"Kash? You ok?"

Kashoku woke with a start, her head pounding with a headache that hadn't gone away for days. She looked around, dazed and confused, not knowing how she had gotten from the infirmary to here. Where was-oh. Burying her face in her hands she let out a shuddered sigh. "I don't know why I came here."

She felt Ellis slide into the chair next to her at the island counter top. "Because it probably all feels like a bad dream, and you were hoping you'd come in here and everything would be normal."

Kashoku slid her hands back so that she could see her commander. "But that's just it. It is completely normal. Everything is exactly how he left it… He's just not here."

"It's ok to grieve, you know, but I'm not going to let you blame yourself," he told her plainly. "I've lost soldiers before, and it doesn't help. Finding someone to blame doesn't make it go away."

The Spiran rubbed at her eyes, void of tears but red and raw from tiredness. The nurse had told her she had slept for two days before she fled the infirmary, but she didn't feel any more rested than she had before returning from the mission. "I know there was nothing I could have done, even if I had been at full strength, but I'm not used to this. I've never not been able to heal someone."

"Just goes to show that not even magic is the answer for everything," he mused. Sucking in a breath he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I want you to come stay with me, tonight. I don't want you here by yourself. You're still recovering, and I don't think you can get a restful sleep here at the SGC."

Kashoku didn't bother arguing, and offered up a nod as her answer. "When's our next mission?"

Ellis pursed his lip, irritated by the inquiry. "Thursday…I tried to convince General Hammond to give us some leave, but I was shot down quicker than I could ask the question. SG-1 has priority and we're too many teams down right now to afford putting us out of commission for more than the time needed for you to get back on your feet magic wise."

She nodded, understanding. "SG-1 should have priority. He was their team member, after all."

Ellis hummed neither approval nor disapproval at the comment. "Put together an overnight bag. There's nothing else to be done today, so let's just go on home. Amy already knows you are coming, and it'll be a great surprise for the kids."

Kashoku smiled slightly before willing herself to get out of the chair. She strummed her fingers against the countertop, mind still trying to gather and process everything that had happened the past week. "I…I came to a few times while in the infirmary. It was never for very long, but every time Brandon was there."

Ellis scoffed. "Tch. He never left. I had to kick him out, sent him home to take care of Justice. Coincidentally, that's when you decided to wake up and sneak out on us," he accused in jest. "It was like you knew he had left."

Kashoku looked to the ground, ashamed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-,"

"Stop," he insisted. "Don't be sorry for anything. It's ok. Go get changed, and we'll go, ok?"

Kashoku hated walking through the halls of the SGC. Every time she thought she might for a moment push Daniel to the back of her mind she would receive another look of pity. She changed quickly and kept her eyes down as she walked through the hallway, doing everything she could to avoid the gazes of any personnel that passed by. Ellis made small talk during their drive, happily chatting about his kids' recent achievements in school and some of Amy's new recipes. Kashoku was thankful that he didn't try and ask how she was doing.

Amy showed no signs of knowing the circumstances around Kashoku's appearance, offering only welcoming hugs and smiles as she ushered the Spiran into the house. Jessie and Cody waived to her from their spots on the couch as Ellis took her bag and walked towards the back of the hall with it.

"Momma said you're staying with us a few days," Jessie grinned excitedly.

"You're going to play with us lots, right?" Cody asked, climbing over the top of the couch to better see her.

"Stop badgering her," Amy insisted with a light smack to her son's arm as she passed by. "You'll leave her alone while she's here."

Seeing the children's' forlorn faces Kashoku assured them, "Of course we'll play, just not as much as you'd probably like. I've been really tired lately."

"Come on." Amy placed her hands on Kashoku's shoulders and led her towards the kitchen. "I could use some help finishing dinner and I've got this bottle of fantastic wine that needs some tasting."

Kashoku watched eagerly as Amy pulled out two wine glasses and made quick work of the cork. Nothing sounded better than a drink right now. She took the proffered glass gratefully and let her shoulders relax as she took a sip. "Thank you."

Amy took a sip of her own and ran her finger around the rim of the glass thoughtfully. "He couldn't tell me much. Not that he ever can," she let out a slightly annoyed huff as she took another sip. "But just know that you are always welcome here for as long as you need. I don't want you to ever feel like you are a disposition on our family."

Kashoku responded with a small but appreciative smile. "It really amazes me how little you know me, but you are willing to allow me into your home like this."

She gave an amused huff as she set down her glass and slipped an oven mitt on. "I've been informed you've saved my husband's life on more than one occasion. That's all I need to know." She pulled out a steaming casserole and placed it on top of the stove. "Grab the salad from the fridge and put it on the table, would you?"

