(Note: I did not write all of this, some of it was collected from rants I found on the INTERNET and concise arguments on forums. I edited it and grammar-a-fied it. I did not ask permission for these rants. However, some stuff is mine. Yes I do realise now that Twilight fans will hate me for bashing twilight, and anti-twilighters will hate me for stealing some of their work. That's okay. If I stop posting it's because one group or another has tracked me down and killed me... Enjoy!)

This Chapter is mostly taken from the Twilight Sucks Forum. This is mostly about all the errors that Smeyer made whenever using anything sciencey or medically.

Medical Fail the First,

Bella's injuries in Twilight after getting pummelled by James. Let's consider: a broken leg, four broken ribs, a fractured skull (which Eddiekins refers to as something like "several cracks in your skull", which only someone who has no medical background would say--and Eddie is supposed to have gone through med school twice), lots of bruises, has lost a lot of blood, to the point she needed a transfusion of multiple units of blood (whole blood or specific components? ;p), and was kept in an sedated while out cold for several days (IIRC, she wasn't aware of anything between venom being sucked from her hand and when she woke up in the hospital and Eddykins was there).

In May 2002 I was in a serious car accident. Unconscious at the scene, airlifted to a better-equipped facility than the one nearest the accident, out cold in ICU for twelve hours. The finally injury tally was a closed head injury and broken bone in my pelvis and I spent four days in the hospital. November '06 I bruised the lining of my ribs on my left side. Between those things and my veterinary background (a mammal is a mammal) my inner Accuracy Nazi was going ballistic and wanted to send Smeyer a letter detailing every single way in which she'd demonstrated she was too lazy to get anything right and her kind of stupid should be very painful.

So how full of Total Fail is SMeyer?

1) Ribs--As anyone who's suffered broken and/or bruised ribs can tell you, injured ribs Hurt. A lot. I don't have Twilight at the moment so I can't remember everything Bella did that no one with injured ribs would do, but breathing deeply, hyperventilating, and anything that involves the use of or pressure on the chest/thoratic muscles on that side of the body.

When I injured the lining of my ribs on my left side and that Really Hurt and no way in fifteen hells was I going to move more than needed and then very carefully and slowly. I was out of work for several weeks until I healed up well enough I could twist, turn, bend, lift, and carry without it really hurting and I spent most of my time doing little but sitting in a very comfy armchair watching TV/DVDs, reading, or at my computer. Lying on my back was not at all comfortable and reaching across my body like Bella would have had to do to pull sensors and IV needles from her hand? I forget if the reaching action was Painful or not but I'm not thinking it was something I did, as I didn't want to risk being in Pain. Broken ribs, btw, take 1-2 months to heal up.

The doctors wouldn't have given Bella crutches and even if they had, she'd attempt one step with them, cry out in agony, and Eddiekins would have to catch her collapsing form. Why? Involves the use of chest/thoractic muscles. 'Agonizing' may be too weak of a word for what Bella would've experienced. The girl would've been in a wheelchair until either her leg or her ribs healed, whichever happened first.

I don't remember the whole prom scene but I have no doubt the fact Eddiekins had Bella out 'dancing' is the least of the things that would never, ever happen with someone with broken ribs and a broken leg. He'd have had to be very careful doing anything that involved moving her or putting any kind of pressure or stress on her upper body. Those who have the book can point up all the places Smeyer was particularly full of Total Fail.

2) Waking up in the hospital--I have a hard time buying that she was merely sedated. The girl was out cold for several days. You don't need to sedate someone who's out cold so either Eddy was confused about what medications Bella was being given (he went to med school twice, mind you) or he confused sedation with an induced coma. Whichever, Smeyer got that wrong and she messed up on what ward Bella would've been in while she was out like a light, because Bella would've been in the ICU and getting in there unless you're immediate family is difficult and nurses are going to be keeping tabs on the patients and their conditions like proverbial hawks. No way Eddiekins and Bella would've had uninterrupted alone time when she woke up. When I came around in the ICU, I tried to sit up almost immediately and almost immediately a nurse was there telling me to lie back down. Likewise, a nurse would've been there immediately if Bella tried to remove any of the sensors or needles.

