Chapter Thirteen

So deep I am in my grief that I feel it in my very bones. 'Tis not just my grief placing weight upon my shoulders, however, but guilt as well. I had truly loved Boromir, though it may not have seemed as though towards the end. My head was far too wrapped up in confusing thoughts of Legolas to pay any attention to my lover and I greatly regret that. Boromir was a good man and he deserved better.

I cannot forget what he said with his last dying breaths, though, for they haunt me for some time to come. I cannot understand how he could tell me to allow myself into another's arms. He was dying there before me and wanted to ensure that I not succumb to my grief. I have his blessing to be with Legolas if I so wish it. He is truly a better man that I could ever hope to be.

"I want you to go to the one you've been running from… you have my blessing, my love."

Can I truly give my heart fully to another and move on from my ill fated love with Boromir? I am sure 'tis much too early to be assessing such things, but my mind is weighed down with the burden of these thoughts. The last thing my lover should have been thinking about was my wellbeing. He was dying in my arms, surely the fact that my heart longed for another should not have been a conversation he had to begin.

Though he told me to move on and allow myself to love the elf I cannot deny the pain he must have experienced having to say these words. I know my betrayal hurt him greatly; he did not need to affirm this for me to know. It hurts to know of the anguish I brought him during the last days of his life, I shall never be able to forgive myself. I had not meant to fall for Legolas, I tried to be faithful to Boromir, but my heart grew fonder for the elf as time had gone by. Even to this day I feel affection toward my Elven companion, I cannot make my heart stop longing for him and it shames me.

Physically shaking my mind to clear I set my sight on the distance before me, trying fruitlessly to see anything on this darkest night. Sighing, I pull my gaze from the darkness and glance behind me at my sleeping companions; unable to stop my mind from realizing that one is missing that should by every right be here. Boromir did not deserve to lose his life; he was a good man and a good warrior.

He fought bravely and his death was one worthy of a warrior, I know he was proud to go out the way he did, I tell myself to lighten the ache in my heart.

Knowing that my watch has come to an end I make my way slowly to the company and stand before them for a moment, silently contemplating which one to awaken. I know that Legolas wanted me to wake him to take the second watch but I find that I do not have the heart to do it. I realize that elves do not require the rest that others do, but he hasn't had much rest as of late and I am loath to wake him from his slumber.

I know my elf friend will not be pleased with me, but I decide it would be best to wake Gimli for the second watch. I care not what the elf says, he needs this rest tonight and I will make sure that he achieves it. He has been distressed as of late, though he has fought hard to keep it from being shone. His state has not escaped my attention, however, and with each passing day it has become more worrisome to me. I have never seen an elf fade before but I fear that is what is happening to my friend and it terrifies me greatly. I have no proof, and I am loath to broach the subject with my Elven companion. That is why I have resolved to keep a close eye on him, if there is any way that I can help my new friend than I will make sure to be there for him.

The dwarf awakes with a start when I lightly shake his shoulder and instantly he reaches out for his axe. The moment my hand falls atop his, Gimli ceases all movement and raises his eyes to my dark silhouette. I speak lightly to him so as to not awaken our resting companion and he rises to take his watch, grumbling softly as he goes. I shake my head in amusement as the dwarf stalks away, and then I glance in Legolas' direction to check on him before lying down on my bedroll.

:0Ж0:

Leaning back against a large rock I cover my face with the palms of my hands and release a weary sigh. A pain so exquisite has been ripping my heart apart ever since we left Amon Hen behind. Every beat of my heart seems to be growing fainter, though I know that couldn't possibly be so. I am no elf that can die of heartbreak, no matter how I may wish I could at the moment.

I still cannot believe it, Boromir has fallen and he shall never return to me. I want to curse the very beings that created him for taking him from me before I was ready. We were supposed to survive this quest and live a long and prosperous life together in the White City. He should not have been taken from me, 'tis not fair that I now have to live out the rest of my days without him by my side.

I achieved my revenge on the Uruk-Hai that took away the life of my lover yet I still feel unfulfilled. That foul creature's death was not nearly as painful as it deserved, he should have suffered the way Boromir was made to. I had been too easy on the creature, gave the vile and retched thing an easy way out when it deserved a painfully slow death. Usually I am not cruel, but you hurt someone I love and I will not be so kind, especially to our enemy.

When I think about my love I cannot help the desire to grieve. All I have been doing since we sent him on his last journey is mourn, though. I have mourned for the love I took for granted and I mourn for the life so cruelly cut short. I want to scream when I think of the words my lover said with his dying breaths. I cannot give my heart to Legolas, the guilt would be too much for me to bear. Would that not be like a slap in the face to my fallen beloved? How could he possibly request such a thing of me? He couldn't honestly believe I could give in to my treacherous heart when it had betrayed him so in life?

