"How many of those have you had lass? Katy? Kate!"
She snapped from her trance, her eyes peeling from staring at the blackness that filled her little window to Lou. "Pardon?"
"I said how much have you drank?" he was clutching a handful of tiny glass bottles.
Kate leaned her head back in the seat and closed her eyes. She didn't feel drunk. She just felt numb. Numb was good.
"It's never too late. You don't have to feel this heartache lass," his hand rested on her thigh giving it a light squeeze.
"I don't want to talk about it."
The flight touched down on time at 11:35 GMT. She'd managed to snatch a couple of hours sleep somewhere along the nine hour flight but she still felt like shit. Exhausted, empty, hungover, miserable. She followed Lou to passport control and went through the motions of finding their luggage until they were making their way to the arrivals lounge to find Lou's son Christopher waiting for them with a wide smile.
He embraced his father before turning to Kate with a kiss for her cheek before his eyes studied her, "it's been a long time."
It had been years since she had seen Chris in the flesh. He only got better with age, how was it that men did that? "You look well."
He grinned, "you look like shit."
"You sure know how to make a girl feel special."
"Where are your manners son!" Lou chastised him but Chris shook off the admonishment with a carefree chuckle as he took control of the luggage trolley.
Kate was feeling too deflated to care about anything but staring at her phone with its 9% battery life left. No missed calls, no texts, nothing. She sighed and shoved it in her bag, "I'll catch up to you both."
The men turned to face her. "Come on lass, let's get you settled before you go swanning off to who knows where." Lou had invited her to stay in his flat for the next week while she waited for the house she'd decided to rent to become available. She knew she could have stayed with him until September when classes started up but she didn't want to impose.
"No, I'm okay," she plastered on a smile, "you two should go spend time together. It's been ages since you've seen each other and I have things to do."
Lou was reluctant but eventually he said goodbye and she stepped out of Heathrow airport into the afternoon drizzle wearing her parker over her summer dress which was wildly inappropriate for this chilly English summer day.
"Where to, luv?" the cab driver asked and before long they were pulling up outside the cemetery where Kate hadn't stepped foot since she had laid Harry and Ryan to rest. It took her a long time to find the plot which had once sat alone but was now one amongst many.
There were fresh lilies sitting in the vase. She knew that Jessica visited every week to replace them. She stood for a long time staring at the headstone and grass that covered the plot. When she had last been here it had been nothing but a rectangle of soil. She hadn't wanted to return to see Harry's name and his date of birth etched in stone.
It was a cold dreary day, a world away from the hot, humid Georgia heat. Her skin was prickled with goosebumps and the chill was starting to make her teeth chatter. She fell to the ground, bare knees sinking into the wet grass before she lay down across the plot just like she had done the day she buried them. She'd wanted to be with him, to be as close as possible but that day strong hands had pulled her away. It had been one of Ryan's best friends and her Uncle John They'd pulled her to the car and when she had made it home she'd told them to 'fuck off', in those exact words.
Kate had come home to be with Harry but now she was finally accepting he was gone. Really, truly gone. She was as close to him right now as she was ever going to be again and he had no idea. She couldn't see him, hold him, talk to him. She was just lying on the grass, damp with rain and freezing.
She let out a long shuddery sigh, her body was trembling even faster with the cold. There was nothing for her here. Aside for the distant screeching of a train there was nothing but silence. She scrambled for refuge under the leafy canopy of a beech tree and checked her phone. No messages. Just as she was about to load the Skyscanner app the screen faded to black, her battery finally calling quits on all her incessant checking.
Kate suddenly felt more alone than ever.
She walked to the Tesco Express that was down the road and used the payphone outside to call another cab. She didn't want to face Lou and all his worrying when she was such a state so she went to Isy's.
"Did you take a dip in the Thames?" Isy exclaimed as Kate stood on her doorstep like a bedraggled dog, her wet hair hanging limp.
"Its raining."
"But you're soaked through," Isy tugged her arm, pulling her to the bathroom where she helped her peel off the layers of soggy clothes before turning on the shower as Kate stood there in bra and knickers. "Get in and I'll make you a brew."
"Thank you."
Isy squeezed her hands, her dark eyes studying her before her lips tugged into a sympathetic smile. Kate was glad she'd decided to come here, it was just what she needed. She never had to put up a front with Isy. They accepted each other, warts and all.
