-- Kayli --

"You want us to go WHERE?" Harry's voice almost cracks on the last word. Ron and Hermione are both gaping at Dumbledore with their jaws hanging open, like he asked them to go skinny-dipping in an Amish farmer's pond, instead of hopping over to the States over their holidays.

"It's just America, you guys," I say, "not fucking Antarctica."

Dumbledore beams at me. "Ah, I knew she would not object," he says cheerfully. "Kayli will be your guide, of course."

I start to object, then just sigh and roll my eyes. What's the point? Besides, I'm probably the only person who can go to the States without sticking out like a sore thumb. Harry and Hermione could probably pass as tourists. But Ron? Not a chance in hell, baby. He'd be so busy goggling at the first Goth he saw that he wouldn't be able to watch where he was going.

And I'm going to have to take Legolas. And if I take Legolas, that means I'm going to have to take Gimli. And Thranduil. Which means I might as well pack the twins in a suitcase.

So all I have to do is try and pass off four Elves as tourists.

This is going to suck.

"Thanks, Dumbledore," I say sarcastically. "I appreciate it."

"You don't HAVE to take Legolas with us, do you?" Harry asks nervously.

See? I'm not the only person it's occured to.

I just give him a look. "What do you think, kiddo?"

Harry sighs. "Figures."

"How are we going to explain an Elf?"

"Elves," Ron says. 'If we take Legolas, we're probably gonna have to take his father, too. And it seems like we'd have to take the short guy, too."

"Dwarf," I tell him. "Gimli's a Dwarf. He's SUPPOSED to be short. And yeah, we're gonna have to take him, too. He's Legolas's best friend."

"But the twins can remain, of course," Dumbledore says.

Harry and Ron exchange horrified glances.

"Uh, Professor," I say slowly, "do you really wanna have the Weasley twins AND the sons of Elrond in the same place without a great deal of supervision? Preferably the kind that's armed?"

"Oh, dear," he says, "I hadn't thought about that."

"We'll take the jackasses with us."

"Which set?" Ron asks morosely.

"Elladan and Elrohir," I reply. "You can keep your brothers here. Or London. Or Hogsmeade. Or the moon, for all I care, but they're not coming with us."

Harry grinned. "Nervous at having both sets of twins, eh?"

"Nervous ain't the word for it." I rake a hand back through my hair. "I don't suppose anyone knows where my wayward husband and his Kingly father got to, huh?"

Dumbledore points out his office window. "I believe they're down by the lake, entertaining a group of female students with their archery."

"And a few female teachers," Hermione adds. But she's grinning. I think the effect that Thranduil had on MacGonagall amused her. Valar know it amused me.

"One more thing before you inform your companions of your newest quest," he says. "You are going to have to use Muggle transoportation. The magical culture in America is a great deal closer to the Muggle one. They live side by side, but they're still quite discreet."

"Hiding in broad daylight," I say. "Nifty."

"And I'm afraid you're going to have to fly," he finishes.

I knew there was a catch. There's ALWAYS a catch.

"This is gonna suck," I mutter, and go to find my husband.

-- Gimli --

Elves. They have the oddest attachment to their bows. Ain't healthy, ye ask me.

'Course, I've heard the Elf comment on Dwarven attachment to our axes. And that's totally different.

And I can't say I appreciate this crowd. The Elf and I have some catching up to do, and damned if I'll do it with an audience. Bad enough I have to tell him I missed his poncy Elvish ass, I'm not humiliating myself in front of a bunch of little girls.

Kayli wanders up and plops down next to me, sending the group of girls ogling her Elf a look of death. "If he were any prettier, I'd have to start killing people," she mutters.

I hold out my axe. She looks at me and laughs. "Thanks, Gimli," she says. "I needed that."

I pull out my pipe. The smell alone will drive his Majesty batty, even out here. So I've been smoking steady since we set out from Minas Tirith. Packed extra pipeweed, in fact, on special loan from the Hobbits. "Somethin' troublin' ye, lass?"

She makes a face. "We have to take a little trip," she says. "Like a...little mini-Quest, or something. Dumbledore wants me to take Harry, Hermione and Ron over to the States. It's another country," she explains, before I can ask. "And they're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. I can blend in, I'm originally from there, but..." She sighs and shrugs. "Actually, I don't know if I can blend in or not. I'm not from there anymore. I'm so Gondorrian it's kinda scary."

I pat her arm. "And o' course, if ye're goin', the Elf needs to be goin'."

She manages a smile, even though it looks more like a grimace. "Yeah. If I go, Legolas goes. If Legolas goes, you go. If Legolas goes, Thranduil goes. And there's no way in hell I'm leaving Elladan and Elrohir here without some kind of supervision. If I could leave Thranduil, he could probably keep them out of serious trouble. He doesn't scare them -- I don't think anything scrares them anymore -- but they do respect him. But Thranduil isn't going to let Legolas out of his sight too soon. And the Valar only know what kind of damage those to could do with Ron's brothers here to compete with."

