Chapter 9: Confession (Gaster's Journal)
24th December, 1973
I can finally save up enough money to buy myself the first REAL Christmas present which I've been waiting for 15 years. Father and mother never bought me anything other than books related to medication and drugs. They have always wanted me to be a doctor, saying the Underground needs more talent to cure monsters. I have to disagree with their statement, if the facilities and equipment never improved, no matter how talent and clever the monster is, he/ she may still bound by technology and environment's limitation. I am getting sick of my parent's non-sense, getting punish/ scold at whenever I tried to voice out an opinion, strict rules with almost no allowance…There is absolutely no room for me to express myself. This journal I bought can at least create a room for me to write down thoughts and feelings, it makes me feel alive again.
5th January, 1974
Today is my 16th birthday, I no longer need to stay inside the 'prison' and can go on exploring the world without limitation, I have never been so happy in my life. It's been a while since I touched the journal book, there are too many things going on these few days, mostly related to job and university. The Underground do not contain much programme related to Science, in addition the fees are expensive. On the other hand, part time job shops/restaurant offered are limited and not many of them contained decent amount of salary. It seems that I'm running out of luck and my dream of being a scientist have to set aside for now.
5th May, 1974
After few months of searching, I managed to find a restaurant to work at, the owner was kind enough to offer me a place to stay. Life has been more difficult and stressful than before, while not working, I need to deal with daily life problems and continue to search for the right programme. There isn't much time for me to rest and I sometimes have difficulty to fall asleep. To add salt into wound, interacting with customers can be really troublesome and they made me psychologically tired. Often I heard them rumbling about how depressing Underground is and talked about their dreams once they reached the Surface, sometimes when they get too emotional, they are more easy to get drunk. I learnt a lot through these months while dealing with them. As I worked, I felt my dream of being a Scientist is getting stronger and clearer, someone has to improve the Underground condition, hopefully can find ways to break the Barrier and free all monsters!
3rd June, 1974
I met a girl today while the restaurant was about to close. She is a skeleton about my age, looking cheerful and upbeat. It is quite rare to see skeleton type monsters in the Underground ever since the war 50 years ago, my father said many of our kind were killed during the period while battling humans, seeing her gives me a feeling of resemblance and comfort. While she was eating, she started up some conversation and jokes around with puns/ things she found funny. I can't help but laugh at her goofiness, everyone who remained in the restaurant enjoyed her 'mini standup comedy' and the atmosphere seemed to have lifted up a bit. Before she left, I managed to ask her her name and she was called 'Lucida'.
15th August, 1974
Lucida often visit the restaurant during the night and sometimes tell a few jokes/ interact with other customers whenever the atmosphere get intense or generally down. Ever since her appearance, the business got better and the customers seemed to cause less trouble. Normally, I do not like to engage others, but something about her attracts me and I find fascinating. Occasionally, I will chat with her and talk about general topics like interest and academic. While talking with her, it was the most relaxing thing I have ever experienced, like a huge weight has been lifted off. Speaking of 'weight', since the business is getting better, I can see my future seems getting brighter as well. Few days ago, I managed to find a university which offered science programme and the fee is not too expensive, I cannot describe how relieve and content I was that time I succeeded. Entering university is just the first step, to truly achieve my dream, preparation is the key and I should start planning ahead right now…
8th September, 1974
Life can be full of surprises sometimes, when I was about to enter the school, I saw Lucida in the process. We greeted each other and chatted for a while, later I discovered she studied Journalism in the same university as me. It is nice to have someone familiar to hang out with, after the orientation, we exchanged phone numbers and even take turns to look at each other's timetable, later found that we have many subjects were collided together. Seeing this made me feel relieved, in case I cannot find anyone who I feel comfortable to make friends with in the new environment, I can at least have one.
12th April, 1975
Ever since the start of the term, I found myself become absorbed with all sorts of new technology and scientific research which I have never seen before, they are all really fascinating. Through these months, I have been working different projects, studying and research on the Underground .It is extremely important to understand what resources we have and how to use them efficiently. Few days ago, the professor informed us a group of Royal Scientist will come to the university and listen to our presentation about the Underground, not sure if it is coincident, but with the long term preparation, I believe that I can deliver a good presentation. The Royal Scientists are the King's research and science team who responsible to study and invent new techniques to improve the condition in the Underground, more specifically to break the Barrier. Being part of them is one of the most honor thing to have as a monster, if my presentation can impress them, I may have a chance to become one of them…
13th April, 1975
Lucida is one of the smartest and resourceful monster I have ever met, today she handed me a book about human technology and history which she found in the Dumpster Area in Waterfall, saying it may help me for my project. Inside of the book, it contained lots of information and illustration about how human's technology improve using limited resources like stones, wood and fire to using electronics. This gave me plenty of inspiration and direction to improve my presentation! Before Lucida left, I asked her how did she managed to find information without others telling the exact direction. (I only briefly mentioned my presentation objective to her and did not ask for help) She just smiled and told me sometimes I need to think out of the box. Women can be hard to understand and mysterious sometimes, though I am really grateful to have her as my closest friend.