Kashoku nodded and did as she was asked, the children scurrying into the kitchen to wash their hands knowing that it was almost time to eat. Ellis passed her by and grabbed a beer from the fridge before everyone joined in the dining room and took their seats. "This looks amazing as always," she beamed as the aroma filled the air.

"I've got peach cobbler and homemade vanilla ice cream for dessert," Amy added, unfolding her napkin and laying it down on her lap.

The rest of the night passed quickly, an air of ease to the evening that Kashoku threw herself into gratefully. Yet despite what Amy and Ellis both said, she still felt like an intruder in their home as she climbed into bed, stretching out and feeling what were definitely very expensive pillows. Amy even had a full breakfast prepared for everyone before Jessie and Cody headed off to school and she and Ellis had to head back into the SGC. They had a morning brief on a mission that was three days out, but Kashoku couldn't remember where they'd be going or even why by the time they made it back to their office.

"Are you even listening to me?" Kage huffed in annoyance.

"Huh?" Kashoku asked with a slight shake of her head, having been staring off into space once again. She focused on her friend, confused. When had Kage shown up?

Kage rolled her eyes, oblivious or willing to forgive Kashoku's distraction. "I said, Connors agreed to let us have team bonding at the bar tonight. You're going to come, right?"

Kashoku gave a small shrug. "I don't know. I don't really think I want to be around everyone right now."

There was an agitated huff as Kage switched to Spiran despite Carr and Wells both having loud music blaring from headphones and Rodd too engulfed in his current project to care about eavesdropping. "Look. I'm sorry Daniel died."

"Are you?" Kashoku asked accusingly, squaring her shoulders.

"Yes. No." She crossed her arms and looked away. "I'm sorry that he died because it has upset you."

Well, at least that was honest. "You're really good at this, you know," she responded sarcastically.

"Tch." Kage countered, "I'm the most sympathetic person there is."

Kashoku shook her head and sighed, turning her attention away from her friend. Suddenly she didn't want to talk about the issue anymore, especially not with Kage, who well-meaning or not was only tearing into healing wounds. "Maybe," she demurred.

Kage must have already used up her limited empathy, because her expression shifted to irritation as she stood up. "Kashoku, he's dead. He's not coming back and there was nothing you could have done. Stop drowning in your self-pity and get back out there. You're going to jeopardize one of your own teammates if you keep acting like this."

Kashoku's gaze snapped back to Kage. The haze that had clouded her mind all morning boiled red, and she felt her cheeks and ears warming in fury at Kage's accusations. "Just go," Kashoku hissed, unable to deal with Kage's bluntness any longer. What she was saying was right, but the delivery left much to be desired, and she was done.

Kage left and aimed for the gym. With luck, someone she knew would be there to help ease all the built up tension she had somehow managed to not let loose on Kashoku. She'd known the other woman would be upset, but what was with the lost little girl look? She'd asked around and she knew Kashoku had a mission in a few days. If she didn't snap out of it, Jackson wouldn't be the only casualty that week. Yet did Kashoku seem to care? No, she just wanted to carry on with her pity party.

To the punching bag's good fortune, Rafe was already there, lifting weights when she stormed. She didn't have to say a word, her team member chuckling and offering a spar the moment he saw her face. The good-natured man kissed the mat twice before he coaxed the story out of her, and then just hummed quietly.

"I don't fucking get it," she growled as she grabbed Rafe's quickly approaching fist and went to twist it around her.

"You don't think you're being even a little bit insensitive?" he asked, pulling free from her counter attack. He stepped back to the corner of the mat to collect himself, keeping a steady eye on her.

"No," she responded flatly, flipping her ponytail over her shoulder and raising her fists once more.

He laughed as she charged at him, making a half-hearted attempt to meet her, but his mirth quickly found him on his back. Kage sat straddling his hips, her knuckles centimeters from his face, and her expression as sour as a wet cat's. He grinned. "You're being an asshole."

Kage shoved him into the mat in protest before maneuvering herself off of him and grabbing her towel from the bench to wipe herself off. "What else is new?"

Rafe gave another snicker as he propped himself up on an elbow, still lying on the mat. "Ain't nothin' changing about that any time soon, I figure. Do you think Kash is going to want to go back to Spira now?"

Kage froze, towel half-way down her face. The thought hadn't even once crossed her mind. It had been the whole reason she had come here, to get Kashoku to come home. But she had lost sight of that, growing kind of comfortable with the daily SGC routine and the excitement of going off world. If she had to be honest with herself, she had more friends here than she had ever had back on Spira. It seemed weird to acknowledge it, but she didn't want them to return home anymore. "I… don't know. She hasn't really said." She finished wiping her face and set the towel down, exchanging it for her water bottle. "But…I don't think she'll go. Leaving Spira was never really about Daniel."

