Chapter Eight
Two months ago
"I'm sorry I'm late," she heard him say behind her, as he immediately closed and bolted the studio door.
She tightened her grip on the window ledge that looked out over the harbor, recalling the times she had stood in this very same place, knowing that tonight would end as many nights in the past had. She would be honest, and he would walk away, and they'd share one last, longing look through the window before he disappeared into the night on his motorcycle.
"I'm sorry," he murmured again, stepping up behind her, and slipping his arms around her waist. He grinned when she leaned against him instinctively, her back arching against his body as his hands made their way beneath her heavy sweater. Nuzzling her hair away from her neck, he placed a gentle kiss against her skin, noticing how she tensed up at the contact.
Sighing his name, she tugged his hands away from her waist, and turned to face him in the moonlit room. There was just enough light to make out his eyes, but she didn't need to see them to know that he was confused. Taking a deep breath, she braced her hands against the ledge, and tilted her head back to look up at him. This was going to be far from easy, and it was tearing her apart to know that she was going to hurt him.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice raspy and thick, as his hand gently brushed her hair behind her ear. He left his hand on her face, cupping her cheek, and smoothing a thumb over her soft, creamy skin.
She nodded, nestling against his palm. "It's been two weeks."
"I know," he said, dropping his hand to her shoulder, and letting it slowly fall down her arm. "I wanted to see you on New Year's, but Sonny needed-"
"I know," she interrupted, reaching out to fist the end of his t-shirt in one of her hands. There was something comforting about the thin cotton against her skin, about having him this close to her, and knowing that he would always be there. And she needed that to hold onto, at least for tonight, because he was going to walk away from her. She was sure of it.
"I'm sorry," he repeated for the third time, stepping forward so that his body was pressed against hers. He dropped his head so that his mouth was just above hers. "I really am."
She smiled, snaking an arm around his neck, and splaying her fingers through the ends of his hair. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered softly, her voice quivering. Tugging gently, she pulled his mouth to hers, telling herself it was okay to take one last thing, even if it was never hers to begin with.
One touch from her, and he found himself losing all sense of control. His arms slid around her waist, cradling her against him, as his lips worked against her mouth. He could sense the slow hesitation in her lips, unnerved by the way her hands grasped at him, and told himself it was merely the fact that they were continuing to do this. Eventually, the affair had to loose its charm, but that didn't change that they needed one another so badly.
"Wait," she hissed, when he slipped his hands beneath her sweater, roughly pawing at her stomach. "I have to tell you something."
"Can't it wait?" he asked, moving his lips across her face and down to her neck. When her head fell backwards, giving him complete access to her skin, he took that as his answer.
She sighed, digging her fingernails into his arms, as she willed herself to stop this before it got too far. This wasn't how any of it was supposed to be. She wanted something cut and dry, wanted to walk away while she was still standing, but knew that he would make that impossible.
Moving his hands to the front of her sweater, he tugged at the tiny, plastic buttons, popping them open one by one. Shoving the sweater off her shoulders, he lowered his mouth to her chest, his tongue tracing tiny swirls that emitted a low moan from her mouth. He wrapped one arm around her waist, using the other to cup her bottom, as he lifted her onto the window ledge.
Leaning back against the frosty window, she hissed at first at the cold contact, but any uncomfortable feeling was soon shoved aside by the fire his mouth and hands were igniting within her. His body loomed over hers, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, her arms around his, desperate to hold onto him as much as possible. When he lifted his mouth back to hers, his lips barely grazing against her mouth, she took it as a chance to take control.
"I really need to talk to you," she whispered, moving her hands to either side of his face.
His body tensed, and he moved his hands away from her body, planting them against the cold window on either side of her head. "And it can't possibly wait," he teased, shifting his hips against hers to let her know that what he had planned for them probably wouldn't take that long.
"I don't think it can," she admitted, raking her fingers through his hair, and shifting her eyes downward. She couldn't look at him at this point, not knowing what she had done.
He nodded, moving to step back, and she dropped her legs from his waist and pulled herself to sit up on the ledge. There was no doubt in his mind that something had happened, and he found himself wondering if they'd been caught, or worse if her husband had done something to hurt her because of this. "Well?"
"I…I…" She let out a low sob, cradling her face in her hands, screaming at herself for being such a coward. Now was not the time to back away. Now was what mattered. And she'd find a way to ruin it all.
"I know this is hard," he murmured soothingly, stepping forward and pulling her into his arms. He rubbed a hand up and down her back, causing her to shiver.