20th April, 1975
I did it! The Royal Scientist have just sent me an offer letter, saying they would like to invite me to join the team as an apprentice. I am looking forward for my first day, how is the Royal Scientist Lab look like? Does it contain lots of advance equipment and machines like the News mentioned? What project will I be participated? So many question to be answered! Though my dream have come true, but this also means that I am not going to see my friends regularly. It is a shame to be separated so quickly, I barely just be friends with them for half year. Guess this is a downside of being part of the Royal Scientist…
29th June, 1985
Through these 10 years, I have never stopped working to find ways to improve the Underground condition. Ever since my first day, I have been asked to perform simple task like researching and helping scientists to prepare materials/ organize and handle paper works. For the first few months, it is a little challenging to handle everything but after some time later, it just become a routine. The longer I worked inside the Lab, I began to realize working as Royal Scientist can be really boring and not as fun as I have imagined, furthermore, research and experiments can go wrong and all hard work may vanish in a second. I have noticed few scientist have went a little nuts or basically quit their jobs. It took me almost 5 years to fully manage the operation of the Lab and worked my way up to become a scientist and another 5 years to become one of the Lead Scientists. The elder scientist said that I was the youngest Lead Scientist they have ever encountered and decided to celebrate today. During the process, we have received an emergency letter from the king, asking the elder and Lead Scientists to head towards the castle. Once we arrived, I saw a dead human girl around 5-6 years old lying near the throne, blood still flowing out from her body, few yellow flowers were dyed into dark red. I heard muffled sniffing and weeping sound came from far distance and I saw the king stood next to the corpse looking distressed and ashamed. None of us spoke for a while until the king asked us to find a way to store and extract the soul, later I watched him walked towards a room behind the throne and heard shouting and sniffing noise inside. After a while, we decided to head back along with corpse, once the girl placed on the table, question and discussion started to fill up the room, I cannot help but to feel pity of her in the process, did not fully pay attention on what the scientist were discussing until the last part, which they decided to build a machine to extract human soul. After that I decided to leave early and call that a day, this is too much for me to handle…
10th July, 1985
Sometimes I wonder whether I should continue to be a Royal Scientist. I have seen many scientist have turned desperate and even mad after the first fallen human. The machine that we have created few days ago have successfully extracted the child's soul and able to store it in a cylinder, which was transportable from the King's castle and the Lab. Since it was the first soul we have collected, all of us are really curious about it and want to investigate more. At first, we collected samples from the corpse and did some mild test on both souls and body, however the result was not satisfied. Later, the elder scientist ordered us to use a more forceful method to test the soul which involved using magic/equipment in order to see its reaction. As we tested, I noticed the soul has released different level of energy. The greater amount of 'damage' it deals, the stronger energy it produced, the soul even managed to cut off the electricity inside the testing area. For the first couple of experiments, I was amazed by the power of the human soul, however as the experiment and testing proceeded, I began to feel disgust of myself. The whole experiment has turned into a soul torture event and it was getting worst and more brutal. Until now, the scientist are still doing it and they seemed to be more focus on Soul study. Part of me think that I should probably follow the rest to test the soul as it is the key to break the barrier and may have a chance to improve the Underground condition, yet at the same time, it is morally wrong to torture a creature no matter it is dead or alive, especially a child's SOUL! This makes me no less of a horrible person and I felt ashamed and guilty. 7 humans' soul will break the Barrier and free everyone, one has collected and I can feel the desperation within me started to rise. Should I bend my ethical standard in order to fulfill everyone's dream or I should just give up? Such tough decision, so little time to decided…
12th July, 1985
