Chapter Fifteen
I cannot seem to catch my breath, 'tis caught in my throat as I lean against the brick wall behind my back. Pain sears through my soul, a vice like grip tightening around my heart and nearly bringing me to my knees. I have failed. I have failed the one person on Middle Earth that means the most to me. I swore to myself that I would protect him with my very life and was unable to keep my promise.
Though I had not witnessed it with my own eyes, my mind is conjuring up images, horrifying images of Aragorn tumbling over the face of the cliff and falling to the depths below, plunging to his imminent death. The orc's scratchy and vile voice keeps repeating over and over again in my head; I cannot seem to escape it.
My whole being is in a state of shock, trying desperately to deny the facts. I just cannot believe he is gone, my Estel is gone and there was nothing I could do to prevent his fall. I was not there by his side when he needed me most. How could I let this occur? I promised to keep him safe and I have failed him. How could I allow this to happen? My mind is screaming at me, torturing me endlessly.
Gimli has tried to comfort me, offered his companionship and ear for he is pained by Aragorn's loss as well, but he cannot possibly understand the anguish my soul is experiencing. He did not love Aragorn with all his being, every breath he took wasn't for the man. I know the dwarf is worried about me, but I cannot bring myself to turn to him in my time of need. All I desire is some solitude where I can lick my wounds in peace without an audience, no matter if that audience happens to be a close friend.
I know not how I am going to find the strength to continue on without Aragorn by my side. I know this may sound selfish, but I need him here with me. I realize that he may be happy wherever he is now, safe in the arms of his beloved Boromir, but my heart is screaming out for his return. I know this is foolish, he will not be returning to me this time, but hope has sunk its claws into me and refuses to relinquish its hold.
Everyone that passes by all have sympathetic expressions on their faces but not one of them approaches me, something I am grateful for. I fear words of pity and sympathy may be my undoing and the tears I have managed to keep at bay will be set free to roam down my race. Now wouldn't that be a sight, a warrior elf crying like an elfling for all to see, my mind supplies dryly.
Pushing away from the wall, I make my way further down the hall until sunlight caresses my face. I do not acknowledge the sun's warmth, something I would normally revel in, and walk numbly to an area of seclusion free from prying eyes. I sink down to my knees, resting my palms on the stone beneath them, and stare up at the bright blue sky. I want to cry out, demand an answer to why the higher beings took my Aragorn from me, but that would draw unwanted attention so I simply stare and scream silently in my mind.
"Just know that you are very special to me, have become someone very near and dear to me. I wish I could elaborate further, truly explain what you mean to me, but I truly feel 'tis not the time. Just do not doubt how special you are to me, Legolas."
A sob hitches in my chest as Aragorn's voice invades my mind, painfully aware of the fact that we shall never have that conversation now. I am forever left to wonder what Aragorn had wanted to tell me. He had said it was important and now I shall never know to what degree. He had also said I was special to him, and ever since our conversation I have had the desire to ask him what he meant… now I will never know.
I place my hand against my chest, knowing the action is useless, and my face pinches in pain when I feel a crack from within. I am not naïve, I know 'twas my heart that just cracked. My condition is in full effect now, I fear it won't be much longer before my heart gives out on me and I will be forced to leave all I love behind. Though it hurts to leave Gimli, my family and people, and nature behind, the loss of Aragorn and my aching heart makes it difficult to care as much as I should.
I have been loath to admit it, but I am almost ready to go… I have not much left to hold on to. In a lot of ways I just wish for all this anguish to end, I wish for Mandos to end my suffering and take me home. It shames me for I cannot help taking this as a sign of giving up, but I cannot deny how I am feeling inside, either. I am tired of this struggle, tired of trying to appear strong because it is slowly defeating me. At least Aragorn isn't here to witness my downfall. Thank the higher powers for small favors, I think to myself dryly.
"Please forgive me, mela amin, I never meant to fail you," I whisper softly, hoping Aragorn can hear me wherever he is. "I hope you have found peace once more with your beloved Boromir."
Tears spill past my barriers and slide down my face before I can even attempt to stop them. Saying goodbye to my one true love pains me more than I thought it would. I didn't expect it to be easy, but the reality of my words just pains my already damaged heart and leaves behind a deep scar.
In battle there is always danger of losing your life or the life of a fellow warrior, I have always been aware of this, but I wasn't prepared to lose Aragorn. I don't think I could have prepared myself for this whether it happened now or in the distant future. I know that men can just as likely perish as an elf can in battle, their lives are short in any case anyway, but to me Aragorn was indestructible. I know 'twas foolish to think of the man that way, but he was the last person I ever expected to fall during this war. I knew it could happen, but I honestly believed it wouldn't.
The truth has been cruelly shoved in my face because I have lost you, I internally cry out as I slump over and tears continue to slide down my pain etched face.
Still in a state of shocked numbness, I wander aimlessly toward the entrance of Helm's Deep only to hear a commotion emitting from outside. My eyebrows crease in confusion; though I cannot bring myself to care too much, I must say my curiosity has gotten the best of me. I stop in my tracks several feet before the door, squinting against the sunlight blocking my vision of the men busying about outside, distorting their forms into blurry figures with darkened faces.