"I'm sorry," she cried, taking her turn to apologize, as she buried her face against his chest. "I wanted this to be different. I didn't want to mess up or-"
"Hey," he cut in, moving to hold her face in his hands, just as she had done his minutes ago. "You don't have to be sorry for this. This is-"
"Wrong," she said firmly, shaking her head, as tears streamed down her face. "I was wrong…I made a mistake…I should have never-" Her voice broke into a sob, her body shook against his chest. "I'm so sorry. I should…I…This…I don't know what to do anymore."
He sighed her name, pulling her into his arms, even when she tried to fight him on it. There was something bigger here, more than just what was happening between them, and it actually terrified him to think about the possibilities. "You've got to talk to me here."
"I'm scared," she confessed, fisting her hands in his t-shirt again, feeling the words slowly find their way to her tongue. She didn't know if she'd have the strength to say them.
"What happened?" he asked, gently tangling his fingers in her hair, as he tightened his hold on her. "Did he-" He swallowed hard, not sure if he could ask, or worse, keep his cool if the bastard had done something. "Did he do something to you?"
"No."
Her voice was strong and firm, almost defensive, as if her husband would never do something to hurt her. And they both knew different.
"You have got to talk to me here," he pleaded softly, continuing to hold her against him.
She nodded, pushing herself away from his chest so that she could look up at him. "I would never intentionally hurt you," she whispered, failing to hold back her tears despite how hard she tried. "And I want this so badly. I want it to be different and real and not a lie anymore."
"We can make that happen," he replied, even though he knew it was becoming more and more impossible with every passing day.
"Not now," she said, shaking her head, and staring down into her lap. Her loose, chocolate curls fell around face, as she found herself wishing that she could make this disappear. She wanted to go back in time to when her legs were wrapped around him and he was begging her to wait. She needed one last time to get her through everything else.
"Just tell me. You don't have to-"
"I slept with him."
Her words rang through the studio, echoing around them for several minutes, until they both felt as if they were suffocating him.
"You slept with him," he repeated, releasing his arms from around her and stepping backward. Shaking his head, he held a hand over his eyes, telling himself that he had no right to be angry. However, this was different. The last time they were together things had changed, and he had a right. "You slept with him?"
His tone was filled with accusation and anger, but mostly pain, and she burst into tears when he looked at her as if he didn't even know her. "I just-It was New Year's, and you had canceled, and I was just upset."
"So, you slept with him," he repeated, stepping back until he hit the arm of the couch, and slowly lowered himself onto it. He was taken back by his own reaction, feeling the need to yell at her or to break something, but instead he just looked at her in disbelief.
"I got really drunk. I mean, really, really drunk, and I know that's not an excuse," she sobbed, holding her face in her hands, as her body trembled harder with every passing cry. "He'd been badgering me for weeks now, and I kept putting it off, and…I don't know what happened. I guess I got tired of fighting about it, so I just gave in. I thought that I could pretend or-"
"Pretend?" he asked, shifting his empty eyes to hers. "What? That he was me?"
"I was drunk."
He grunted, shaking his head. "You and I both know that's not an excuse. You knew-"
"Yeah, I knew. I knew exactly what I was doing," she confirmed, throwing her hands up. "I was sleeping with my husband, which is what I am supposed to do. I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I shouldn't be wishing he was someone else. I shouldn't-"
"You're right," he said firmly, wiping a hand over his face, his head spinning with disbelief. "You shouldn't have to."
"Wait," she called after him, when he hurried towards the door. "Please, just…Can't I explain?"
"There's nothing to explain," he said, his shoulders sagging, as his hand gripped the doorknob. "You shouldn't feel guilty for being with him. I shouldn't be angry…or jealous."
"But I am," she said softly, sliding off the window ledge, and slowly crossing the room to him. "And you are…And there's nothing wrong with that."
"Everything is wrong with it," he spat, shaking his head angrily, his fist colliding with the metal door. The impact shot through his fist, and he continued to pound the door, as if the pain would somehow soothe him. "I shouldn't be bothered by the idea of his hands on you or his mouth being in places mine have-"
"Don't," she begged softly, her voice so low he could barely hear her. She wasn't going to put up much of a fight because she deserved this and he deserved the chance to hurt her as badly as she had him.
"I just-I don't know how to not think about it," he confessed, doing his best to keep the images of the two of them together from his mind.
"I don't want you to think about it…Believe me, I've thought about it enough for the both of us. I have never felt so dirty in my entire life. I can barely look at myself, especially knowing that I had to tell you…I-I hate myself for hurting you-for doing this. I should have ended my marriage and just been with you from the beginning. I shouldn't have been too afraid…But the problem is, I always have been."