Never expected to greet by Lucida, who I have not contacted for a while. She did not change much, still looked friendly and cheerful, informing me that she wanted to do an interview with me. After we moved to a quiet area, we catch up what we have been working during these years. Lucida is currently a Journalist who graduated 6 years ago and responsible to report daily news and the Entertainment section. She is doing well and often wonder what I am doing, after hearing that I have become a Lead Scientist, she decided to pay me a visit and celebrate together. In return, I have told her some projects I am working on. Through these years of training and experience, Science has taught me to mask my feeling and buried them deep down as it required a logical approach, a slight of emotion may ruin a result/process. Normally I am able to put on a façade and conceal everything well with a blank expression, but at that moment, I can feel part of the mask 'wore off'. The soul study has distracted my flow of thought, causing me often lost track and hesitated while I was talking. Lucida seemed concern about me as she started asking whether something bothered me and saying she will help if I need. For the first few minutes, I kept on denied my problems and attempted to talk about other subjects to draw away her attention, yet she just stopped me and looked directly into my eye sockets. I have never seen her angry before and her expression made me chilled to bones (literally). She then proceed to ask me the same question one more time and told me she don't like liars, especially the ones who she treated as good friends. I ended up telling some of my problem after making sure no one is around (skipping the most brutal part of soul study and top secret information).Lucida then gave me a quick hug and thank me for telling her the truth once I finished, she later promised will not tell anyone about my secrets and will come back once she figure out a way. Usually I don't trust others easily, specially someone who I / they never contact for years and came out suddenly to meet up. Is hard to predict their motivation and what they are up to, but seeing her dedication and sincerity, I decided to give Lucida a chance and trust her. I hope that she will keep her promises.
15th July, 1985
Lucida came back today and told me she have come up with an analysis and some general advice, afterwards, she proceed to evaluate different circumstances and perspectives. Lucida emphasized that no matter what I choose, I should always stay true to myself and do what is right. She later made an interesting point about the human soul, saying if the soul able to 'feel' pain, then it should be able to 'feel' the rest of the emotion. Instead of using a violent way to test. Lucida asked me whether I have tried to interact without hurting it. As she continued, I felt my burden was getting lighter and feeling much better. Once the 'consultation' has finished, my brain seemed to have worked out some new ideas. I quickly thank Lucida and promised to treat her for dinner once have time. After escorted Lucida to the main door, she gave her updated phone number and told me to call her whenever I need help, later confessed that I will make a right choice as she thinks that I'm smart and a good man. As I watched her left, I can feel my soul beating uncontrollably and a warm sensation rushed inside me. Is this a feeling of love?
22nd July, 1985
I decided to take Lucida's advice and tried to test the soul in a more peaceful method. So far the soul study hasn't made much progress other than knowing it was relatively 'tired' after numerous of experiments (the amount of energy it released has decreased significantly). For the first few day, I attempted to interact the soul by talking different topics/ telling few jokes to see how it reacted, yet mostly it just remained at the same status, occasionally glowed slightly after hearing a funny story. Often few scientist walked by and gave me a look of disapproval, thinking I was fooling around. But something tells me that I was on the right track, as long as I keep on interact with it, maybe the soul will 'feel' my sincerity. I continued until two days ago, my perseverance and patience have rewarded me! The soul seemed to be happier than before and it produced even more energy than the first time, whenever I was around it, the soul will glow brightly and often tried to follow me around inside its cylinder. After few days of observation, I have made out few assumption: 1. Human soul can 'feel' and gave limited response. 2. The level of light the soul produced, it seemed to reflect its 'emotion. The more positive emotion it received, the brighter it glowed and more powerful energy it produced. Contrarily, more negative emotion it received, the greater destruction it caused which may potentially hurt someone. 3. Human soul's colour may represent a characteristic, the one we extracted was cyan in colour and seemed really passive like it was patiently waiting for an opportunity, it took me a long time to 'gain its trust'. I did a quick test with a light bulb to try and see if my theories were right. For starter, I told a joke and the soul glowed a little, as time slowly passed, I noticed the light bulb started to shine. The more 'happy' it was, the brighter the light bulb glowed. If human soul can produce pure energy and able to light up a light bulb, it may be able to generate greater energy to improve the facilities in Underground, perhaps can act as a fuel…
31st July, 1985
I have drafted out several machine design for the New Underground, which they are going to act as generators to power up the whole kingdom by using geothermal, magic and some of the soul's power. The soul study's progress has improved significant, thanks to Lucida, we have discovered more information about it. The soul seemed to be more cooperate when the scientist didn't use any violent method/ 'pushing it'. As the soul energy was getting more stable and more familiar, we have decided to lend some of its power to renovate the Underground, starting with Hotland. It's been a long time I ever feel energetic and enthusiastic about science, especially it can finally be able to fulfill one of my dreams. The project gives me a great sense of hope and determination and I am looking forward to accomplish it.