3) Effects of the head injury--Bella wouldn't be even remotely clear-headed enough to carry on a conversation with Eddiekins beyond asking where she was, how long she'd been there, and the like. Her first action after waking up would be along the lines of trying to sit up and see where she was and figure out what was going on. Concern for not wanting to draw attention to herself? Puh-lease! Her brain would be much, much, much too scrambled to be able to form thoughts like that, never mind hold onto them long enough to try and act on them.

Basically, anything more involved than simple questions and topics would've been beyond her mental capabilities at that point. I don't know how out of it she'd be if there were mind-fuzzifying drugs in her system as well, but fuzzing up already scrambled brains...yeah.

She'd have been out of it not only for the length of her time in the hospital, but also once she got home. When I was recovering, it seemed like thinking was akin to trying to walk through molasses in the middle of January--sometimes uphill. The doctors had no idea how much brain damage had been done and how I'd be affected or how severely and, for a time, I was genuinely afraid the slow thinking might end up being permanent.

When you've always done well in school and known you have an above average IQ, to think you might now be stuck in the slow lane, unable to process things like you used to and express yourself like you used to can be terrifying. A real person in her position would've been concerned with if she'd ever be back to how she'd been before the head injury and if not, how severely would be be affected and how would she cope with the changes.

The only relationship dynamics you care about when you're recovering is that the ones you love are there for you.

Medical Fail the Second,

In relation to Bella's Mum's newest sex toy who plays baseball, and I quote my fellow anti: "His thigh bone? His thigh bone? He BROKE his FEMUR while SLIDING in BASEBALL? What, was he shot out of a cannon?!

And he's just a minor league player, for crying out loud.

The only time I can remember a guy's femur being broken in baseball was when a fielder and a guy running bases collided. Not this "he slid into the catcher" crap."

Medical Fail the Third,

Chapter 2, New Moon

At the end of ch 1, Bella's just noticed her arm is sliced open "...from my wrist to the crease inside my elbow. Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm..." (emphasis mine)

First, the way Bella was injured. It's not a fail so much as an observation. If you want to commit suicide by slitting your wrists, you'll want to slice vertically--slice at a slight angle and you can sever two arteries --not horizontally across the wrist-- there are several ligaments there you'd have to slice through before getting to the blood vessels. I highly doubt there's anything behind the choice of injury beyond Smeyer looking at some human anatomy drawings and choosing what would be a dramatic enough injury, but I thought I'd mention it.

If blood is "pulsing" from any wound, you've hit an artery and that is an emergency situation, especially when you've hit a main artery and there are two of those in the lower arm (ulnar and radial). I don't recall there being any "pulsing" blood at the dance studio in Twilight, so this is at least as critical, if not moreso, than that incident.

Quote:

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.

A second passed, and then Edward nodded slowly and relaxed his stance."

...the HELL? Carlisle is asking politely and waits for Edward to move? Like hell it would go down like that! Carlisle would bark, "Edward, MOVE!" and probably tell Eddie to do something like put a lot of pressure on the inside of the upper arm. There's absolutely no time for civilities, something Eddie, who's supposed to have been through med school twice, should bloody well know. He'd also get his head ripped off by Carlisle if he hadn't already started to act to slow/stop Bella's bleeding.

Carlisle, experienced in working under extreme stress and pressure, would've kept his cool but unless he got his medical degree off the back of a cereal box, he's going to be giving orders, telling people to hurry up with what he needs, and not waiting for people to get the frak out of his way.

Rosalie and Emmett would have been told "Get Jasper out of here NOW!" as Carlisle took giant steps as quickly as possible to get across the room and his next command would have been "Someone get me my bag. Hurry!" Edward, who's been through med school twice, would've known how critical the situation was and already been working on stopping the bleeding.

Carlisle would NOT have refused Alice's offer of a towel because of how much glass there was in the wound. I was floored, boggled, and thinking 'whiskey tango foxtrot?' Who, when someone's bleeding, refuses anything that can be pressed over the wound to control bleeding? Not wanting to press anything on the wound while there was still glass in it, I can buy, but Carlisle would tell Alice to set it down next to him or somewhere within easy reaching distance.

Carlisle would be much too busy working with Edward trying to save Bella from bleeding out to ask if she wanted to go to the hospital or not. Carlisle, if he were keeping current with trends and changes in the field, wouldn't be using a tourniquet. Pressure on the artery above the elbow, yes.