I try to remember who she's talkin' about. We've met a lot of folks since we landed here, and it's too many names for me to remember. Ah, Ron, he's the speckled redheaded one. And then there's his two brothers, the twins. I think of the twins that came from our world, and make a face. Oh, aye, leavin' those two here would be a bad mistake.

We'd get back and the whole bloody castle would be purple. Mark my words.

"And that's not even the clincher," she says, sounding a bit morbid. "We have to FLY."

I can almost feel my face pale. I'm a Dwarf, a creature of the stones, not a bloody bird. "The Elf's not worth THAT much trouble," I mutter.

Kayli nods. She feels the same way about heights as I do. Actually, she's even more afraid of them. She can barely stands those bloody treestands the Elves in Lorien live in. And this time, there's not fair Lady Galadriel to greet us. Although I'd fly across oceans for her, I doubt there'll be anyone so fair to greet us.

She turns her face up to the sky. "It's going to snow before dark," she says. "Christmas is almost here."

"What's this Christmas everyone's so excited about?" I ask. "Time o' gift givin'?"

She nods. "It's kind of like the Elven Yule. You give those you care about gifts, and they give you gifts, and holy HELL, I have to go shopping. Fuck."

I just sit there and blink at her for a minute. "Shopping? By the stones, what for?"

She makes a hopeless gesture in the general direction of the castle. "I'm with those kids every day," she mutters. "I can't NOT get them something for CHRISTMAS."

Y'know, knowin' the lass like I do, it's easy to sometimes forget that, for all of her skills in battle, she's still a girl, and a young one at that. For some reason, such things are important to the females of any species. Yet another reason I've never found me a wife.

I look up as one of the girls who's been watching the Elves finally gets up the stones to come and speak to Kayli. "Um," the lass says nervously, and if she's seen fifteen winters, I'm an Orc. "Are you, like, with the blond guy?"

Kayli bares her teeth. "Which blond guy?" she asks.

I snort in to my pipe. Like she doesn't know."

The girl gestures at Legolas. "The one who isn't so scary," the girl says.

Now I nearly choke on my pipesmoke. Girl needs new eyes. Granted, Thranduil is the more intimidating of the two, but Legolas is fearsome as well. Obviously the lass has never seen him slay an Orc.

"You mean my husband?" Kayli asks, just as mild as can be. If you don't know her, that is. If this lass knew half of what Kayli is capable of, she'd run screamin' for the castle. "Why, yes, I am with him."

One of the young one's friends peeks out from behind her. "What about the other one?" she asks.

Kayli sighs. "They are NOT that 'blond guy' and 'the other one'," she says shortly. "Their names are Legolas, who is my husband, and Thranduil, who is his father. They're ELVES, nimwit, not fuel for your prepubescent fantasies. They're warriors who have seen things your tiny little brains aren't even capable of comprehending. And yes, Thranduil is also married. So come back when you have real, respectful questions, not when you're hoping to score some time with a hot guy. Show a little respect for your elders."

"They're not THAT old," the first girl says. "And there's no way the one guy is the other one's father."

I can practically hear Kayli gritting her teeth. Now might be a good time to step in before she draws a blade.

"I would guess that -- what was yer term, there, lassie? -- 'that one guy' has seen the dawn and death of more'n fifty centuries. Now, do ye need me or the lass to tell ye how many years are in a century, or can ye figure that out on yer own? Now, as for 'the other one', he's also seen more centuries than anyone here ever will --"

"Combined," Kayli adds.

" -- and since he's survived all o' those centuries with his life and sanity, not to mention that pretty face ye brainless wonder were so admirin', he deserves to be called by his rightful name. Come back when you have enough respect to learn how to pronounce it."

"Without mangling it," Kayli adds.

"You can't TALK to us like that," the first one says, sounding shocked. "Bitch."

Kayli suddenly grins, baring more teeth than you'd think was possible. "Wrong answer. House?"

The second girl looks absolutely depressed. "We're Ravenclaw."

"Ravenclaw? Really? Aren't Ravenclaws renouned for their intelligence?"

"Couldn't tell it by these two," I say casually, and relax back against the tree to watch the teacher in the lass go to work.

"Fifty points from Ravenclaw, for disrespect to a teacher," she says, "and YES, I am a teacher. And yes, I do demand respect. I may not teach anything you find particularly useful, but I don't find Divination useful, and I still manage to respect Professor Trelawney AND Firenze. Now watch your mouths, before I am forced to take more points from your House, and go away. I'm tired of listening to you."

"I'm sorry," the second girl whispers.

Kayli just looks at the lass. "It's all right," she says. "You didn't get snippy with me. But show a little respect for our visitors, all right? Legolas and Thranduil are those two right there. Elladan and Elrohir are the other two Elves. My companion right here is Gimli, son of Gloin. What you kids don't seem to understand is that where we come from, these are great leades and warriors. They're all at least partly responsible for saving our world, and they deserve a little respect."

"Yes, ma'am," the first girl says softly.

"If you have question about them, you can ask, but only if they're respectful questions that have actual merit. And you'd better tell the rest of those girls that I KNOW that the Weasley twins sell love potions, and the first one who tries to slip a love potion to my husband OR my father in law will face ME, and I'm scarier than you kids give me credit for. Got it?"

