First published on Live Journal on 25 January 2008
Disclaimer: Nodame Cantabile does not belong to me. 'Tis a pity really. The things I'd do to the characters *evil, manical laughter* if they were mine.
What Do You Get When you Fall in Love?
Part 1
Chiaki woke up with the grandmother of all headaches and found himself in his own room. The previous night was a complete blur. As he tried to get up, he noticed a lily white arm spread across his person. He racked his brains furiously trying to recall what manner person he had picked up on his way home. He remembered drinking… much drinking… and lamenting but as far his memory would take him, he didn't remember having any attractive company. A horrifying thought then struck him which led to him looking under the covers. All his clothing appeared intact save for three or four unfastened shirt buttons. Then, he heard a grunt and a snort coming from the pillow beside him which immediately put him on the edge yet again.
Apprehensively, he peered over the pillow and saw a familiar face. He heaved a big sigh of relief. It's that hentai… What's she doing here?
She was fast asleep still… gently snoring with her face partially buried in the pillow beside him. He turned to face her and spent however long it would take to scrutinize her… every line, every curve, every strand of hair, the shape of her eyes, her nose and her lips. Her lips… in particular, held his gaze and tantalized his desires until a single drop of drool trickled down the side and onto the pillow. In the past, he would have been immediately repulsed. But there was something peculiarly comforting in the fact that this single drop of saliva meant that there was only one mad Megumi Noda and she was lying next to him like a stray that always seems to find its way home. Whatever else she was, she was his stray…
For now, his nighttime anguish seemed to be forgotten. He leaned over and kissed her lightly on the forehead, taking care not to wake her lest the moment be lost. The smell of her three day old hair… reeked of musty familiarity. A familiarity that he wanted to cling to for as long as he could. Her dress was badly in need of laundering… a stain on the collar, on the sleeve and goodness knows where else. The stale smell of the clothing was carefully hidden under layers of deodorant but not to his trained senses. Chiaki surmised that it would have been some days since she had done any washing. If there was a fixed point in her personality it was that she could be relied upon to be scatterbrained about her hygiene. Her room next door would be cute chaos and the grand piano would be drowning in a sea of pink and rubbish.
He was looking for a way to find his way back to her and yet it was she who found her way back to him. Long ago, he had tried to set the terms for this singular relationship but she defied anything that he was familiar with. She was evolving into something yet again and if he wanted to be part of this incredible journey that she was embarking on, he would have to learn to walk by her side on her terms. A thought that had been lingering in the recess of his mind reminded him that to keep pace with her, he would now have to be the kind of man who would embrace the woman in her entirety. There would be no room for reservations, second guessing or misgivings.
It was now nine. The alarm in her cell phone rang loudly. Closing his eyes, Chiaki groaned inwardly and sank back onto his pillow. She stirred slightly and uttered a low moan.
"Is it morning already?" She was semi-audible as she shifted against the pillow. Her hand cast about for the phone on the bedside table and then on the floor. Picking it up, she looked at it sleepily.
"Gyabo! It's time to go." She sprang up promptly into action and ruffled the disheveled mess that was her hair. Just as she got up to go, she felt a forceful hand hold her back. It startled her momentarily.
"Where are you going off to in such a hurry?" Chiaki demanded with unintended sharpness.
"Senpai! You're awake?" She scrutinized him carefully. "Good. I'm glad that you're alright. I was so worried last night so I stayed on to make sure everything was fine. But now I must go."
"Go? What's the hurry?" He found himself saying irritably.
"I'm getting special training for the third round. I need to practice extra hard if I am to get a place in the finals." She twittered excitedly.
"But… but… you've hardly been around the past week. Don't you think you're being obsessive about all this?" He carefully averted his eyes to hide his disappointment.
Nodame was astounded. "Doesn't senpai want Nodame to succeed?"
"Of course I do but…" He stopped short of telling her that he missed her. Damn you, idiot. Do I have to spell it out? "There's only so such last minute cram sessions can do."
"Senpai doesn't think Nodame can do it?" Her face fell and she looked at him sadly.
"It's not that… it's nothing like that at all." He looked at her desperately. It's coming out all wrong. "Can't you stay just a little longer?" Neither of them had noticed but he was still clutching onto her arm.
"I'm already a little behind schedule. I should've been in my own room practicing but senpai wasn't in a very good state of mind last night. I must've fallen asleep after that big dinner."
"What about breakfast?"
"I'm fine. I had a big lunch and a big dinner yesterday. It was Nodame's first time eating Turkish food. What a satisfying experience." She gave a contented sigh.
"Turkish food?" Chiaki gave a mystified look.
Nodame nodded. "It was delicious. And then Henri and the others took me to have dessert – gelato and crepe. And then for dinner I ate all your leftovers. So much food, senpai… boxes and boxes… who were you cooking for?"
