my apologies for not having this chapter up earlier when i'd promised so i made this chapter somewhat longer. i promise your questions will be answered in later chapters. i have to thank all of you for the fantastic reviews. keep them coming because they make write faster and longer chapters
disclaimer- twilight, new moon, eclipse and breaking dawn belong to stephenie meyer and so do the characters
An hour after The Incident with Bella, Edward was sitting in the living room of Carlisle's house with his head in his hands. He could hear Emmett yelling at something on the new television but he felt too tired to backhand his brother across the room. He needed to think but right now, his room wasn't the place where he wanted to be. Sighing for what felt like the millionth time, he lifted his head and scowled at Emmett.
"What's got you in such a foul mood?" Emmett asked without taking his eyes off of the screen. "Not that I'm surprised."
For a second, Edward's agitation took the best of him. Payback would be worthless without taunting Emmett first. "I was offered two dates today." He looked at the card that the strawberry blond secretary had given him only an hour and a half ago. "One from a certain Miss Tanya and one from Rosalie Hale."
Stone still, Edward watched for Emmett's reaction, trying to hold back a laugh. He wasn't disappointed when suddenly Emmett's eyes bulged as wide as they would go and he looked as if he would puke. He tried, however unsuccessfully, to hide the pain that was quite prominent on his face.
"Really?" He feigned interest, doing a terrible job at it. "Rosalie Hale, huh? And what did you say?"
"I told her we could go out anytime she wanted. It would be all her decision, of course. I can't decide who I should take out first but if I had to choose, it would definitely be Rosalie."
"Of course," Emmett agreed in a grim tone.
Before Edward could realize anything else, he was suddenly sprawled on his back against the white carpeted floor with a piercing pain at the side of his head. Without a second thought, he stood in front of Emmett's fuming figure, however painfully, resisting the urge to rub the ache away.
"Impressive," he stated. "For a second I thought you were oblivious to your own feelings."
At that, Emmett's eyebrows pulled together but the anger continued to emanate from him. "What are you talking about?"
"Instead of pining for her secretly and acting as if nothing's the matter, go make a move before someone else does. I'm sick and tired of you."
Emmett blushed but didn't falter when he spoke. "You're sick and tired of everyone, Edward. What's new about that?"
Edward didn't answer. Instead, he walked around Emmett and sprinted to the front foyer and out of the house. He could faintly hear Jasper asking, "What's his problem?"
A roll of the eyes was inevitable for Edward.
The wind and cold air did nothing to clear his head. It brought on with it the onslaught of memories of the night before, the night that had mistakenly changed everything for him. Because he was not the man he had been before. He was a different Edward, an Edward that he could reveal to no one.
Slowly, he walked through the crumpled leaves, his hands stuck in the pocket of his jeans with his eyes glued to the cracked concrete in front of him. Where he was going, he had no idea. Wherever his feet led him, he had no choice but to go since they had a mind of their own.
Mindless walking meant thinking. Edward kicked at the gravel and dirt flew in every direction. His life was exactly like that, like crumbs and sand. Just like they had been pushed around, the same thing had been done to him. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. It was hypocritical but it suited him.
He couldn't help but wonder if Bella somehow felt the same way. When he had looked her in the eyes earlier that day, there was an emotion splayed across her features that overshadowed the fear from his vow of revenge. It seemed very obvious what she was feeling for he had the same expression mirrored on his own face countless times. It took him a trip out of the school grounds to realize that she, too, had been through unendurable pain. Because, whether Bella knew it or not, they were both kindred spirits.
However, the last thing he wanted was to bring an innocent woman into his nonexistent life. He knew, though, that their meeting in the past two days hadn't been coincidental. He was off to a bad start with her. For one, he scared her by showing his true identity. And second, he had inadvertently threatened to kill her. Edward tried for the hundredth time to think of what on earth was going through his head as he whispered the words to her. Maybe it had been a moment of carelessness that caused him to do it, that freedom he had had when he was a young boy.
