going to step down?" He avoided Teyla's eyes.

"She confided in me about the possibility." Teyla's voice was quiet. "She was quite upset that the IOA and Earth's military intervened in Atlantis' affairs without consulting her first, and it would appear that she believed that her services were no longer respected, and she had no choice but to step down. I suspect that she wrote her resignation letter when we were still trying to elude the Replicator beam back on Lantea." Teyla took a deep breath. "Even though she had imparted to me this possible decision, I did not believe that she would arrive at this resolution so quickly, even before we had left the planet."

"It's just like her," John said, half speaking to himself. "She locked herself into a decision, and she would have left the moment she could. No hard feelings." He tapped his fingers on the table, and he suddenly felt exhausted.

"I feel like karma has come to bite us all in the ass. None of this would have happened if…"

Teyla seemed to grasp for appropriate words. "It is useless to agonize yourself over what-ifs. However difficult it may be, we must learn to accept what has happened." John didn't respond, and Teyla was quiet for a moment before speaking again.

"John, I can understand the incredible distress that one experiences mentally as a result of not knowing the fate of someone close to you." She stopped for a moment, blinking rapidly before taking a deep breath and continuing. "I understand that you are a man of action, and I realize that being unable to go back for Elizabeth must create a sense of helplessness." There was a moment of long silence, and John slightly lifted his hand off the table, as if grasping for words to express what could not be expressed.

"I should be dead. I've cheated death more times than I care to count in this galaxy." He struggled to suppress the emotion building in his throat. "How is it that I'm still here, but…" John trailed off, unable to speak any further.

"You cannot blame yourself for what happened to her," Teyla said, her voice quiet, and she took another deep breath. "In a way, Elizabeth chose her own fate, and we must respect her decision." John didn't speak, and he looked down.

"In her letter, Elizabeth requested that you remain ranking military officer in Atlantis." Teyla spoke again, her voice hesitant.

"Yeah, well, that didn't really happen," John mumbled. Teyla seemed to hesitate before continuing to speak.

"I remember the first few months here in Atlantis, when it seemed that you were still trying to become accustomed to your new position among the military contingent here. And in the past few years, I have seen you gain a tremendous amount of respect among soldiers and civilians alike." She looked down at her hands, as if trying to figure out what to say next. "I realize that Elizabeth trusted you without reservation, for both work and personal reasons. And I sense that you feel as though you must repay the debt in some way." John didn't say anything for a long moment, and it felt as if a hidden truth had just been exposed.

"Three years ago, I was just a damn Major who didn't know what the hell he was doing with his life." His voice carried a sense of despondence. "Then all this craziness happened because she wanted me here. I told her she was making a mistake… but she insisted."

"Why did you doubt Elizabeth then?" Teyla asked, her voice quiet. There was a long silence, and John struggled to respond.

"Thought I'd just screw everything up." His voice was barely audible, and Teyla looked as if she were placing considerable thought into her next words.

"John, if you were not here, many more people may have died in these past few years, and Atlantis may not still be here. Your bravery and courage are admired by many people in Atlantis, and you have allowed many despairing worlds in this galaxy to believe in a better future. And what is more, you have allowed Ronon, Rodney, and myself to feel that we have someone whom we can trust with our lives." John didn't respond, and Teyla was quiet for a moment before she spoke again.

"Last year, when Ronon was captured by the Wraith and we went to rescue him on Sateda… I remember thanking you for going after him that way. And I feel that I should thank you now for trying to go back for Elizabeth, despite what has happened." John vaguely saw Teyla's hands reach out to his. "You are a good man, and your loyalty and courage are among the most steadfast of those of anyone whom I have ever known. And I believe that Elizabeth felt the same way." John struggled to speak.

"I feel like… I owe her. For everything." He felt Teyla squeeze his hands tightly.

"Had your positions been reversed on the Replicator planet, you would have done what she did." Teyla's voice was soft. "And she would be mourning your loss right now."

Ten hours later

John walked over the bridge, spotting Rodney among the computer consoles in the control room. Only two other technicians were in the room, and the Gate stood majestically below them. The early morning light filtered in through the stained glass windows, casting soft shadows in the Gate Room.

