"So he just upped and left?" Albus asked, balancing a vial on the end of his finger.
"Yes." Severus replied, snatching it away before the headmaster broke it. He sighed, looking puzzled. "I asked him about it, but he just said he needed some time to think."
"Hmmm," Albus ran a hand through his beard. "Maybe he saw something that unsettles him, something he didn't expect to see."
"I don't think it was that." Severus said, "He reacted to the sound of the doorbell, not something he'd seen. At least I don't think so." He started to roll the vial between his hand and the desk. "He looked quite shocked." He creased his brow.
"Did he say who was at the door?" albus was sitting on the edge of the desk now, swinging his legs back and forth in a very juvenile manner.
"No," Severus replied, still frowning, "He said he didn't know."
"Yet still he reacted."
"I know." Severus sounded puzzled, "Which makes me believe that somehow he did know, that the subconscious part of his brain where the memory is locked recalled the events further than Harry could reminisce, meaning that his base emotions would react without even knowing why. Almost like a gut instinct."
Albus pondered over Severus' words, legs still swinging. "You usually go to Harry's parties, couldn't you remember anything?"
Severus looked at the headmaster, and shook his head slightly. "He doesn't even know when it was. He said it was recent though." He looked as though he was thinking. "It couldn't have been the last one though, he said Ron was there, and he's been out of the country for at least a month and I don't know much about the one before that, it was two months ago and I arrived late, so I can hardly be of any help. Our only hope is that Harry remembers some smaller details, the date maybe, see how far back he's remembered."
The headmaster nodded. "So where is our Harry this evening." He asked, sliding of the desk and sorting out his robes.
"Up in his rooms," Severus replied, settling down to write something, "I think Hermione is round."
"Ill leave him be then, go refill my lemon drops or something."
Severus declined to make a remark to that comment and set about writing a list and process for the next trial of Harry's potion, his quill scratching across the paper in a comfortably familiar notion. If he started on the next stage soon he could maybe have the final product by tomorrow night, if he were lucky. He'd just pulled over the paper with Harry's blood results when he became aware that the headmaster was watching him. He looked up. "What?"
Albus looked a little affronted by Severus' demand. "I was just wondering how you were?"
"I'm fine, why?"
Albus looked away for a split second, "It's just that…" his voice softened, "I'd noticed that you and Harry were becoming quite close, that maybe you'd become quite attached to each other."
Severus looked down at the paper, trust the headmaster to ruin his working mood. "It doesn't matter." He replied in a defeated tone. There was no point in denying it, he was after all, the great Albus Dumbledore and could smell gossip a mile away, which, Severus thought, was the only reason Albus worked in a school.
He was still looking at him, with that infernal concerned and sympathetic glint in his eye. He made an irritated noise, "Seriously Albus, what!" he slammed his quill down in vexation, slouching back in his chair. "It doesn't matter any more okay? Anything that could or may have happened is out." He scowled at the desk, "He probably didn't see me that way anyway." He said sullenly.
"See, that's where I think you're wrong." The headmaster enthused, rounding the desk to crouch down by Severus. "He thinks the world of you." Severus rolled his eyes, "No really Severus, I don't think you see the way he looks at you."
"Of course I see the way he looks at me Albus." Severus muttered irritably.
"But you don't see how he looks at you when you don't see him." The headmaster looked at him squarely, "Severus, I honestly believe that there could be something there."
"Don't be so bloody stupid." Severeus retorted, he felt almost angry at the headmaster for messing about with his hopes, yet he still couldn't deny the way his heart thudded in his chest.
IVIVIVIVIVIVIVI
"So you just upped and left?" Hermione asked, her face incredulous.
Harry looked at her, "Well yeah, it was a bit of a freaky experience to tell the truth." He said, affronted.
Hermione groaned, "You should have stayed, seen if you could find out anything else!" she folded her feet up beneath her where she sat on Harry's sofa.
"I was a bit wigged out thank you very much, I didn't exactly want to stay and mull it over. Not with him there." Harry glowered and slumped into the armchair, throwing his feet onto the coffee table.