He wouldn't waste time and words saying "Let's take her to the kitchen table" to Eddie. It would've been more like, "Kitchen table. Lift on three."

Quote:

"You don't need to be a hero," I said. "Carlisle can me up without your help."

And

Quote:

Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far."

BZZT! WRONG! This not being a minor situation, Carlisle is not going to send away another doctor-type person. (Yes, that IS the technical term)

Bella would have enough blood on herself from this wound that reek of blood would have her greener than an artichoke and throwing up multiple times.

.............................................................................................................................................................
I want to interject here that IRL, any medical professional worth their name badge would not have taken Bella into the kitchen to work on her, they would have gotten control of the bleeding and then had someone else carry her out to the car so they could get her to the hospital--driving fast even for them--because severed arteries require surgical repair.

.............................................................................................................................................................

Nowhere in this scene does Carlisle wash his hands, put on gloves, or cleanse the wound in any way prior to suturing it up. Of all the fail Smeyer commits here, this is the biggest, grandest, most profound fail. This runs TOTALLY COUNTER to what you are taught/have drilled into you in medical--no, forget that, it's what you have drilled into you in any first aid/medical class at any educational level.

WASH YOUR HANDS AND CLEAN THE WOUND BEFORE CLOSING IT UP. DUH?!?!?!

I truly pity and fear for her husband and sons. He does, however, use a local anesthetic to numb the wound while he sutures it. How contentious of him. If he wanted to spare her suffering and pain, he'd have DONE THINGS THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! GAH! Suturing closed an uncleaned wound traps any bacteria introduced by whatever penetrated the skin and tissues beneath, creating an ideal environment for infection to develop. Malpractice, anyone?

A wound that size would not "sting". It would hurt like holy particular hell and you'd want painkillers so badly breaking into a pharmacy to get codeine/opiates starts to seem like a really good idea.

The needles used to inject topical anesthetics -- let's just say it doesn't matter how small and fine a needle is, it hurts like a son of a bitch and the doctor can't get it out of your very sensitive, already-hurting injured tissues. Bella would have been definitely making her displeasure and discomfort known and I totally empathize.

Carlisle would not use "thread' to close the wound, he'd use sutures. *headwall* There's absolutely no reason whatsoever for this level of stupid other than you fail at life.

Carlisle would not "wipe" anything on the newly sutured wound (it is NOT an "operation site"; another bit of stupidity), especially an "oversized Q-tip". Wiping would exert way too much force on the freshly-closed wound. The only 'wiping' that might occur would be more like dabbing at a small area than anything else.

Smeyer executes another round of Complete Fail when describing what Carlisle puts on the wound post-suturing. First, whatever is on the Q-tip that stains the skin, it sounds like an iodine scrub. Iodine scrub is used *prior* to surgery to clean and disinfect the site. It is NOT used on/near broken skin because it would damage any tissue/cells it came in contact with and that is very counter-productive to proper healing.

It took me at least ten minutes to figure out why Smeyer had Carlisle wipe down the kitchen table with rubbing alcohol (Bella referring to is as isopropyl alcohol is incredibly pretentious and smacks of 'Let me show you how smart I am'. In medical/veterinary circles, when someone asks for alcohol, it's understood they mean isopropyl/rubbing alcohol. Commercially-available alcohol containers will have just 'Alcohol' printed on/molded into them) because while that will disinfect, that's not what you'd use to clean up an area where you've just sutured a large and rather bloody cut.

It's only going to leave bloody streaks on the table so you need to go through and clean again. Get some kind of multi-surface cleaner or just good ole soap and hot water to wipe up an area. I was even more confused when he put everything into a bowl and set it all on fire. I understand wanting to disinfect and keep things clean, but burning what you used on Bella and to clean the table?

Finally, it hit me he did that to destroy any blood. Okay, good idea. Some explanation would've been nice, Smeyer.

Esme would not be using straight bleach to clean up where Bella sliced her arm open. First, bleach isn't going to clean up blood. Soap and hot water, floor cleaner, multi-surface cleaner...take your choice but that's what you'd use and both she and Carlisle would know bleach (and alcohol) aren't cleansers, they're disinfectants, and how well they work relates directly to how clean the surface is before they're applied. Second, if you're going to use bleach to disinfect, you use a 1:10 solution. You don't need anything stronger. Allowing for the fact vamps have a much more powerful sense of smell having more bleach in the solution makes sense, but straight bleach is overkill and the fumes -- well, maybe they wouldn't be dangerous to vamps but they are for humans.

