" – oof – " He tumbled to the ground in a poof of smoke, flipping over himself once to land on his back with his arms and legs sprawled around him at awkward angles. Feeling slightly disoriented, he lifted his head up to examine his new surroundings. Bright green grass. Colorful mountains and overgrown foliage. More. Fucking. Frog statues.
"The hell?" Dave wondered aloud, getting to his feet and brushing a few crumbs of dirt off the back of his pants. Twice in the span of twenty-four hours. Twice he had been randomly uprooted from his current place in time and space only to be dumped in another area with no warning whatsoever. He supposed he should be used to it by now – with Jade constantly summoning him whenever she wanted to hang out – but still. It was annoying. And incredibly random.
So. What else is new? Dave's subconscious pointed out. Would his life ever not be random? Evidently not.
The misplaced blond sighed melodramatically as he began to aimlessly wander this new jungle. It reminded him of LOFAF after all of the frost had melted – warm, large unidentified colorful plants, the occasional ribbit and the hum of insects. It was oddly soothing.
However, Dave's moment of reminiscence only lasted for a few seconds before his mind pulled his thoughts back to the strange occurrence of a few moments ago. He was just walking through the streets, minding his own business after having finally found a village when suddenly he was tackled by a screaming orange blur. The way the teen's eyes had widened after scrambling up from the ground only to point a finger at him and exclaim in a strangled shout "It's you!" only added to Dave's confusion. He had been about to respond with something clever when he had suddenly been poofed away, yet-a-fucking-gain.
Them's the breaks.
Dave absently wondered where the rest of his friends were.
And, while lost in his thoughts, he proceeded to trip over a root and tumble face-first down a hill.
Shrubbery – 1: Gods – 0.
"Fuck!" Dave exclaimed with all of his usual godly discretion as he burst through the leaves and exploded into the clearing at the bottom of the hill. Sputtering angrily, the knight lifted himself up from his oh-so-dignified position in the dirt, only to come face-to-face with a bright yellow mass of slimy skin. As his gaze travelled upwards, he realized there was a head attached to the yellow lump, with two clear amphibian eyes and a smile that could rival his best friend's when it came to dopiness.
"Gamakichi looook ~" It said in a singsong voice that did not match its body. "It's Father! Fukasaku was riiiight ~ Father has arrived."
"What? Lemme see?" Another voice responded, this one's voice suspiciously resembling a New York accent. Or was it Bostonian? Dave wasn't sure. Said god waited with wide eyes as an orange hunk of slippery frog-meat came into view. "Whoa no kidding." The toad said, taking in Dave's crumpled appearance.
Finally, the young man found his voice. "Talking frogs." He said, trying to stand as coolly as possible. "I'm… honestly not even surprised at this point."
"Frogs!" The orange one shouted as if he were insulted.
"You're really him!" The yellow one said, excitement in his eyes. "It's you!"
"Why do people keep saying that to me today? Did I cure a disease I'm not aware of? Did I get blackout drunk and borrow large sums of money from a bunch of people? Am I a wizard, Harry? I mean, damn. You would not believe the day I've been having."
The orange one continued to look annoyed. "Who're you calling hairy? We clearly don't have hair. That's what makes us amphibians. Stupid mammals…."
"No, no it's you." The yellow one insisted, still looking awestruck. "You're him. The protector of our species! Father Time. I can feel it!"
"Oh." Dave's shoulders sagged. "Yeah. That's me I guess. 'sup?"
The yellow one practically squealed in delight – a noise Dave really didn't think amphibians should be capable of making. "Did you hear that brother? It's him! Gamamaru, The Great Sage was right! I mean he's always right but this time he was reaaaally right! Father Time is walking among us on Mount Myoboku! Do you think that means Mother Earth is coming too?"
"Wait a second. You're actually saying you're Father Time?" The dark orange one looked skeptical.
Dave hesitated for a minute, then shrugged as if deciding 'What the hell?'. "Yeah. Sure. That's me I guess."
