Sakura hated this kind of work. Getting to train under one of the Legendary Sannin was great and all, but sometimes Lady Tsunade could give her the most trivial tasks. Sure she learned how to control her chakra to the point where she could focus enough of it to literally punch through solid rock, but she knew when her teacher was taking advantage of her apprenticeship. Like now, for example.
Sakura would rather be working at the hospital, practicing her chakra control, or even sparring to improve her level of taijutsu, but somehow she got stuck with the job of showing some mysterious new lady around the village. If she was being completely honest with herself, Sakura was curious about her assignment and the sudden appearance of the woman but still, she had a lot of training to do if she ever wanted to catch up with Naruto and Sasuke.
Rose was not what she was expecting. Sakura had anticipated escorting a powerful kunoichi from a neighboring village, or an important business woman – someone, anyone, other than what she got. Sakura had not anticipated the elegant wisdom that seemed to radiate from her person, nor the dangerous black lipped smirk enhanced by her stunningly lilac eyes. She had not anticipated meeting such a petit yet powerful presence, dressed in sunshine yet radiating cold intelligence. But most of all, she had not anticipated liking her so much.
Ms. Lalonde was refreshing in comparison to Sakura's usual company (ie. one loudmouthed blond idiot. Make that two loudmouthed blond idiots). Although at first Rose's snarky comments had thrown her for a loop, after spending a little bit of time with her, Sakura had grown to appreciate her verbal expertise, her wit, and most of all, her ability to insult nearly anyone without them noticing.
"Who is this, Sakura-chan?" Lee asked. They had bumped into him on their way to the training grounds and Lee insisted he walk with them.
"This is Rose. I'm showing her around the village for Lady Tsunade. Rose, this is my friend Lee." Sakura said.
"Pleasure to meet you, Rose! It's not everyday I get to walk with not one, but two lovely flowers!" Lee exclaimed.
"My, what a flattering thing to say. Sakura is lucky to have such a charming wordsmith for a companion. You must have all the young ladies practically throwing themselves at your feet just for the opportunity of being wooed by your aggrandizing encomium." Rose said, her tone indicating no insincerity but the curve of her black lips and the bored tilt of her eyelids suggesting otherwise.
"Yes ma'am! No woman can resist the temptation of Konoha's handsome green beast Rock Lee – oof!"
"Shut up, Lee!" Sakura said, roughly punching him on top of his head. "No woman can resist you my ass." She added with a mutter, rubbing her wrist in annoyance while Lee rubbed the spot on his head where he had been assaulted with the small girl's (surprisingly strong) fist.
"S-Sakura…." Lee whined.
Rose raised an eyebrow in amusement.
"Don't mind him Rose-chan. Lee can be a bit eccentric at times."
"I assure you he's no bother at all."
"Good." Sakura smiled, relieved.
Relieved until once again interrupted, that is.
"Hey Forehead!"
Oh god dammit, Inner Sakura barked.
Ino Yamanaka was barreling towards her at a fast pace, Choji walking more amiably in the distance, bag of chips in hand.
Great, Rose was going to think all her friends were nuts. And things had been going so well too.
"What do you want Ino-pig?" Sakura snapped as her friend came to a halt in front of her.
"Geez, is that a way to greet a friend? Anyway, Lady Tsunade needs you to bring the new girl back to her office." Ino explained, huffing in annoyance at Sakura's curt greeting.
"Already? I hardly showed her anything." Sakura questioned.
"Yes already! Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, and Guy-sensei have returned with the hot newbie - "
Rose raised an eyebrow at hot.
" – and she needs you back now."
"Guy-sensei has returned?!" Lee exclaimed out of nowhere, startling the other three women. "Excuse me ladies! It has been an entire day since I last saw sensei! Training simply cannot wait! I'm coming sensei!"
He sped off without any further preamble, nearly knocking over Choji (who had finally caught up to Ino) in the process.