"How's it going, Rodney?" John asked as he approached.

"Well, the mess hall's almost out of coffee, and Zelenka's been delinquent in his reports for that new lab we found near the east pier," Rodney muttered, squinting as he held up an unfamiliar piece of Ancient technology. "But other than that, just fine."

"Just wanted to let you know that I'm going out to the mainland," John said. "Carter's cleared for me the use of a Jumper."

"Yeah, sounds – wait, really, Sam's letting you?" Rodney asked, suddenly looking up from his work.

"Yeah, though she said I had to take someone with me," John replied. "So Ronon's coming along."

"Oh." Rodney looked surprised. "Well, all right then." He turned back to his work, and John began heading out of the control room. Then he stopped, and he turned back around.

"Rodney," he said. Rodney looked up again.

"Yeah?" Rodney asked. John took a step closer, struggling to get his words out.

"Thank you for trying. I know you… did your best."

Rodney's surprised face turned somber, and he appeared to be at a loss for words.

"Sheppard, I…" Rodney trailed off, apparently having as much trouble as John was at expressing himself. He looked up, his eyes full of remorse. "You're welcome."

John looked at Rodney's regretful expression, and he nodded and turned away.

"Sheppard." He turned around again, and Rodney seemed to hesitate for a moment before stepping toward him and pulling him into a fierce embrace. Startled, John felt his arms raise slowly before he awkwardly patted Rodney on the back. A few seconds elapsed before they broke apart, and Rodney's face appeared a bit red.

"I miss her, too," Rodney mumbled, then turned away and stumbled back to his computer. Before John could react, he heard heavy footsteps behind him.

"Sheppard, you ready?" Ronon's voice sounded in the control room.

"Yeah," John said after a moment longer than necessary. "Let's go."

They headed up the stairs leading to the Jumper Bay, bumping into a group of Marines along the way, and John saw that Major Lorne was leading them.

"Sir." Lorne nodded his head in acknowledgement of John's presence.

"Lorne. Good morning." John watched Lorne and the Marines step aside, allowing him and Ronon to pass. As he headed into the Jumper Bay and entered a Jumper, John couldn't help but feel that he had detected a hint of apology in Lorne's eyes.

When the Bay doors opened, the Jumper rose and flew up into the blue skies over the vast, glittering ocean. John looked up at the HUD and saw that the weather appeared clear around the mainland area. There would be no storms that day.

He landed the Jumper in an open area on the mainland, their nearby surroundings filled with plenty of shrubbery, and large trees reached up high above him, the morning sun casting cool shadows on the ground. John headed into the forest, hearing Ronon's large form lumbering along behind him. Twigs snapped beneath his feet, and he hoped that his and Ronon's disturbance would scare off any poisonous snake-like creatures lurking around them.

John stopped at the base of a large tree, and he settled down on the ground, placing his weapon beside him. He leaned back against the trunk, stretching his legs out in front of him, and he folded his hands together on his lap. He heard Ronon settle down next to him, facing his left, and for a while, John allowed his gaze to meander aimlessly, seeing only green trees above him, bathed in warm sunlight, and cool shadows danced across the ground.

He didn't know when he closed his eyes, but he was awakened upon feeling someone shaking his shoulder.

"Sheppard." Ronon was next to him. "It's been an hour. We need to get back." Reluctantly, John allowed Ronon to help pull himself up, and they trudged back to the Jumper.

They were soon in the skies again, over the blue waters as they flew back to Atlantis. There seemed to be a sense of serenity in the air that day, with the sun shining down on the ocean.

"You know, it was nice of Carter to let you stay." Ronon's voice broke the silence.

"Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are," John replied.

"Wouldn't have happened to any of my men on Sateda." John glanced at Ronon, unsure of whether to feel sorry or suspicious at Ronon's words.

"For the record, you didn't do anything wrong." Ronon continued speaking. "When Melena refused to leave, I stayed with her until the very end." John turned toward Ronon, shocked at Ronon's words.