"You're not dirty, and you shouldn't hate yourself," he said firmly, still facing the door. "I just don't understand. I thought you were staying at Kelly's."
"I am," she replied, folding her arms over her chest, and staring at his back. "But I'm trying to be there for him too, and I just-God, if I could take it back I would…Please tell me there is a way to get past this…That we just have to figure out what to do."
"I think you know what to do," he muttered, pressing his forehead against the door. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and take her in his arms, but he couldn't do that without knowing she was his for good. There could be no more of this, no more of anyone else.
"I know what I want to do," she whispered, placing a hand on his back, wincing when he tensed beneath her touch. She knew that he was disgusted by her and her actions, and she hated herself for doing what had been done to him months ago by his girlfriend…Or ex-girlfriend? She had no idea where any of them were standing these days. "I think the only question is if it's too late, because it always seems to be too late for us, and I-I'm well aware this time would be my fault."
"It's not just your fault," he groaned, holding his stance against the door, not sure what would happen if he turned around to face her. "We just-We have always made this about everyone else."
"And never about us," she replied, rubbing her hand gently against his back. "It should be about us, and not everyone else, but what we do…"
"Affects them," he finished, letting out a deep breath, before turning around to face her. He pressed his back up against the door and crossed his arms over his chest. "It's never just been us. I don't know if it ever will be."
"It could be," she murmured, shifting her eyes to his, a faint smile spreading across her face at the possibility. "We've never tried, so…"
"I think it's a little late to decide-"
"It doesn't have to be," she cut in desperately.
"We should have done things differently from the beginning," he replied with a shrug, as he shook his head. "We should have come clean and been together after the first time..."
"I know," she said, wiping at her eyes with her fingertips. "But does it have to be too late?"
"You slept with him," he reminded her, his voice full of spite and anger. "You made a choice-"
"I made the wrong one," she cried defensively, "And I know that none of my excuses mean a thing…That I can't give you a good enough reason for why it happened…I'm just-" She paused, her shoulders falling with the weight of their situation. "I was just tired of lying, especially when he knew it. And I thought I could do it…That maybe if I could be with him, then it was a sign or something, but it only solidified what I already knew."
His eyes flashed to hers, and despite the dark, she suddenly felt naked and exposed. "Which is what?"
"That I meant what I said to you at the hospital," she murmured, stepping towards him slowly, her hands reaching out to him. "I want you."
He sighed when her hands found his, and he didn't stop her as she linked their fingers together. "I want you too," he replied, smoothing his thumbs over the back of her hands. "But this is-"
"Unforgivable," she said knowingly, tipping her head back to look up at him. "I had you. I finally had you again, and I ended up in someone else's arms…And just like there was no excuse all those years ago, there's not one now…The only difference is that I want you and only you, and I'll do whatever it takes."
"Including leaving him?" he asked, his voice hoarse, and he feared that was the last thing she was willing to do.
"Including leaving him," she replied, squeezing his hands as she stepped forward and leaned against him.
He sucked in a breath at her words, his head falling back against the door, as he tried to process just what this meant.
"And what about her?" she asked hesitantly.
"She and I haven't been together…not like that," he replied, causing her to grimace. "I wanted to be there for her, but-"
"I understand," she cut in, not sure exactly what he was saying. She only knew that this wouldn't work unless they both cut ties with their past and chose to move forward together.
"You'll leave him?" he asked, his chest swelling with hope, and he suddenly didn't care about what she had done. He understood every reason why she had slept with him, because he had thought about doing it himself. It would have been a way to cut her so deep that she left him for good, and that would have surely ended things one final time.
"Yes," she said firmly, pulling one of her hands from his and placing it on the side of his face. "I'm going to leave him, if you'll still have me."
"And if I say no are you going to stay with him?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
She shook her head as she stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. "I'm leaving either way, but I want you to know that I'm doing it mostly for you," she said seriously. "I want to be with you, only you…I meant what I said the last time we were together. I'm yours."
Sighing, he lifted his hands to hers and linked their fingers together, tugging her forward. "I want you," he repeated, pulling her against his chest and wrapping his arms around her. "It has to be all or nothing."
"And this time, I choose all," she murmured, wiping her tears against his shirt, as she slipped her arms around his waist. "I really am sorry. I know it's going to be hard to look at me and not think about-"
"You're going to leave him?" he asked again, as if she would suddenly change her mind.