"He's quite… energetic." Rose said slowly as she watched the boy disappear down the street in a green blur.
Ino scoffed.
Sakura muttered, "You have no idea."
"Well, we should probably get going." Rose cut in, already starting to walk towards the Hokage Tower. "Wouldn't want to keep your master waiting, would we?"
"You're Lady Tsunade? The way Naruto talked about you I thought you'd be, like, hella wrinkly and old but damn not at all your skin's like as smooth as a baby's bottom what the hell? Are you the one that's a god? 10/10"
Naruto gave an outraged cry.
Guy sputtered.
Kakashi looked worriedly between his filter-less charge and his Hokage, whose readied orders had fallen from her lips the moment Dave had opened his mouth.
"OI DON'T TALK ABOUT BAA-CHAN LIKE THAT"
"QUIET NARUTO I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!"
"BUT GRANDMA TSUNADE HE – "
"I'M NOT YOUR GRADMOTHER!"
Naruto grumbled irritably under his breath, shooting Dave an annoyed look and crossing his arms.
Lady Tsunade sat back down, clearing her throat and folding her hands in front of her mouth to regain composure. "Well then, now that everything's back in order. Let's get down to business. So you're – "
"WHAT? You're not even going to yell at him?" Naruto interrupted, clearly outraged by Dave's disrespect for his Hokage.
"Why would I yell at him?"
"He shouldn't say that kind of perverted stuff about you!"
"AT LEAST HE DIDN'T CALL ME OLD AND WRINKLED YOU LITTLE – "
Further argument was stalled by a sudden knock on the door.
"Yes, come in." Tsunade said, collecting herself once more.
"Am I interrupting something here?" Shikamaru asked as he lazily stepped into the room.
"Not at all, we were just getting started." Tsunade said as Shikamaru stood in line beside Naruto.
"Great. What's this all about then."
"Shikamaru. This is Dave Lalonde, his sister – "
"Strider." Dave interrupted. "Dave Strider. Please don't rope me in with the Lalondes I'm psychologically screwed enough as is."
"Fine." Tsunade said tersely. "This is Dave Strider. His sister Rose appeared yesterday in Kakashi's house, demanding housing and claiming to be a god."
Dave scoffed. "That is just like her. You know, this one time she – "
"I don't care. As I was saying, the two of them claim to be gods. We have been looking into things and…." Tsunade frowned, trailing off.
"And…?" Shikamaru prompted, eyeing Dave warily and not entirely sure what to feel about this 'god' thing? Was he being pranked? If so how did Naruto convince Lady Tsunade and Kakashi-sensei to go along with this nonsense. Guy-sensei he could understand…. But… he was thinking to much about this. Ugh. He had a feeling this whole ordeal was going to interfere with his cloud gazing time. What a bother.
"And I had Neji examine Rose with his byakugan this morning. She did not have a chakra network. Whatever these two are, it isn't human."
"Excuse me, I identify very strongly as human." Dave interjected. "I feel pretty human too, like, I ain't got no horns or weird tentacles so I'm pretty sure this is what is classified as human. If anything you people aren't human. What kind of normal human can walk on water and shit. Last time I checked you aren't Jesus and this isn't freaking Israel B.C. Do you feel like Jesus?"
"What's a Jesus?"
"Who cares. Point is, I'm technically a god and also a human and somehow I ended up here in the middle of your strangely progressive yet pre-industrialized village. So… 'sup I guess."
"You're so weird. How are you so weird? I thought I knew a lot of weird people how are you so much weirder than all of them?" Naruto asked no one in particular.
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"You really shouldn't."
"Agree to disagree."
"RGOIANGAJ!" Naruto groaned his frustration, wiping a hand down his face.
Tsunade just sighed, hanging her head in annoyance. "Naruto shut up. Anyway, Dave, your sister will be here soon. Then we can get started trying to sort all this out."
(read: I'm too sober to be dealing with this damn you Shizune for hiding all my booze)
"Wait, Rose is coming. Here. Now?" Dave cut in, looking slightly troubled.