Edward talking about how what happened at his place could've happened if she was with friends: considering the size of the injury and that blood was "pumping" out of the wound, her friends not being able to find her a bandage (and who keeps bandages for injuries that size around anyway?) would be the least of the problems, and if they drove her to the ER, she'd definitely get blood on the car seats--and her friends, too. Smeyer clearly doesn't even begin to grasp or appreciate the magnitude of Bella's injury. This is NOT a minor thing.

While looking for info on how to repair severed arteries, I happened on an article about a soldier in Iraq whose carotid artery (in the neck) was severed in a roadside bomb attack. It didn't say how it was repaired, but it did say this, which is relevant to Bella's hospital stay at the end of Twilight:

Quote:

He was quickly taken to a nearby facility to receive medical attention, where doctors placed him in a drug-induced coma, a process that helps patients recover from potentially life-threatening conditions. He remained in a state of unconsciousness for three days.

Like I said in an earlier post to this topic, Smeyer was pulling that whole scene straight out of her completely ignorant bum.

Bad writing that doesn't involve lack of research:

Quote:

"Charlie wouldn't notice, I was sure. The long white bandage on my arm didn't look nearly as serious when I was no longer spattered in gore. Charlie was never surprised to see me bandaged."

1) A bandage running the length of your daughter's forearm is going to get your attention and cause you concern.

2) Bella was not spattered in gore. Total and complete melodrama to the max. Gore=/=blood.

3) Bella saying Charlie is used to seeing her bandaged: Is this yet another ham-handed reference how to bloody clumsy Bella Sue is? *rolls eyes* Yeah, okay, I get it already, so SHUT UP. I am a klutz, as are my mom and her mother. My knees are almost always covered with many bruises in various stages of healing. It hasn't fazed me for years when I see a bruise and I don't know how I got it (God help me if I ever develop leukemia! ;p).

I rarely trip when walking across a flat surface. I rarely trip and/or fall when hiking. I can generally walk fine on wet and icy surfaces. No one is as bad as Bella Sue unless they have neurological problems and if she were truly that unsteady on her feet, she'd have a cane or walker or something so she could go three steps without falling on her face.

Edward beating up on himself for having to fight "the urge to kill you" while helping with her and being there for you: SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY! WE GET IT! Geez! Just...Shut. Up. You lament like this is all one huge tragedy when you've made it clear you don't consider being a danger to her continued mortal existence a good enough reason to stay the hell away from a chick you profess to love more than life itself and you'd commit dramatic suicide anything ever happened to her.

You choose to put her safety at risk each and every time you choose to be around her, so enough with the lamenting how you could kill her. Dude, if that happens, I don't know if that would count as Murder One, but you definitely deserve to be locked away for a long, long time and your family can pay for your upkeep. We have enough scum living at taxpayer expense already.

Bella putting packages under her good arm and slamming the truck door: Bella. Is slamming the truck door with her injured arm? What colour is the sun in Smeyer's world, anyway? No way in hell she could do that! She'd pull at least part of the cut open from the exertion.

After slamming the truck door with her injured arm, she remarks inside that the slight pressure from holding her arm against her side "burned". Whatever. Go back to smoking your crack and leave the storytelling to those of us who aren't mentally deficient. While it's plausible she did wince while putting on her jammies, it's totally ridiculous to say this after slamming a truck door with your injured arm without even flinching.

When she gets back from the party, Charlie sees a long bandage but doesn't push it when Bella gives him what is clearly a bullcrap explanation.

Medical Fail the Fourth,

New Moon, paperback, p. 344

Quote:

"Is that one of those wolf things?" I asked him. "The [body] heat, I mean."

"Yeah, we run a little warmer than normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stand like this" -- he gestured to his bare torso -- "in a snowstorm and it wouldn't bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood."