"So he was a means to an end, huh?" Rafe finally rocked himself up and pushed himself to his feet, joining her in wiping himself down and hydrating. "You saying she never intended on being in a relationship with him? I never really got that impression, but I didn't know much about them. They seemed happy until a few months back."

"No," she shook her head. "I think she had every intention of trying, but I also think Kashy likes the idea of things a lot better than she actually likes them," Kage explained. "Plus, I think the SGC offered a distraction… wandering eyes and all that."

Rafe raised a curious eyebrow. "You think she's had the hots for someone else? Who?"

Kage laughed. "Ha! Like I'd tell you, you gossip. Don't think I don't know how you manage extra dessert from the commissary."

"Hey, I'm just making sure my military given recon skills stay sharp, no fault in that. If I get paid in cinnamon buns and brownies, that's no one's business but my own," he defended.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Just make sure you don't eat too many or you'll have to spend even more time in the gym than you already do," Kage smiled. "Besides, I'm not entirely sure. It's just a suspicion...with a lot of evidence."

"Well, damn. Get some, girl," he grinned. "My well-tuned recon skills" – Kage snorted – "say she could easily have anyone on their hands and knees."

"Ew. Mental image," Kage replied only half-jokingly.

Rafe slapped a hand on her shoulder with a broad grin. "Cheer up, girl. Drinks are on their way after our afternoon mission brief. And a few days after that, you get to kill people again."

"Thank fuck," she groaned, pleased that she could satisfy her urges again soon.

"Chow after we shower?" Rafe asked as he gathered up his gear.

Kage nodded, her stomach growling in response. "Yeah, sure."

"Can you drop me off downtown? I had some errands to run and then they are finally giving the beast a longer leash and letting Kage go to McCabe's tonight," Kashoku spoke in jest as she buckled her seat-belt.

Ellis gave a grunt. "That should be interesting. Yeah, no problem. Do I need to come get you tonight?"

Kashoku shook her head. "No, I don't want to wake up Jessie and Cody so late. Michelle said I could stay with her and Robbie anytime, so I'll probably just go home with them."

Ellis shrugged as he put the car in reverse. "Ok, but know you can call if you need to. It's not a problem. They sleep through anything."

Kashoku nodded in thanks, but she really had no intentions of attending McCabe's. At least, probably not. She still didn't feel like being around anyone she knew, and everyone from the SGC went to McCabe's. Her errands turned out to be mindless window shopping and a pedicure she had hoped would relax her somewhat, but she felt no better as she walked out of the salon. The sun was just beginning to set as she passed by a small pub. There weren't many people yet, and her stomach growled at the sight of food in front of a customer.

Changing course, she opened the door and made towards a seat at the barely populated bar. The bartender was prompt, which got him a smile, but also savvy enough to not try chatting with her once he'd gotten her drink and handed her a menu, which she appreciated more than anything. Desiring more of that, she skimmed the menu and quickly picked out a burger, handing the menu back and busying herself with her drink as the bartender entered it in and settled nearby to watch the television over the bar. She hardly noticed the man that sat a few stools down until he spoke to her.

"Come here often?"

Kashoku looked up and was shocked to see none other than Colonel O'Neill. He was dressed casually, a cap on his head and a beer in his hands, and his eyes stayed focused on the sporting event the bartender was watching. She gave a small smile and looked down. "No."

"Yeah," he took a swig of his beer, "me either."

The bartender gave a snort and Kashoku smiled then. Clearly, he must have been a regular. "Does it bother you that I'm here?"

"Why would it?" he asked, glancing over at her.

She gave a shrug, thinking about the months passed. "We haven't exactly had the best relationship since meeting."

He fingered the rim of the bottle thoughtfully before countering her response. "True, but I think the same thing brought us both here tonight."

Kashoku could feel the grief wash over her again for Daniel. Gripping her glass tightly she took a large swig of the alcoholic substance. "I'm so sorry. It's my fault he's gone."

"It's not," O'Neill said firmly. "I don't know why you think that."

"I couldn't save him," she responded, trying hard not to let the tears form up again. Over the past few days she had gotten so much better about pushing Daniel to the back of her brain, but it was still so painful to talk about. It must've been hard to hear too, she thought, distantly noting as the bartender quietly crossed to the far side of the bar, a kind illusion of privacy.

O'Neill frowned before setting his beer down and sitting up straight, looking straight at her. "So nobody told you?"

Kashoku's head snapped towards him, eyes staring him down accusingly. "Told me what?"

