Chapter Ten

I try not to glance in the elf's direction as I guide the canoe through the Great River but I find my eyes betraying me time and time again. I want to scream out all the frustration and confusion I am distraught with but find that I cannot even utter a single word. In the depths of my heart I can say that I love Boromir, he is my reason for breathing, but I am beginning to question many things. I cannot help but begin to assume that I do not know my own heart anymore since it seems to desire to betray me and the one I love.

It has not escaped my knowledge that Legolas is a beautiful and ethereal being, with a kind heart and passionate soul. He has astounded me time and time again while on this quest, I have come to know him on a level I never suspected I would. I am drawn to his light and beauty, no matter how I resist and fight the temptation. 'Tis difficult not to yearn for his company, hear him speak with such passion of Mirkwood, watch his eyes alight when he looks upon nature itself.

The elf has opened a part of me that I had never acknowledged till now. I ache to learn more about his fair race; desire to witness the love his heart can provide. I had not known that I could feel thusly for the proud elf, never knew that I could look upon him and have the feeling of annoyance be absent while fondness is in its place.

I have always been aware of his feelings for me, though I believed them to be temporary, but I had not known that I could begin to feel something in return. I have been doing my best to fight them, however. After all, Boromir does not deserve an unfaithful lover. 'Tis so very hard, however, to pretend not to care for the elf on a deeper level than mere friendship.

'Twas difficult for me to witness that warrior elf embrace Legolas thusly and I felt the burning of jealousy within my stomach and breast. These are feelings I have no right to harbor, for I have no claim over the fair elf, but I cannot deny that I did not appreciate seeing Haldir embracing the elf I have come to be so confused over. When he kissed Legolas' forehead so tenderly I found myself reaching for my sword. Thankfully I had caught myself just in time, for I do not know how I would have explained myself.

Legolas is pure of heart and he deserves to be loved, he deserves to have someone look upon him with love and adoration. Looking into Haldir's eyes and seeing all that is within, I could see that he would love Legolas thusly if only given the chance. He could love the passionate elf and give all his heart to him, something I cannot do.

Still, I was pleased when Legolas returned to join the Fellowship, showing no signs of love and only friendship for the warrior elf, but now I feel horrid and selfish for feeling such an emotion. I cannot, and am unwilling to, give my heart to the elf. So what right do I have to wish him no companionship? How could I possibly condemn a love between the two elves? I should be happy for Legolas if he were to find the love he seeks in Haldir. Yet, I seemingly cannot do this. This must make me a horrible human being because without love what kind of life would Legolas certainly have? It would be unfulfilled, lonely, and laden with misery. How could I possibly wish that upon another?

I am steadily being punished by my own mind, which is consistently conjuring up images of the dream I had the night previous. I shudder at the mere thought of it; shudder pleasantly. The beauty I beheld in the dream, to witness Legolas in such a manor was exquisite and tangible. I have never envisioned a more endearing sight and the image lingers in my mind; behind my eyes. From what I saw with my own eyes this very morning in the pool tells me that my mind captured the elf's beauty fairly, though Legolas is far more captivating and ethereal in reality. Even now I cherish the delicacy of the elf's body.

Legolas' body is not all that my mind is burdened with; I also cannot escape the feelings I felt that seemed far too real for a figment of my imagination. I have never felt something all consuming and deep in my life, not even with Boromir, though it pains me to admit this. It was as though I had found what I had searched long and hard for. The elf was precious to me and I savored every waking moment with him. Now that I have awakened I find that I yearn to feel that way in reality and not just when my dreams envelope me.

I fear that my heart is falling for the woodland elf and there is naught that I can do to prevent it. My arms ache to embrace him in the way a lover would while my lips wish to learn how his mouth would feel against them and my fingers itch to touch his golden, silk tresses. My entire being longs to return the love he so effortlessly bestows upon me, yet I am afraid to allow it. I have promised myself to another so it matters not what my heart wants… I only wish I could make my heart understand.

I do so wish Mithrandir were here for I could use his advice and guidance, his wise words would be greatly appreciated in the time of my dilemma. Alas, he is not, however, and I must find a way to make the right choice on my own. My heart is telling me that I should venture toward another path and I not yet know if that would be a wise choice. I love Boromir still and I am unsure if these recently revealed feelings for the elf are true and everlasting.

Is it possible to have enough room in a heart for two beings? I inquire desperately and full of doubt. How could I give my lover the best of my love when another has captured my heart's attention?

The elf has awakened feelings within me that I never thought I could obtain and a large part of me wishes to explore this further. I know that I mustn't, but my mind is having trouble getting through to my stubborn heart.

I recall our moment in the pool and shame fills my entire being. I know not of what I was thinking when I leant in toward Legolas. 'Twas something I should never have done and I haven't an idea as to why I did. He had just looked so beautiful standing there so very close to me with the fire in the sky alighting him, making his skin shine and his blue eyes brighter than usual; my eyes had opened to a side of him I had never witnessed before. He had taken me by surprise and I was entranced by his person.

I know if he hadn't backed away I would have kissed him; I would have betrayed my lover as well as hurt the elf. That shames me more than I can find the words to express. Boromir deserves a better lover for I have proved to be unworthy. I believe I do not deserve the elf, either. I know that Legolas desires a bond with me and that kiss would have hurt him in the end because I cannot give him the bond he seeks. I would like to give him more of me but 'tis something I mustn't do.

Like they have all day, my eyes find Legolas and lock onto his slender frame. He is not sparing me a glance and I know that is for the best. Nevertheless, my heart swells with fondness as I watch him guide his canoe through the water, his appearance radiating peace and calm even though I can easily sense the tension in his posture. I know I am greatly confusing the elf and I am so very sorry for doing so, I never meant to bring him more pain. I have been rather confused as of late and my actions are affecting the both of us. I need to find a way to control myself because I cannot have a near incident like that once again, it will only hurt all that is involved.

My traitorous heart will be my undoing, I can feel it. I must be the most selfish being in all of Middle Earth for I cannot leave Boromir because I have sworn myself to him, and a large part of me continues to love him, and I cannot seem to let Legolas go, either. My heart burns at the thought of him in Haldir's loving arms for I wish to have him all to myself. I can see that Haldir is strong of heart and can love Legolas like I cannot, his eyes tell me he longs to, but the mere thought pains me grievously.

Powers higher than any of Middle Earth, please show me the path to letting go of the elf, I silently plead, my heart aching most painfully. My love for him cannot grow no matter how I wish it so… please, help my heart release him.

TBC...