Chapter Five

My heart is heavy with grief and despair, and yet I cannot properly mourn the loss of Gandalf. All within the fellowship are stricken with grief and are dealing with the loss in the only way they can. We have the quest to think about, however, and I know I must keep my mind focused on that. I will have much time after the journey to mourn the loss of a good friend, but for now I must keep my thoughts on the road ahead. I know Gandalf would not want us to grieve over him while there is still a long journey ahead of us.

We have arrived in Lothlorien and have met with the Lady of the Wood, and now we are all simply trying to rest our wary bodies as well as our souls. We will be here for but a few days, and all within the company could use the rest and the peace that these woods provide. I intend not to take this time for granted, for I am in need of some tranquility as well as solitude.

The hobbits are all huddled together; offering one another comfort and friendship. Those little men never cease to amaze me. They may be but little beings, but their hearts are strong and big. They are there for each other through thick and thin; through grievous times. They appear to have never seen the world outside of the Shire, but their braveness is something to marvel at. I am proud to know such lovely souls, and I would protect them with my life.

Gimli is easing his pain and loss with the wondrous food that Lothlorien has to offer. The dwarf has made quite an impression on me. He may grumble a lot, and he may have thrown an insult or two my way at the beginning of our journey, but he has proven to be a trustworthy companion. His playful sense of humor lightens my heart and our teasing banter fills me with joy for a short while. I never knew I could be so fond of a dwarf, but he has proven otherwise. I don't know what I would do without his presence within the fellowship for he keeps me moving forward in our journey.

Aragorn and Boromir have secluded themselves on the outside of our sleeping quarters and are speaking quietly amongst themselves. I could easily hear their conversation if I wished to, but I have no desire to hear of what they speak. It is obvious that they are comforting one another in the loss of Gandalf and I am pleased to know that Aragorn has someone to share his pain with. The only pain this brings me is that I am not the one he turns to. Not that I ever expected him to turn to me, but it is something I would be delighted for.

He has not spoken to me since we left the caves of Moria, and I have yet to find how I truly feel about that. In some ways I long to have deep and meaningful conversations with him in the expanse of a long period of time, but I know that would inevitably cause me soul crushing pain because I know who he would turn to when all is said and done. His heart will not belong to me no matter how I wish it so; has never belonged to me. He holds my heart in the palms of his hands, but I know that will never be mutual.

Just the mere thought brings me unimaginable anguish and I have to place my hand against my chest when I feel a searing pain from within. The pain is enough to make me want to cry out and my head is becoming increasingly dizzy. Softly my breath is coming out in pants and I look around frantically to see if anyone has noticed.

The sigh of relief that leaves my lips is soft when I realize that no one is paying me any attention. This relief is short lived, however, when the pain within my chest increases. I know I must slip away silently, for I know that at any given moment my condition will be revealed to the fellowship's eyes and that is the last thing I desire.

Keeping my footfalls light, I tread backward trying to look as unsuspicious as I can manage, and flee from my companions once I am sure they will not take notice. I know naught of what direction I am heading, nor do I know of my destination at this time, all I know is I need to find some solitude where no one will suspect that anything is wrong. In my heart I know what is happening inside of me, and the knowledge disheartens me, but I cannot risk having the others finding out as well. I have sworn to fight this battle and to keep the ring bearer safe, and in order to do that I must put my broken heart in the back of my mind. I only hope that my heart is strong enough to get me through the quest, for I would hate to abandon them in their time of dire need.

With a deep and heavy sigh, I lean my weary body against the solid trunk of a tree when I can no longer push my legs another step forward. The pain within my chest is now naught but a dull ache; serving as a reminder of what is to come and nothing more. I am still slightly out of breath, however, and cannot quite seem to get it back just yet, so I lower myself to the grass covered ground and lean my head back against the beautiful weeping willow.

It is kind of ironic how I would choose such a tree to rest my weary body upon, for my mind and soul is laden with emotional agony. I not only grieve over my unrequited love for Aragorn, but my heart is heavy with the loss of a good friend. In the mines of Moria I was pleased to welcome a deep friendship with Gandalf. He was the only one who knows about my situation and the only one I could confide in. Sure, Aragorn and Boromir know of how I feel, but it is not like I can go to them when my heart is causing me too much pain. Gandalf had come to me in the dark recesses of Moria while the others had been resting, though, and told of how he was aware of the grief suffocating my soul.

"You must fight little Greenleaf, you cannot let your despair lead you to Mandos. Many here would grieve your loss for you have made friendships that last a lifetime. I know I would be devastated if we lost you to the matters of a broken heart."

I cannot help but smile as Gandalf's voice enters my mind. His words had really touched me and left me not feeling so alone in my misery. I had a friend I could confide in, and confide I did. I spoke of not just my anguish over Aragorn, but also of my fear of the darkness of Moria.

Moria is a place that no elf should ever have to enter. A place in which no sunlight can reach and time has no significance. I had no telling of time within the darkness, we could have been there for a few short hours or for a few days time. It had felt like forever to me and my heart was pounding in panic. Gandalf had comforted me the best of his ability, though, and even Aragorn tried to help me keep my sanity. He is aware of how tormenting a place like Moria can be for an elf and I was touched by his concern.

"I am here for you Legolas, this place may be dreadful, but you are not alone. Before you realize it sunlight will be caressing your skin once more and fresh air will be filling your deprived lungs. Be the strong warrior that I know you are, Legolas, for nature is awaiting your return, and in the meantime I am by your side. Do not be afraid to lean on me, let me be your light to lead you through this darkness."

I do not know if he was aware of just what his words implied and meant to me, but I do know he only meant it as a friendly gesture. Oh, how I wished for those words to be meant in a lover's fashion, but I was not naive enough to allow myself to believe he leant me any more than his friendship. I was grateful for his friendship, of course, but I chose to lean toward Gandalf for guidance and support. I love Aragorn with all my heart and soul, but I felt more comfortable leaning on Gandalf for I know my heart would try to reach out to the ranger and it wouldn't be able to handle the separation that would inevitably come.

"I know you love Aragorn, and he has no knowledge of such a gift he has been given, but do not let your shattered heart rip you away from this world Legolas. He may not love you in the sense that you long for, but he does care for you. You may not believe it, or even see it for that matter, but he sincerely cares deeply for you. You should embrace his friendship and be grateful for it. Life does not end simply because his heart lies with another. I will be here for you little Greenleaf, unleash your heavy burden upon me for I am more than happy to try to ease your wounded heart."

I am quite startled when a tear slides down my pale cheek for I had not noticed the sting of their presence within my eyes. I place my finger against my face to catch it on the pad of my thumb and simply stare at it in amazement. I have not shed any tears since discovering Aragorn and Boromir in Rivendell, nor did I shed any when we lost Gandalf, but now a single solitary tear moistens my finger tip and I am unsure what to do. The urge to finally cry is impatient within my chest, but I fear I won't be able to stop once I start. I also fear someone stumbling upon me in such a state, for I have no desire for anyone to see me in such a condition. I am a warrior caught within a perilous time and the last thing I should be doing is shedding tears. However, another tear slides down my face before I can stop it.

I am startled, however, when the snapping of a twig captures my attention. My eyes glide over to my visitor and I find it difficult to swallow; I have been caught.

TBC...