Sorry for such a long delay, i got totally stuck with this chapter and work and social constraints have been really sapping my time lately, but it's okay, i'm a bit more focused now.

thank you all for sticking by me and writing such wonderful reviews (i'm still getting them for 'at the end of all things'!) love you all - milgarion

"I feel like shit, Mione." Harry said, leaning over the back of his chair and scrubbing his face with his hands. Hermione peered over the top of her book and raised an eyebrow at him when he righted himself.

"He's only doing this because I fucked up." He collapsed onto the table. "I shouldn't have said anything." He said morosely.

"I thought you wanted him to help you?" Hermione asked him sharply.

"I do, but not for those reasons, Christ, I practically blackmailed him into it." He let his body go lax, slumping in the chair in the most ungraceful position imaginable.

"Doesn't that hurt?" Hermione asked him, staring at him pointedly.

"Like you wouldn't imagine." Harry said shortly, but made no move to sit up, "I'm the worst person in the world aren't I?" he questioned the ceiling airily.

"No you're not." Hermione said, standing up and pushing Harry forward so that he was right in his chair. "You made a mistake," Harry looked up at her dolefully, "Fix it." She walked into the kitchen with her mug. When she came back out, Harry hadn't moved, was still staring at a coffee ring on the table.

"Look," she said, picking up her coat and pulling it on, "I have to go home, but I'll come round tomorrow after work, and we'll carry on with this then."

Harry looked over at her and shook his head, "Ah, don't worry, I'm taking up all your time as it is, Niall must be getting ticked off." He ran a hand though his hair.

"Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be watching the match down the pub tomorrow so I'll be free anyway, besides, I won't stay long, you need to take a break as well." She fastened a couple of button on the front and tied her hair up.

"Okay." Harry conceded, she smiled at him and kissed the top of his head as she made her way to the door, Harry pretended to grimace and waved her away but inside he was thankful for the way she mothered him sometimes.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She called back just before the door shut behind her.

The house seemed suddenly devoid of life without her there, so quiet. Harry stood from where he sat at the table and took his mug into the kitchen where he washed it and sat it next to Hermione's on the draining board.

Harry was caught. He needed to do this, to get his life back, but he felt terrible at the way he'd gone about it. Why had he said that? He knew Severus didn't want to do it, to inflict him any harm. Hell, he should have listened to him from the start, after all, his opinion mattered more when it came to potions. What did Harry know!

He shook his head, first thing tomorrow when Hermione came round, he would ask her to apparate him over there so he could tell him. To sort this whole sorry mess out, he didn't want Severus making a decision based on whether or not he felt Harry would ever see him again.

He dried his hands on a cloth and went to the front door, turning the key in the lock. He knocked off the downstairs light and climbed the stairs to his room where he drew his t-shirt over his head and cast it in the direction of the washing basket. It hit the lamp.

But if he asked someone else to do it, then where would that leave them? The whole point of asking Severus was so that he could spend time with him, to settle the ache in the pit of his stomach when he wasn't around, but without the research, he couldn't do that.

He glared disapprovingly at the mirror, who only glared back. "What do I do." He asked himself quietly. But his reflection held no answers for him, he was on his own. He finished pulling off the rest of his clothes and turned on the shower, waiting for it to warm up before getting in and closing the door. He stood there for some time, hands braced on the wall and head bent so that he had to press his eyes shut to stop the water getting at them.

It was hard, not to imagine that the warm trails winding down his back were not something else, deft fingers skating lightly across his skin. Harry turned his head so that they wound around his neck, what would it be like to be touched by him. He shook his head, scattering his thoughts with the water.

It was too hard.

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Hermione came round just after six thirty, which was good, because the Simpson's had just ended and there was nothing else on to amuse Harry. He'd told her about his plan and his thinking, earning both a disapproving and a sympathetic look but she had promised to take him over after they had finished up writing an appeal to the guild to let them have the journals. Hermione said it would help their case if he signed it personally, to show his approval and willingness of the research. Once it was written, rewritten, then written again, and finally signed they pulled on their coats.

"Are you sure you want to go over, I could just drop this off if you want." Hermione offered.

"No, I'll be fine. Just drop me off at the apparition point and I'll take it up myself."

"Sure you don't want me to come up?"

Harry shook his head, concentrating on the zip of his jacket. "I'll be okay."

"But what if he isn't in?" Hermione asked, wondering how he would get back if he were stranded.

"Then I'll wait." He said, eyes wide at her, "If you don't hear from me in the next two days, come find me." He added sarcastically. She rolled her eyes at him and sighed.