The first girl giggles, suddenly. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that one of the Slytherins already tried that. They won't take anything from any of the students."

Kayli grinned. "Thanks for telling me. Which one?"

"Your husband," she says, still grinning. "He asked her what was in it, and she can't lie to save her life. He ended up taking fifty points from Slytherin."

"Good for him," Kayli says comfortably. "Ten points to Ravenclaw for honesty. Now don't ANY of you girls have homework, or something?"

They both nod and scurry back to the castle, whispering and giggling amongst themselves.

I pat her arm. "Ye handled that well, lass," I tell her.

She makes a face. "No, I really didn't," she replies. "But I'm getting really tired of the whispering and giggling in the hallways. It doesn't bother me what they say about me, but when it comes to them, especially Legolas -- " She trails off and shrugs. "They deserve more respect than they're being given here. So do the twins."

"Although not MUCH more," I add.

She smirks at me.

-- Elrohir --

These children are going to drive me insane. They follow us wherever we go. Not just 'Dan and I -- King Thranduil and Legolas, as well. And if I'M on the verge of snapping at them, 'Dan must be ready to explode. Although he's held it in admirably so far. I'm proud of him.

Now if we can just get out of here before we kill someone.

We have managed to escape from their hall of Healing. Their Healer -- or nurse, or whatever they call her -- has more questions than Estel did when he first came to Imladris. And he was a CHILD. She seems to be grateful for all the knowledge we've given her, and for that I'm grateful.

We wander down by the lake, close enough to hear Kayli's dressing down of the two students. I'm actually a bit touched by her speech. We are the sons of a great Lord in our own world, and the grandson of a Lord and Lady who are truly the stuff of legend, but we are nothing in this world. And it touches me to hear Kayli defend us so.

I glance at Elladan, and catch sight of his delighted grin. I guess I'm not the only one.

We walk towards them as they are finishing up their conversation. More than close enough to catch Gimli's snide comment.

Immediately, 'Dan clasps both hands over his heart. "Son of Gloin! You wound me!"

Gimli gives us a disgusted look, but I can see the glimmer of laughter in his eyes. "Spoke nothin' but the truth, and ye both know it," he says, with dignity, and makes us both laugh.

'Tis painfully true, some of the time, at least. There are times we have given our father precious little to be proud of.

'Dan drops down next to Kayli, sprawling on the grass with the sort of casual ease I could never manage in a crowd of this many people, even if nary a one is paying attention to us. I crouch down not far from them, but turned so that I can keep an eye on the group of admirers sorrounding our Mirkwood royals.

"Dumbledore said you had news. He would have told us himself, but he had something of urgency to take care of," 'Dan says, tilting his head at what looks like a painful angle, so he can see Kayli's face.

Kayli shrugs. "He asked me to take the kids across the Atlantic. There's something Harry needs to do over there, and Dumbledore's canny enough to relize that Hermione and Ron aren't gonna be content to sit around and wave goodbye when the time comes."

I can understand that. Nor would we have been. "And this kingdom they plan to go to -- 'tis your homeland?"

She starts to nod, stops, then shrugs. "Once upon a time, I guess. Now Gondor's my home." She stares out over the lake, seeming to look through the crowd of students admiring Legolas's...archery. "I don't know how well I'll fit in, but I think I can remember my way around Americans."

"And where you go, Legolas goes," I say.

"And where Legolas goes, his Ada and our Dwarven friend are not far behind," 'Dan adds.

"And if ye think we're gonna leave you two t' reek havoc on the poor humans, ye've got another thing comin'," Gimli says, waving a finger at us, like an old maid.

The image of Gimli as an old maid makes me smile, and I send the image to Elladan without a second thought. He chokes on his laughter and manages to make it into a polite cough. "We would be overjoyed to accompany you," he says smoothly, although I know nothing would make him happier than turning Fred and George's hair green.

All of the hair on their bodies, that is.

"So what are the people like, in this 'America'?" Dan asks.

Kayli frowns, seeming to think about this. "They're kind of...rude. And self-involved, most of them. But there are some who are...overjoyed to help, even though most of them don't give a damn."

'Dan and I exchange glances. "Aye, they sound very human," 'Dan says drily. "We have encountered several such settlements in our travels."

She sighs. "We're leaving just after Christmas," she says quietly. "But before then, I need to get to Hogsmeade and do some shopping. What do you guys want for Christmas, anyways? What do you get Elves?"

We both stare at her blankly. Then turn to look at each other.

"She sounds a bit like Grandmother," I say softly.

"Maybe it's a female thing?" Dan suggests. "Being concerned with holidays and gifts. You know how Ata'na gets around Yule."

She rolls her eyes. "Forget it."

'Dan sits up and wraps an arm around her shoulders. "'Tis a sweet thought, Kayli, and whatever you get us will be fine. We care little for gifts, but that you thought of us touches us greatly."

I lean over and kiss her cheek. "Aye."

"But that doesn't mean we're helping you pick out Legolas's gift."

She laughs, her eyes lighting back up, her worries temporarily banished.

We may only be comedy in this world, but so be it. Everyone needs to laugh, yes?

TBC...