Well, I have finally dared to take up the mantle left by my dear friend. As most of you know, this story was left uncompleted quite a while ago know when Adrienne died, and has been sitting on the shelf for quite some time. Well, I shall tell you it has broken my heart whenever reviews come in, asking for a continuation. It pained me to think of this story unfinished when Ady cared so much about it. So if you will let me, and give me the chance, I would like to try. I may not be as prolific, but I certainly knew her style (I had to, she bugged me to beta read!!) so I hope I can do her some amount of justice.
Milgarion Beta
The rattle of the letterbox had Harry up and out of bed in record time, taking the stairs two at a time, at a speed that could quite easily break legs he stumbled to an undignified halt just short of the front door, yanking that mornings post from the letterbox. Hastily he flicked through them, carelessly casting them to the floor. Six letters, all neat, white envelopes with plastic fronts, all muggle.
Harry dropped the last letter to the pile that had been growing there for a couple of weeks. It was the same routine he went through every morning, just waiting for any kind of confirmation, even if they said no at this point it would be a relief, just to stop the agonising wait.
With a frustrated sigh he turned to the kitchen, feeling mutinous with himself. He always tried to rationalise with his brain, talk himself out of a sulk but it never worked, the adrenaline from such an early and explosive start would generally keep him nervous and agitated until at least midday when he would sink into a mired state of melancholy.
He set about making something to eat, if only to keep his mind occupied, a task that never actually worked. It felt as though an age had passed since he had sat in the examiners rooms, nearly two hours of questioning had felt like years and left him with a guilty sinking feeling. Although by all means he hadn't had it as hard as Severus, who had the entirely reasonable assumption that the panel were against him. Though they all had their doubts as to the success of their meetings, they had decided not to voice them, but carry on with the belief that given some time the Guild would come around.
They had gone their separate ways, with Severus retreating to his house in order to start setting up and preliminary research and testing, something that would look good in the eyes of those more friendly to their plight. He hadn't seen Harry at all until two weeks later when he had requested he drop by so that he could start taking samples of blood, hair, and all manner of things. Harry had gotten the distinct impression that something was on the other man's mind, they hadn't spoken much since they had first agreed to undertake their course and with each passing day Harry felt more and more guilty for their prolonged silence, but equally unable to figure out how to end it. There was a definite awkwardness to their encounters, an undercurrent of things unsaid and cut off glances which harry felt nervous just thinking about.
It was as though an argument had taken place, that they had said things to hurt one another and were both too stubborn to say sorry. But Harry knew this was not the case, it was just that they were both hopelessly meant to be with each other and that he had royally screwed things up by asking for more time, and had done nothing with it. And it had gone on long enough that he had no clue how to broach the subject, or in fact get passed the awkward, stilted conversations.
It wasn't even as if anything had changed, his stomach still lurched, and his heart beat raced whenever a stray thought of him ran through his mind, his dreams were still plagued with visions of him, and vicious bolts of jealousy and envy shot through him at the sight of any couple, or picture, hell, any TV advert. It was a madness that was slowly driving him insane.
He made himself a bacon sandwich which he took out into the garden, focusing on the warmth of the sun for a while before feeding it to the cats that peered hopefully from around a fence post. He chewed on the corner of the bread for a while contemplating that evening.
Hermione had invited him over for a barbeque, a chance to get out of the house, she had said. He had spent the last couple of days wondering how he could get out of going as he thought himself particularly bad company as of late, in fact, even she hadn't graced his doorway for at least a week, not that he could blame her. But the more and more he thought on it, the more he felt himself a little lighter. It surely would do him good just to get out for a couple of hours, in his house he had developed a slight state of cabin fever and listlessness, and besides, if he went he could at least apologise to Niall for stealing his wife at every opportunity.
He tossed the bread down on the floor, idly wondering if cats ate bread, only for it to be devoured two seconds later by a passing magpie. He stood up and brushed himself down, sending the pack scattering into various hiding holes. Back in the house he contemplated his day, he still had hours until he could reasonably be expected to call round Hermione's, so he threw some clothes on and made his way out of the door and to the station.
His re-familiarisation with London had seen him half heartedly scouting the local area and some of the main shopping areas in the city, so today he aimed for the park, trying not to notice how stuffy the underground was, or how many people were trying to cram their way onto the train, he spent the journey with his head crammed at an angle trying to read the article on the back of a newspaper held two inches from his face. It was with an extensive relief that he reached his destination, near enough running up the steps into the glorious sunshine, he meandered the streets until he reached St. James's.
His relief and the smile on his face were genuine when slowly he sank himself down onto one of the benches that lined the path. This was his place, his London. On a beautiful day, with the sun beating down and a gentle breeze that cooled his face as he watched the world go by. He passed the time by watching the ducks, the children, the children feeding the ducks, and the ducks chasing the children. His eyes happily skated past the couple sat on the bench to his right, dismissing them as not there before they rested on the apparently tame squirrels, which were running rings around the tourists and earning themselves quite a few treats.
His thoughts were interrupted by the unfamiliar and frankly unsettling feeling of his mobile phone vibrating in his pocket. Fighting with his jeans he eventually pulled it out, staring at the number that was flashing up on the screen, he frowned and answered the call. "Hello?"
"Harry, its Severus." Despite the slightly dodgy reception, his voice still sang, dark and hypnotic from the other end of the line, and Harry's through suddenly tightened, his chest clenching painfully.
"Hello." His voice was quite, and he almost stammered as he hurriedly forced himself to calm down. He cleared his throat.
There was a slight pause at the other end. "Are you alright?"
"Yes! Er…yes." Harry flustered, hating modern technology and the ability to completely throw him off his game. "Sorry, you just surprised me, that's all."