On a quick non-human physiology note, I'd like to point out that the flakes would melt, not turn to bloody rain, when they got close enough to Jacob to warm to the melting point. Snow is, for all intents and purposes, frozen rain. The "...where I stood" thing is general writing fail. [/side track]

For reference, some temperatures:

Average human temp: 98.6 Fahrenheit/37 Celsius

Canine body temp: 100-102 F/38-39 C

Smeyerwolf temp: 108-109 F/42-43 C

Having an average body temp of 108, 109 is not "a little warmer than normal people". Running at 99 or 100 is a little warmer. Ten degrees hotter? Jacob mentions a few paragraphs later that the temp (Smeyer says) the wolves run at is high enough that "[y]ou can't just got see any doctor when you're running a temperature that should mean you're dead." Either Jacob was being extremely tongue-in-cheek or someone needs to explain that if it's hot enough to kill you, that is *not* "a little warmer".

After the red flags started flying at "a little warmer", my mind started cranking on body temperatures and averages and just how full of fail was the Smeyerwolf body temperature. In other words, it was the typical kind of reaction of the intelligent mind to Smeyer's writing. ;p

Normal doggy temp tops out around 102 F and if Fido has a temp of 103 F, it's time to get him into the vet. Just a reminder, Smeyerwolves are 108 to 109 F.

For those who don't have a biology background, high temps are a Bad Thing because a high enough temp will denature the body's enzymes (read: messes them up so they can't work properly), as well as pretty much every other protein in the body (read: muscles and organs). The reason an egg white turns from clear snot to solid white stuff when you cook it is the proteins were denatured by the heat. That's why high fevers are so dangerous and why it's so important to get them down as quickly as possible.

What I found online about enzyme action agrees that roughly 104 F/40 C is optimal for mammalian enzymes. Humans and dogs are in danger of cooking at 40 C, so clearly there's something the sites didn't mention. *shrugs* I mention this because enzyme activity drops off rather steeply once you pass the optimal temp (varies from enzyme to enzyme) because of denaturing. Smeyerwolves are supposed to run a temp that's 2 C above the optimal temp for mammals, and while I don't know how much that would impair enzyme activity, the fact is that it would, and that's ignoring the reality that 104 in any canine not adapted to living in the desert is dangerous.

I believe it's in Eclipse Jacob says Smeyerwolves are human and I think it's also Eclipse where we get the whole metaphysical spirit warrior mumbojumbo about how the Smeyerwolves came to be. Whatever. If someone wanted to argue that when they're at one with their spirit wolf that causes some kind of change that enables them to run at a body temp that's high for any non-desert critter, and that's if they're pretty much at rest. Call it a supernatural heat shield.

In human form, however, they're exactly that: human. No spiritual heat shield, which means--you guessed it, you smart people!--they'd be cooked like so many turkeys at Thanksgiving. Mmmm, roast Smeyerworf! Sound delish! Can I have some mashed potatoes and gravy on the size, plzthx?

Medical Fail the Fifth

... Not really medical, more just factually wrong. But I suppose it has some medical bits in it. If you squint.

Bella's biology teacher did the blood experiment without informing parents and having the students turn in permission slips. He should've had his ass fired (and sued) as soon as the higher ups of the school found out. Teachers CANNOT do those kinds of things without parental consent.

Cause a student could have AIDS or some other disease transmitted through blood.

Schools these days use chemicals, not blood, to illustrate how blood typing works for all the reasons everyone's given. My 10th grade bio teacher told us how when he was in school someone got a nosebleed during a lab and after it stopped when the clot came loose the lab class made use of it for study under the microscopes.

My teacher then mentioned how something like that wouldn't "now". That was 1995 and things certainly haven't gotten any laxer since I went through biology class. I'd have loved to do actual blood typing and thought the simulated thing was a waste of time because we all knew what was supposed to happen so we went through the motions and spit back the right answers on the worksheets we were given.

Medical Fail the Sixth,

A human can not smell such a minute amount of blood as Bella did. It's impossible for Bella to have smelled a tiny pinprick of blood even if she stuck Mike's finger up her nose. (Though I spose if she asked, he would of.)

I thought it was weird that Bella was able to smell a drop a blood half a room away, but whatever. That doesn't mean humans can't smell blood at all. Contrary to Edward's belief, humans can smell blood if it's in large quantities.

Mr. Perfect goes about saying humans can't smell blood in large quantities. I guess consistency is too much to ask of Smeyer. Maybe she's never come in contact with enough blood to know humans can, indeed, smell blood.