Hermione tutted disapprovingly. "Oh really, what did that have to do with anything?"
"Well, it's hard to concentrate when you're being stared at!" Harry said in defence.
"He's trying to help Harry." It was amazing how Hermione could sound like she was both telling you off and trying to comfort you at the same time.
"I know!" Harry cried in exasperation, "There's just something….odd about him!" he caught her look, "I just can't get used to him being…oh I don't know, nice!" he didn't care that he sounded petulant, in his mind and after all he'd gone through he deserved a few selfish moments.
"Well if you just gave him a chance then maybe…"
"Agghhh!" Harry shouted, "Can we just change the subject please!" he slouched back into moody silence while Hermione stared at him.
"Okay." She said smoothly, "Then maybe you could tell me your feelings about what you saw."
Harry sighed and flopped his head back. He didn't really want to talk about that either, but he conceded that maybe it could help. "I'm still not sure what to make of it myself." He admitted, "I mean, why a doorbell, i've never reacted to the doorbell going." But then, he'd never really had a reason to while living at the dursleys, no-one ever came to visit him, and no parcels ever came. And then, even at Hogwarts, it wasn't as though there were a giant doorbell on the castle gates. It must be a recent development. "I must have just been excited because of the party." He reasoned.
"Yeah, but you had parties all the time, it wasn't exactly a new thing for you."
Harry pondered this, he'd thought it over a lot since leaving the house. It must be someone he knew, either that or he got really excited about pizza delivery.
But that feeling. It was incredible, he was sure what it was. Well, as sure as he could be, he'd had crushes before and could remember that feeling when they walked in the room. But this had felt like so much more. Harry really doubted that he'd been with someone before the accident, if he had then where were they? It must be somebody reasonable close to him, for him to be waiting their arrival.
"Hermione?" he ventured eventually, "Have I ever said anything about…having feelings for someone?" he felt himself blush a little.
Hermione looked a little surprised and non plussed, "Not that I know of, you've never mentioned anything to me." She offered, not really helping Harry in the slightest. "You think it's someone you like then?" she asked, a slight smile playing at the corner of her lips.
"Well, it must be." Harry said in exasperation, "Why else would it feel like my stomach were both trying to fall out my body and crawl up my throat!" he tipped his head back again and stared at the ceiling. It was a very uncomfortable experience, knowing you felt for someone but having no clue as to who it could be.
"Well, if it helps, you looked a little close with Syria not long back, but I think that's probably because she's Quidditch coach at the uni." Hermione offered.
Harry frowned, "I don't think it could be her anyway, I just get this odd sense of knowing … oh I don't know, I can't even begin to describe it."
"Well, i'm sure it will come to you in the end." She reassured, tossing her hair back over her shoulder. "Besides, maybe they feel the same way and will come by, you never know."
"Maybe." Harry agreed quietly. He sighed, thoroughly depressed with the whole situation.
It was quite for a while and Harry debated whether or not he should light a fire so that he could have something he could pretend he was concentrating on. Then he decided that it wouldn't fool Hermione.
"So, have you remembered anything else?" she asked hopefully.
Harry looked over at her, "Not a jot." He said, "Which is very disappointing, you'd think that if id remembered one thing I would remember others."
"Yeah, but you were asleep last time, maybe that's when your mind is more susceptible."
"You're probably right," he flashed a smile at her, "As always."
She smiled back, "Well I do like to keep up my high standards." She spurred into action, "And on that note, I should probably leave, let you get some rest and hopefully some memories back."
Harry stood and welcomed her hug, helping her with her coat. He offered to walk her down to the entrance but she declined, saying that she might pop in to see Minerva on the way out. He thanked her for her visit and stood at the door watching her walk down the corridor and around the corner.
He shut the door with a heavy heart, suspecting that sleep would be hard to come by this night, what with all the days events recycling in his mind. He took another lap of his living room, picking up the same photos and knick knacks in the vain sense of hope. But there was nothing.
IVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVI
It turned out that there was only so much time one could spend staring at the wall and eventually boredom had prompted Harry into action. He swung his cloak around his shoulders and waved vaguely at the brick near the door to turn the light off.
The castle was quiet now, all the students having gone to bed or safe within their common rooms leaving Harry to walk peaceably around the corridors. He moved quitly past familiar tapestries and pictures, all of whose occupants were resting in their frames, (apart from a very rowdy picture of drunken monks). He reminisced about all the times he'd wondered the corridors when he was a student, invisibility cloak pulled up firmly around his head, listening with all his might for mrs Norris or Peeves. A ghost of a smile flickered across his face at the thought before his stomach wrenched, remembering that it was all over, no more midnight excursions and the rush of getting caught.
It was unfair, he thought bitterly, how his life had been snatched from him in so many ways. He'd never had a childhood, and his teenage years had been blighted by the ever mounting pressure to kill a madman, and now this, an entire chunk of his life… missing. And what seemed to be some his happiest years if anything the others had said had anything to go by.
He sighed dejectedly and mounted the stairs to the astronomy tower, doubting but still cautious as to whether he'd find an out of bed couple at the top of the stairs. He almost grinned at the thought. Even so he was a little surprised to hear voices as he opened the door, and nearly turned back to offer them some privacy (or at least some time to get themselves together), but realised soon enough that the voices didn't belong to students at all.
Leaning against the turret were Snape and Flitwick, the latter was halfway down the ladder he had been using in order to see over the wall. Both turned upon hearing the door open.
"Oho! Harry my boy!" Filius cried, finally reaching the floor, "I didn't expect to see you up here tonight, thought you'd be tucked up in bed by now, not like us insomniacs, eh Severus?" he shot a grin at the other man, who inclined his head slightly, an amused look on his face.
"I was just on a bit of a wonder." Harry explained, "It's alright, I'll be off." Motioning over his shoulder.
"Oh don't be silly, no need to leave on our account." The professor said cheerily, "Although I'm afraid to say I'll be heading back now, essays to mark and all that!" he beamed up at Harry and patted him on the arm as he walked past. "Ill come by your office tomorrow for that Severus." He called back, giving a little wave, Harry missed Snapes affirmation as he watched Flitwick amble out the door and shut it behind him.
Leaving him with Snape.
Harry turned slowly, conscious with every fibre of his body that the man was watching him. He stood to face him in the uncomfortable silence. Snape said nothing. Harry gave him a feeble half smile and shrugged a little, almost as if he were apologising for his lameness. He stood for a few more seconds before he gave in. "Ill be off then." He muttered, backing away to the door. He'd almost reached the handle when he spoke.
It seemed almost as though the world had stopped spinning.
"You don't have to hate me anymore Harry." It was spoken quietly and with a sadness that Harry had never imagined he would hear in that voice.
Again he turned. Snape was leaning, arms folded, against the stone turret, his head bowed as he spoke to the wall. Harry was struck dumb, almost tempted to say 'I don't hate you', in the instinct for denial but he knew that Snape would rebut him.
"We passed that, you and I," Snape continued, "Long ago."
Harry noted that he sounded tired, making him wonder what had drawn him out this night when it was clear he should be resting.
"Id heard that." Harry replied solemnly. "But surely you can see things from my point of view." He hated himself as soon as he'd said it, sounding far too much like an annoyed child.
"I do." He sighed heavily and readjusted his lean on the parapet.
There was a heavy tension in the air, disturbed only by the gentle breeze coming in off the lake.
"I'm not sure you understand Harry," Snape turned to look at him, "Everything I am today, the person I am, the friends I have, it's all because of you. You befriended me and helped me when no one else could care." His stare intensified. "You're the first friend I've ever had…and you don't even know me."
It wasn't an accusation, it wasn't said with harsh demeanor or snide countenance. It was a simple statement of loneliness. Harry hung his head, unable to look the man in the face any longer. He felt almost ashamed, guilty.
"I'm trying." Harry whispered, "I'm trying so hard to remember. Every waking moment I have to spare is hell bent on the thought of getting something back." He looked away.