O'Neill shifted, clearly wondering if he should have even brought it up. With a deep sigh and a rub of his forehead he began speaking softly, aware of wandering ears. "Jacob came with a Tok'ra healing device. It was working."

Kashoku could feel a tight knot forming in her throat, her hands clenching at the edge of the bar top. Cautiously she prodded, "But?"

"He wanted to go," O'Neill answered sadly, picking up his beer again.

He wanted to go, her brain echoed. The words felt so hollow and try as she might she just couldn't understand. "Why?!" she asked, a sob choking out of her on the tail end, try as she did to hold it in.

O'Neill heaved a sigh. "I've never pretended to understand anything Daniel does, but all I know is that it's what he wanted. You shouldn't live with the guilt of his death."

Kashoku put a hand to her mouth, trying hard to take in what O'Neill had just told her. Her head was spinning, trying to understand why Daniel would have given up when there had been a means to save him. Squeezing her eyes shut to keep in the tears she motioned towards the bartender. "I need a shot, please."

"Make that two, on me," O'Neill added. The bartender nodded and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses, placing one in front of each of them. They both downed their portions and continued on their respective drinks. "For what it's worth... Even though I thought the two of you together caused some issues, I'm sorry."

Kashoku gave a sad laugh as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "What, nobody told you? We broke up a few weeks before he died."

O'Neill paused, not really knowing how to respond to the given information. "I sort of suspected things weren't going well between you two. He didn't talk about it, but having been through a divorce I kind of pick up on those things."

"I didn't know you were married." Kashoku was surprised that O'Neill had even decided to open up about his personal life around her.

"Yeah, well, my marriage wasn't the only thing I lost," he said softly as he finished his beer and motioned for another. "Sorry things didn't work out. Were you two at least ok?"

Kashoku nodded, the bartender replacing her empty glass with a new one as well. "It was mutual. I guess…"

"You guess?" he prodded, his cheeks tingling red with the buzz they both were getting.

"I don't think I really wanted to let it go, even though I knew it wasn't working out," she admitted, thinking back to the final days of her relationship with Daniel. "I tried desperately to hold on to what remained, but all that was left were threads." She took another large gulp of her drink. "I mean, I came all this way to be with him and it ended like this. I gave up everything."

O'Neill rubbed at his face, trying to get some feeling back into his cheeks. "Do you regret it at all?"

"I try not to regret things," she answered. "At that moment, when I made the decision, it's exactly what I wanted at the time. I shouldn't regret that."

"Are you going to go back home now that it's over?" It was an honest question, with no hope of an answer that swayed one way or the other.

Kashoku licked her lips, thinking about the question for a moment before answering. "I miss it. I miss the familiarity of it, but I like it here. I learn something new every day, and I love my team. I don't think I could go." Swirling the pink liquid around in her glass she changed the course of the subject. "Have you found a replacement for your team?"

O'Neill gave a frustrated huff. "Scientists. Useless. All of them. I've been going through the case files, and I just can't see any of them on the team."

Kashoku hummed thoughtfully, "They can't all be useless. Daniel wasn't."

A noncommittal hum was his response. "You know…Jonas got wind of you and Daniel being together. He keeps trying to get the courage to tell you he's sorry." Conspiratorially, he revealed, "He feels like it's his fault too."

"Ah. That explains why I keep seeing him all the time. We should start a club," she laughed. "We'd make quite the group."

O'Neill snorted. "Yeah," he said as he sat up and emptied his bottle, "I think I should call it quits. Carter is coming to be responsible and take me home. You need a ride?"

Kashoku shook her head. "No. Kage is having her first night out down the street. I can catch a ride with someone there. Besides, I have food coming." The bartender at some point had slipped into the back and by now she knew that meant her burger would be out soon.

"Geez, I better hurry and get out of here before the cops start showing up everywhere. I don't think it's a good idea to let her out in public," he said as he pulled out his wallet and left a generous amount of money on the bar top.

Kashoku giggled. "You're not the only one, but since even Colonel Connors has to still be present, I imagine things won't get that far."

"Don't let him fool you. He's wild. Crazy. He'll be naked downing shots before you know it," he joked, almost managing a straight face.

"I hope not!" Kashoku laughed before standing to see him off. "Thanks…for listening."

"Yeah, well, you weren't the only one who needed an ear, I guess," he said.

Kashoku smiled softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Have a good night, Colonel. I'll see you around."

It was odd. The mission they had been briefed for was definitely not a combat mission, and Kage had sat through the whole thing wondering why she was being included at all. Sure, they'd have to be extremely sneaky for mission success, but if all went well there'd be no enemy contact. …Of course, things never seemed to go quite to plan, so maybe that's why she was going to be brought along.