Chiaki wasn't too much interested in talking about the quantity of food in his refrigerator at that moment. Henri? Who's Henri? He was about to ask that when his cell phone rang.
Blast! Theo! What great timing! He thought to himself sarcastically.
"Hello…" Chiaki spoke in a decidedly unfriendly tone.
"Chiaki, I'm glad I got you."
"Theo? It's Sunday remember?" What does he want this time?
"I'm sorry to wake you but the fire alarm went off. Someone may have set fire to the office."
"Why did you ring me? That's got nothing to do with me. Have the firefighters arrived?" He shouted impatiently into the phone.
"Yes… but I thought that you might be concerned about…"
"Call me when you actually have something important to say to me." Chiaki cut the call short and just in time to see Nodame quietly walking out of the bedroom and toward the front door.
"Nodame… wait…" He shouted after her.
"I'll see you later tonight, senpai. " She gave him a smile.
"I'll make you dinner." He promised.
"No need. I don't know how late I'll be."
"It's okay…"
Before he could say anymore, she had already shut the door behind her. As she walked down the stairs and out through the front gate, a million thoughts raced around her mind.
Senpai has been acting strangely lately. It's almost as if he doesn't care about the competition. Is that why he hasn't been to see it at all?
I thought he wanted me to aim higher… to take my music seriously, work hard at the piano. Now that I'm so close to attaining all that, he seems so far away.
He can't be jealous of my success, can he? I thought he would be proud of me.
Chiaki, on the other hand, collapsed back into bed gloomily, tormented by a raging headache. He was paying dearly for those three bottles of Bordeaux he drank last night. What a hellish hangover. Why didn't I just tell her that I miss her and be done with it? Would that have made a difference?
No one would know the answer to that question least of all Chiaki, who was lying in bed wondering why he was spending a beautiful Sunday morning all by himself cooped up in his apartment.
***
"That Scarlatti sonata is coming along nicely, baby chan but you need to remember to maintain a lighter touch in the middle section. It's Scarlatti not Beethoven."
"Yes, professor." Nodame assented obediently staring blankly at the keys in front of her.
"Be careful not too lose your momentum when you make that transition."
"Yes, sir. I understand." Nodame did not shift her gaze.
"Is everything alright, baby chan? You seem very quiet this morning."
"I'm fine." She was quiet for a moment. "Do I have the makings of a professional pianist?"
"Are you having doubts?"
"No… no… I'm not having doubts. I just want to know." This time she looked at Auclair and he perceived a faraway look in her eyes.
"Remembered how you used to pester me constantly about participating in competitions?"
"Of course… "
"Well, this is your moment… Don't waste it."
"I won't."
"And as to whether you have the makings of a professional pianist… that's entirely up to you, baby chan."
***
He had never felt so acutely at odds with her goals before. In the past he had despaired over her lack of it and then his heart soared when she decided to study abroad on her own bat. Now, that she was flying high, he felt a gnawing resentment that she was becoming out of reach. Why couldn't she stay the way she was? To be content… with what they had. What they had? But what did they have?
Even then he had sneaking feeling that going to Europe without her would make the experience incomplete. Now, he couldn't imagine living permanently in Europe without her. She who had been instrumental in bringing him over… she who in her all her frenetic madness had made so much possible. His childhood dream, his career. He was now basking in the glorious cradle of western classical music because of this hentai who seemingly sprang from no where. Classical music had been his greatest love affair since childhood… now only superseded by his incomprehensible longing for her. Longing? The word sounded inadequate and did not encapsulate the tumult that he was in. A convenient substitute perhaps but ultimately unsatisfying to his newly awakening sensations. Chiaki had persistently avoided thinking about that other word in relation to her. Substitute words seemed less complicated at the time. Like trying to squeeze blood out of stone… Chiaki was forced to face the truth of his own heart. Love. The word he had long denied her. The notion that he had strenuously fought against time and time again, had taken root somewhere in his soul. Had he finally thrown caution to the wind? Had he become struck by the same ridiculous madness that gripped her psyche? Madness or not, he did not wish to be without her.
Hence, for them music and love were destined to be inextricably linked. For some reason, she knew that from the start. She worked tooth and nail to prove to him and the world that she could be worthy of him and now, it seemed that he had to prove to her that he was worthy of her.
***
Chiaki wandered down a quiet alley off one of the main streets of Paris. The shop he was looking for took some finding… a shabby exterior hidden between an antique store and a health food store. He had spent the better part of two hours searching on the internet and came upon this website whose owner claimed to have a shop front in the centre of Paris. He rapped lightly on the front door.
"Monsieur Chiaki, is it?"
"Yes… thank you for coming in on a Sunday."
"It sounded urgent."
"It is."
"A last minute gift perhaps…"
"Actually no… it's a gift in anticipation of an event."
***
Chiaki tucked the package tightly under his right arm. Was it too little too late… He hoped not. The gift itself was nothing… he hoped she understood his intent.
