AN: so my dog ate my lap top charger :/ I just figured out that I can do a copy and paste thing from my phone so I'm sorry if this doesn't look right! I will update the other story tomorrow. Please review! Love ya'll

Disclaimer: I own nothing

He felt a wave of relief crash over him as he put the bottle to his lips. Just one shot and the nerves wouldn't be so bad. His throat burned as the liquid courage traveled down to his stomach. After a moment, he pulled the bottle back. Just about a sixth of the bottle was gone already. He hadn't planned on drinking that much. He had passed his limit, but was it really enough?

*A little more and then I'll put it back*

His lips were about to make contact with the bottle again when he heard the door open. Her eyes went wide as she stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. At any other time he would have loved to see her in nothing but a towel, but right now was not good. First of all, she had caught him red handed with an open bottle of alcohol. Second of all, he hadn't seen the extent of the damage Lewis had done to her earlier. He could see deep purple bruises in the shape of hand prints on the tops of her arms. Little burn marks covered the lower arm and leg regions. He had heard from the doctor that her chest was the worst, followed by her stomach and back. He couldn't imagine how they looked...

The look on her face told him that she knew exactly what he was doing; he was trying to drink away his problems. He expected her to yell at him, take the bottle from him and straighten him out. That's what she have done 3 years ago. Instead she surprised him with a simple question:

"How long?"

"Since I left". He saw her body begin to shake. The smell of alcohol was making her sick.

"I'm so sorry, Liv"

She put her hand up, she didn't want to do this while her hair was dripping and only wearing a towel.

"Let me get dressed, then we'll talk. Oh and leave the bottle with me".

He set the bottle down on his dresser, completely forgetting about his open closet, and left the room so she could dress. She sighed as she went about dressing. She chose a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. After she slipped them on, she felt a chill run down her spine. She had left the sweat shirt Elliot brought for her in the car. Since his closet was open, she decided to just grab another one. He wouldn't mind.

She bit her lip as she stretched to reach his folded hoodie on the top shelf. Her ribs were not enjoying it to say the least. She couldn't help but groan in frustration when she heard a light thud. When she saw what was now lying at her feet, she felt like she had been stabbed in the gut. With shaking hands she picked it up. Tears instantly sprang from her eyes and raced down her cheeks, dripping on her shirt.

Her body sank to the ground as her tears took over. She heard the door open, he must have heard her crying. He approached her slowly, trying to assess the situation, but her back was toward him.

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

He gently touched her shoulder but immediately retracted when she flinched.

"Please tell me that this is some sick joke or dream".

He moved so he was crouched in front of her, finding out what she was referring to. She was crying over the noose. She was crying over him.

"I wish it was... I really do, Liv".

Her brown eyes met his blue ones, asking for an explanation. He sat down next to her on the floor and grabbed her good hand, holding it between both of his.

"When Jenna came in with that gun, I only had one thing on my mind: to keep you safe. She had already killed sister Peg and you were too exposed. I didn't think Liv... I could have shot her in the arm or leg, but I shot her in the side. I held her in my arms as she bled, as she died. Later that night I went to a bar, I couldn't go home and face my kids. I had way too much to drink and I just broke down. I broke my own rule again... I picked you. I let my heart come before the job and because of that a child died, a victim died. For the next month or so, I went out and drank myself to an oblivion and only came home when I absolutely had to. I couldn't bare talking to you. Jenna was close to you, you understood her. I wouldn't be able to deal with losing you as my partner... If I didn't go back you couldn't request a new partner. I didn't even officially tell Cragen, I just sent in my papers. My drinking had gotten so bad at one point that Kathy kicked me out, divorced me, and even suggest that I talk to you.

Olivia, I convinced myself that you hated me because it was easier than dealing with the fact that I was hurting you. I'm a monster Liv, I don't deserve to be here... I didn't want to be here anymore. The pain was too much".

He finally looked up at her, but he almost wished that he hadn't. The pity in her eyes made him want to scream. He didn't want her pity, he didn't deserve it.

"I never hated you" she whispered. "I was mad at you for leaving me without a word, but I would never hate you".

He cupped her face in his hands and brushed away her tears.

"When did you plan on doing it?" She asked once her tears subsided.

"You know when you called? It's good you chose then".

She closed her eyes and nodded, trying to keep the tears in.

"Well, I'm glad that I called because... I need you, Elliot. There's no way I could get through the evil things that man did to me... Said to me... Made me watch without you".

He wrapped an arm around her in attempt to comfort her as she cried again. He knew that the next few months were sure to be emotionally draining for the both of them.