"Maybe he's finally starting to trust you a bit more," Ramirez offered up as she changed out of her uniform in the locker room, Kage having just shrugged out of her jacket to leave her tank top and military pants.

Kage raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Yeah. I don't think that's it."

"Well, you haven't killed anyone here yet or gotten in any fights lately, so he has to have let out some sigh of relief," she joked as she shoved her feet into her boots.

"More like he's waiting for the storm," Kage snorted.

"Nah, chica, we save that shit for the Jaffa now," Ramirez grinned viciously where she was bending over her boots, her dark mane free from her typical bun and hanging around her face. Kage had been turning to grin back at her, but paused, eyes trailing down the long tresses she'd never seen free before. Ramirez kept talking as though she hadn't noticed anything. "Now, let's go see what I have that will fit you. You better not puke on my clothes."

Kage threw back her head and laughed. "HA! Me? Not able to handle my booze? You're joking, right? I'm not Kashoku."

The corner of Ramirez's mouth curled up smugly as she darted another glance up through her hair. "No? That's a shame. She does get flirty when she's drunk." She finished lacing up her boots over her jeans and grabbed her jacket. "Alright, let's go get ready for the best night you've ever had on Earth."

"Well, that certainly wouldn't take much," Kage murmured as she followed behind out of the locker room. Ramirez drove them to her apartment, throwing her keys on the table as they entered through the door. It was small, but homey, rich rugs offsetting the crappy floor and colorful pillows and throws thrown about the worn looking couch and matching thick chair. Ramirez had shown Kage a little about her heritage sometimes during their spare time, and the décor looked familiar.

Before Kage could follow her far inside, Ramirez was calling out loudly. "Antonio!"

"¿Qué?" A voice rang out from one of the other rooms.

"¡Venir aqui!" Ramirez hollered back.

A man came out of the side room who looked a lot like Ramirez, only with about a foot on her and a buzz cut. It was hard to tell if he was older or younger given his height, but his face still held some youth that Ramirez didn't have. He gave Ramirez a sour look. "¿Qué chingados quieres?" he asked again.

"Don't fucking give me that attitude," Ramirez growled. "Antonio, this is my co-worker Kage. Kage, this is my baby bro, Antonio."

Antonio didn't look impressed, but obligingly jerked his chin up in greeting. "Sup?"

Kage didn't bother answering, equally unimpressed.

"We're going out tonight. You have plans?"

"Duh," Antonio responded as if he were insulted she had even asked the question.

"Chingado," Ramirez hissed as she jabbed her brother in the chest. "What crawled up your ass today, huh? It better crawl itself right back out or I'll cut up your fake ID and then you'll be going nowhere."

"Ok, ok, sorry," he winced as he rubbed at the spot his sister had hit him. "Yes, I'm going out."

"Don't get arrested," she said simply before turning back to Kage. "Come on, let's go find you some shit." She led Kage towards the room across from Antonio's and opened up a closet. "Take whatever fits. You have a bigger foot than me, but lucky for you military boots are in style these days."

Kage gingerly began looking through the clothes, not having the slightest idea what to pick. "Uh. Shit, I don't know. Something black?"

Ramirez gave an amused huff. "Damn, chica, why don't you just dye your hair black, too?"

Kage's eyes lit up. "When can we do that?"

"Well, I somehow don't think I can get the guys to go for that one, so it might have to wait until you get a little more freedom and you and I can have a girls' date," she said, reaching past Kage to grab a dark grey shirt, worn with age, and a black jacket. "What about this? It's worn thin enough it shouldn't get all stretched out over those tits of yours."

Kage shrugged, not overly bothered if it did end up being tight across the chest. Spiran fashion was all about showing off the torso, male or female, so she was still adjusting to Earth's weird hang-ups about hinting too much at the body underneath. "It looks fine. Is it appropriate for where we're going?"

Ramirez laughed. "Chica, I don't go anywhere where I can't wear ripped jeans and a t-shirt." She threw the clothes at Kage. "Let's go, get dressed. Quicker we get out of here, the quicker we can get drunk. I think I've got some pants that might fit you."

Kage began switching out her own clothes for the ones Ramirez had thrown at her, wondering what she'd look like with dark hair. Once they finally found a pair of jeans that fit Kage's thinner hips, the material clinging skin-tight to her muscled thighs, it didn't take long for either of them to get ready. Neither one really cared about make-up nor doing much with their hair, though Ramirez insisted Kage drop the ponytail. Apparently, letting their hair down was a saying for going out and getting wild for a reason. Kage relented for the thirty seconds it took to twist it into a long braid over her shoulder, a smartass act that got her a quick punch in the arm.