"What are you say –"

"I'm not implying that there was anything going on between you and Weir," Ronon cut him off. "Hell, after what you've been through this week, I sure hope not. What I mean is, you two obviously depended on each other for a lot of stuff. And how could you not in this galaxy?" He leaned back in his chair. "We all need someone to have our backs when no one else has them. Melena was that person for me. And while you've got your team, I know that Weir supported you in ways that meant a lot to you." He looked at John, who was watching him with a shocked expression as he spoke. "Was anything that I said just now wrong?" John turned away, unable to make any words come out of his mouth.

"I'm not answering that question," he said after much longer than necessary.

"I'll take that as a 'no,'" Ronon replied.

"You do realize that I brought you along this morning because I knew you wouldn't talk?" John retorted as Atlantis came into view.

"Well, you thought wrong." Ronon leaned forward. "I might not talk much, but I talk when I have something important to say."

John turned away, and he didn't say anything for the rest of the flight. After he flew through the Jumper Bay doors and landed, Ronon walked out the Jumper without a word, leaving John alone inside. A long moment passed before he got up and headed out the door, his footsteps echoing in the empty room.

He found his teammates in the mess hall, gathered together at a table and talking over breakfast. John went to get his food, then joined his team, settling down next to Rodney with Ronon and Teyla across from him. As he poked at his food, his eyes rested on two empty chairs at the table, and he felt a pain strike his heart upon thinking about who could be sitting with them that morning. Then he realized that his teammates' conversation stopped, and they all had subdued expressions on their faces.

"What?" John demanded. "Keep talking."

"Oh – well, it's – it's nothing," Rodney stammered, sounding nervous. He turned away, as if avoiding conversation.

"McKay's just upset because there's only decaf left," Ronon said, smirking.

"No wonder I couldn't concentrate this morning. You can't run a city without power," Rodney grumbled.

"John, I was wondering if you would like to practice bantos fighting with me this afternoon," Teyla said, turning to him.

"Uh, sure, why not?" John replied.

"Good," Teyla said, smiling. "It has been a while since we have practiced, but I am assured that you will be fine." John looked around at his teammates. The pain in his heart was still there. Yet, upon seeing familiar faces in front of him, he felt a momentary sense of respite.

"Yeah. I'm sure I will be."

Nine days later

The waves rolled in the distant darkness, and two moons shone overhead, slightly obscured by the clusters of misty clouds drifting in the black sky. The mess hall balcony was empty now – just as his teammates had trickled in one by one that night, they had also gradually disappeared as the night grew late, eventually leaving John alone once more. A half eaten bowl of nibbles and a magazine sat on the table before him, and he looked out into the calm night and heard the ocean in the air.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

John turned around and saw Elizabeth sitting across from him, wearing her Atlantis jacket, and her hair blew softly in the wind.

"You're not really here," he said.

"No, I'm not." Elizabeth continued to look out at the dark ocean waves. "But you apparently didn't want to be alone. So here I am." John looked at her before his own gaze returned to the ocean.

"We lost Heightmeyer today," he said, his voice low.

"I know," Elizabeth replied, looking down. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't know her that well. But she and Teyla were good friends." John looked down, and his voice was barely above a whisper. "It's my fault she's dead."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened." Elizabeth's voice was soft.

"I hardly think that stalking people in their dreams as a sadistic sociopath doesn't cross some sort of line," John replied. Elizabeth turned toward him.

"You saved Rodney. And yourself."

"More like kicked my own ass." John looked at Elizabeth. "Do you have any idea how unsettling it is to see a Freddy Krueger version of yourself?"

"No, but I have seen myself aged ten thousand years."

"That's a tough one to beat," John said, sighing.

"No, I'd say we're about even now." Elizabeth tilted her head, her face thoughtful. She then looked at him, and her expression became serious. "You're afraid of yourself, huh?" John didn't respond, and she sighed quietly. "For what it's worth, you're doing your best. That's all you can ask for from yourself."

"Apparently, it's not enough." John looked away, feeling something painful in his heart. "People keep dying," he whispered. "It's hard enough to accept when a mission goes wrong, but it feels a lot worse recently. We lost Carson, and I don't know where you are…" He trailed off, and Elizabeth looked out at the ocean, her expression pensive.