If Mohammed was avoiding the mountain, then the mountain would go to Mohammed.
In the past two and a half years, Chiaki had not ventured down the hallowed corridors of the Conservatoire. Until this afternoon, he never gave it much thought. Busyness perhaps or perhaps a gesture of demarcation… that he would not encroach into her student life… a way to avoid mixing business with pleasure. Still it didn't stop her from encroaching into his and in the end, trying to keep things separate was a futile gesture. With them, the line would forever be blurred… music was their business and their pleasure.
Try as he might, he could never separate the innocuous feelings he had for her from the music that flowed from her finger tips. The two were inextricably tied to one another and would be as long as they were together. Music was the world that they both inhabited and for him to delineate would be akin to severing a part of himself.
Nevertheless, the bond that kept them together and now was threatening to tear them apart. Chiaki was at a loss. She had always been so dependent on him… and now that she was discovering her legs, he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know what part to play in her life. He had grown accustomed to being her caretaker and now, it seems, she was having to take care of him. That he had to depend on her in anyway terrified the perfectionist in him. That he needed her that much shook him to the core. That this freak of nature could find a place in his heart and set up shop there came as something of a surprise. And not an unpleasant one, as he was gradually discovering. Her strangeness held him in a way no other could. In the past few years, she had taken what little she could get from him, never asking for more. But little by little, she made in-roads and achieved what very few could… a home in his heart.
Traipsing down the corridors, he could hear the cacophony of instruments and the echo of muffled chatter. To find her in all that would be akin to finding a needle in a haystack. I should have done this sooner. He was berating himself. But I thought we needed our individual space. Was I thinking of me or her?
Chiaki dared not speculate… he was doing enough soul searching to last him a lifetime and he did not like what he had seen… so far it had merely been the tip of the iceberg.
***
There was something about the Scarlatti that made him think of her. There would be many who argue that Scarlatti without the harpsichord is no Scarlatti at all. But her Scarlatti had almost a meek childlike quality. Earnest, respectful of the source. Playful where she needed to be but self-consciously so, with the joyful knowledge she was tinkering with a little history through her fingertips. Undoubtedly, it was Nodame playing at the height of her unashamed gleefulness.
He ran down the corridor as fast as his legs could carry him but the playful homage to the baroque master had come to an end. He peered through the door and saw her head resting on the keys in front of her. She smiling a contented smile… as if she had overcome an insurmountable foe and was now resting from her labours.
Is this what she's been doing? Snatching a nap here and there.
He did not have the heart to wake her, knowing how sleep deprived she must have been. He could only stand there and watch. And he stood there for a very long time.
***
"Senpai… what are you doing here?"
"I had some free time so I dropped in to see how you were doing." He said with affected nonchalance.
"Did you bring me some food? I'm hungry. Practising is hard work."
Chiaki rolled his eyes. I'm sure. "No… but I'll buy you dinner. I passed by a nice sushi place on the way here."
"Sushi? I won't say 'no' to that!" Her eyes lit up immediately.
"On the condition that you go home afterwards. This is no place to sleep."
Nodame gave a solemn salute. "Absolutely. You're a life saver, senpai. I was down to my last mouldy croissant."
He looked at her sternly. "Mouldy croissant? Anyone would think that you're living in a third world country. I'm surprised you're not sick already."
"Me… sick? From eating mouldy food? Nah…" She twittered at the thought. "I've had a lot worse."
"I can imagine…" Chiaki remarked sarcastically remembering the state of her flat when they first met.
"Enough talking… I'm starved." With that she disappeared out the door, leaving Chiaki to catch up with her.
Not even a hello… that girl… the things I do for her.
The sushi restaurant was two blocks away from the Conservatoire. Although it was just after five in the afternoon, the dinner crowd was already beginning to trickle in. Locals, students and the odd tourist made up much of the clientele. Nodame lost no time and jumped onto an available seat, grabbing everything she could off the conveyor belt at an inhuman speed.
Chiaki was so preoccupied with watching her devour everything that he forgot to have anything himself. Maybe I was worried for nothing. Her appetite is as voracious as ever. Her playing is advancing at a rate much faster than I had imagined. But she does look rather pale and tired.
Eventually Nodame looked up from her feasting and realized that Chiaki had not had a single thing. "Senpai… aren't you eating?"
"I will… I'm not very hungry right now."
"Gabon. Not hungry… surrounded by all this delectable food…?" She looked at him in disbelief and put her hand to his forehead.
The warmth of her hand on his skin stirred up an undercurrent of feelings all over his body but Chiaki quickly took hold of himself. "Not everyone has your kind of appetite, idiot." He said brusquely. Do I really miss her that much that even a single touch from her has that much of an effect on me now?
"I do feel that I've been living in a third world country the past week." She said thoughtfully. "But it's all for a good cause."
"A good cause?" He looked at her quizzically.