Antonio was already gone by time they walked out and headed back for the car. "The shit-head's nineteen, so he's technically not supposed to be out drinking at all, but I'm not dumb enough to think he wouldn't find a way if I took his ID away," Ramirez said on the drive. "I told Mamá I'd look out for him, but Tony's not as much an idiot as he acts. He gets in trouble, he knows he can call me and not get a lecture until the hangover's worn off. Well, unless he vomits in my car." The grimace on her face told Kage quite plenty there. "And don't you vomit either, or I swear I'll throw up on you and make you clean it all up."

McCabe's wasn't very far from the apartment, and the excitement crept in quickly as they entered, the tavern full of people. The bar scene was the most familiar thing Kage had felt her entire time on Earth, and she couldn't wait to feel the splash of alcohol down her throat.

"Look who finally decided to show!" Bentley raised his glass as he jumped up to wrap his free arm around Ramirez.

"Get your fucking hand off of me." Ramirez slapped his arm away and glowered.

Bentley puckered his lips in a pout. "Aw, Margarita, don't be like that."

"Aw, hell, look what the cat dragged in!" Carr grinned as he approached the group from the bar with a huge grin, grasping Bentley's hand and bringing him in for a hug.

"Well, we have to welcome our newest teammate into the wondrous world of drinky-drank!" Bentley wiggled his eyebrows in Kage's direction.

Kage responded with a roll of her eyes. "We have alcohol on Spira, you know. It's not exactly a foreign concept."

"Maybe not, but drinking with the most awesome people in the universe certainly is!" he said proudly, puffing out his chest.

"You sure do enjoy giving yourself far more credit than you deserve," Connors's voice rumbled as he joined them, beer already in hand. Even off-duty in normal clothes he still looked menacing, and Kage instinctually straightened her posture.

Rafe smirked as he, too, approached the group. "Well, sir, he has to be good at something."

"That's right!" Bentley raised his glass in cheer. "All my talent is saved for the bedroom. Ladies, you know what I mean!" He waggled his eyebrows at a nearby table of women and, though most rolled their eyes, one woman at least winked back.

"Oh god," Ramirez groaned as Rafe laughed into his beer. "I'm too sober to see this."

"Relax, Ramirez," Connors drawled as they all settled in at Bentley's table. "There's a pitcher coming."

Kage stood on her toes and tried to look around the crowded bar for Kashoku. She assumed since Carr was here that she wouldn't be far behind. "Is Kashy here?" she asked.

Carr shook his head and gave a shrug. "If she isn't I haven't seen her. When she comes it's usually with Wells and he said he had some shit to do or something tonight."

With Wells. Was that where she was? Kage tried not to let the scowl show on her face, but the thought somewhat irritated her that she might have been ditched for dick. "I need alcohol."

"Well, my dear, you've come to the right place," Bentley wrapped an arm around Kage's shoulders, despite the imminent threat of being socked in the face. "What's your poison?"

"Something strong," she stated plainly as she let herself be led through the hordes of people towards the bar.

"We-e-ll, you could," Bentley shrugged, "but I say we make the night last and start off small. You can never go wrong with beer. Hey, baby! Come give Daddy some sugar!" he whistled in Michelle's direction, earning him a middle finger.

"You have the absolute worst pick-up lines I've ever seen from someone," Kage scowled.

Bentley grinned. "Whatever. That's Carr's wife, she's used to it." Despite his comments, a cold beer was slammed in front of him without a word. "Thanks, babe!"

He handed it to Kage who took one sip and cringed. "This tastes like piss!"

"Exactly!" He grinned with a pleased slap to her back. "You're drinking to get drunk tonight, not to enjoy it. Now come on, let's go teach you how to be kick-ass at pool."

Kage almost felt completely at home again in the bar. It was comfortable and easy, drinking terrible alcohol and scaring off strangers who tried to hit on her. She even picked up quickly on how to play pool, and she and Ramirez were destroying Bentley and Rafe easily.

"Damn, girl, you sure you don't have this game back on Spira?" Rafe asked as he watched Kage sink another ball.

"Nope," Kage smirked as she analyzed the table for her next shot.

"She's always been a natural at these sorts of things."

Kage's head shot up to see Kashoku smiling at her from a few feet away. Her eyes lit up. "Kashy! I thought you weren't going to come."

Kashoku shrugged. "I was in the neighborhood."

"There she is!" Carr spotted her and brought her into a hug. "Where's Brandon?"

"I didn't come with him," Kashoku answered apologetically.

Carr lifted an eyebrow. "That's a first. Well, come on, then, let's get you something to drink."

Kashoku bit at her lower lip, knowing she probably shouldn't have anymore, but she only nodded and followed her teammate to the bar.