"Well, come on then."

She waited for him to gather his keys and the envelope that the appeal was in before they let themselves out, walking a short distance down the road before they came to a small area of garages that no one used, they ducked out of sight at the far end and apparated.

Right into the middle of a summer rain storm

Hermione screamed and Harry gasped. The torrential rain soaking them in a matter of seconds. Harry struggled to thrust the envelope into his thin jacket before zipping it right to the top and pulling up the hood. He took a look at Hermione who was doing her best to pull her hair out of her face.

"Go back." He called out above the sound of the rain.

"But what if he's not in, you'll get soaked!"

"I'm sure he'll have a porch!" Harry sighed, "Now go back."

"You'll be okay?" She asked him with concern.

"Yes!" he said, exasperated. "Go!"

"Okay," she looked about herself, "I'll see you soon." She gave him a grimace and a wave before she popped out of sight.

Harry sighed, wiping at his face with his sleeve, he looked over towards the house and started to run towards it, wondering why Severus had to have wards a mile from his house.

Hermione was right. He wasn't in, or he couldn't hear the door that Harry had been banging on for the last fifteen minutes. He sighed mutinously and wrapped his arms around himself in an effort to keep warm. He reached into his jacket and pulled out the envelope that was a bit soggy, pushing it halfway into the letter box, he then unzipped his jacket and hung it on the door knocker out of the rain. He figured he had a better chance at staying warm out here if he didn't have a soaking wet jumper on. The air was still warm, but rapidly cooling in the rain, Harry wiped at his eyes again and stepped closer back towards the door, underneath the over hang, his eyes scanning the drive up towards the main road for any sign of the other man.

After shivering for another half an hour, Harry decided to take a chance at looking around the house, maybe Severus was in a place where he couldn't hear the door, maybe he had music on, anything. He left his jacket and the envelope on the porch and set off around the house, peering in windows and hoping to God that none of the neighbours saw him and decided to call the police. He covered all the first floor windows, had looked in the empty stable and had a small fight with a hydrangea, all to no avail. There were no lights on and it was beginning to get dark. Harry looked at his watch, maybe he'd had plans, had gone out to dinner with friends, visiting relatives. Why was he stupid enough to presume that Severus had nothing else to do than wait around for Harry to come by. He hefted himself over a stone wall and threw himself into a rather deep puddle on the other side. Cursing all manner of deities he squelched back to the porch.

Where he found Severus standing calmly beneath an umbrella holding his jacket.

"What!" Harry flustered. Taking hold of his jacket when it was offered to him. "I…err…what!"

"I heard you round the back of the house." Severus said patiently, "No doubt fighting off the hydrangeas," Harry raised his eyebrows at him, "So I thought I should wait, I figured you would be round in a minute."

Harry let out a non committal grunt, shuddering at the onset of trench foot.

"How long have you been waiting?" Severus asked softly, opening the door and ushering Harry inside.

"Nearly an hour." Harry said, trying hard not to sound pissed off.

"I'm sorry," Severus upturned the umbrella and slid it into the stand by the door, "Had I known you were coming, I'd have tried to be back earlier."

"Oh, I just came by on the off chance." Harry said vaguely, pushing the hair back from where it stuck on his forehead. He looked about himself, wiping as much water off himself and shivering until he couldn't help but turn and challenge the stare being aimed at him. "What?"

Severus raised and eyebrow, "You do know you're a wizard, right?" he said slowly, trying hard not to smirk.

"And?" Harry said, feeling exasperated. Severus pulled something from his pocket, a small jet of light issued from it and suddenly Harry was dry.

Harry closed his eyes in mortification and denial. He really was very dense sometimes. He lowered his head and did everything he could to avoid looking at the other man whom he knew was smirking at him. "Thank you." He muttered, still shivering from being cold for too long.

"Come through." Severus said lightly, taking Harry through the entrance hall and off to one of the side doors that led to the sitting room, he took Harry's jacket from him and placed it over the back of the chair where Harry sat down. Despite the summer heat, a small fire burned low in the grate, most likely to keep the temperature even on unsettled days like this. Harry turned towards it, relishing the heat that soaked into his jeans.

"Drink?" Severus asked

"Please." Harry nodded back, "Coffee, if that's alright."

Severus noted the way Harry was sat and hid a smile, nodding, "You want me to Irish it up a bit for you?"