"Nay, Boromir, my love, I will not give my heart to Legolas, I mustn't." I whisper to the heavens, praying my beloved can hear me. "My heart belongs to you Boromir, and death does not change that. So, I am releasing this foolish infatuation with Legolas, the elf shan't get any nearer to my heart than he has already, I promise you this. Legolas means nothing to me from now till the day I meet with you again."

A gasp comes from the right of me and I swiftly turn my head to see Legolas standing there, tears in his eyes that he is unable to hide any longer. Shame fills me as we stare at each other, knowing he has heard my words and is hurt by them. I never wanted to hurt the elf but I cannot allow myself to fall for him any harder than I already may have. There are so many misunderstandings and bad blood between us already, so how could a bond between us possibly come to be?

"Please accept my apology Legolas, I had not meant for you to overhear me. I still think of you as a good friend, but that is all that can be between us. I value your friendship, mellon-nin, but my heart will always belong to Boromir, whether he stands beside me or not. I cannot change the way things are any more than you can. I sincerely hope you can find someone one day that will give you the love you seek, for you deserve to be happy, little elf." I tell him softly but passionately.

Sapphire eyes full of sorrow meet mine and my breath hitches in my throat at the degree of pain I can sense the elf to be in. I am astounded that I could bring such an ethereal being such despair and misery. I am frightened by what I see, however, because I believe I am witnessing an elf's heart breaking right before my very own eyes. Could my Elven friend care so much for me that his heart is at risk of breaking? How did I not see all along that I held the elf's fate in my hands?

As those azure eyes fill with tears of heartbreak, Legolas releases a hitched sob that couldn't make how broken he is any clearer. Grasping at his chest, he swiftly turns from me and disappears into the woods. I know that I cannot let him get away; he must know how I truly feel because I was only speaking out of guilt when I said those thoughtless words. Even as I spoke them I knew I did not truly mean them… only, the elf does not know this. I cannot allow him to continue to believe that my heart does not long for him, that I do not love him, because I do love him… more than I ever wanted to.

I call out his name; I search high and low but I find not a trace of him. Elves can easily disappear when they do not wish to be found. The dark soon gives way to daylight and I have yet to find my beloved elf. I am about ready to admit defeat and give him space to return on his own when I catch sight of gold mixed with the green of nature.

My heart skips a beat when I see Legolas' motionless form and horror fills my soul when I realize that his chest is not rising with every breath. I drop to my knees beside him and cup his alabaster cheeks with my palms. His skin is cold to the touch and I am stuck by the absence of light within his unseeing eyes. My heart aches at the realization I have no choice but to face.

"How could I have let you fade, a'mael? Why could I not see sooner how your heart was hurting so?" I whisper as tears of deep sorrow slide down my cheeks. "I have failed another that I love."

This journey has brought me more pain than I had counted on for I keep watching those I care about die. Gimli and Legolas were all I had left, I am their leader and it was my duty to keep them safe. Now I have lost Legolas to a broken heart, a heart I could have saved if I had just spoken the truth.

A cry of anguish rips from my throat as I gather the lifeless elf in my arms and whisper "Amin hiraetha, goheno nin, mela amin," as I cradle him to my chest.

My eyes snap open and I sit up quickly, the remains of my dream still having a tight grip on my heart. With eyes filled with panic I glance around the camp till my eyes land on the elf, whom lies several feet away on his own bedroll. I regard him cautiously, afraid that I have lost him while asleep. When I see his chest rise with an intake of breath, however, I release a sigh of relief.

Willing my harsh breathing to return to normal I lie down once more but am unwilling to take my eyes off the blonde. I cannot bear to lose another companion and, I realize now, that to lose the elf would bring me unimaginable pain. I cannot lose him, he is my heart... I just hadn't wanted to acknowledge it till now. Losing Boromir had hurt beyond words but to lose Legolas would be dire to me. Even the thought is inconceivable; I must protect him at all costs.

I never realized just how much I truly cared till my dream forced me to acknowledge life without the elf. It would kill me to live without him and with his death I would surely follow him. Just one smile from his beautiful face puts my soul at ease and gives me strength. My heart sings with joy at the aspect of having him by my side always, I cannot give him up now that I have finally found him.

First I dream of making love to Legolas, feelings so tangible that they have stayed with me since then, and now I dream of the elf's death. I cannot begin to conceive why I am having these dreams as of late, but I have naught but gratitude toward them.

I love him, there is naught I can do but acknowledge and embrace these feelings inside my being, my heart belongs to him now, I tell myself for the first time as I keep my eyes trained on him for the rest of the night…

Miles away Galadriel smiles serenely and turns to her husband, "I have done all I can for the Prince of Mirkwood and heir to the throne of Gondor, the rest is in their hands now."

TBC…

Elven Translations:

Mellon-nin -- My friend
A'mael -- Beloved
Amin hiraetha, goheno nin, mela amin -- I'm sorry, forgive me, my love