"I know." Severus spoke quietly, "but maybe you don't have to try so hard, but so much pressure on yourself. You still have a life, you can fill in the gaps on your own."
Of course he was right, Harry thought, he was always right. He sighed and cautiously moved to lean against the wall himself, looking over the grounds. He could almost feel the relief coming off the other man in waves.
"So", Harry said slowly, looking snape up and down. "Apparently, You're my best friend." He smiled a little, at the absurdity of the sentence, one which he never thought he would ever say.
Severus smiled too, but looked away. "Some say that." He said softly.
"Have I?" Harry asked, curious.
Snape seemed to pause, as though thinking. "On a few occasions, yes. Although," he looked at Harry "You were fucking pissed at the time."
Harry laughed despite himself, both at the fact that Severus had just swore, and the thought of himself staggering down the road drunkenly hugging everyone he met and declaring his undying love for them. Slowly his smile faded with the thought. "But why though." He caught the way he looked at him, "I mean, we hated each other. What changed?"
Snape sighed, "I think it was because I was the only one who could understand you." He offered, reaching into his cloak. "I was the only other person who could possibly know what you had gone through, having been so deeply involved myself." He patted the other side, looking for a pocket. "I remember the first time you came to my office after you came back. You screamed at me for the longest time." He smiled a little at the memory.
"And you didn't chuck me out?" Harry asked sceptically.
"To be honest Harry, I couldn't be arsed. Id just been through hell as well and was still coming to terms with the concept that I was free too."
It seemed he'd found what he was looking for, he opened it and held it out to Harry. Who looked at it.
"I smoke now do I?" he asked with dark sarcasm.
Snape shrugged, "Sometimes, usually when you're stressed, so I figured you could use one." He shook the packet again.
Begrudgingly, Harry took one, hoping it would take away the annoying angsty feeling that was furled in the pit of his stomache, which now he thought about it, could have been withdrawal. So it was a good thing Severus had mentioned it because Harry could have been going out of his tree for something he didn't know. Good thing he wasn't a crack addict then really, he could have died.
He lit it and took a drag, sucking the hot, prickly air back into his lungs. It was much different to the ones he had smuggled out of Dudleys room when he was thirteen, the ones he'd smoked at the park when he'd been made to go to the shops. This was black, and tasted slightly of mint, and didn't make him cough so hard he thought he was going to lose a lung.
"I think you were surprised that I didn't throw you out," Snape carried on, "That I actually listened to your rants of betrayal and lost time. You screamed and you shouted and you cried until all you could do was just sit and stare at the fire." He looked at Harry who was staring resolutely at the wall. "I don't think anyone else had let you do that, just let you let go. Everyone had spent far too long trying to calm you down, I don't think they realised that in order to do that you needed to lash out first. And I let you. And you knew that. You must have come to my office nearly every night for the first two weeks just to shout at me. But then you changed, and you sat calmly across the desk, and you spoke to me and told me all your troubles, and in time you let me speak to you, let me help you."
His sentence died in the night air and left it's weight upon Harry. It almost seemed obvious.
He took another drag, and another, enjoying the smoke in his lungs, lost in thought. Another drag, until he'd smoked down to the filter and followed the example shown him and flicked the butt over the wall, watching the twinkling light as it disappeared into the night.
"Did I ever say thank you." Harry asked, after they had been silent for a while.
"What for." His voice as dark as the night.
"For letting me shout at you." He glanced over at Severus who was pondering over the tree line.
"I can't remember." He replied softly. "It was years ago." There was a depth to his words that Harry couldn't comprehend.
"Well." Harry said quietly, "Thank you anyway." Severus acknowledged him with a nod of his head but said nothing. "I should probably go." Harry muttered, "It's late."
He pushed back from the wall and headed to the door, pausing a moment to look back at the other man who still stared out at the darkened sky. Harry almost felt like he should say something, but felt that somehow, it would be inappropriate. Instead, he quietly opened the and slipped onto the stairs. Leaving without a word.