5th March, 1987
Another human soul has 'fallen down' today, this time was an orange soul. Compared to Aqua (I nicknamed the cyan soul as I don't know her name), it was rather active and apparently likes getting attention. Aqua doesn't seem to like the new soul very much as its light dimmed and back away slightly. After spending 2 years of getting along with Aqua, I found myself started to grow attached to the soul and often like to talk to it when no one was around. I started to understand its behavior and the soul seemed to be fond of me more than other scientist (Aqua gives more 'response' when I'm alone with her). Other than soul study, I have been working on the renovation and building conveyor belt/ designing more technology based on what I have learnt from the humans. Since human can be able to pass through the entire Underground and reach the castle easily during the past years, a defense system must be add, at the same time, I'm planning to add some entertain elements like puzzle solving in Hotland as the resident are bored and the place doesn't seem to have anything interesting rather than lava and heat, hopefully the renewal can improve the resident's living standard.
11th October, 1989
The renovation has been completed and an opening ceremony was conducted to celebrate our success. Many monster have come to visit the 'New Hotland' and even tried out some of the puzzle and transportation, including the king himself. The Core was a newly added area which connect our lab to the castle, it is responsible to maintain the stability of Underground electricity and transfer them all over the Underground, mainly powered by magic and the 2 souls we extracted. Ever since we added this feature along with the rest of updates, the Underground has become upbeat and happy again, I have never seen so many monster gathered in Hotland. Later today, I decided to invite Lucida and gave her a one-on-one tour in Hotland once making sure everyone has left. Other than thanking her, I wanted to show her the souls(the area still restricted to everyone but Royal Scientist and the king)which she sometimes expressed her desire to see them while we were talking on phone(we have contacted more recently and become close). The tour began once we finished a quick dinner, I explained briefly of how machines/ mechanic worked in particular area and mostly let her explored and tried out puzzles, sometimes she will like me to join her as Lucida thinks it was more fun when more people join in. In one of the air-vent puzzle, she have used her magic to summon a handful of flower petals and playfully placed them on one of the vents, later pulled me towards it and together along with the petals, we floated in mid-air and transported around the vents. At that moment I decided to let myself to be childish and play along with her. Once we 'finished' the vent puzzle, I led her to the lab and brought her to the souls, carefully sneaked inside without drawing attention of other scientist. Watching Lucida's reaction was surprisingly relaxed, from excited to a rather heartfelt emotion, her smile started to disappear and stare at the souls silently. She started to talk about her past and linked how the soul reminded of her, according to her, she was came from a small and poor family. Her mother died after she turned 4 years old and ever since then, her father was unable to speak and everyday refused to eat/sleep, just sat in a corner. Lucida was later being took care by a relative of her, unfortunately he passed away soon she turned 13. She has tried to return home and visit her father, even during the past years tried to look for him, yet he still never be found, without any choices, she have to survive on her own. Lucida stated she don't have anyone to rely on and nothing seemed to make her happy until she found a restaurant which often monster perform stand-up comedy, she felt less lonely and enjoy spending time inside, her mood began to improve afterwards. 1 year later, Lucida met me and enjoy the time we spend together as I gave her a feeling of security and comfort, in addition, I reminded her a lot of her father before his trauma. She then stopped talking for a while and just stared blankly at the two souls. Aqua moved towards her direction and glowed gently, seems attempting to console Lucida. Carrot(orange soul) was surprisingly quiet today, it just floated down and 'watched'. Few minutes later, I noticed tears began to form at the edge of her eye sockets. When I was about to console her, she stopped me and continued her story, later expressed how the two soul represent her relationship with her father, close yet distance, no matter how hard she tries, there was always a barrier which blocked her way like the 2 cylinder separate 2 souls. Once finished, Lucida began to cry and all I can do that time was to hug her tightly, letting her to bury her face and release the pain she had in her life…
13th November, 1989
The King announced all scientist are allowed to take a year off after years of commitment. Taking this opportunity, I decided to let myself relax and spend more time with Lucida. Ever since our hang out, she seemed to become quiet and heartbroken, sometimes talked about how much she missed her father. During last month, I tried my best to provide her consistent support like offer her a shoulder to cry on/ hearing her out/ walk around the Underground with her… Right now she seemed to be recovering and I'm glad to see her smile again.