"I'm working hard to get a place in the top three positions of the competition."
"Top three positions?"
"Yeah… Of course I'd like to win. The things I could do with that prize money… visit my family, visit Vieira sensei and not have to rely on anyone. And of course, to become a member of the PAMS."
"The PAMS?" Chiaki was beginning to feel like a parrot.
"The Paris Amateur Musical Society. They've invited me to join their orchestra and I told them I'd have to be in the top three before I'd agree. Can you imagine, me… playing with an orchestra?"
"You're playing with an orchestra?" Chiaki asked numbly.
Nodame babbled on excitedly. "Henri and the others think that I'm good enough. Still, it's only an amateur group but they are very good. Professor Auclair thinks it will be a good opportunity for me."
That Henri again… So he's a member of this orchestra… Is this why she's been so motivated lately?
"Nodame…" He began to ask, wanting to find out how deep the association ran.
However, Chiaki did not get an opportunity to ask his question. Instead he heard Nodame slap her forehead and jump out of her seat.
"Mukya! We'd better get going… I need to work on my second piece."
Once again, Chiaki felt himself left behind and ill-used. He slipped his fingers into his back pocket to take out his wallet and saw Nodame head quickly for the exit.
***
The walk back home felt especially long. A feeling of dread accompanied them all the way, mainly from Chiaki's end. His mind was full of questions that he was afraid to ask… lest the answers were not what he wanted to hear. He was bursting with curiosity about the Paris Amateur Musical Society yet feared that his questions would be misconstrued. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't jealous and that it was ridiculous that he was even worried about anyone or anything coming between them.
Still, he couldn't help feeling that something had changed or was changing… that he was being relegated to becoming a bystander. Like someone at a train station trying frantically to board a train that was pulling away at increased speed and was soon becoming out of reach.
"Well, thank you for dinner senpai." She gave him a hug before adding. "I should get back to work. Good night." For a man starved of attention, the hug stirred up more lingering desires.
"Nodame… why… don't you… er… stay the night. I'll make breakfast in the morning and I'll drive you down to your competition tomorrow."
"It's best that I don't… I need to be completely focused… I may practice till quite late. But I'll come over for breakfast."
"I don't mind… I can sleep through anything, you know that." He leaned over, planted his lips over hers lightly at first and then deepening it, leaving her in no doubt about his intentions.
Nodame was startled but offered no resistance at first. Her eyes closed involuntarily and she was immediately transported into a universe not unlike those visited by Puri Gorota. Kazuo, Liona standing in a straight line were joined by Debussy, Scarlatti, Schumann, and Ravel doing the can-can. The figure of the mongoose loomed large behind them, playing the accordion. In the background she could hear Professor Auclair's voice saying. As for being a world class pianist, that is entirely up to you. Then she saw Debussy, Scarlatti, Schumann and Ravel frantically waving their goodbyes… disappearing into the distance.
Reacting to what she perceived to be their abandonment, she pulled away instantly. The vision left her with a sense of foreboding.
"NO… er… no… Mukya, I'm missing the Puri Gorota special… Got to go, senpai… See you at breakfast." Nodame took off hastily into her apartment and slammed the door.
Puri Gorota special? A children's programme at ten o'clock at night? Chiaki felt deflated as if someone had burst his bubble. It was as if someone had slapped him across the face and ran off without any explanation.
***
Nodame took refuge behind the inch of wood that separated her and Chiaki. Mukya! That was close. For a moment there, I almost lost sight of my goal. Is he testing my resolve? He knows how much this competition means to me, doesn't he?
For the first time in this entire drama, Nodame felt a twinge of uncertainty. That Chiaki senpai would not be in tune with her hopes and wishes left a disturbing aftertaste in her mouth.
Part 2
Chiaki tossed and turned on his bed throughout much of the night, alternating between fits of rage and an indescribable anguish that was not unlike what he felt when he had to leave his beloved Europe that time when his parents' divorce was finally settled.
Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined her turning him down the way that she did. He had kept her at bay for the longest time and now that he was ready to go on to the next level she was no where to be seen. Would this be the hallmark of their relationship… an uncoordinated tango out of sync with the music that called them both together?
He was depressed… he missed her and yet he knew deep inside he had been the one holding back. The relationship had always been conducted on his terms and that gave him some degree of security. Truth be told, he had not completely given himself to her mad world. Ironically, however, it was her strangeness that insulated her from his perfectionist streak, his pervasive need to exert control over everything. All his negative tendencies fell off her like water off a duck's back.
He had committed the classic relationship blunder… he was well aware he had taken her for granted and now that she seemed to be drifting away, he could only grasp around like a drowning man wondering if he would lose her. The turbulent Schumann he could hear in the background served as a sharp reminder of how dissonant and discordant things were between them, at least from his perspective.
Consumed by insecurities and joyless ruminations, Chiaki didn't know how long it was before he drifted off into a fitful sleep.