There was another pause, which Harry felt the need to fill. "It's just that no-one ever rings me, you see." He explained.
"Oh, right." Harry was almost glad to hear that Severus seemed to be having trouble handling the start of this conversation too, but it only served to remind him why that was. "Well, I shan't keep you long, I just wanted to let you know that I received a letter from the guild this morning stating that they are prepared to release the research."
A flood of emotion ran through him, "Really?!" he gasped, his stomach turning over as he pressed the phone closer to his ear, he felt the grin spreading across his face. "That's…that's fantastic!" he laughed.
Perhaps his relief was contagious; because he was sure he could feel the tension in the other man's voice ease away. "I suppose you could say that," He said, "But it still won't be released for another couple of days, and we will all need to go and sign for it, but it's definately a start."
Harry closed his eyes. "I don't even know what to say." He felt himself laugh; the sheer relief that ran through him was euphoric. "That's amazing news."
"Well, it certainly sounds like it's cheered you up." Severus said softly, and Harry's heart ached at the timbre in his voice.
"It has." He paused, not really knowing what to say and regretting that he were not here to tell him in person. The silence dragged on, made infinitely more uncomfortable by the fact that Harry couldn't see his face, couldn't guess at what he may be thinking. There was a sigh at the other end of the phone. "Well, I should probably let you…"
"Severus?" Harry heard himself falter as he interrupted him.
"Yes?"
Biting his lip, he carried on before he could let himself back out. "Hermione is having a bit of a get together tonight."
"Yes, I know, she did say." He sounded imperceptibly sad.
"Are you coming?" Harry felt a fresh burst of nervousness bloom through him as he waited anxiously for a response.
"I thought about it." Severus admitted, "But I'm not sure."
"Oh." The way Harry's stomach dropped was sickening. "Right." He paused, very aware of the silence at the other end. "It's just, well, it would be kinda nice to just relax, you know. We've all been so tense for ages, it seemed like a nice idea, and…"
"Harry…"
"It's, just, now you've told me that as well, I thought that…"
"Harry?"
"Yes?" he stopped, red faced at his rambling.
"I'll see you tonight." His body seemed to freeze and he could only listen as the end of the line went dead. Slowly he breathed and thumbed at the red button on his phone as he smiled, swallowing at the dryness in his throat. He felt himself laugh again, but for an entirely different reason.
IVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVI
Predictably, Harry was the first to arrive, but it was more to Hermione's relief than ire, owing to the fact that Niall had invited more people that they honestly thought would show up. Harry spent the next two hours helping out with potato salads, cutting up rolls and hunting around for things to prod the coals with. She was fairly ecstatic at the news about the research and spoke with such vehemence and articulating that it took half an hour just to make a salad.
"And he said he would come tonight?" She asked, wiping her hands on a towel as Harry finished telling her about his earlier conversation with Severus.
"Well, he said he would see me tonight, so I guess that means he is." He said, shrugging his shoulders and helping himself to another beer. "He said he hadn't been sure though" his forehead creased into a frown, and Hermione could tell that he was blaming himself for that fact.
"I'm not really surprised." She said softly, noting how Harry looked up at her, she doubted the puppy dog eyes were on purpose. "Things have seemed a little up in the air for a while, I would say you know what he's like but…" She waved her hand. "He's one of those people Harry, he's naturally unsure, especially when it comes to people. Society in general has pushed him away for as long as he can remember, even now, despite all of us who love him, I think he still finds it hard to believe. And now he's even more lost without you." Harry looked down at his bottle. "I'm not blaming you of course, but just think back to how it felt at school, when any of us argued. Without each other, we suddenly felt very lost and alone."
Harry nodded, continuing to pick at the label on the glass. "I suppose your right, its just…. This feels like so much more than that. I mean…. Oh, I don't know."
"You told each other how you feel." She said softly, "That's not an easy thing to do at the best of times, but given the circumstances, of course things would be harder. You've both laid yourself bare, and you feel awkward and vulnerable. You have to trust each other, you especially. But Harry," she laid a hand on his arm, making him look up. "I wonder if perhaps you losing all this was a good thing, you can be free from the pain, free to actually start something new, something fresh. God knows you deserve it."
"I know." Harry muttered, "There's just a part of me that thinks it would be unfair, for both of us."
"Are you seriously considering it?" she asked, her voice quiet and mindful of the fact that one of Niall's friends was ambling back and forth through the house.
"I don't know." He answered, his voice lost and distant. "I don't know what to think, or what to do. There's a part of me that wants nothing more. I don't know why, but I'm terrified."
"Why? It's not as though he would reject you."
"Wouldn't he? I'm not the same anymore, I've changed, what if that would be too much. What if I'm not the person he wants anymore, I don't know how to be for him. All I can feel is this, stupid bloody pressure I've put on myself. And the more I think of it, the more my mind rebels at the idea." He paced the bottle down hard on the counter and ran a hand roughly though his hair, his breathing fast.
"Whoa, calm down." Hermione replaced the bowl of salad she had just picked up and tugged Harry's hand away from his hair. "Just relax, you're over thinking things, your being too hard on yourself." She ran her hand up his arm. "Just, try not to think about it too much, enjoy the night. And remember, its only ever you who decides anything, ever. Okay?"
Harry peered out the window into the sunlit garden. "Okay." He nodded, releasing a pent up breath. He caught her worried glance and cast her an easy smile, "Thank you." He said warmly, and picked up his beer. "You want a hand with those?" he asked, pointing at the stack of dishes.
Conversation over, he helped Hermione take everything out to the heaving tables round the back where Niall and a couple of his work friends were stoking the coals on the barbeque.