29th November, 1989
Dating with a girl can be both awkward yet wonderful experience. Few days ago, me and Lucida began to date each other. It was quite awkward at the beginning but as Lucida started talking, I felt myself relaxed instantly…I am no good expert on small talk/ generally warming up with others, usually I rather be a listener and let them talk the rest, but for Lucida's case, I have opened myself and talked more often. Sometimes she will come to my house and stay overnight, we often exchange stories from our work place, playing card/board games or even paint picture (she is quite talented in arts). Without any stress or workload, it was the best time I can fully experience peaceful and happiness while spending time with Lucida.
*Thanks for the complements and praise, you're such a sweet heart even in your diary! :)
Lucida, did you just peek inside my journal? And for how many times I told you is a 'journal' not diary?
*Don't be so secretive, Hon'. Sharing is caring. Also you purposely leave your diary on the desk with a pen conveniently placed neatly next to it, doesn't mean that you eagerly waiting for my response?
Sigh….Whatever, peek as you like, I no longer have secrets to you…
12th December, 1989
*Knock knock
Who's there?
*Water
Water who?
*'Water' are you going to do for Christmas?
Lucy, you could ask me directly instead of write it down here
*I know, but isn't this more fun and can act as a message board to store our conversation and memories here? Not mean to be a privacy invader, but I have noticed you don't have much happy memories in your past, so I decided to store up some good ones for you.
That is a fascinating idea to use the journal alternatively to store memories, ingenious as always….
*You deserve happiness as well, now why don't we plan out what to do in Christmas?
14th March, 1990
Totally forgot to write down the things I have been through during these few months, I am being occupied either with Lucy, who officially become my wife last month and preparing for the Rite. The Rite is a simple yet sacred ceremony to all skeleton monster, which it requires one male and female skeleton to dance together, following a specific move and pattern. (Every process and dance moves will come out naturally in your mind once time comes). The Rite only performs when two skeleton fully love each other and want to have children (in short, it basically like a mating ceremony). I have never plan to have children as it required big responsibility and extremely time consuming, but after spending time with Lucy, who taught me the meaning of love and happiness. I have decided to convert what I have learnt and passed them to my next generation. The ceremony lasted for almost 1 hour, after the dance, the male skeleton need to sacrifice part of their bones in order to form the children's soul base (in my case were the palm part of my hands, each skeleton are varied to each other, until now I still feel disturbed to look at them) while the female skeleton need to channel most of her magic to protect the soul base by forming a bubble like shield to surround it. According to some elder generation, skeleton usually takes 10 years to fully grown and once the time comes, the bubble will popped and the baby is 'born'. We need to feed them milk constantly while they are still inside the shield. When the rite was done, two tiny white soul were formed in front of me and Lucy, both of them were surrounded by pink bubbles. Since the ceremony was magic consuming, after taking care of our children, both of us quickly passed out once we lied down on the bed, until now Lucy is still sleeping, the Rite really wore her out.
20th March, 1990
'Sans', meaning without. It was based on two typeface which were 'Sans-serif' and 'Lucida Sans', Lucida Sans was a font invented five years ago and a family member of 'Sans-serif. Since Lucida's name is literally a font and we have two new family members, I have decided to name the elder son after her, while the younger one, Lucy have named him 'Papyrus'. At first I have no clue of why she named him after a thick scroll of paper, later she explained it was based on a plant found in Egypt and the plant reminds her father who taught her how to make paper with it before his trauma. Speaking of her father, we recently heard some news from our neighbor, they said he was found lying in an abandoned house, dying in his sleep few days ago. After the funeral, I noticed Lucy was crying and smiling at the same time. Some monster thinks that she has gone mad, but I can understand that she was relieved and crying tears of happiness, her father can finally rest and reunite with her mother after years of torture.
1st April, 1990
*'Nail' it! ;)
LUCIDA! That is so mature of you for putting nail polish on the surface of the soap, now I cannot even clean my hands properly!
*Relax, G! Having fun is also part of life, don't let it 'slip' away
Sigh…..when comes to puns, there's no way to stop you…
*Heh heh…happy April fool's day and don't worry about the soap, I will buy you a nail polish FREE one :)
That will be brilliant….
4th February, 1992
I have created a tracker to monitor Sans and Papyrus' health and growth. In case you forget how it operated, just looked at the instruction I clipped inside the journal book. Remember to press the purple button in case you need me, the light blue bulb represent Sans's soul, while the orange bulb represent Papyrus's soul.