When she climbed out of the shower Isy handed her a pair of mens jogging bottoms and an oversized t-shirt then she sat on Isy's slouchy red sofa with a mug of tea clutched to her chest, her body all bundled up in a huge faux fur throw.
"Better?" Isy smiled.
"Much."
"I'm surprised to see you here," Isy said.
"I know. We weren't supposed to meet until tuesday."
"It's not that! I'm glad you're here in the flesh I just…" Isy laughed. "I thought you might have eloped to Vegas with your new man. I thought I might have to take a long holiday in Georgia."
"Elope to Vegas?" her mind whirled. "That's not exactly my style. Changing my whole life for a man would have been too crazy… right?" Not to mention Daryl hadn't even called her back.
"Do you remember what you told me when you found out you were expecting Harry?"
"Probably not anything good."
"You said your life was royally fucked and that you were going to be a terrible mother because you couldn't even keep Ryan's spider plant alive."
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"You were a great mum. I mean you had some wobbles," Isy laughed, "remember when you cut the tip of Harry's finger off with the baby nail clippers? I think you cried even more than he did."
"Oh god," Kate gagged, "why on Earth are you reminding me about that?"
"I've ruined my baby," Isy mocked in a melodramatic wail and despite herself Kate laughed. It was nice to talk to someone who had real memories of Harry rather than relying on just her own. Although there were probably about a million stories that were more welcome than that one.
Isy smiled softly, "sometimes the best things aren't the things we plan for."
"I pretty much fucked everything up with Daryl. I walked out on him without a goodbye and told him not to contact me again and he hasn't." Even if by now she had called him more times than she'd liked to admit and their text conversation was a sea of one sided green bubbles.
"You're such a fucking drama queen K. I don't know how you find men to put up with you!"
"Oh thanks, some bloody best friend you are."
Isy laughed wickedly, "well I tried my best to be a good friend. Now I can be all selfish and say I'm pleased you fucked things up because I've missed you."
"I missed you," she set her tea on the floor and nestled against Isy, "who's pants am I wearing?"
"Remember that man I was seeing? I kept the comfy pants, chucked the boyfriend."
Kate spent the night at Isy's house. They watched 'Peep Show', drank a bottle of wine and ate Chinese takeaway. When she woke the next morning the first thing she did was check her phone and her heart broke all over again.
/
It had been two weeks since Kate had walked out of Daryl's life.
"Well this is it," Irma said as she inspected the house, fingers brushing over curtains, eyes taking in every inch, saying goodbye in her own way. "I made something for you," she hurried over to the burlap bag that was sitting by the armchair and pulled out a multicoloured bundle all tied with string before shoving it into his hands.
"What is it?" Daryl asked as he began to untie the string and unroll the delicately stitched little rectangle.
"It's a baby blanket. I've made them for all the babies in the family for over thirty years."
"Fer Charlene?"
"No, I just said I made it for you dear."
"What the heck am I gonna do with it?".
"Put a baby in it of course."
His ears flushed red and he choked on air. He certainly didn't want to discuss baby making with Irma who was like a mother to him. He also wasn't sure if she'd noticed but he was currently a bachelor and that wasn't changing any time soon, or likely ever.
"You can't just sit around moping all day, you have to get out there and do something about it."
"Nah, I'm through with all that," even if he had picked up a passport form yesterday. It had only been a moment of madness after yet another person had reminded him he was going to be "real lonely on that big old farm." He'd shoved the form at the bottom of his draw under a stack of Levi's and there was no way in hell he was filling it out.
"You're gonna need little ones to leave all this land to aren't you Daryl? What's the point in having it all if there are no more Dixons after you? Don't disappoint me dear."
He rolled the blanket back up and set it on the sofa. "Thanks," he supposed she was right and if nothing the little blanket would serve as a nice reminder that the only woman he could even think about sharing his life with was an ocean away. Hell, she didn't even want children, she didn't even want him. The thought tortured him like it had done for the past two weeks before he squashed it down with a low grunt.
Irma chuckled away to herself like she knew something he didn't as she plumped up the sofa cushions one last time, "you'll figure it out… I wouldn't mind seeing one more wedding and some good news before it's my time."
Jesus, talk about a fucking guilt trip.
She wrapped him in one of her lemony hugs which he breathed in all the way. "There's some stuff up in the attic that you might be interested in."