"I feel a strong natural pull towards you. Are you sure you aren't using a jutsu on us here? Because if you are there will be hell to pay. That won't fly with the elders."
"What in Satan's blistering buttcrack is a jootsu?"
The dark orange one was looking at him like he was insane. The yellow-orange one still had that dopy awestruck expression on his face.
Gamatatsu giggled. "Father is a funny man!"
"Uh… could you call me Dave? That's my name: Dave. I ain't nobody's father."
"Nice to meet you Dave-father! I'm Gamatatsu!" The yellowish dope said happily. "And this is my brother Gamakichi!"
"Idiot!" Gamakichi said, knocking the yellow one on the head. "Why'd you tell him our names? What if he's lying? What if he's using The Honorable Geezer's prophecy to get close to us for his own agenda!"
Another voice greeted the three from the direction Dave had fallen from. "Oh he's not lying." The two bickering toads and the god whirled around. A smaller, wrinkled green amphibian with a cane hopped out of the jungle.
"Fukasaku-sama…" Gamakichi said, a bewildered expression crossing his face as the elder came forth from the underbrush.
Meanwhile, Dave felt the need to make a different point. "Toads." He said gesturing to Gamakichi and Gamatatsu. Then, he pointed to the elderly toad's rather prominent eyebrows. "Hair." He stated simply.
If Gamakichi were less bewildered, he would have given Dave a murderous look. Fortunately for the blond, the toad was preoccupied trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. "Lord Fukasaku, what do you mean? You know he's telling the truth?"
"Why yes." The toad fully emerged from the clearing. "I know because I helped summon him here."
"What?" Gamakichi asked.
"I second that." Dave said, addressing Fukasaku. "Do you know what's going on? Because I sure as hell don't. I could use a rundown of the situation. Any explanation would be nice, really."
The old frog simply chuckled. "You're different than I expected, Father. But then again, does one ever truly know what to expect from the divine?"
"Uh…"
"Follow me and I'll explain what I know." Without another word, the Sage Toad flopped around and started hopping back in the direction he came from.
Dave stood rooted to the ground for a moment, in contemplation. To follow wrinkly amphibious Yoda, or not to follow wrinkly amphibious Yoda? He asked himself. What do you have to lose?
With that in mind Dave shrugged again and took off after the toad into the forest, the other two toads hoping along side him.
"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" Naruto exclaimed in a rage, the burglar he had been chasing moments ago in a fit of chaotic justice completely forgotten due to more recent events. Such as accidentally tackling a man who fit the description of the person they were looking for perfectly and then watching him disappear in a poof of smoke.
Just then, Guy rounded the corner, a bright pink handbag handing from one hand and said burglar unconscious and slumped over his other shoulder. "Aha! Looks like I have defeated you, my rival's most passionate pupil!"
"DID YOU – HOW DID – BWUH?!" Naruto with his usual verbal prowess, exclaimed in frustration as he gestured to the place Dave had only just disappeared from.
Guy gave Naruto a quizzical look before Kakashi rounded the corner from the other direction, speaking politely with a frazzled looking elderly woman. "My bag! Oh thank you Mr. Shinobi-san!" The woman said as she caught sight of Guy, who turned his attention to her and away from a very distressed looking Naruto.
"I assure you it is no problem, ma'am! Haha! It it my duty and my honor to aid helpless civilians such as yourself in their time of need!" Guy handed the woman her purse and continued to have a rather loud conversation with her, while Kakashi walked over and placed a hand on Naruto's head.
"What's got ya down, kid?"
"I found him!"
"What?"
"I. Just. Gah!"
"Take a deep break – what happened." The elder demanded, lone black eye boring into Naruto's blue ones.
"I was chasing the burglar, ya know? When all of a sudden – wham! – I smack right into some guy on the street. It was him I swear it was! He matched the description perfectly. But as soon as I figured it out poof! He was gone in a little puff of smoke!"