***
She knocked on his door several times and received no reply. Is he angry with me for not staying with him? He must hate me if he doesn't want to talk to me… but surely he must understand why I'm doing this. He's the same. When he's busy, he doesn't like me to disturb him.
She was about to reach for the key when her cell phone rang and she promptly answered.
"Hello."
"Nodame… good… I'm glad I didn't wake you. Are you home?"
"Hi Henri… oh yes…"
"Listen, the others and I were wondering if you wanted breakfast… we'll come and pick you up in the van. There's plenty of space and then we'll take you to the competition."
"Ah…" Nodame hesitated, giving the door in front of her a quick glance. "I've made other plans."
"I understand. No problems. Give us a ring if you change your mind."
"Sure. Thanks for the offer, Henri."
Nodame unlocked the door and saw Chiaki standing at the doorway looking like the harbinger of doom surrounded by dark clouds. He had overheard some of the conversation.
"Senpai… are you alright… Didn't sleep well last night?"
She was greeted by a something akin to a lion's roar but a broken lion's roar… a lion in pain. After more than three years Nodame knew that Chiaki's bark was worst than his bite.
"I guess there's no breakfast then." She met the fury in his eyes head on. Perhaps she caught glimpses of the anguish that flashed intermittently in the glare he gave her.
"What do you take me for? This place is not a restaurant!" He could barely contain his anger.
"Then why did you invite me here for breakfast?"
"I… I… didn't." He voice was brittle.
"Yes, you did… I heard you."
"You heard wrongly." Chiaki snapped in anger. "I invited you to stay the night."
"Oh so… breakfast was just a reward for staying the night." Nodame nodded calmly.
"It's not like that!"
"Isn't it? Don't worry, senpai… I understand. I understand perfectly." Nodame turned away and moved to exit. "I think it's a beautiful day outside for a stroll around town."
Chiaki stayed firmly rooted to the ground he was standing on. It was as if an outside force was keeping him from moving another step. What the heck is happening to us? What is happening to me? She's going on another journey and I'm losing sight of her.
He wanted to tell her he was sorry for the outburst… that he was missing her… but nothing came out.
By the time he called out her name, she had already disappeared down the stairs and out the front door.
***
"Another amazing performance, Nodame. At the rate you're going, you'll be playing with the Vienna Philharmonic in no time."
Nodame giggled. "Ah Henri… you're too kind but even I know my limitations. I have a lot of room for improvement."
"I suppose you're having lunch with your beloved conductor."
"Ah… no. He and I aren't on talking terms at the moment."
Henri's face change to one of concern."Why… if it's not too nosy for me to ask… I thought he would be proud of your progress."
"Ah… it's complicated and not very interesting to talk about."
"Well, I won't pry… but if that's the case, the team and I are visiting an orphanage this afternoon. Interested to tag along?"
"I am but I should be practicing for the finals. The last two pieces are a killer."
"I look forward to hearing them at the finals…"
Her mouth spread into a mirthless smile. "If I don't die first."
"Are you sure you're alright, Nodame?" Henri looked worried.
"Definitely… don't worry about me…" Henri could see the steel in her eyes. "I am going to win this competition even if it kills me."
"You know Nodame… I get this feeling that you are not a person to cross when you want something badly enough.
"You mean like lunch…?" So saying, the growl of her stomach reverberated through the lobby.
***
The Roux-Marlet orchestra didn't know which side of Chiaki they preferred. The tyrannical, dictatorial commander or the cool, calm, collected pedagogue he was pretending to be that morning. He was eerily calm. No shouting… no yelling and not even a harsh word. They wondered who had kidnapped the real Shinichi Chiaki and taken his place on the podium. It seemed as if the weekend had performed some kind of surgical bypass in the brain of Chiaki and changed his personality. Nevertheless, the orchestra was still on the edge… mainly because underneath that serene veneer, Chiaki was a complete basket case.
He had managed to alienate the person that he cared about most in the entire world and he didn't know why. He thought he had tried everything in his power to prove his intentions. Her seeming indifference that morning was both infuriating and disturbing… it was as if someone had plunged a knife into his heart. Didn't she care… anymore….
With all his intellectual and musical prowess, Shinichi had quickly reached his emotional limits. I basically offered myself on a plate and she turned me down! What's wrong with that hentai? I thought that if I showed her… that she would…
The hentai, however, was not as indifferent as he had thought. She was deeply hurt by what she saw at his lack of interest in her music. She was facing the music head on, making tremendous progress and yet all he wanted to do was treat her like a pet. She wanted to prove to him that she could be his musical equal… that she, Noda Megumi could stand on her own merits… achievements. Why couldn't he see that? Why couldn't he be proud of her? She didn't want to be just a decorative feature hanging off his arm.
***
"Chiaki… You didn't go to the competition. Is everything alright?" Rehearsal was over and Kuroki thought it was high time someone broach the subject with Chiaki.