"Yes," she said firmly, loosening her arms from around his waist and leaning back to look at him. "It's going to take a little bit of time. A couple of weeks, a month maybe?"
"A month," he groaned, his head falling back against the door.
"This isn't cut and dry," she replied seriously. "We have a joint bank account, car titles, health insurance, credit card accounts…It's not like what you have with her, where you can just send her packing-That is what you're doing to do, right?"
"I'll tell her there's no chance of she and I ever being together, but I won't turn her away if she needs a friend," he said firmly, already feeling ate up with guilt. Granted, he hadn't been intimate with her in a while, but he remained close, and that gave her far too much hope. "I assume you'll do the same with him."
"He needs someone to believe in him, though when I leave and-" She paused, staring up at him, as her eyes filled with tears. "This isn't going to be easy."
"No, it's not," he replied, lifting a hand to cup her cheek. He stroked her gently, before lowering his mouth to hers, and kissing her softly. "But we'll get through it.."
"I want this more than anything else," she murmured against his mouth, her arms slipping around his neck. "I've always wanted you."
He slid an arm around her waist, pulling her body against his, as his mouth still moved over hers. "A month," he whispered against her plump lips.
"A month," she replied, raking her hands through the ends of his hair, as she returned the heat of his kiss. "A month and all the lies will be over."
He broke the kiss, nuzzling his face against her neck, as he held her body against his. "A month," he whispered one last time, knowing they had made it this far, and that he could wait just a little while longer.
She moaned softly when she felt his tongue lap against the sensitive skin of her neck, one of his hands sliding around her bottom, and lifting her into his arms. Sighing his name, she pressed her cheek against his, her lips tracing kisses along his jaw line. She wasn't sure when he moved or how exactly they ended up on the couch, but soon she was below him, and he was looking over her as he tugged his t-shirt over his head.
He straddled her, his knees on either side of her waist, as he flung his shirt to the floor. Sensing her apprehension, he brushed her hair away from her face, and lowered his mouth to hers. He knew that she was hurting as much as he was, and despite his own pain, he wanted to wipe away the guilt she was carrying.
"Hey," she whispered, breaking the kiss long enough to tug his mouth from hers and look him in the face. "You don't have to-"
"I want to," he cut in, lowering his mouth back to hers. "You're mine now…For always."
"Always," she repeated, her lips parting as his tongue sought it's entrance, and began a delicate, slow dance with her own.
He shifted above her, settling his hips between hers, and legs lifted around him again. Tugging at the straps of her camisole, he managed to pull the shirt down enough to reveal the tops of her creamy breasts. Breaking the kiss, he brought his mouth to each mound, his tongue sucking the skin between his teeth, branding her as his.
She squirmed below him, attempting to rock her hips against the hardness that had formed between her legs, but he kept her pressed so flat against the cushion it was nearly impossible. She splayed her fingers throughout his hair, guiding his lips down her body, growing frustrated with the material that was between his mouth and her body.
Sensing her annoyance, he slipped an arm beneath her back, lifting her up skillfully as he slipped the shirt over her head. He sucked in a breath when he realized she wasn't wearing a bra, and he took a moment to take in the sight of her laying below him. Her chest was rising and falling in a heavy motion, and he could feel her body trembling beneath him. There was no doubt that this time would be different, that her words had changed everything.
Her hands tugged on his hand, lowering his mouth to her chest, and she moaned his name when his tongue circled over the tip of her breast. He shifted to hold the other in his palm, his thumb and forefinger squeezing her nipple, until she was gasping with delirious pleasure. Every touch shot a spark throughout her body that made her want to sob with bliss, and she knew this was how it was supposed to be.
He shifted on his arms, moving his mouth to her other breast, his teeth nipping at the delicate peak. Her body bucked below his, her hips grinding against the bulge in his pants, and he found himself gasping for his own breath against her skin.
"Please," she hissed, pulling on his hair.
"Wait," he murmured, moving his mouth back to hers, and kissing her soundly. His hands roamed over her upper body, his fingertips taking in every inch of her velvet skin, his mouth desperate to taste as much of her as possible.
"Please," she hissed again, continuing to grind against him.
"Wait," he repeated, his hands moving to pull her legs from around him. He pressed her thighs into the cushions, gently moving his own legs to pin her down against the couch, determined to take his time. She was his now, and he wanted to show her how it would be when they had time on their side.
She moaned his name when his lips took a nipple in her mouth, sinking his teeth into the tender flesh, only to have his tongue soothe it seconds later. It was scary what he could do to her with just his mouth, and it was almost enough for her to forget about the burning center between her legs.