I know I can smell blood. Having sliced my fingers more than a few times, and being a woman who gets her period once a month I can say with total assurance that humans can, most definitely, smell blood if there's enough present—which there isn't when someone pricks their finger, like when my diabetic friend tests her blood sugar before a meal.

Medical fail the Seventh,

This has been pointed out before, but the lack of fangs in the meyerpires means that they'd crush your neck when drinking your blood. Not only does this mean that all vampires should theoretically have gaping holes in their necks (which would be amusing), but that unless they really mutilate their (human) prey people will get suspicious. Humans bites =/= wolf or bear bites, and usually forensic scientists can tell the difference.

Also, vampires don't heal from other vampire bites. Jasper has all those scars from fighting newborn vampires. So why doesn't it ever mention Bella's stomach having all those scars from Edward when he chewed the fetus out?

Later she explains that Venom cures all. Which is weird – it's supposed to be venom. You know, a poisonous fluid produced by an animal and injected into prey or attackers by a bite or sting.

Vampire Venom should not cure people and turn them in Sparkle Spawn. It should DAMAGE them, not heal. Damage.

Their venom is highly corrosive... If I'm ever ill and a doctor comes up to me and says "hi, this venom here can melt a contact lens, but it'll make you live forever!"

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hang on, let me get my mini rant about out of my system:

Vampire Venom is stupid!!!!

Bella and Edward were so god damn careful about kissing because every fluid in Eddy Boy's body is venom. That includes saliva. The point was they were careful of kissing cause they didn't want Bella to be an accidental vampify but they still had sex which should have been more likely to cause the vampifying

STUPIDITY OVERLOAD

Bella should have become a vampire before her and Edward even got the chance to make bone braking love.

She certainly would become a vampire during sex. Cause all vampires fluids are venom.

*sighs*

Ok so they never open mouth kiss because of potential, accidental vampirism occuring? (fair enough but it sounds dull as all hell)

BUT she wants to have sex with him as a human. Surely if they were worried about venom-saliva turning her vampy then putting tab P into slot V owuld be even more likely to vampify her? So I guess they would use a condom but then we know they don't since she gets impregnanted with demon spawn.

SO. MANY. CONTRADICTIONS

Think about it.

A normal ejaculation may contain anywhere from 1.5 to 5 milliliters. Adult ejaculate volume is affected by the amount of time that has passed since the previous ejaculation; larger ejaculate volumes are seen with greater durations of abstinence. (A hundred years... Eddy should have been pouring out gallons, no wonder Bella's preggers!)

So, the amount of tears released in a 24-hour period is about equal with a smaller-than-average ejaculation, which takes course over the span of about 17 seconds. A condom is thinner than a contact lens, and made of much more delicate material. One drop of pre-ejaculate would have melted right through and vamped her, unless they were using condoms made of lead. Though knowing Edward, they would have been made of solid gold- protection and sparkle in one easy step!

Oh well, the condoms weren't really the point.

Anyways... Since the amount of saliva present in even a very wet kiss is probably less than the amount of semen the average male ejaculates. If she could have been vamped from swallowing a minute amount of saliva or from having a cut in her mouth, then she definitely would have been turned by sex. After all, not even AIDS can be transferred by kissing.

Which brings us to Smeyer saying her vampires don't have venom-tears, yet their contacts magically melt from...venom-tears.

Quote:

A fluid similar to the same venom lubricates their eyes so that their eyes can move easily in their sockets. (However, they don't produce tears because tears exist to protect the eye from damage, and nothing is going to be able to scratch a vampire's eye.)

I don't know if my point still stands or not.

Later she goes on to say that venom is lubricant between their rigid cells

Their venom is lubricant between their rigid cells...what the hell? I mean, does that work at all? That's how vampires can move and still be diamond hard (innuendo not intended, but enjoyed). That doesn't make sense. Things are soft/rigid based on chemical bonds n' junk, if a lubricant is powerful enough to loosen these bonds, then it wouldn't be the same substance, no bonds would form and vamps would be liquid jello crap.

Do you want to be a shiny vampire? Drink Astroglide! It'll slide in between you cells and make you vampire hot! Actually, it'll make you vampire cold.

Dead cold.