Harry didn't know whether to glare or be grateful, "Yes please." He said sweetly, fully aware of what Severus was smirking at. The other man left, leaving Harry alone by the fire, the rain lashing against the windows still. It all lent to a very tense air, making Harry feel like he was trapped in the path of an oncoming storm. And with that thought, an ear splitting rip of thunder tore the air asunder, startling Harry so bad that he nearly fell from the chair. It was instinct to get up and go to the window, pulling back the soft drape of lace to look out on the grounds being hammered with rain.

Lightning hit the ground not far away, on the other side of the forest and as it did so the lights dimmed.

"Here." Harry jumped again, but took the mug that was being handed to him, the strong vapours melting off the surface doing wonders to warm him. "That was a loud one." Severus remarked, taking a sip and following Harry's line of sight out over the grass.

"Thank you," Harry took a sip from his mug, eyes closing for a brief second, "It's damned close too."

"Hmmm, I saw the lights dim." Severus replied quietly in the darkening bay. Harry eyed him with a questioning frown. "Magical fields and electricity." Severus reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." Harry muttered, thinking that one day he may finally learn that. Slowly he sat down on the padded bench in the window bay, his eyes still on the rain as he sipped his drink. "Look, Severus," he said quietly after some time, when it was clear the other man wouldn't, "I'm sorry about the other day." He kept his eyes firmly on the mug in his hand. "I didn't mean to put you in such an awkward position, you don't have to do this if you don't want. I understand."

Severus said nothing for a while, the silence stretching out between them like a taut string, Harry shifted uncomfortably and dared a glance up at the man still standing. Severus looked calm, the rain on the window creating shadows that ran across his face, twisting and winding over his arms as he casually finished his drink.

"Severus?" Harry said softly, finally wondering whether he'd actually heard him.

"I went to speak to the board members of the guild today." Severus said quietly, rolling the mug in his hands, his gaze still fixed upon the grounds. "They say I can have the research, but I'll need a written research plan, signed by myself, you and a witness. They also require you to come along and undergo a psychological examination." He cast Harry a quick glance, "And for the love of God, don't mention to them anything about any emotion you have for me."

Harry was slightly taken aback. "They're approving the research?" he asked.

"Not quiet yet, as I said, you have to go through the examination. If they believe there to be any sort of negative influence or ulterior motives of either yours or mine, access to the work we need will be rejected." He stepped back from the window and placed his cup on a small table, dropping himself into the chair, he fixed Harry with a level stare.

"You don't have to do this." Harry said quietly, noting just how tired and defeated he looked.

Severus said nothing, just turned his head to look at the fire.

"Severus?" no response, "Severus, just tell me, just say you don't want to do this and I'll find someone else."

"Who will you find?" Severus questioned quietly, the lights flickering and dimming as another bolt of lightning scorched the air.

"I don't know." Harry confessed. He stared at Severus, "You don't want to do it, do you?" he asked.

Severus brought his hand up to his face, rubbing at his eyes. "It's not that I don't want to do it. It's that I don't trust anybody else to."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but…"

"It's not about sentiment Harry," Severus sounded slightly frustrated, "In the wrong hands, this research could kill you, Christ; in my hands it could kill you." He let his hand fall to the arm rest, he turned and looked Harry in the eye, "Do you really think I could stand aside and let someone else take your life in their hands."

Harry let his gaze fall, a heavy feeling in his chest, guilt roiling in his stomach. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "All of this is my fault, I just want to be whole again."

Thunder rolled over head, the storm right above them now, so that when the lighting struck just a couple of seconds later the entire house was plunged into darkness, a couple of lights flickering vainly to keep themselves alight. The last of the noise melting into the darkened air.

"You will be." Severus said quietly, looking about the place and getting out of his chair. "If you'll excuse me for a moment." He said walking towards the door.

Harry watched him leave then turned his attention back to the window. In a way he was glad that Severus was adamant on being the one to undertake the research, because Harry really had no idea who he could have gone to. But the guilt was beginning to make him feel sick, moreover was the thought of this psychological examination. One wrong answer and it would be over anyway.

Severus returned a couple of minutes later, a large church candle in one hand and a box in the other. Harry watched as he opened it, more candles spilling out, lighting each one and placing them around the room. Harry would have asked why he didn't just relight the lights but finally his brain kicked into gear and for once and for all he remembered that magic and electricity didn't mix. He felt himself smile a little.

After that last candle was lit, Severus motioned him over to the table where Harry sat and eyed a large stack of books suspiciously. "Since you are here," Severus said, "We may as well get started on the plan." He smirked ever so slightly at Harry's groan of disapproval.