He nuzzled his face against the valley of her breasts, his tongue snaking out and tracking a long line down her stomach, as his hands moved over the thighs of her snug fitting jeans. She moaned and bucked her hips against him as his hands moved to the snap of her pants. And he found himself overwhelmed with want, jerking the snap open, and shoving a hand inside.
"Oh, God," she hissed, when his hands made their way beneath her lacy underwear, making their way between her legs. She swore at him when he made no attempt to slip a finger inside her, his fingers merely gliding over her wetness, as he whispered for her to be patient.
He liked knowing that he made her so desperate and anxious to be touched, and he knew that she only did this for him and no one else. Slipping his hand from her pants, he shifted off of her, his hands tugging the sides of her jeans.
She gripped the rough material shoving it away with him. When she was free and exposed, she spread her legs, her hips arching towards him as if having a mind of their own. Chewing her lip, she stared up at him, her eyes begging him for some kind of release.
"You are so beautiful," he whispered, his hands grabbing her ankles and positioning them on either side of him, then slowly stroking them up and down her legs.
"You always say that," she murmured, reaching out for him, even though she knew he was too far away.
"Because you are," he replied, shifting forward to lower his mouth back to her skin. "So, so beautiful, and you're all mine."
"All yours," she agreed, raking her fingers through his hair, as she attempted to push his mouth lower and lower.
He obliged over time, letting his mouth roam wherever it desired, leaving dark bruises in it's path. His tongue swirled over her bellybutton, then trailed soft, wet kisses down to the lining of her underwear. They were black and lacy, his favorite kind, and he had no desire to remove them from her.
"Please," she begged, her fingers pulling and pushing his head between her legs.
"All mine," he murmured, his voice just above a whisper, as his hands slid beneath her bottom and lifted her center to his mouth. She moaned loudly, when he kissed the flimsy material, his tongue raking firmly over her slit.
"Oh, god," she moaned, her hips thrusting against his mouth, as it consumed her, sucking her through the material. He tightened the grip on her thighs, holding her in place, as his tongue thrashed against her. The roughness of the material moving against her along with his mouth, only added to the pleasure, and it wasn't long before she was calling his name out over and over again.
He continued to move his mouth against her long after she came, her hands still gripping his hair, as her hips continued to buck against him. Tightening his hold on her thighs, he continued an assault of slow, succulent licks that seemed to go on forever. And it was only after she came again, and begged him to give her a break, that he pulled his mouth away.
"You're amazing," she whispered, as he kissed his way up her body. She moaned when he nipped and sucked at the skin of her stomach, paying special attention to her breasts, and nearly lost it all over again when his mouth found hers. It was incredible what a single kiss from this man could do to her.
She swore at him again when he pulled away long enough to strip off his jeans, hurrying back to cradle himself in her thighs. He kissed her again, making it slow and torturous, his tongue flirting with hers as he rocked his hips against hers.
Her hands gripped his hips when she felt him press against her entrance through the lacy material, not sure if she was ready to take him again, because she'd yet to come down from her last release. She raked her nails over his sides, digging her fingers into his flesh every time his hard-on made contact with her. She shook with anticipation when she felt his hands slide beneath the sides of her underwear, gently tugging them away, feeling eager for what was to come.
He growled her name against his neck, his teeth nipping at her skin, as one of her hands trailed across his stomach. And it was his turn to swear when she took him in her hand, wrapping her slender fingers around, and tugging him gently. He let her have her way for several minutes, until he knew he couldn't take it anymore. He started to pull her away gently, but she surprised him by lifting a leg around his waist, and lining him up with her entrance.
"Now," she hissed, arching her hips and causing him to slip just a little ways inside of her.
Gasping as the feel of her warm center around him, he groaned loudly, lowering himself inside of her. He hissed as she tightened around him, and buried his face against her neck, telling himself he had to regain control. Shifting to balance his weight on his elbows, he moved against her with slow, deliberate strokes.
"Mmmm," she moaned, digging her fingers into his hips, as she urged him to move faster. He moved quickly to link their fingers together, pressing her hands into the couch on either side of her head.
"So beautiful," he whispered again, placing his lips gently over his, as his hips continued to move against her.
"So good," she hissed, her eyes fluttering open to meet his, as her body quivered with the building release.
He ground hard against her, causing her to moan his name over and over, and he caught her words with a kiss. Tonight there was no need to rush, no outside world waiting for them. This was theirs for the taking.
"Yes," he murmured, continuing to move slowly, but enough to keep up the pace. "It will always be this good."