Kuroki received no answer. He was worried about Chiaki… and Megumi chan. They were turning into strangers… ships passing one another in the night.
Chiaki's was not in the mood for any heart to heart. His head was throbbing and all he wanted was to be left alone.
"How was the third round?" He asked evasively while pretending to look busy with the scores.
"It was very good. Megumi chan is into the finals. The Scarlatti and Schumann pieces she chose gave her a well-placed opportunity to demonstrate her technical and musical skills. In fact she has a very good chance of making it into the top three positions."
Chiaki looked up in undisguised astonishment. "Really?"
"I think she's capable of much better still. She will surprise everyone." Kuroki gave Chiaki an unusually hard look. "But I think the more important question for her is, will you be surprised…"
"What do you mean…"
"Will you be there for her, Chiaki… at the moment of her greatest triumph? Or will you let the moment slip away…"
"Huh…"
Kuroki thought a moment, as if he was searching for the right words. "I know Megumi chan… She put on a brave face in front of her friends today and there's no doubt that she's determined to win. But I know she's very disappointed that you haven't been there to give her that moral support. Something's obviously happened… I don't know what it is and it's not any of my business. But she's worked so hard and I would hate to see her… sad… when she should be proud of herself… She's come so far."
"Kuroki…" Chiaki was moved to shame by the directness and the sensitivity of the other man's words.
"Please consider what I've said. I hope for everyone's sake that it's not too late." Kuroki laid his hand on Chiaki's arm briefly before walking off the stage.
As he pondered deeply over Kuroki's words, Chiaki realized that his wretched headache had gradually dissipated.
***
He had forgotten the package which was still sitting in his overcoat. He had planned to give it to her before the finals but with one thing after the next, he hadn't done it. He wanted her to know that it didn't matter to him if she won or lost… as long as he was there to hear her play. It never mattered to him whether or not she was a roaring success but now he realized that it mattered to her. That she needed the affirmation as much outside their relationship as she did inside. He didn't know why it had taken him so long to realize this… perhaps he has been too insular… to preoccupied with his own demands, his needs to notice that the many headed beast that he had come to care for deeply was ready to make her mark.
He had no idea how to proceed… goodness knows he's never been the doting boyfriend and he had not the faintest idea how to don the part. But somehow flickering deep in the recess of his unhelpful imagination he had the idea that that wasn't what she wanted from him. He had never thought to ask her before. Now, of course, he was fearful about making any reconciliatory gesture… he had been a disruptive influence. He didn't give her the support that she needed most… now he would have to pay the price and stay away. Remembering how badly things ended the last time, Chiaki knew that any more confrontations between them just now could erupt into something catastrophic and worsen the situation. It was intolerable but he had only himself to blame… I should be with her now. She should know that I care. I do… I always have… Damn, why does this have to be so hard?
The perfectionist in Chiaki was nonplussed at the thought that there were no hard and fast rules in this game and yet he was expected to somehow face the music.
***
It was her big moment… her first major competition final in Europe. She should have been ecstatic and somewhat nervous. Yet, all she could feel was a dull ache sitting at the pit of her stomach. I really wanted him to be here… I did this for us… and now as it turns out, I was just doing this for me. I thought he would finally be proud of me… that I was facing the music and aiming higher.
Nodame gritted her teeth and mastered her emotions. All my hard work… I'm not letting it go to waste. I'm not giving Yoda any more reason to call me baby chan. I know I can do this. With or without him.
She walked out onto the stage to a wildly enthusiastic applause. Are they cheering for me?… But I haven't played anything yet. She was dumbfounded at the reception she was getting and yet, there they were, friends and strangers alike cheering her on.
She saw Kuroki, Henri, Tanya and some others from the PAMC waving madly in her direction. She gave them a smile and then turned to look at the keys in front of her. Before striking her first note, she stared up at the light above her for some final inspiration, saying a quiet prayer to herself.
Unknown to her, her beloved Shinichi was sitting in the back row, on the edge of his seat with anticipation.
She began with Grieg… a Lyric Piece from Book 4… Valse Impromptu. Her fingers glided effortlessly through the keys as she transported herself into the middle of a Norwegian fjord waltzing with the flow of the water in a small fishing boat… ebbing and flowing with the waves. The audience marveled as she produced these delightful glittering sounds… sometimes playful and often vigorous.
In the next selection, she played the first movement of Ravel's Gaspard de la nuit, based on a poem by Aloysius Bertrand. This first movement or "Ondine" tells of a mermaid princess luring the observer to her underwater kingdom at the bottom of a lake. The piece was obviously selected on one level to demonstrate Nodame's ability to negotiate through the various technical difficulties of the piece. But more than that it showed her affinity with Ravel's prodigious use of musical onomatopoeia… to create images with musical sounds. Fairies, monsters, demons… a dark fantasy world was something Nodame could revel in with complete abandon. As she told Auclair… it wasn't so different to Puri Gorota.
