Chapter 16

Gertie

"Hey, short man! Where've ya been all day?"

"School. And a baseball game."

"That's an awful long ball game, Arnold. It's almost seven thirty!"

"Well…"

"Oh, I can sense another one of your boyhood problems coming on. Let me guess, you were playing against that big Wolfgang fellow who's always giving ya trouble."

"Yeah."

"Everything was going good until he pushed down a girl you like."

"Yeah."

"But somehow you didn't care!"

"Yeah!"

"And then this guy's about to beat up another girl."

"Yeah!"

"And this one you don't really like cause this one's always bugging ya."

"Yeah."

"It was your little friend with the pink bow and the one eyebrow, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. Helga."

"But before you know what you're doing, you're there beating up the guy, and you don't know why!"

"Yeah! How'd you know, Grandpa?"

"Cause the same thing happened to me when I was your age!"

"It did? What happened?"

"You know that girl I told you about?"

"What girl?"

"Gertie!"

"Gertie?"

"You know! The girl that was always picking on me and calling me names, just like that Helga does!"

"Oh, yeah. Her. So?"

"So, the same thing happened to me and her! Except that we were playing marbles, and I had to beat up a third grader."

"A third grader?"

"Big, powerful third grader!"

"Sure. Was Gertie the one you liked?"

"Gertie? Well, of course not! I would have nothing to do with her! I liked a girl by the name of Hedy Lamarr."

"But you didn't care that she got beat up?"

"That's right!"

"And you felt really mad when Gertie was gonna get beat up?"

"Bingo!"

"But why?"

"I'll tell you Arnold…I have no idea!"

"That doesn't really help."

"I never said it would."

"So, what did you do?"

"How should I know? That was seventy something years ago! You're lucky I remembered that much! I must have done something right though, since I ended up marrying her."

"You WHAT?!"

"I never told you that?"

"Um…no."

"Really? That was the point of my story last time!"

"What was?"

"That you and that Helga girl are perfect for each other!"

"Me and HELGA?!"

"Helga and I."

"Whatever."

"I tell ya, Arnold, that girl likes you!"

"Are you crazy? She hates me!"

"I'm telling ya, Arnold, she likes ya! Trust me!"

"How would you know?"

"Cause I'm old, and I've lived through many valuable life experiences, and I know this stuff. And I told you before, sometimes I see her skipping rope in front of our house, like she's waiting for you to come out or something."

"Grandpa, I don't think you get it. We're talking about Helga. I've known her since preschool, and believe me, she is not the type of person who would have a crush on anyone, much less me."

"You know what, Arnold? I'm gonna remind you of this conversation on your wedding day, and then you'll see how ridiculous you sound."

"What, now you think I should marry Helga?"

"Sure! Why not?"

"The last time I checked, you were supposed to love someone before you married them. And Helga hates me!"

"That's exactly what I thought of Gertie before she confessed."

"Confessed?"

"Oh, boy, Arnold, you poor lad. You've got the whole experience ahead of you."

"What experience?"

"The confession."

"The confession? What's that?"

"Ah, the confession. It's a nightmare and a wonderful dream shoved together. It's both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. And it's really confusing. Does that help?"

"Uh…no, not really. Do you think you could just tell me what Gertie did? Did it hurt? It sounds dangerous."

"Dangerous?! Well, actually, I guess it could be. Gertie almost strangled me."

"So…now you're saying that Helga's gonna try to murder me?"

"Yes. I mean, no! Just listen, Arnold, cause I feel a flashback coming on. Okay, you know how I told you that I never finished the fourth grade?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I never finished it because the great depression rolled around, and everyone went broke. I couldn't afford to stay in school. In fact, I had to get a job, just to help my family survive."

"What did you do?"

"I worked in a factory for awhile, and then I worked at Joe's Fish Mart."

"Okay. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, but you asked, so I told you. Anyway, I got some more jobs around the city, but no one really kept me on, since I was only nine. Then the family farm blew out, so we decided that we had no choice but to move to Nebraska and start a new life."

"Nebraska?"

"Sure, why not? Quit interrupting. Anyway, it was the day before we were gonna move, so I was going around saying goodbye to all my friends. It was a really sad day. I didn't want to move, but I figured I had no future here, so I might as well."

"But weren't you going to miss your friends?"

"Well, sure, but they're just friends. Let me tell you something, Arnold. Friends come and go. You lose some, but then you make some new ones. Then you lose those. Friends aren't worth worrying too much about. That is, not unless you meet someone really special."

"Like Jimmy Kafka?"

"Jimmy Kafka?! My good-for-nothing, backstabbing best friend? Of course not! I hate him! We have nothing to do with each other!"

"He came back and visited that one time, didn't he?"

"That was just a fluke. Besides, we argued the whole time, and then he left, and I've never heard from him since. Maybe he died."

"Grandpa…"

"Okay, fine. The point is, NO! Jimmy Kafka wasn't worth anything!"

"But you said-"

"I know what I said, Arnold. I said that friends aren't worth worrying about unless you find someone really special. Really special. You get what I'm saying?"

"No, not really."