"A shadow clone, maybe?" Kakashi suggested.
"No I – maybe? – but I don't think so. If it was a shadow clone, why break the jutsu right before he was about to say something?" Naruto said.
"Well, either way this means we're getting close."
POOF
A figure appeared out of nowhere, landing unsteadily on his feet before falling over backwards. "Fuck! Again? Really?" He exclaimed in irritation, throwing a fist to the sky. "Damn you frogs!"
Both Naruto and Kakashi stared blankly at the figure at their feet, whose vulgar screaming had caught the attention of both Guy and the elderly woman.
"That's him." Naruto said. "That's the guy that just poofed away."
"Yeah he fits the description." Kakashi agreed.
The elderly woman muttered something about young people these days and their filthy tongues before thanking Guy once more and turning away in a huff.
"Ahem" Guy cleared his throat and walking over to his comrades, as Dave picked himself off the ground.
"Do you happen to be Dave of the Lalonde clan?" Guy inquired assertively.
The blond boy's expression did not change. "No. I'm Dave. Of the Striders. How the fuck do you know my sister's name?"
"Wait I'm confused." Naruto said. "He's the Dave that Rose was talking about right? But they don't have the same last name…?"
"Okay this just got weird. Not that things weren't weird already but you know what I mean." Dave said. "You met Rose, huh? How'd that go for you?"
"She broke into my house, demanded I take her to see the Hokage, and when she heard about the fight that happened in the woods last night, insisted that you were her brother and that we should go seek you out for her." Kakashi said, deadpan.
Dave snorted. "Oh yeah that sounds like some pretty standard Lalonde bullshittery for ya. So where is the flighty broad anyway?"
"She's back at – "
Guy's response was cut off by Naruto. "Wait I don't get it. You're Rose's brother? You're a god? You took down Lord Orochimaru? By yourself."
"Who's Oral-chi-mazzo?"
"Orochimaru. The snake guy in the woods who attacked you…" Naruto said.
"Oh yeah him, man that guy was hella smug. If smug were a country he'd be fucking president, obviously voted into office on account of his supreme smugness out-smuging all the other smug douches in that (probably pretty terrible because smug) smug nation." Dave responded quickly, amazingly without getting tongue-tied. "What'd you say his name was, again?"
"Orochimaru."
"Got it, Aroma-ru."
"No, no. Orochimaru." Naruto said, looking at Dave with perplexion.
"That's what I said."
"No it isn't."
"Okay suddenly I don't care. Why don't you tell me who you are?"
"Well," Kakashi started, clearing his throat. Dave was very different from Rose. He was much more informal and somewhat vulgar in his word choice, whereas Rose was eloquent and very composed, like a business-woman. "I am Kakashi Hatake, this is Might Guy and Naruto Uzumaki. We were assigned the mission to bring you back to the Village Hidden in the Leaf by the Fifth Hokage herself. Your sister is waiting for you there."
"Hmm. Only half of those words make sense to me so obviously I'm totally sold on that story, bro. As long as you don't try to kill me I think we're good. Where is your Village anyways? Or can I not know that because it's 'hidden'?" Dave said.
"Wait you're completely fine with going with us without any evidence or anything?" Naruto speculated, squinting at him. "Your sister gave us this note to give to you to prove that it's really her and its safe and everything. Do you at least want to see it?"
Dave shrugged. "I mean sure; I'll take a look at it. But yeah I trust you guys. You just have trustable faces I guess and so far none of you have pulled a freaking knife on me so that's points in my book. Besides, if need be I feel like I could get away from you pretty easily, no offense. But yeah, lemme see that note from Rose."
Naruto looked at Dave incredulously before handing him Rose's letter. Dave took one look at it before frowning intensely and making a noise deep in his throat that was somehow a cross between a growl and a groan in frustration. He huffed indignantly and muttered under his breath "god fucking dammit, Rose."
"What did it say?" Naruto couldn't contain his curiosity at Dave's reaction to the letter, while Kakashi elbowed him roughly in the shoulder.