The judges were amazed that someone so young and relatively inexperienced on the competition circuit was already tackling Gaspard de la nuit… with such aplomb. For Chiaki, however, it was the longest six minutes of his life.
I had no idea… I didn't know how good she had become. He buried his head in his hands. You hid this from me… why? Damn you Nodame… I hate surprises. He silently berated her as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek.
***
Nodame knew she had done well… that she had done her best. It didn't matter as much as she thought it would that she came in second. It was her first major competition. She lacked experience but she knew that she would do better next time and better again the time after that. Her own cheer squad gathered around her and all took turns in hugging and congratulating her. Henri reminded her of her promise and said to her in low tones.
"We think you should have won… you were the much more memorable pianist. You are the one that people are going to remember tomorrow."
Kuroki said very little but his eyes were brimming with pleasure. "Congratulations, Megumi chan, you played superbly today. You should be proud."
"He didn't come, Kuroki…" She dipped her eyes towards the floor, fighting back whatever tears were threatening to spill.
"Look over there… Megumi chan… by the entrance. He's waiting for you. You should go to him." They both turned their eyes towards the place that Kuroki was pointing to and saw Chiaki fidgeting nervously by the door.
Nodame threw her arms around Kuroki gratefully. "Thank you for your support." was all she said before running off in the opposite direction.
***
"Senpai… you came."
"I came." He sounded as awkward as he felt. "You played very well. Congratulations on coming in second." You were simply breathtaking. Why didn't you tell me…
"How did you find out about my being in the finals?"
"Kuroki…"
"I'm glad… I'm really happy that you're here. I wasn't sure if you would come."
"Of course I'd come." He seemed to be at a loss for words. "It's not every day my... er... girlfriend gets into the finals of a piano competition. Besides I haven't heard you play much lately."
"I guess not." Did he call me his girlfriend?
"Here." He handed her the package that had been in his keeping. "It's for you."
"A present?" She looked at him in surprise. "For me?"
Chiaki nodded limply. "I… er… thought… well…"
Nodame tore through the paper and opened the blue box. Her eyes were shining with delight. "Liona… Kazuo."
"It's… er… pewter…"
"I know. Limited edition… 100 in circulation."
"I wasn't sure if you'd like it." Chiaki blushed diffidently.
"I love it… thank you…" She looked at him gratefully.
"I don't want you to think that this is some kind of reward."
"No… of course not…" Nodame clutched the box close to her person.
"I bought this a couple of days ago. I… er… it doesn't matter to me if you win or lose…"
"I know."
"I should go." Chiaki looked away and walked out into the large garden. The feelings of disquiet had simmered. I did what I came here to do.
Nodame, however, ran and called after him. "Senpai… don't leave yet. I want you to meet my friends."
The sight of her looking luminous under the moonlit sky dressed in her organza performance gown brought him to a standstill. "Nodame… I… please tell me that I haven't lost you." He blurted out.
"Lost me?" Nodame was looking rather lost herself.
"After our last meeting… things didn't end well."
"I suppose it didn't." She gave him an odd smile. "But all couples have their ups and downs."
"You seemed so distant, Nodame. Your competition and your interest in this amateur orchestra… it was as if I had no place in this other side to your life. Everything I did to reconnect seemed to make things worse. I just want to know what I can do to make things right between us."
"Make things right? Was something wrong?" Chiaki gave no answer so Nodame continued. "Even if there was, what does it matter? Nodame's love for senpai is not dependant on how much senpai loves Nodame."
Chiaki felt the full weight of her simple statement and whatever guilt he felt increased a hundredfold.
"That's the problem… with us… You talk about love all the time and I don't even know the meaning of the word."
"Isn't that what part of the fun is... To find out?"
"And you're happy with that kind of uncertainty?" He look at her incredulously.
"I am happy that we're together." She beamed contentedly. "Whatever else I get, I consider it a bonus."
All the time that we've been together, she's never really asked for much. She's amazing.
Chiaki fell within reach of her arms. "I really thought I lost you…"
"I can't believe you thought that I would ever leave you…"
"You're right… I was an utter fool." His smile was hidden in the semi-darkness that enveloped them.
The two of them enjoyed the warmth that the embrace afforded. It was as if the nightmare of the past week never happened.
"Senpai… you weren't jealous of Henri, were you? There's no reason to be, you know."
Chiaki cleared his throat and made a noise that sounded like a grunt. "Who said I was jealous?" He said gruffly. " I just didn't want anyone to take advantage of you… honestly, you're so naïve about men sometimes."
"But Henri is a good person. He really is. He even thinks I'm interesting because I'm strange."
"Hmph. Well, yeah… he can get his own hentai. This one is spoken for."
"By whom?" Nodame looked at him with wide-eyed with mischief.
"Hmph… as if you need to ask…"
Nodame broke away to go.
