Chapter 37
On My Own
On my own,
pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
and when I lose my way I close my eyes, and he has found me.
In the rain,
the pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
the trees are full of starlight,
and all I see is him and me forever and forever.
And I know,
it's only in my mind.
That I'm talking to myself
and not to him.
And although
I know that he is blind,
still I say
there's a way for us.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
all my life, I've only been pretending.
Without me, his world would go on turning.
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!
I love him.
I love him.
I love him, but only
on my own.
I love him, but everyday I'm finding
not much longer can I keep in hiding.
If I do, his world will go on turning.
I've got to make my move soon, or I'll be left all alone!
So, my love, at last, at last, I'll tell you.
I'll confess undying love that's so true
that you'll see that I'm the only one,
and when you do, it's me and you, forever and forever.
I love you.
I love you.
I'll love you, forever
and ever.
"Oh, sure, I'll confess," she thought sarcastically. "I'm sure he'll take it really well. Especially considering the fact that he hates me."
She put her book back in her pocket and stared out at the setting sun.
"Stupid sunset," she thought. "How dare it make everything so beautiful when I'm in such a depressed spirit. Who was I kidding? Arnold has never liked me, and he never will. He'll never think of me as any more than 'that girl who bugs him'. He said so himself. He'd rather be stuck here with anyone but me. Oh, what a cursed, wretched existence I live. He'll never love me."
"But he loves Cecile," said a little voice in the back of her head. "And he loves his secret admirer."
"Stupid Cecile. So what if he loves Cecile? Cecile was nice and sweet and not at all like me at all. He's in love with a disguise, not me. He'd never love me just for who I am. He'd drop Cecile faster than lightning if he knew she was me. He hates me. He absolutely hates me."
She started to cry, very softly.
"Oh, criminy, what's my problem? Do I really want Arnold to hear me?" she thought.
She turned around to look. He was lying down, facing away from her. He appeared to be asleep.
She lay down next to him, facing the other way so that he wouldn't see her cry.
"Oh, Arnold, why would you love me?" she wondered. "You're right, I am always mean. But I can't help it! I have to be mean! It's the only way I can cover up my true feelings. Can't you see that, Arnold? I may act tough, but it's all for the sake of love! I have to act the way I do. I have to pretend to hate you. My whole life has to be a secret. Whenever I ever do anything with you, I always have to have a disguise or a reasonable excuse. I mean, I've kissed you twice, and both times were in a stupid script! I just weaseled my into playing Juliet in the school play, and on Babewatch…well ok, maybe that wasn't necessarily in the script, but you don't have to know that."