If he were to admit the truth to himself, it had been all because he felt compelled to do it. The excitement that coursed through him at the mere glance at her face brought out a happiness that had been unknown to him. Sure, he hadn't stopped thinking about her since their first encounter but that was not why his feet were taking him back to the slums where, hoping against hope, she would pass by again like she had done the previous evening.
Yes, he wanted to see her. Yes, he was anxious to talk to her. He knew for a fact, though, that it was not sheer attraction that mesmerized him. No, that wasn't all of it. Bella brought out a side of him that he never knew existed for himself. A side that was ethical and moral and brought out the human who was no longer dormant inside of him. She was the catalyst that made him a new Edward and he felt terrified to have that thought.
He stood for an immeasurable amount of time waiting for her, almost giving up when the stars began to appear. And anyway, he was hungry and the only way to cope with that would be to go back home and eat Esme's delicious food.
But then, he heard the faint tapping of the shoes and then the silhouette of a woman. With his head leaning against the bricks of the old building and his arms folded across his chest, he watched as the figure of Bella emerged. His heart sped up at the sight of her and he hated the feeling.
She was speaking into her cell phone in a heated tone though her voice was still quiet. "Jacob, I'm fine."
Jacob on the other side answered and Bella became angrier. She heaved a sigh. "Look, last night I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. They didn't harm me in any way. In fact, there was this man who made sure to keep me protected."
A ghost of a smile reached Edward's face. Bella was talking about him.
"Will you please tell Ness to calm down? Nothing happened. I would tell you if anything was wrong."
The man called Jacob seemed to be apologizing because Bella's face softened. When she spoke again though, her voice had a bit of steel in it. "Goodbye, Jacob."
She snapped the phone shut. In her stride, Edward could see the annoyance that was radiating around her. Seeing Bella was different from thinking about her. He wanted to make sure that he was making the right choice by introducing himself to someone like Bella.
In front of his eyes Edward could see Carlisle staring back at him with a disapproving glare. He knew he would be forgiven by his kind father for the atrocious act he was about to commit but for once, he didn't care what Carlisle thought or what Emmett thought or what the whole world thought. It was his decision and no one except himself had control over that. That all depended, though, on Bella's willingness.
He moved quietly so that he was in her line of sight.
As soon as Bella saw him, her palms turned to ice and she stopped moving immediately. She realized she should have used the subway. It was only evident that he would be waiting for her. After all, he couldn't have forgotten about his threat. If only, the school had allowed everyone to be dismissed from the building for the day so that the bomb squad could do their searching. But again, luck was not on her side.
She watched cautiously as he took more steps toward her, a haughty smile on his face. He was wearing a black turtleneck sweater with a matching leather jacket on top, looking immaculate as if he weren't a gangster at all. The anger rose within her and she narrowed her eyes. Fear was no longer prevalent but something in the back of her mind said that whatever she was doing was not a good idea at all. Bella ignored the aggravating voice. If this Edward was a gangster, he would have to dress like one. Giving the world a false representation of himself would cause a lot of problems.
Once he was standing right in front of her, the first thing she noticed was his smile. It was not arrogant. It was crooked, wistful, as if an internal battle were raging in him. For the second time, he looked vulnerable and it was difficult for Bella to think that the man standing in front of her now was ugly. She somehow managed it, though.
"I have to apologize," he began, his voice strained like he was struggling to say the words, "for what I said earlier today. I'm not about to kill you, Bella. Trust me on that." He chuckled but the sound was off.
Bella was momentarily dazed by his voice and the sound of his laughter. She had only ever heard him speak when he whispered and now that he actually talked, his voice was low and melodic and probably the best sound she had heard in a while.
When she didn't answer, he glanced up from the dirt he had been observing. "I'm sorry if that didn't sound genuine. I don't usually have to apologize to people. That's not in my nature."
His words brought back the full force of her exasperation. Did he really expect her to forget everything as if nothing had even happened? "You're really full of yourself, aren't you?"
Edward laughed, trying to lighten the suddenly tense atmosphere. But Bella didn't waver. She kept the grimace in place and mentally rejoiced at the fact that she wasn't scared.