A new question they can add to IQ tests: Stephenie Meyer is to venom as George Lucas is to midi-chlorians

Medical Fail the eighth

I don't know if this has been mentioned/explained anywhere, but it confounds me that Carlisle keeps getting work. As an esteemed DOCTOR. You know, they type that has to prove education or past work experience in order to land a job. Sure, I guess it's thinly plausible to assume that Jasper's paper forgers mentioned in Breaking Dawn just manufactured him new documentation every twenty years or so, but what the hell did he do before then? Repeatedly change his identity and ace medical school again and again?

Which leads me to another huge thing that bothered me.

They use their REAL names every time they move to a new location?

Seriously?

But then if we had to borrow on the author's creativity regarding their former identities, we'd have heard about the ever so clever pseudonyms of Tedward, Alex, Casper, Rosalyn, Jemmett, Mesme, and Darlisle Sullen.

How do the Cullens even get into a new school? When I transfered schools, I need to have my birth certificate, school transcript, social security number, and proof of vaccinations.

Sure, Carlisle could always fake the vaccination thing, but what about the other things?

Medical fail the Ninth,

OK, so anyone remember when Alice (?) described why Jasper's powers work on Bella? Because he slows the blood-flow and actually calms the body, and it isn't a mind-thing. Then how the hell does it work on vampires? Meyer has said repeatedly that vampires don't have heartbeats. If they don't have heartbeats their blood doesn't flow. And if they don't have a blood-flow then how does Jasper's power slow it?

Or is it that Jasper's power affects the hormones or whatever. Like accelerated production of endorphins and the like to affect emotions. But even that doesn't make sense. If vamps are frozen in time, can those things even be produced? No, as only fluid in their bodies is venom. So no hormones for them. But, hey, this is a Meyerverse, logic has no use there.

Okay, so lets get our science on and think about his logically. If Jasper effects their blood stream, then that person is in for a whole world of trouble.

When someone is scared or anxious, the Sympathetic Nervous System kicks in with the whole "fight or flight" response: increase in blood pressure, heart rate, heavy breathing (which would include more blood flowing throughout the body as it prepares you to either run or fight), etc. This is completely psychological, it is not physical at all. The only way to turn these reactions off is to activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System, since that's what calms the body down.

So, there is no way that Jasper would be able to calm someone down simply by slowing down the blood flow in their body. There is more going on besides that that would have to be stopped before they are calm. His power would have to include a way to activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System in order for it to even work at all.

Now, I could be completely wrong on this, I'm not too clear about his power, but if I've read what's been said on here correctly, then Jasper's power really doesn't make much logical sense... and really wouldn't work at all.

- I would think messing with your blood flow when you were already is a panic state would probably make it worse, not better, as your body tries to get blood pressure back up where it's supposed to be.

- Even if it did work that way, Jasper's abilities are supposed to be much more extensive than calm/agitated. If he's going to make someone fall asleep in seconds (as he does in Twilight) it would have to either be considered a mental power, or be dependent on the ability to create hormones and control their activity. That is:

a) not how Smeyer says it works,

b) unlikely, since it might require him to instantly create hormones out of nothing

c) still wouldn't work on vampires

- Besides that, it's pretty clear that Meyer hasn't the faintest notion of what's "mental" and what isn't, since last I checked electric shocks to the arm are not a mental attack.

Medical Fail the Tenth,

Bella goes through nine months worth of pregnancy in a month?

The uterus is tough, but it goes through a lot in a normal pregnancy. It wouldn't have had time to grow, and it would probably end up stretched to the edge of tearing by the time Eddie and Bella leave the island, certainly by the time Bella is about to give birth.

Then we have Renesmee the super baby, kicking hard enough to break Bella's pelvis. So maybe normal babies have been known to crack ribs, but they did it after the uterus has had months to grow and stretch.

Bella's would rip open like tissue paper. Also in a regular pregnancy you are supposed to be able to feel it stretching, yet somehow Bella reaches the point where she can feel the baby moving and starts to show without feeling anything.

Well, apparently something surrounding the baby is vampire-skin hard.

... I really have to stop going on about the whole Renesmee thing. I've attacked everything about it from conception to birth.

But it's so easy! Renesmee in general is just so STUPID. It's just so unbelievable. Gah! It makes me so angry....