"That's not really our business, Naruto." Kakashi gave him a stern look.
"Eh, that's alright." Dave said, handing the letter back to Naruto. "Here knock yourself out."
Naruto wasted no time taking a look at whatever it was Rose had written. It was one word, scribbled in elegant purple.
Puppets
"Puppets?" He inquired. "You have a strange relationship with your sister don't you?"
"Man, you really just don't want to know."
"Okay then." Kakashi said, getting back on task. "So you're coming with us then?"
"Yeah I'll come. S'not like I have anything better to do I basically woke up in the middle of the fuckin woods, found this town, and was like fuck yeah I'm just going to kick around here for a while. To be honest I was waiting for some standard nonsense like this to happen. It was only a matter of time before Rose found me on account of her dumbass seer bullfuckery and our weird twin telepanonsense. So yeah I'm coming with you."
"Great we already booked a – "
Kakashi was interrupted, yet again, by a very curious Naruto. "Wait you and the Seer are twins? What's your title anyways?"
"We're twins of sorts. Alcohol mom gave teen ecto-birth or some shit. Turns out the baby was us. And I'm the Knight of Time." Dave tapped the symbol on the center of his shirt. "This is my aspect symbol it represents Time."
"Oh. Hmm." Naruto nodded thoughtfully.
"Are you done?" Kakashi asked.
"What me? Yeah I think so!" Naruto said enthusiastically.
"Alright, then. Dave we're heading back into town where we booked a hotel room. Tomorrow morning we'll set off to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It's only half a day's journey away."
"Sweet. I'll follow you then."
"Excellent. Naruto, Guy, shall we?"
"Riiight let's go, Kakashi!" Guy took off running in the direction of their hotel. Kakashi sighed, Naruto frowned.
"Lee's not even here."
"Here, ma'am these are all the documents I could find on our figures of myth." Shizune said, handing her mistress a large black tome. "It was hidden away deep in the records building. A document I found said the book had been dug up during a mission about one hundred years ago and then transcribed into our language from some other ancient tongue."
"Thank you, Shizune." Lady Tsunade said, calmly taking the book, looking unfazed despite the tome's massive girth. "Any word from Kakashi in pursuit of the Seer's brother?"
"Not yet."
"Hmm."
Shizune looked at her mistress in worry as Tsunade sipped her tea in thought. "So… what happened with Neji and Rose? Weren't you going to have him get a reading on her chakra? You never mentioned anything to me about how that went."
"She doesn't have any."
"What?"
Tsunade put down her cup and looked up from the tome. "I said she doesn't have any. Neji seemed highly disturbed after examining her with his byakugan for only a few moments. When he returned he said that she does not have a chakra network and I don't just mean an incomplete one like you'd find in people who aren't shinobi. I mean she has no network at all, as if she were a different species entirely. What's more unsettling than this, though, is that he said he felt a different sort of energy. He could not see it, but he could sense it building over the point of the sun symbol on her shirt."
"She has no chakra network." Shizune said uneasily. "What… does this mean?"
"Unfortunately, it means there's a chance she's telling us the truth about who she is." Tsunade grumbled, exasperated. "I don't even want to know what that paperwork would look like."
"You think she might actually be a goddess?"
"It's the only explanation I've come to. I might have to assign a team to do some further investigating but I'm not entirely sure how to go about this or what to do. Shizune, I want Shikamaru in here the moment he gets back from his current assignment. In the meantime, I'm going to read up on our supposed mythology."
"Roger that."
"First the Akasuki are after Naruto and now this? I chose one heck of an era to be Hokage." Tsunade grumbled. "Alright, you're dismissed for the evening Shizune. See you tomorrow."
"Goodnight m'lady."
"Yeah yeah." Tsunade waved Shizune's polite goodbye away with a dismissive flick of her wrist. When the door had closed behind her she examined the tome she had been given with a sigh and added, "for you maybe."