"I don't know who you think you are but would you please just leave me alone?" she asked bitingly. "I don't care if you're rich and you always get what you want. I have nothing to do with you."
But you have everything to do with me, Edward wanted to say. However, he knew that that wouldn't bode well with Bella. Somehow, she wasn't like the Tanyas of the world. That thought made him grin. He had never been challenged before. Everything was always natural to him. Bella would renew some of the excitement he lacked in his life with the Cullen family.
She started to walk again, knowing that it would do no good to go home with Edward so close. He was practically stalking her. Bella watched in disdain as he walked backwards with her, always watching her face.
"Just leave me alone," she shot out. "My life is complicated enough. I don't need you to trouble me any further."
Then, she made the mistake of looking at his face. It was tender and knowing and again Bella couldn't help notice how handsome he was. She shook her head, trying to be discreet but his face was engraved into her mind.
The pain she had seen the night before as he pummeled James was back on his face. The same expression that had made him look like a young boy who was utterly helpless and felt defeated. It was a look that she knew all too well.
There was something about him that he kept hidden and she was surprised to realize that she wanted to know what was actually bothering him. Bella knew she should hate him but the more she looked into that face, the more her justified hatred subsided.
"Bella, look. I really am sorry about what happened last night. It's just that you were here and I was here and being around this place during the evening isn't safe. I panicked and did the first thing that came to mind." His eyes peered at her bandaged hand and narrowed. "I felt irritated to say the least. I usually don't have to protect anyone during fights like those.
"And then, you clearly stated what you thought of me. When I saw you earlier today, I did the only thing that came to mind. I threatened you but I had no intention of acting on it. You have to know that. I just don't want you to hold a grudge. Maybe the best thing to do is start over and forget everything. Believe me."
Bitter memories seeped through Bella's thoughts. Believe me. The phrase was nothing but two measly words that should've meant nothing to her but after hearing them, she could feel the tears in her eyes. She forced them in, gritting her teeth. The words "believe" and "trust" were no longer part of her vocabulary.
"What do you say?"
Bella turned her head away, willing her tears to not spill over. She would not allow Edward to see her cry.
"Are you all right?" he asked her quietly.
Her voice was muffled when she answered. "I'm fine."
Edward didn't say anything in return but she knew he was watching her warily. She kept her face in a mask that she was afraid would fall at any second. His relentless eyes were reading her in a way that made her uncomfortable, like he was about to unlock her secret.
"You're crying," he said. His words were not a question.
"No, I'm not," she answered pitifully but the tears that fell from her face betrayed her words.
In that instant, Edward knew. She had her own monsters in her life. Whether it was in her past or her present, he was determined to find out.
"What's wrong?" he whispered. If he spoke any louder, the calm air that had settled around them would break.
"Nothing is wrong, Edward." She didn't mean it. Even to herself, she could hear every facet of the lie.
A thrill shot through Edward and he felt ashamed. Something was clearly bothering her and yet the only thing that registered in his mind was the way she'd said his name.
"You can tell me," he probed.
At his insistence, Bella said everything that was rising inside of her. If he wanted to know, then he would get the whole despicable truth. "Last night, you told me to trust you. Today, you tell me to believe you. In my life, every time those two words have been uttered, I was the one who was always betrayed.
"You're nothing but a stranger to me and after everything that's happened, you expect me to forgive you? Tell me, how many people have benefited with you in their lives? How many people have smiled at you and thanked you for what you do? Because to me, you are nothing but a killing machine.
"So my answer to you, is no. I do not want to start over. You've already made your impression on me very clear."
Bella turned her head away from him and took a deep breath. It felt good to let that all out. Her head steadily became lucid and a grin crept its way onto her face.
"I'm sorry," he said again. His words burned with an intense fervor. "I… I didn't know you felt that way."
When she turned back to look at him, his face was expressionless, cold. His green eyes were no longer shining. They were dull, dead as if her words had hurt him.
