C'est La Vie—Chapter Twenty-Five
by taitofan
Rated PG-13 for sexual situations
Disclaimer: I don't own Randy Cunningham 9th Grade Ninja or its characters.
Prompt: No prompt, but it follows chapter eighteen.
Author's note: Chapter 24 was skipped due to being blatant porn. But it's a threesome with Ghoulian, so if that interests you, look for it on AO3 or my tumblr.
If you have any CC, please share and I'll listen. Please read, review, and enjoy! Finished 08-25-16
Since their marriage, Randy had gotten used to Julian's little "surprises." His husband was, after all, from a very wealthy family, and he'd stopped being shocked by the expensive trinkets Julian like to pick up on a whim—Oh Randall, I saw this and I thought of you!—months ago. He'd had plenty of experience while they'd been dating, but the occurrences had risen to at least once a week since they were wed, and Julian never once batted an eyelash at the price tags.
But somehow, Randy highly doubted that this latest surprise had cost Julian a single penny, yet it was by far the most shocking of them all.
"…That's a baby."
"Yes, it is." Julian smiled as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about the infant he carried. "Or, rather, he is. Oh, Randall, whatever shall we name him?"
Randy shook his head, hoping that he was dreaming all of this, but even a hard pinch to his arm didn't make the sight of Julian holding a baby go away.
"…Babe, let's forget for a second that you just found a baby laying in the middle of nowhere and brought him back to be our baby. Did you miss the honkin' feathers?"
The baby, even at first glance, was obviously not human. He had black wings sprouting from his back, tiny talons on his fingers and toes, and bright golden eyes. Two pitch black feathers sprouted from his head among blond peach fuzz. Most concerning, however, were his teeth. Babies shouldn't have teeth, Randy knew. Especially not a full mouth of extremely sharp looking teeth. They put Julian's little fangs to shame.
"We can't keep the kid. Even if he was a human baby, we still couldn't."
Julian had never taken well to not getting his way, even when they were younger. A very familiar pouty frown crossed Julian's face, but Randy steeled his resolve. He'd had an inkling that his husband wanted to eventually adopt a child, but he'd assumed they'd wait until they'd been married a little longer than half a year. And that the baby they chose would be a normal human child with a typical gummy mouth and no feathers or claws.
"Randall, he was obviously abandoned. Where would we bring him? What orphanage would take him in?" It was a good question that Randy didn't have an answer to. "He could die if we don't keep him."
"He's not—"
"I spent half of high school not human," Julian snapped, though he quickly calmed down as the bundle in his arms gurgled in surprise. "Trust me, I fully understand that we don't know what we're getting into. But I believe that raising a winged child can't be any harder or stranger than everything we put up with when you were the ninja. I spent a third of our freshman year deserted in a barren wasteland while my negative traits personified into an evil double of myself tried to conquer the world. A baby doesn't begin to compare to that."
Randy, despite his best efforts, felt his resolve waiver as it typically did when Julian pulled the Land of Shadows card. After all, he only brought up the subject if he really wanted to get his way.
Thinking about it, Randy thought that maybe this was the perfect child for them to raise, what with Julian loving monsters and all. Even without the Ninjanomicon, Randy did still have access to other mystical books he'd acquired over the years. If they could find a way to hide the child's more avian traits…
"What name were you thinking of?"
Julian all but squealed, and the baby cooed happily, almost as if he understood what was going on. But that was silly, right?
"I'm rather fond of the name Nicolas. How do you like it?"
Randy smiled, putting aside his doubts for the moment. They could worry about the technical details—he hoped forging adoption papers wouldn't be too hard—later. In that moment, he could only focus on the fact that somehow he'd just gained a son.
"I like it. What do you think, kiddo? Are you a Nicolas Cunningham?" The baby cooed again, and that settled that. "Then welcome to our family, Nicolas. You're honkin' lucky, you know. You have the brucest fathers in all of Norrisville."
Julian rolled his eyes, but he was grinning widely all the same. Nicolas began to giggle happily at his parents' good mood, and Randy flinched instinctively as he caught sight of those teeth that Julian barely seemed to notice. Well, he didn't think this would be quite as easy as his husband did, but he was going to try his best. Julian was right, after all—he couldn't just ignore an abandoned child, part bird or not. Determined not to be afraid of his own child, Randy reached out, intent on patting his head—
"H-hey! No, bad baby!"
-only to snatch it back as Nicolas snapped at it, his teeth clicking quite audibly when they didn't catch flesh. Randy laughed nervously as Julian stared at Nicolas, looking rather awed. Human babies certainly weren't that mobile or that fast.
"So I guess the first thing we teach him is no biting."
"Yes, I agree."
Randy took it back—this definitely wasn't going to be easy, but that didn't change the fact that he was still going to see this through, no matter how crazy it all seemed.
…He just hoped he didn't lose any fingers in the process.