"What stuff?"
"Things that were here when we bought the place. I didn't feel right throwing them or giving them away." She stroked her palm along his face, her eyes were filled with motherly warmth "now walk me to the motorhome, won't you?"
With a heavy heart he did as he was told, taking Irma's arm in his and meeting Dale who was waiting by the Winnebago with his fishing hat and a sad smile.
"Take care of the place. You know we're only a phone call away," Dale said before he hugged him. It was one of only the handful of times he'd ever been hugged by the old man.
"I won't let you down." He almost had. The day when Kate left he'd almost followed Merle to Ed's bar, and the bottom of a bourbon bottle. At some point, as he had walked through the trees that led to the bar, he'd changed his mind. His fury had dissolved in the rain and his hurt had wanted the comfort of Irma's kitchen instead of anything his brother could ever provide.
"Take care Daryl. I'm proud of you, getting your life together and stepping up for us," Irma smiled.
"Thanks Ma'am, I'm gonna miss ya'll."
"Maybe we'll send you one of those postcards," Irma chuckled, her eyes dancing with excitement as Dale helped her into her seat.
With a heavy heart Daryl wondered if this would be the last time he would ever see the old lady again as he stood with his hands in his pockets and watched the Horvath's driving away.
Now he was really truly alone.
Daryl wiped his hand over his face, before scratching at the stubble that was overtaking his jawline as he looked over Dixon land. He didn't want to mar this moment with heartache so he decided to see what was in that attic.
He put his thumb and his middle finger in his mouth to sound off a large whistle and his puppy bounded out from wherever she'd been causing trouble.
"Come on Lady," he nodded to the coonhound who sat with her head cocked to the side and a too big stick in her jaws.
What Jim and Charlene had been thinking when they lumbered him with this damn dog he wasn't sure but lumbered he was. One look at her puppy dog eyes and he'd been sucked in. He couldn't even resist letting the little slobber machine find a place to sleep in his bed instead of her puppy crate. Damn dog.
Daryl settled Lady in the kitchen with her favourite toy before he ran up the stairs. He pulled the little cord on the attic door to release the set of wooden ladders that could do with being replaced. From his pocket he pulled a notebook and pencil which served as his little snagging list. Over the past couple of days it had become a big snagging list and added 'ladders' to the bottom of the very long line.
He tested the first wrung with caution before bounding up the rest. It was dark, he could just make out the pull string for the light that was swinging from the ceiling. He pulled the cord and the bulb flicked on, giving a faded yellow glow that didn't quite reach all corners of the attic. One thing was for certain, there was a whole lot of shit up in this attic. Jesus.
Past the stacks of boxes he noticed a shape in the corner that was covered over with a heavy white sheet. He clambered over the obstacle course that blocked his way so he could pull off the covering. Daryl let out a pained laugh. It was a little wooden baby cradle, of all the fucking things. Maybe the universe was trying to tell him something or maybe it was just fucking with him. Daryl decided on the latter and threw the sheet back over the top.
He forced open one of the many cardboard boxes to take a peek inside and found old photographs. Most people he didn't recognise but some he did. There was a photo of his grandfather when he was just a teenager. Daryl chuckled at the photo before shoving it back into the box with the idea that he would get someone to help him take all this stuff from the attic and go through it all one day. But now he had work to do, and plenty of it.
He jumped down the ladders and headed down the hall where he paused at his bedroom. He knew he shouldn't, he knew it was unhealthy and a little insane but he did it anyway. He stalked over to the closet, let the door swing open and his eyes landed on the red lace dress that was hanging amongst his shirts and jackets. He should probably have donated it to goodwill or just thrown it in the trash but it was the only part of her he had left.
He inhaled the smell of perfume that still lingered in the fabric and his heart ached with longing. He'd thought the scent would remind him of how nice her lips felt against his or how great it was to have sex with her. It didn't. It made him think of the way his chest filled up with air enough to burst when she looked at him and the the hurricane of bees that would swarm around his body when she smiled or when he made her laugh. It reminded him that the only person to ever make him feel this way was gone and that she was probably the only person that would ever make him feel that way. The only person he wanted to feel that way about.
Stop being such a huge fucking pussy. He had to stop torturing himself. Tomorrow he would gather all traces of Kate and babies then donate the shit to where it could be of use.