"Would you hurry up and take your shot already? Our only hope at this point is if you knock the eight-ball in by accident," Rafe commented, trying to snap Kage out of her gaze towards Kashoku.

Kage gave a snort as she rubbed some more chalk on the end of her stick and lined it up with the cue ball, "Please. That's not going to happen." With her tongue sticking out in concentration she hit the ball and sunk the last solid before the eight. Kage shot Rafe a pleased look. "I think you owe us drinks when we beat you. Again."

"I know an expensive tequila that's calling my name," Ramirez agreed as she leaned up against her stick and watched as Kage decided which pocket she wanted to sink the eight.

Rafe could do nothing but succumb to another defeat and another burning hole in his pocket as he racked his stick and headed to the bar to order tequila shots for the two women. He might have even thrown in another two for himself and Bentley, because the sting of defeat was burning. "Man, we made a mistake teaching our girl the game," he told his partner, turning to watch the last shot while they waited for Michelle.

"Did we?" Bentley asked with a leer, watching as Kage leaned over to take her final shot, borrowed jeans fitting tight along her backside, "Did we really?"

"Yeah, nah, man, I'm drinking your shot too. You're too close to death already."

"What, no!"

Bentley managed to snatch up two of the shots as soon as Michelle put them down and danced away, Rafe on his heels with the other two after thanking her. Kashoku returned with them and the shots were taken.

Kage didn't fail to notice the forlorn look on her friend's face, despite the many people vying for her attention. "What's wrong now?"

Kashoku clenched her drink and looked absently at the balls Bentley was gathering up from the pockets to rack back into the triangle. "Did you know that Daniel wanted to die?"

Oh, geez, not this again. Kage gave a heavy sigh and propped her elbows up on the table behind her. "What the hell are you talking about? Who told you that?"

"Do you think it was because of me?" she asked.

Kage squinted at her friend through the dark lighting, taking the time now to really look at her: cheeks bright red and eyes watering. She reached for the drink in her hand and snatched it away, placing it out of Kashoku's reach. "Holy shit, how much have you had?!"

"Answer the question!" Kashoku whined, not really concerned that Kage had taken her drink from her.

Kage let a growl rumble in her throat, the fun she had been having quickly dissipating. "You know what I think? I think you need to go at least 24 fucking hours without bringing up Daniel just once!"

"Aw shit, she crying over Jackson again?" Bentley asked, stumbling over to their position with another round of shots in hand. He set them down on the bar top and handed one to Kashoku. "Here, take this! The more you drink, the more you forget!"

Kage attempted to take the shot out of Kashoku's hand, but she had already down the liquor and set the glass down, coughing at the potency. Kage glowered at her teammate. "I really don't think giving her more alcohol is the best idea."

"You want her to shut up don't you?" Bentley asked.

"Yes, but-"

"Well, then, more drinky-drank!" Bentley said simply as he retrieved the drink Kage had hidden and gave it back to Kashoku. "The teary-eyes only lasts through that middle-ground, you know what I'm saying?"

"If it weren't for the fact I know you know better, I'd take you for a rapist who got girls drunk and took them home," Ramirez said with a roll of her eyes and a disapproving cross of her arms.

"Aw, shit, Margarita, it isn't any fun when they just lie there, Christ!" Bentley responded. "I ain't into all that shit!"

"Well you wouldn't know, giving her all that alcohol when she probably doesn't need it," Ramirez answered back with an irritated wave of her hand.

"Ah, she looks alright. Look, she's already forgotten about Jackson." Rafe tipped the top of his bottle in her direction where she was now flirting with a man at the bar.

The man was handsome and young, and he definitely seemed interested in Kashoku who had turned an even brighter shade of red between the alcohol and the flirting. "Good." Kage let out a sigh of relief. "She should go get laid and forget about Jackson because I swear if I have to listen to her cry over him one more time I might kill someone at the SGC."

Connors, who hadn't said much during their time at McCabe's eyed her with a suspicious glance. "I find it hard to believe that even you, for all your insensitivity, aren't more sympathetic towards a person you regard as your best friend after she lost someone close."

"It's really not all that hard to believe," Kage countered, tired of the conversation and picking up the cue ball to set it in place to break for a new game. "I'm kind of a bitch, or has that been forgotten somewhere along the line?"

"Aw fuck," Carr muttered as he quickly set down his beer and took off. "Someone hold her back!"

"What do you mean someone hold me-" But Kage saw it. The man Kashoku had been flirting with was suddenly grabbing onto her, despite her protests. The buzz she had gotten dissipated rapidly and was replaced with a fuming rage, but Rafe had a tight grip on her arm before she could so much as take a step.

"He's got this," Rafe promised her as they watched Carr approach the man. There were heated words exchanged, but Carr easily managed to pull Kashoku away and back towards the group.