Bella swallowed tightly as she stared at him. Edward was careful to avert his eyes away from her probing face. The silence between them grew. Bella didn't know exactly when they had both stopped walking but she started up again, anything to get away from the sight of his face.
She was aware of Edward still standing behind her, his gaze lifeless. As if it were an instinct, the guilt coursed through her. She couldn't deny that her words had been harsh but as she went over them in her head, she noticed how hateful they were. She wouldn't have been surprised if he were burning holes into the back of her head.
Trying to tell herself that he deserved it was hopeless because in the end, he hadn't exactly done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault she saw her violent past whenever she looked into his face. It wasn't his fault that his type was the cause of her trauma. And yet, it was all his fault because people like him existed in the world.
Bella walked aimlessly through the streets, her head filled with thoughts of Edward and her past. She didn't even notice that her injured hand was fisted so tightly that the gauze around it was wet with blood. Bella begrudgingly decided it would be best to go back to the hospital.
Meanwhile, Edward stood there behind her with his eyebrows furrowed and the anguish etched all over in his stance. At that moment, he decided that he had made the wrong choice. Even Bella wouldn't understand and suddenly he could think of only one thing to do. He felt sure that the new Edward couldn't exist in the messed up world where he lived and so, he would have to suppress that new facet of himself.
He went to Carlisle. He walked straight through the hospital doors, ignoring the eyes ogling him. As his palm landed on the knob to Carlisle's office, he froze. He realized that the last thing any sane man who knew Carlisle would not go to him for help in a situation like this. Because then, his worst nightmare would come true. If Carlisle found out that Edward was still thinking the way that wasn't allowed for him but was inevitable anyway, Carlisle would do something rash. Edward cringed at the thought of his family getting hurt because even though the good doctor was compassionate, he was a dangerous man.
Another plan formulated itself in his head and Edward found himself turning the knob. Carlisle was sitting at his desk, talking pleasantly on the phone. When he saw Edward, his grin brightened and he ushered his son over to a recliner in front of his desk. Sitting in the chair made him feel formal and stiff, like he wasn't Dr. Cullen's favorite son at all.
As Carlisle talked, Edward looked at the walls covered with plaques and certificates that indicated all of Carlisle's achievements. An unexpected wave of envy coursed through his veins. He resisted the urge to throw them on the floor and set them on fire as he watched Carlisle's success become nothing but ash.
Carlisle had everything he wanted in life. Esme was a perfect mother but she was the good doctor's trophy wife. Alice and Jasper were the last of his children and yet they had made a private living with each other. Emmett was fast taking the same route as them and soon the only person alone and lonely would be Edward.
"So Edward, what brings you here to the hospital on this fine evening?" Carlisle asked, folding his hands together and pulling Edward out of his reverie.
Edward resisted the urge to grimace at Carlisle's cheerful tone. There wasn't a thing that was fine about this evening. "Nothing of importance." And then, he blurted out the words he never would have thought he would be brave enough to say. "I was wondering if it would be a good idea to resume my graduate program on medicine."
There wasn't a doubt in his mind why those words came out of his mouth but he was surprised that his voice didn't quiver when he uttered them in the good doctor's presence.
Carlisle's smile was brighter than before. "That is an excellent idea, Edward. It would prepare you for things in the future and it would be an asset to the family. Continuing your studies would be more than beneficial for you."
And that was exactly what Edward had wanted to hear. He wanted to be known as Edward Cullen or rather Edward Masen, MD, instead of always being called Carlisle Cullen's son. He was a man and with a surge of embarrassment, realized that he was a man dependent on his adoptive father. The thought made him feel completely pathetic.
"Thanks, Carlisle. When would you prefer me to start?" He ran his hand through his hair.
"As soon as you can. I know you have your degrees and I can get you a place in the program since it started just about a week ago." The glint in his eyes became gentle and speculative. "You know, I was talking to a patient of mine about you, about how she reminds me of you."
Edward wasn't sure whether he should have laughed or scowled. Instead, he kept his face stoic. "Is she masculine or am I feminine?"
