A/N: Thank you all for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and alerting! Most fun thing I've written in a while. I even laughed myself at a couple lines.

Lucifer flinched when a pregnant woman began to waddle towards him with the look in her eyes and he quickly grabbed Chloe to use her as a human shield. They were back at the obstetrician's office on this slightly rainy Tuesday and it seemed the human incubators were out full force, little nightmares in tow. "Oh my Dad it's eating that fake plant," he gaped, gobsmacked. Dropping his head to whisper in Chloe's ear he asked, "Is that what they normally eat?"

Turning and jerking back at his close proximity she shoved him away. "I'm not your body guard! Get out of my space and no that's not what they eat. It's a human Lucifer, it eats food you dumbass." Maybe he was raised in a cult or in a basement, or under a rock. The last one seemed the most likely.

He followed her closely to a seat, bumping into her but jumping back before a wild right hook could catch him. Settling in next to her he looked around, hands wrapped around the arm rest. "Are you quite sure about the food thing because that one's eating paper."

"Pretty sure," she replied distractedly, flipping through a magazine.

He didn't look entirely convinced but let the issue go. His leg bounced up and down in boredom and nerves, the last time he had been here he had been physically abused and almost murdered. When Chloe's hand slapped down on his thigh he smirked, "A little higher darling."

Her grip tightened to bruising, fingernails digging into his flesh, but her attention never left the magazine. "You sure about that bud?"

"It was a joke," he laughed lightly, wincing at the pain before whispering to himself, "Sort of."

It was quiet until Chloe began to laugh after reading an article on cravings. "The other day I almost ate a piece of chalk. It looked really good. The orange one, purple looked gross."

"Of course, who would eat purple chalk?" he agreed with a shrug before adding, "I wouldn't share that tidbit with other people."

Her eyes suddenly widened. "We haven't talked about names. What are we going to name the baby?"

"I thought they came with one?" he asked, crossing his legs and entwining his fingers over his knees. "You're telling me people actually choose to name their children things like Apple and Blanket? Do they just look around and point to an object and say, 'That's it! We'll name it Potato because it'll be lumpy! Except the P will be silent'." He began to laugh, his chuckles turning to true humor after a moment. Seeing a child walking by he pointed, still giggling. "You! What's your name?"

"Chlamydia. My mom said it's a flower."

Lucifer was crying, tears rolling down his face as he held his stomach, trying to stay quiet to not upset Chloe. "A flower," he cried as the child walked away. "She thinks it's a fucking flower! Do they call her V.D. for short?"

Chloe had to join in, she didn't think she had even seen him laugh this hard and she decided she liked it. He looked so much less intimidating, so much more human than he seemed to act sometimes. She held the magazine up to her face and laughed into it, snorting which only made both laugh harder.

It took a while for both to calm down, Lucifer wiping at the droplets on his cheeks and still chuckling, Chloe trying to not melt under the glares of all the other people in the waiting area. "That was- that was great. You humans never cease to amaze me."

"Chloe?"

Both looked over to an older nurse with a clipboard fixing them with hard stares and followed her into the office, Lucifer leaning against the wall with an easy smile after such a good laugh while Chloe's weight and blood pressure were checked. She'd been wearing very loose and flowing tops to work to hide her expanding waistline so Lucifer was left very unprepared when she unzipped her jacket and tossed it on the chair next to the scale.

He was stunned at how large she was, well not large, but rounder than she was the last time he had seen her stomach. Her tank top was snug for once and when she removed her jacket everything was on full display, her amazing assets and her very obvious belly. It seemed to come from nowhere, her still very slender frame suddenly jutting out before curving back in. He had the overwhelming urge to poke it.

"Don't freak out on me now, we're not even in the room," Chloe grinned, catching his attention.

He couldn't muster a smile, just followed her and was fascinated that her belly seemed to disappear from view when her back was turned. It was like a magic trick and he had to peek over her shoulder to make sure it was still there. The entire thing was strange, and that was coming from someone who created demons.

Settled in the room Chloe noticed his eyes still staring directly at her waist. "What?" she laughed.

"It's-" he tried. Holding up his hands he moved them around in various movements, trying to convey what he was terrified to say for fear of retribution.

"Yup. I popped a few days ago."

His hands froze and he looked up in horror, "Popped? Are you trying to upset me? At least you didn't say puffed."

She had to count to ten, first time today so they were actually doing pretty well. "It means I started to show more, that it's obvious I'm pregnant and not just thick around the middle."

He hummed and stared wearily at her stomach as if expecting a small Leatherface to burst out with a chainsaw and attack him.

Chloe beckoned him over and grabbed his hand, placing it over her stomach. She watched emotions fly over his face in quick succession, his eyes still filled with trepidation but after a moment he seemed to relax a bit and moved his hand, applying light pressure. "Fascinating."

It really was. She knew the biology behind it but it was still amazing to see it happening, to know that you were essentially building a human being that would have it's own thoughts and mannerisms.