"It can't be helped," she said in a quiet voice. "And we don't have much choice but to move on from here. Otherwise, we risk allowing the ghosts of our past to haunt what we have now."

"But what's left?" John murmured. Elizabeth turned toward him.

"John, you still have your team." Her voice was soft. "And they care very much about you and your well-being. And there are many others in Atlantis who look to you. Do it for them."

"I…" John trailed off, suddenly realizing something that he didn't want to admit. "Ronon was right," he said aloud, and Elizabeth looked surprised.

"About what?" she asked. John avoided her gaze, and there was a long silence.

"Nothing." He turned away, trying to conceal his emotions. He was silently relieved when Elizabeth didn't press him any further.

"You're still out there," he said after a long moment. Elizabeth turned to him.

"You really believe that?" she asked.

"I'm not giving up, not while there's still a chance." John suddenly looked up at Elizabeth. "Are you?" Elizabeth gave a small smile.

"Maybe," she replied. "I honestly don't know myself. It feels as if I'm in a deep sleep." She looked out toward the ocean. "You know that I would never want to return if it meant putting the lives of everyone in Atlantis in danger." Elizabeth turned back to John, and her expression was contrite. "But I know you, John. You've changed quite a bit over the past few years, but something I know will never change is your loyalty to your people. And I guess that includes me." She looked squarely at him. "Even if I told you a thousand times over not to come back for me… I know you won't give up until you find a way to get me back."

"There's still hope," John whispered. Elizabeth smiled softly.

"Perhaps there is. For the moment, at least."

John looked back out toward the ocean, listening to the distant waters, and the moonlight shone down from above. When he turned back around, Elizabeth was gone. He tapped his fingers on the tabletop, then grabbed the bowl and magazine and got up.

The hallways were empty as he headed back to his quarters. The dim lights seemed calmer now, less ominous than they had been as of late. As he swiped open his door and it swished shut behind him, John walked over to the window and looked out at the city. He gazed upward toward the night sky, as if searching for something in the moons above. Standing there, gazing out at the quiet night, he felt more alone than ever before.

John turned around and looked at his nightstand, and he picked up a worn sheet of paper that he had read countless times over. He rubbed his eyes wearily as he looked over Elizabeth's resignation letter again, and he could almost hear her voice that was filled with bitterness and regret, carefully shrouded under a tone that seemed to convey apology. But she had had nothing to apologize for.

The universe truly was out to bite all their asses.

John set the letter back down, and he sat down on his bed. His mind drifted, and he was trying to picture her face, remember her voice, cling on to a sense of normalcy that he had felt from all those times they had talked in her office or outside on the control room balcony. But that sense of normalcy was now shattered, and he was left broken and limping, trying to pick up the fragmented pieces, not lose himself over grief and anguish.

He was living in a present in which he almost didn't want to wake up the next morning, not knowing what would happen the next day. It was inevitable that he would lose someone else, and he didn't know how much more pain and grief he could endure. The universe had become too volatile for his tastes, and John felt as if he had already suffered enough for a lifetime.

He stormed into Elizabeth's office, his mind seething as he leaned against her table, not really caring, in fact, if he did end up causing political trouble from decking an IOA bureaucrat dressed up in a stuffy suit.

"I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?" Elizabeth looked at him curiously.

"Besides judging every damned decision you've ever made?" John fumed. He watched as Elizabeth leaned back in her chair with an amused expression on her face.

"John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?" Her tone was playful, and caught off guard by her question and suddenly realizing how his words were coming across, John needed a moment longer than necessary before he could respond.

"And judging me for agreeing with you."

He had never before felt so exhausted. Lying down, he closed his eyes. Ronon had been right. It would be easier if she were here.

He allowed himself to surrender to the unconsciousness. There, he detected the faintest hope, drifting aimlessly as if it were in a deep sleep, waiting to open its eyes. But until then, he was to pull through alone.

He would see her again. Even if it was only in his dreams. And he would find her and bring her back.

Author's notes - fairly extensive ones at that - are included in the next and final page.