"I-I-," Kashoku turned pale as she doubled over, clinging to Carr.

"Ok, time to go," Carr sighed, wrapping his arms around her to help straighten her back up. "Tell Michelle where I went, ok?"

Ramirez nodded. "Yeah, I got it, get her out of here." She watched as the two slowly made their way out of the bar and then turned to Kage. "You aren't worried at all?"

"What, because Kashoku can't handle her alcohol? That's nothing I don't already know. She's with Carr, she'll be fine," Kage shrugged; just honestly glad to not have a sobbing mess around her anymore. "Come on, it's time for me to kick your ass again, Bentley."

"Aww, fuck, can't we just team up?"

Kashoku's entire world was spinning. Even when she had been taken out on their first trip to McCabe's she didn't feel half this bad. Her head was throbbing and with every motion of the vehicle she felt her stomach about to empty itself. She had no idea how long they had been in the vehicle before she almost fell out of the car when the door opened, and a pair of hands grabbed her and pulled her out onto her feet.

"Come on, Kashy," Carr's soothing voice came from her side. At least, she was pretty sure it was Carr. Wasn't it?

He led her up a few sets of stairs before coming to a stop and fumbling around his jeans for something. Colors were all blurred together, and Kashoku couldn't make any sense of where she was until a door opened and she heard a voice she could never mistake.

"Are you fucking kidding me!?" Ellis barked in a hushed tone. "Were you not paying attention to how much she was drinking?"

No, not here. Anywhere but here! She didn't want him to see her like this!

"I had no idea! Bentley kept feeding her shots behind our back, and I'm pretty sure there were other guys at the bar buying her shit where Michelle and I couldn't keep track," Carr spoke in his defense as he lifted Kashoku back up and through the door.

Kashoku could feel herself being handed off to Ellis and that's when her stomach gave its final protest. She was going to hurl. Ellis must have realized it, because she was suddenly being whisked away and somehow the contents that came up ended up in the toilet. She gasped in between heaves, letting herself completely sink to the bathroom floor, hands gripping onto the edges of the seat as she shook.

"Matt? What's-Oh my god, is she ok?!"

"Amy, go get me some water and some towels. And something to hold her hair back," Ellis ordered, his voice still hushed as to not wake the kids. "Carr, just get out of here. I've got this."

"Yes, sir," Carr's voice answered solemnly.

Kashoku felt a soothing hand on her back, but it didn't help. She still felt the need to vomit and empty her stomach of the poison she had filled it with, but it didn't seem to want to come. Tears spilled from her eyes as she gripped tighter. Her hair was pulled back away from her face and she then found herself choking on what she was sure were someone's fingers before the bile rose and she was doubled over once more.

"Do we need to take her to the hospital?" Amy's concerned voice came.

"It's bad, but I don't think she's that far gone. I'm helping coax it out," Ellis responded.

Their voices became indistinguishable mumbles as she shook and cried, begging for the feeling to go away, but it just kept coming for what seemed like forever. And then the darkness came.

"How many people is it going to take to tell you it's not your fault before you actually believe it?" Daniel took a seat next to her at the edge of the lake, the water crystal clear and reflecting the blue and green hues of the forest.

Kashoku didn't answer him, only tugged her bare feet closer to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Why did you want to die?"

Daniel sucked in a breath and let his own bare feet touch the water as he leaned back on his hands. "I think there's a life after death where I can help people more than I could alive."

Kashoku turned to look at him. He was dressed in a white sweater and pants and his glasses were absent. "How?"

Daniel looked at her and smiled with an unknowing shake of his head. "I'm not sure yet."

Kashoku didn't like his answer and looked away again. They sat there in silence for a long time before she spoke again. "I really miss you." A tear drop rippled against the water. "I wish I had never agreed to let you go."

Daniel sighed, sitting up straight. "It wouldn't have changed anything. I'd still be gone. I don't regret a single second we shared, and I wouldn't have changed anything. Just having been able to know you is one of the greatest things I've had in my life." He reached over and pried one of Kashoku's hands loose so that he could hold it. "But you've got to let your guilt go. You have to let me go."

"It's so hard," Kashoku sobbed, squeezing his hand tight.

"It was hard when I lost Sha're too, but I had my family back at the SGC who helped me through it. You have a family who will help you too. Let them."

Kashoku took in a deep breath and wiped at her tears with her free hand. "I guess my dreams will just have to do for now."

"I'll pop in if I can," Daniel assured her.

Kashoku let out a gentle laugh. "You say that like a dream has nothing better to do than just 'pop in and out'."

Daniel met her eyes and smiled widely. "Who says I'm a dream?"