Prologue

Looking in the mirror, Feliciano now saw a completely new self from the person who used to stare back at him. That strange wraith of a boy with empty eyes, still somehow full of fear. The eyes that sought only one other gaze for safety and comfort, the eyes that feared nearly everything else they saw. Those eyes weren't his anymore. No, these eyes were different. Not quite sparkling. Not quite radiant. Not quite his. His true eyes. Those eyes he'd had when he was just a little kid in a big bright beautiful world, staring around in perpetual awe and wonder. He'd lost them for some years. But now they had changed yet again. Not empty, nor wondering.

No, his eyes were different entirely now. A new element had been introduced, one he couldn't bring himself to name.

Still, life went on. He grew up. He grew older. He grew wiser. And he learned how to deal with heartbreak. He had grown strong. He had learned how to be on his own. Or so he had thought.

He didn't even realize at first. He felt the gaze before he saw it. That seeping, cold, penetrating blue gaze reached his soul before his sight. Feliciano hadn't seen those eyes in years. Yet he could sense them as he sat bent over his notebook, trying to concentrate, he was distinctly aware of that all-too-familiar presence. When he turned, sure enough, he was instantly met with those brilliant, bone-chilling eyes that had been evidently been boring into him for some time. Now they seemed to swallow him whole.

All of a sudden he was swept into a world of memory, of happiness, of pain. All he had repressed came flooding back in an instant, and it was only an instant, because as soon as he turned, the familiar figure strode briskly down the hallway, breaking the eye contact as suddenly as it had been made. Clearly the owner of this bright blue gaze had not been expecting to see him either, and had been caught off guard as much as he had when Feliciano turned around and faced him. He was half tempted to go chasing down the hallway after him, but he knew from all his years of experience that the figure was already probably long gone. He had always been much faster. Still, the urge to run after him, to shout and cry and fling himself into his arms, remained as strong as it always had. But a different urge accompanied it now. A bitter, deeply remorseful urge to kneel down sobbing at his feet.

In his moment of indecision, Feliciano acted on neither urge, and later pushed them both completely out of his mind. He had to be rational. So he had seen an old friend, if friend was indeed the correct word. It changed nothing. He was still a different person from who he had been a few years ago. Those emotions were only natural, an involuntary reaction to seeing someone he hadn't seen in so long. It didn't mean anything. Of course it didn't. It couldn't. He had moved on.

Yet when he saw him in the hall later that day, he felt the old cool aura wash over him again, almost overpowering, even though he only walked at his side. That aura, that deeply intimate sensation, had never quite left them. Feliciano felt the memories rush back. And even though it was a long time ago, even though he knew now in his rational mind that neither one of them was truly ever in the wrong, he found himself deeply subdued once more.

He met the man's gaze only once the whole time they walked, but that instant was enough for him to completely revert for just a moment to someone so much younger than he ought to be. Someone who was suddenly so full of a heart-wrenching regret.

He wanted to speak, to grab his old friend by the arm, to sob on his shoulder, to do something, but he couldn't. All he could do was think, the same phrase over and over.

He said someday I would be sorry. Well…

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.