"Boy, Arnold, you're dense. Then again, so was I, so I guess I can't hold much against you. Just listen to my story, and see if you can figure it out. Where was I?"

"You were saying goodbye to all your friends."

"Oh, yeah. Anyway, it was almost dusk, and I was walking home again. I wasn't even gonna say goodbye to Gertie since, well…she was mean and all, but just as I was turning the corner, I smashed into her. We always seemed to have an uncanny knack for bumping into each other. Well, since she was there, I went ahead and told her that I was moving. And you know what she did?"

"What?"

"She started to cry. I tell you, I didn't get it. I didn't get it at all. Gertie was the toughest girl in school. She could beat up all us guys with both hands tied behind her back. She was constantly picking on me and constantly reminding me of how much she hated me. And now she was crying!"

"Why?"

"That's what I asked her. So, she made up some really lame excuses, like it was allergies, and she was rehearsing for a play and stuff. But I didn't believe her. I backed her into a wall, and I demanded an answer. And do you know what she said?"

"What?"

"She said she didn't want me to move. So, I asked why. And she made up some more lame excuses, but in the end she said it was because she loved me."

"Really? That's kind of hard to believe."

"That's exactly what I thought. I told her I didn't believe her. That's when things got crazy."

"What happened?"

"Well…you know…she just…um…you know…went crazy and…you know…"

"Did she lose her mind?"

"No…she just…use your imagination."

"Grandpa, just tell me."

"Boy, you really are dense, short man. A girl just said she loved me. And this was the same girl who claimed to hate me. I didn't believe her. So, what do you think she did?"

"Beat you up?"

"No! She…um…tried to make me believe her."

"How?"

"Good grief! Your poor friend Helen-"

"Helga."

"-Helga, must be going insane with how dense you are!"

"Grandpa, I keep telling you, Helga does not like me like me. She doesn't even like me."

"Oh, sure. You go right on believing that, short man. You'll see when your time comes."

Arnold rolled his eyes. "Could you just finish the 'flashback'?"

"Okay, Arnold, but try to stay with me. There are a few things you should know. One, girls are weird."

"Um…okay."

"Two, the more someone says they hate ya, the more they like ya."

"Whatever."

"And third and most importantly, if a girl throws herself at you and starts doing things that you didn't think a nine-year-old was capable of, and you're scared and confused and don't know what to do, the thing is to do nothing! Just let her do what she wants with you, and play along. It'll be over soon enough, and pretty soon wedding bells will be ringing."

"Huh?"

"Sorry, short man, but I'm not giving you any more clues. You'll just have to figure it out on your own."

"Did you move?"

"Did I move? Of course not! Otherwise, I wouldn't be here! I'd be in Nebraska! And you wouldn't even exist!"

"Why not?"

"Cause I never would have seen Gertie again! So, we never would have gotten married and had your dad, so, all in all, you wouldn't exist. Boy, are you lucky that I happened to bump into her!"

"Why did you decide to stay? Did you fall in love with Gertie and refuse to get on the plane?"

"Train."

"Yeah, train."

"Heavens, no! She locked me in a warehouse till the train left."

"Did your family just leave you?"

"No, we just starved for awhile, until my father managed to get a steady job."

"I don't get it! Why on earth did you marry her? I mean, she locked you in a warehouse and caused your family to starve! Why would you marry her?"

"Hey, you try spending two days in the dark with no one for company but a crazy girl who keeps going on and on about how much she adores you! Two days is a long time. It's enough time for a guy to start thinking certain thoughts about certain people that he never dreamed he would have. Anyway, to make a long story short-"

"Too late."

"Gertie won. She got her way. She was right. I couldn't resist her. By the time we were outta that warehouse, I was head over heels in love with her. The rest is history."

"Wow. Does that mean that Grandma is Gertie?"

"Well, duh!"

"But, Grandma doesn't act anything like Helga."

"That's cause she lost her mind. But she's still the same old Gertie!"

"Did you call me, Phil?" Arnold's grandmother asked, stepping into the room.

"Grandma! Is it true?"

"What, that he called me? I don't know, that's why I'm asking."

"No! That your name is Gertie and that you did this 'confession' thing…or something like that."

"WHAT?! Of course not. Phil's old, and he's losing his memory."

"I knew it! He was just making it up, wasn't he?"

"Of course!" she said nervously. "Now do you realize that it's ten o'clock? Go to bed!"

"Okay. Boy, I'm glad it was just a story. Goodnight!"

"Pookie! Whatcha do that for?" Phil asked, when Arnold had left the room.

"No one is to know about that night. Got it?"

"Pookie, that was seventy something years ago! No one cares!"

"Speak for yourself. You are not to ever tell anything vaguely related to that to anyone ever again."

"But now Arnold won't be prepared for what lies ahead of him!"

"Good! He's not supposed to. It takes the fun out of it."

"Oh, great. Now Arnold's gonna be scarred for life, just because you won't let me tell him anything."

"Arnold?"

"Our grandson."

"We have a grandson?"

"Yes."

"Really? I wonder if he knows that young boy that was just here!"

"Gertie, you're a mystery. I love you, but you're a mystery."