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"Come in Mr Potter."

Harry seated himself in the stiff wooden chair facing the desk where three of the board members were sat. There were a few minutes of silence as the three of them looked through their notes, occasionally glancing up at Harry with mixed feeling. Harry cleared his throat quietly and shifted, daring to smile slightly at the woman who had just shot a look at him.

"Mr Potter." She said sharply, her eyes still scanning the pages in front of her, "This is a very dangerous thread of action." She looked up at him, her thin glasses perched carefully on the end of her nose. "Why do you wish to undergo this potentially life threatening procedure?"

Harry was a little shocked at the manner of her interrogation, he'd never quite thought of it like that. "I wish to regain my memories." He said simply. "And I can find no other way of doing so."

There was a succession of scribbling in notebooks. "I understand Mr Potter, that you were previously being treated by St Mungo's, why did you stop taking this medication?"

"Because I believed it to be ineffective. It was a potion that helped in the creation of new neural pathways, not the reparation of old ones."

"Did this treatment help you to recover any lost information?"

"I did regain a couple of memories, but these I have put down to circumstance and coincidence."

More furious writing.

"What other methods have you looked into, I see you cancelled your counselling sessions after only one visit, may I ask why?"

"Because I wish to regain all my memories, not just fleeting glimpses. I was also told that counselling could only really help me come to terms with memory loss, not cure it."

There was another stretch of silence while they all wrote.

"Mr Potter, are you aware of the substantial risks and side effects that a procedure like this could cause."

"Not entirely," Harry replied, his tone slightly waspish "As I haven't had an opportunity to read the journals yet."

The woman looked up at him and Harry reminded himself that he needed to remain calm in order to get through this.

"Mr Potter, would you care to explain why you have chosen Professor Snape to examine the research?" Harry couldn't help but notice the clipped voice.

"Because I trust him." He said solidly, noticing the sly looks they gave each other as they wrote down what he'd said.

"And what is the nature of your relationship with the Professor?" she asked, pen poised.

"We are friends and colleagues." He said, trying hard to keep his tongue in check.

"Despite your recent memory loss Mr Potter, are you aware of Professor Snape's current reputation?" Harry frowned slightly at the odd look in the woman's eye, staring at him as though dying to tell him herself.

"I'm not sure what that has to do with anything." Harry said, the woman looked slightly triumphant, "But yes, I am fully aware of Professor Snape's current reputation." Her expression fell. "But unlike most people," he said before his brain could tell him not to, "I can tell the difference between truth and idiocy." She did not like that, and for a moment Harry was worried he had blown it. But the examiner gave him a funny half smile.

"Are you aware Mr Potter, that should this procedure go awry, The Professor will face trial by peers, and if found guilty will receive a substantial sentence to be served out in Azkaban prison."

Harry was not aware of this, and he felt that no matter what happened, he was going to be facing struggles all the way. He dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his face and wondering idly how Severus' examination was going.

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"You are fully aware of the risks of this procedure Professor, why are you so willing to allow Mr Potter undergo this treatment?"

Severus wasn't getting it any easier.

"I am not willing." He said, his temper barely controlled, "I have told you that Mr Potter approached me."

"If you are so unwilling then Professor, then why are you doing this. You know as well as I that there are others who could be interested in a case such as this."

"Because Mr Potter has asked me, as his friend."

"Should friendship become priority over capability?"

"I believe that I am capable of taking on this research."

"Many others would disagree."

Severus clenched his teeth. "What matters is what Mr Potter wants."

"Is Mr Potter aware of other possibilities, other researchers?"

"I'm sure he is, he took it upon himself to pursue this line of enquiry."

The examiner paused for a moment, looking at Severus critically. "What do you hope to gain from this?"

Severus frowned, "I hope to help Mr Potter regain his memories." He said, but his voice held a question, as though daring the man to say what he was really asking.

"Of course," the examiner said flippantly, "But what do you really hope to gain. It seems odd that a man such as yourself, with your reputation, would be willing to take on such a dangerous procedure, with such a high profile client, and seek to gain nothing from it."

"Mr Potter and I have been friends for quite some years now, and colleagues for even longer. I believe we may have reached a stage where he would prefer me, a friend, to take him on rather than a stranger he did not trust." Severus felt his voice rise.

"You are very protective of him Professor, is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"I am protective of all my friends." He replied firmly, hating the smirk that graced the other mans lips.

It would be a bloody miracle if they were allowed to get their hands on the journals.