*Got it, just remember to rest often and don't overstrain yourself. Call me anytime you like. P.s It is happy to see you get use of the 'message board' :)
Thanks Lucy, you're the best. Isn't this your idea to store happy memories?
*Glad to see you change, G. Keep up with your good work :D
26th June, 1994
Kids really grow quickly, aren't they? The last time I checked, they were still a tiny little heart!
*Time flies…now look at our children. Papyrus's appearance looks like you while Sans's feature looks more like me, both of them are so adorable! I can't wait to hold them in my arms!
6 more years…I wish time can speed up a little. I have many plans for them but since we are getting old, I'm afraid some part may need to cancel.
*Plans can always change and modify, as long as it makes them happy and create a strong family bond, I think is already enough.
4th May, 1995
Sans's bubble busted and his HP is extremely low, only 0.5. It took almost 3 hours for us and the doctors to 'secure' Sans's soul by transferring me and Lucy's magic to a box like equipment which Sans lied inside. Since it was too young for Sans to do operation and he is way too fragile, the only thing can do is to let him recover naturally while giving as many energy and nutrition as possible. The doctor said the survival rate was low and few weeks time is the maximum Sans can live. As a father and scientist, I will not tolerate anything happen to my son. Using all equipment and knowledge (including the souls) I have, I will find and invent a solution to save him.
18th May, 1995
Animals from the surface often fall/flew to the Underground, since after they deceased, their body are able to preserve instead of turning to dust, we often took their corpse to study along with the human souls (2 more souls have fallen down recently, one is purple and one is blue. I have nicknamed them as 'Orchid' and 'Sapphire' respectively), trying to find out what makes their soul stronger. Few years ago, scientist started to experiment various subjects with animal parts and their soul( animal soul are more weaker than human and they are transparent). So far, only Test subject 42's soul able to be strengthen while maintain its original appearance. Without hesitation, I injected Sans with 42's serum. Unexpectedly, it worked really well and quickly stabilized San's soul and his HP raised slightly to 1. Instantly, I felt a sense of relief rushed over me. Lucy didn't seem to handle well and almost fainted. At that moment, all I care about was to make sure my son is safe and sound, didn't really aware of what consequence/side effects the serum cost…
21st May, 1995
Mistakes were made…bat wings have sprouted out from Sans's back…
I fuck up…
12th June, 1995
*It's almost one month you've never return home, where have you been? I've tried to call you and even sneak into the Hotland Lab, but you never answered and be found respectively. Just want to let you know that I no longer mad about Sans's accident, I shouldn't have harshly criticize your good intention and fully blame you for being a bad person that day. Accident is out of our control and you just try to save him. No matter where you are, please just come back….I miss you so much….
5th January, 2000
*5 years without you, it has become a habit and I have get used of the feeling of loneliness. There were few times I wanted to give up and left for good, but seeing our children, especially Sans. The thought quickly ceased and they motivated me to live on. I kept on telling myself that no matter what happens, I must stay strong for the kids and keep on believing one day you will return home. If you can read this in the future, I hope that you can let go of the past and move on, forgive yourself is a key to freedom, don't let it corrupt and destroy you. Love you always!
Lucida
P.s Happy birthday, I have put the gift along with the photos I recently took on our sons( look at how adorable and happy Sans is!) inside the diary, hope this can help you catch up with the kids :)
2009(Present day)
Coward…Bad father and husband…Failure….these are the words to sum up my past year and possibly the future. Ruined my son's entire life, being oblivious to Lucy's sickness until the day she died, which was right before Sans turned 6. Because of my desperation and selfishness, all mistakes happened like a chain effect. Even I have tried to make amend for my sons through spending time with them, but every time I saw Sans, the guilt and memories of the past just came back. The only thing which I found comfort on was doing experiments and working, which can let me escape reality and ease my stress for a bit.(How ironic is it? The job I often feel stressful on can give me solace). Going back to my old habit is not a good thing, especially it is the main reason to trigger the chain effect and cause the distance between my sons, but I have run out of solution. I have failed the entire family and don't deserve to be forgiven…
The only thing I can do now is to present the truth to my sons, especially Sans. This makes me less guilty and I have at least made a small redemption to him. If either of you reading this in the future, I'm sorry for being secretive and not spending time with both of you all these months. Perhaps I don't deserve to be your father because I'm clearly failing on the job.
Just consider I have never existed and forget me…