My eyes lock on a lone figure entering the building, dark clothes ripped and torn, head bowed with eyes staring at the ground beneath his feet as he walks; hair a disarray of filthy locks. My breath catches in my throat and my heart swells with disbelief and joy as I register the fact that Aragorn is heading unknowingly in my direction. This man I had believed to be lost is now in front of me, Aragorn is alive. The emotion I am feeling is beyond relief and I cannot begin to put into words what I am feeling. All I know is the emotions plunging through my soul are so intense and unfathomable.
Aragorn ceases his stride abruptly when he realizes someone is standing in front of him and he raises his head to lock his stormy gray eyes on mine. His eyes are alight with surprise, along with undisguised joy, and for a long moment all we do is stare at one another. My blue eyes take in the sight of him before me, sweeping over his every feature before landing on his eyes once more.
"Le ab-dollen." I finally break the silence between us and he cocks his head in surprise at my words. I sweep my eyes over his frame once more, "You look terrible."
I cannot explain the joy and relief that consumes me when my words bring laughter from the beautiful man standing in front of me; all I can do is smile softly as he reaches out and places a hand on my shoulder.
"'Tis good to see you too mellon-nin," he whispers, keeping the conversation low and only between us. "I hope I did not give you too much of a scare."
"'Twas not easy to accept, I thought you were dead." I admit on a whisper, lowering my head slightly but not losing contact with his eyes.
"Goheno nin?" He asks with soft eyes full of warmth and tender care, I find my breath catching in my throat for the second time since laying eyes on him this day.
"Uuma dela mellon-nin… just don't do it again." I reply lightly, joy dancing in my eyes as a bright smile lights up my face and causes one to grow on his.
"I must speak with King Théoden a moment," he says suddenly, as though just remembering, "it is urgent."
I catch on to the seriousness of his tone, worry strumming through my veins, and nod my head mutely, motioning for him to follow me to the King's Quarters. I know not if I desire to hear this news Aragorn has brought with him for I know it cannot be anything good, but I also know that 'tis imperative that I know what is going on.
I could kick myself for despairing at a time like this, 'twas very uncharacteristic of me and I can only imagine what Aragorn thought of my outburst. I know he was not happy with me, he shouted at me, after all. I knew it was wrong of me to strike up such a conversation at that particular moment, but I couldn't seem to stop my mouth from blurting out the words. I hate the thought of disappointing him and I cannot bear for him to think of me as weak. That is how I must've appeared, though, I think to myself in dismay.
I haven't seen him since he stalked away from me and it hasn't ceased to bother me since. I do not like him being angry or disappointed in me, I must fix things between us, especially before the upcoming battle. Our argument is hanging over my head and will continue to do so unless I can fix things right now. He needs to know that I shall follow him to the ends of the earth and that I trust his leadership; that I no longer despair and am sorry for ever doing so.
I release a deep, weary sigh as I enter the armory and find Aragorn preparing for the battle. I stand still for a moment, watching him with something akin to fascination, before moving forward. I grab his sword and hold it out for him. His eyes land on the sword and crawl up the length of it to lock with my own.
"We have trusted you this far; you have not led us astray. Forgive me, I was wrong to despair." It takes a lot of courage to say these words, my pride wanting me to keep my mouth shut, but I know I meant every single word.
It feels as though a weight as been lifted off my shoulders the moment he tells me there is nothing to forgive, the relief washing over me in crashing waves. The smile he bestows upon me causes one to break out on my own face in return and I clasp his shoulder tightly, squeezing briefly.
"I won't lie to you, Legolas; the upcoming battle won't be an easy fight. You needn't worry though; I will be fighting right by your side. Whatever occurs afterwards we shall deal with together." He says softly in reassurance and I cannot help but love him more for it.
"Hannon le, mellon-nin, I do not doubt that." I smile as I say this, finally removing my hand from his shoulder with cheeks a bright crimson.
Aragorn's eyes grow increasingly softer as they sweep over my face, I simply watch him in confusion, unable to figure out what he is thinking. "Legolas, I…uh, I…" He can't seem to get the words out and releases a huff of frustration. He takes a few steps closer to me until there is only a breath of space between us and I stare at him with wide eyes, fear and hope waging for dominance.
"Yes, Estel," I question breathlessly, lowering my head and looking up at him through my lashes.
"Legolas, I can't keep…" Aragorn doesn't get to finish his sentence for the loud sound of a horn interrupts his words.
We both raise our heads and look toward the stairwell. My eyes light up with realization, the Elves have come to our aid.
TBC…
Elven Translations:
Mela amin -- My love
Le ab-dollen -- You're late
Mellon-nin -- My friend
Goheno nin -- Forgive me
Uuma dela -- Don't worry
Hannon le -- Thank you
A/N: Sorry if this chapter was annoying to read, I realize it kinda jumped around a lot, sorry for that.