"Where are you in such a hurry to go?"
"To find out who I belong to."
"Idiot…" Chiaki dragged her back towards himself. "You are my hentai." He whispered huskily. "You drive me crazy and you keep me sane. You are a walking contradiction and yet I can't imagine never hearing you play again."
"Wow, senpai… you are very poetic tonight."
"In spite of what you may think, I'm not completely devoid of romance." Chiaki protested.
"Oh, I know." Nodame nestled up closer and in her most seductive tone of voice said urgently. "Senpai, the other night when you offered to let me stay the night… things were rather hectic but I want you to know that I'm available tonight and every other night."
"Really? Well… it was a one time offer only." He said with mock peevishness.
Nodame gave a mournful sigh and got up. "Well, a girl can't live on music alone. I'll have to go and find someone else to fulfill my womanly desires if you can't." She remarked with some degree of sorrow. "But we can still have meals together, right?" She continued brightening at the prospect.
With his outstretched arm, he pulled her back and she inadvertently fell onto his lap "Sit down, you hentai… I am not sharing you with anyone ever." As if to prove his assertion, he targeted her lips for all his pent up frustration over recent missteps.
After feeling like she was drowning in a white water of desire, Nodame came up for air and gasped. "Alright I believe you but this isn't enough, you know senpai. You'll have to do better than that." She teased.
Chiaki, however, was a picture of sobriety.
"I've been offered a guest conductorship at a major orchestra in Vienna for the next season. It was Vieira sensei's doing."
"Vienna?" Nodame was confused by the strange turn of conversation.
"Capital city of Austria… an important centre of art and culture in Europe."
"I know where and what Vienna is…" She narrowed her eyes at him. "But what does this have to do with anything…"
"I… er… would like you to come with me…" Chiaki swallowed nervously.
"Really? You want me to come with you?"
Chiaki nodded slowly… beads of perspiration trickled down his face and neck. "You will have graduated by then." Hopefully…
"But you've never taken me on any of your trips before."
"This is different…"
"It is?"
"It will be a… er… holiday… for you… and me."
"A holiday? While you're working?" Nodame was surprisingly alert. "I'd like to see that." She commented skeptically. "The fact is, I'd probably end up sightseeing by myself half the time. And the other half the time, you'd be complaining about having to take me here and there. No thank you. I'll stay here and find some work while you go to Vienna. I'll attend opening night, of course, and pay Vieira sensei a visit."
Chiaki appeared to be brewing with frustration. "Idiot! It's not that kind of holiday."
"What other kind is there? I haven't heard that there's a beach in Vienna."
He said nothing for a while and then mumbled something about the moon under his breath.
"Huh? You are not making sense, senpai."
Why is this so hard? Do I really want to do this? It's such a big step… spending the rest of our lives together? Can we do it… without killing each other? Can I live the rest of my life meandering through the hentai forest trying to make sense of all its idiosyncracies?
"Is everything alright, senpai? You looked like you spaced out for a moment." She was waving her hand over her eyes.
"I'm alright… just thinking about Vienna… about what we're going to do when we get there." But real bottom line is this… Can I live the rest of my life without her?
"What are we going to do?" She asked curiously.
Chiaki took a deep breath before beginning. "I'll show you all my favourite childhood haunts… and take you to watch performances by the Vienna Philharmonic."
"Really? Places from your past? The Vienna Philharmonic? You'll have time?"
"I'll make time especially if… if I'm on… er… my honeymoon." Somehow he managed to stammer through those words.
"Honeymoon? In Vienna?" Nodame fell into a daze. But only for a moment. Furrowing her eyebrows, she looked decidedly irritated. "So you decided that we're going to Vienna for our honeymoon. Who gave you the right to decide that alone?"
"But Nodame…" This was definitely not the response he was expecting.
"I don't know if I even want to go… now…"
Chiaki was having trouble believing what he was hearing. "Whaaat…?"
"You can go on your own, Chiaki." She said it with a decided air.
"Nodame, you don't want… to get… married?" Chiaki was still reeling from the shock of her initial response.
"I didn't say that… but no one's asked me, have they? Talking about the honeymoon before even mentioning marriage." She berated him soundly. "It sounds like you are the one who doesn't want to get married."
"How can you say that?" Maybe she's right… maybe that's why I'm holding back. But I thought she'd be ecstatic. "Of… course… I do…"
"You don't seem convinced." She looked at him doubtfully. "I can wait, senpai… until you are. I've waited three years, I can wait another three." She reassured him.
"No one's waiting three more years. The last ten days was barely tolerable as it was."
Nodame turned to look at Chiaki on hearing his more confident tone of voice. She witnessed the earlier nervousness transform into something more resolute.
"No more second guessing… no more wondering… no more waiting." He went on to say.
"Are you sure?"
"As sure as anyone can ever be."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means… that we're going to have fun finding out."
Edited: 6 April 2009