While Lucifer inspected her belly she kept her eyes on him. Should they give it a try? No he wasn't the most morally righteous person out there and he did seem to have some mental issues that needed dealt with but he made her laugh, liked her for her mind just as much as her body, and was right here beside her despite being able to throw money at it and make it go away. He had an ignorance about him, an almost child like innocence when you caught him with his guard down, and it was that version she wished she could see everyday. Although his inappropriate mischievous side was a ton of fun. It really was the whole package that made him who he was.

Deep down she knew why she turned him away; she liked him too much to lose him. If she gave her everything, put it all on the line with him and he betrayed her or let her down it would devastate her. He was too involved in her life, she needed him there and if it fell apart he would be gone. Plus she had the baby to worry about now. There was much less of a chance of freak out and desertion if he was just a part time parent, not even a parent but just a man that got to see the baby when he decided he wanted to. If everything could be perfect though, she'd love nothing more than to be with him and raise this child in a good setting. Instead she would probably end up a single mother with an alcoholic baby daddy. Such is life.

"Stop poking it!"

Lucifer jerked his head up, pointer finger still lightly jabbing her. "Why?"

She slapped his hands away, "Because it makes me feel like I have to pee again and don't ask why. It's my stomach."

Dr. Rollins entered the room and after seeing Lucifer his eyes flew to Chloe's hip to look for her pistol. Seeing it wasn't there he relaxed and smiled in greeting. "Chloe. Lucifer, I still can't get over that name," he laughed before clearing his throat uncomfortably at the tall man's narrowed eyes. "How has everything been going?"

"Fine," Chloe answered. "Everything feels good and normal."

Lucifer listened to the detective's conversation with the doctor and watched him measure her. What were they measuring, he thought only men did that sort of thing? There was a joke about watermelon seeds from Dr. Rollins and he skeptically looked to Chloe who rolled her eyes and mouthed, no.

She really could have prepared him more, explained what they were going to do and how it would look but she really enjoyed watching him panic and for once not act like he knew everything. The lights were turned off but Lucifer looked relaxed, he always did have weirdly good vision at night, until the baby showed up on the monitor.

Chloe, just as before, smiled widely at the proof of life and the outline of a head and body. That was her baby and she sniffed as a few tears left her eyes. Damn hormones. This little being inside of her, the unexpected surprise that the universe had thrust upon her, was the next chapter in her life and even though it was scary it was exciting too. She already loved it.

Lucifer however was not amazed at the sight and did not cry or smile. He leaned forward with eyes narrowed until pointing and asking ever so eloquently, "What is that?"

"The baby Mr. Morningstar," the doctor laughed.

The Devil continued to point to the screen. "That is not a baby. I don't know what the hell that is. It's not even a demon, I'd know."

Chloe sighed. "Ignore him, it takes a while for things to get through his thick skull. Does everything look good?"

"How can it look good?" Lucifer cried. "It's like an owl pellet! There's just parts thrown everywhere. The hell Chloe?"

She burned him a look. "Yeah Lucifer, I suck at baby making. I shook my belly like a magic eight ball and it mixed everything up. Sorry."

"Uh ma'am?"

His eyebrows rose. "Well what the fuck did you do that for?"

"You know what? I don't want you in here, you go away," she ordered, pointing to the door.

He crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, "No! It's just as much mine as it is yours."

Chloe clenched and unclenched her fists. "Except I know it's a baby and you think it's a regurgitated dead animal!"

"Would you like to know the gender?" Dr. Rollins interrupted loudly. Why did these two have to come to him? There were so many obstetricians in this building yet he had been the lucky recipient of the most dysfunctional human beings he had ever met in his entire life. God help this child.

Lucifer looked to Chloe and shrugged before nodding. "Yeah," she answered, their argument vanishing in an instant.

"Any guesses?" the doctor asked.

Lucifer groaned loudly. "Just tell us so we can stop looking at the bloody thing, please. I'm going to have to eat at some point today."

Chloe counted to twenty-five, just to be safe. "I think it's a girl, he thinks a boy."

It was quiet until the doctor smiled. "It's a boy."

Lucifer smirked, "Told you." His smirk slid a little though because if it was a boy there was a good chance it wasn't fully human since there weren't female celestial beings other than the originals that existed even before he did. Old hags. Every child of Heaven was a son which led him to ask, "Does everything else look normal?"

Chloe smiled to herself. A boy. She could almost picture him; dark black hair and light green eyes, strong features and long limbs. He'd be the perfect mix of she and Lucifer; intelligent and strong, outgoing and persistent. She was brought out of her pleasant musings by Lucifer's tone and cocked her head wondering why he asked that question with emphasis on the last word.

The doctor moved the probe around to try to ease whatever fears this man had come up with now and paused, eyes squinting. "Actually-"

"What?" Lucifer demanded, tensing and grabbing the edges of the plastic chair tightly.

The Dr. looked at him and bit his lip, shaking his head. "I'm not sure how to say this, but the baby- It has horns."

Chloe burst out laughing, Lucifer looking murderous, the two humans not noticing the spark of red in his eyes.

"I'm sorry sir, I had to. Really though, everything looks normal and healthy. The baby's on point for size and other than a slightly increased heartbeat he's completely normal."

Dread covered his face, he had an increased heartbeat.

All angels did.