"Neither," Carlisle answered and shrugged, stifling a chuckle. "We were discussing some things and then you became the main focus. She came to me yesterday after claiming she scraped her knuckles on concrete. Her hand was quite the sight. "
His eyes widened at Carlisle's words. Where had he seen a person with a hand wrapped in gauze? With a wave of nausea came the realization. Bella was his patient?
"Bella Swan," Carlisle said, shaking his head, oblivious to Edward's stone figure. "She's one of my favorite patients."
His phone rang then and Edward stood, trying to keep his face relaxed. "I'll see you at home."
Carlisle grinned, nodded and held the phone up to his ear. "Dr. Carlisle Cullen speaking."
Edward was almost about to step out of the office when the good doctor's rarely cold tone spoke up. "What are you doing in the hospital?"
Who was talking to Carlisle, Edward had no clue.
"I will not tolerate this. You have no right to be here right now, putting all my patients' lives in danger. They are human, after all."
Then, Edward heard the smooth voice on the other side and his eyes narrowed. Of all the places they could have gone to, did they have to enter the hospital where there were both the living and his father? Couldn't they have gone to a reclusive island from where they couldn't ever escape?
Deciding that the best idea would be to just leave, Edward opened the door and walked out. He wondered if it would be best to let Carlisle handle this abrupt turn of events alone or if he should be there to clears things out so that Carlisle didn't even have to see their faces at all.
Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw the three brothers walking toward him from one side of the hall and then there was Bella Swan, holding her injured hand close to her chest, a look of pure pain on her face on the other side. At that, Edward panicked and then felt the fury rise within him. The brothers didn't seem to notice him at all. So he took the chance and grabbed Bella by her shoulder and pulled her into a secluded room.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked her, furious, irrational. "Of all the places you could have gone, you just had to come here, didn't you?"
Bella stood near a chair in the gloomy room. She looked like a small kid that had gotten caught stealing a cookie from a jar before dinner. In her eyes though, he could see the anger unleashing itself.
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked through clenched teeth. "Are you telling me what to do now?"
Edward tilted his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. Maybe it would have fared better if he had decided to talk to the brothers instead of Bella. "No, Bella. I've just been saying all the wrong things today and right now, I'm a bit stressed. So you'll have to excuse the attitude."
Her eyes flickered to the door and then back to his face. "What's going on? You look as if something wrong is happening."
"You're not very far from guessing correctly. Look, Bella. I'm going to be honest with you. There are some very dangerous men in the building and this is the last place where you want to be right now." He strained a hard laugh, wondering how she could even tolerate so much traumatic occurrences in the last two days. He had to admit to himself that she was definitely a strong girl.
He expected the tears to fall, expected her to curse her bad luck but she only sighed, shocking him. With a look at Bella's demeanor, another revelation hit him. She accepted all the pain in her life, whereas he clearly couldn't come to terms with his own.
She noticed his shock. "That was bound to happen sooner or later. Right now, I just need to see Dr. Cullen so that I can get my hand rewrapped." He watched in astonishment as she held up her bloodied hand and smiled at him sheepishly.
She'd said the good doctor's name, making the unreal become a reality for him and that hurt. Because whether Bella knew it or not, she was already associating herself with tainted people and Carlisle Cullen was worse than Edward Cullen, himself.
"Here," he said. "I'll wrap up your hand." However, before he could even walk toward the counter where the gauze was located, he heard their voices. Everything in him froze. He searched Bella's confused face, feeling the panic in his own. In that moment, he vowed that Bella would not see his ugly side this time.
"Stay away from the window," he instructed as Bella nodded. "Make sure you aren't seen."
He pulled open the door to the room and took a deep breath. He warily watched as the three brothers turned to face him, their faces alight with surprise.
"Aro. Caius. Marcus." He greeted them with a curt nod of his head, his tone formal yet partially cordial. His hand wrapped tightly around the revolver in the pocket of his jacket. "I would prefer it if you all didn't take another step further towards Carlisle's office."
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