"Yeeess, she is your sister. What, did you think you wouldn't see her?"
"Well not this soon. Damn, I'm not prepared for this. Okay, I just need to apologize in advance for my behavior when I'm with Rose. Just – sorry. It's gonna get out of hand, like, Naruto dude sorry, but you haven't seen anything weird yet."
"Great." Naruto said, so entirely done with Dave's bullshit.
It was at that precise moment that Sakura and Rose decided to burst into the office.
"Sorry shishou! Ino just told us you were waiting!" Sakura said as she entered, followed by a young woman in orange Naruto assumed to be Dave's sister. Sakura's eyes swept across the room, noting that it was getting crowded, before moving to stand at attention behind Lady Tsunade.
"Rose."
"Dave."
The twins greeted each other icily.
"well." Tsunade clapped her hands together. "Now that we're all here, let's get back to business." She pointed a finger at the two "gods" in question, who were currently shooting each other looks and seemed to have started whispering to each other rather immaturely. "Excuse me. Would you like to share with the group?" Tsunade snapped. She did not get paid enough – she did not get paid enough – where was her booze –
"No that will not be necessary. I would like to apologize for my brother, Lady Tsunade. He has the maturity level of a carapiece."
"Whoa. Excuse you don't bring the mayor into this. The mayor is a genius."
"True I did not intend to insult the intelligence of our small dersite companion – he is a true hero."
"Damn straight. Don't dis the mayor, Rose."
"I wouldn't dream of it. You, however, are another story entirely."
"Like that's news. Okay look." Dave turned and addressed the group. "This girl is a monster don't let her tininess fool you. She will do whatever she can to dig up all your psychological baggage and then use it against you just for her own sick amusement."
"Gasp! How could you say such a thing about your own flesh and blood? Dave, I thought better of you."
"Oh please, cut the bullcrap, Lalonde. You know damn well this is true. Strider don't speak no lies."
"That was terrible grammar. Also I'm pretty sure 90% of the things that come out of your mouth are lies. I have even written a small section detailing the possibility that you might be a compulsive liar in one of the many journals I keep analyzing your encumbering psychological pathologies."
"Well there's a section in my How to deal with Flighty Broads for Dumbasses manual on why you're full of snarky horseshit. Suck on that, Lalonde."
"Stop it Dave, you're clearly making everyone uncomfortable. Look around."
"Don't blame me for your horrible social skills."
"I'm the one with bad social skills?"
"Yes."
"Well I thin – "
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"I said no I'm not listening to you anymore lalalalalalala."
"Dave don't be a five-year-old."
"Who's going to stop me?"
"ENOUGH!" Tsunade snapped, silencing the back and forth banter that hand begun. She grumbled in irritation and slowly sat back down as silence spread across the room. "I have had ENOUGH of this ridiculous fight. I don't want to see either of you for the next month. Unfortunately, I have to assess your threat level and determine what I'm going to do with you before I no longer have to look at either of you for the rest of the day. SO, if the two of you could shut up for TWO MINUTES I think we can figure something out."
Rose scowled, Dave shrugged.
"FINALLY!" Naruto shouted.
"SHUT UP NARUTO." Tsunade snapped at him, causing the hyperactive blond to deflate a bit and start muttering under his breath. Kakashi patted his head soothingly. He was the only one looking amused.
"So are you two done?" Tsunade asked.
"Well I can't speak for him – "
"No promises."
Tsunade thunked her head down on the desk.
"Hey Rose is it just me or does she kind of remind you of Karkat?"
"Now's not the time, Dave."
"SO – " Tsunade said, leveling the two gods with an authoritative stare. "If we can get back to business, we have much to discuss."
"Yup."
"Carry on."
"Good. We need to figure out where you will be staying for your time here. Rose has spent a night on Kakashi's couch but we still need to find a place for you, Dave, and last time I checked, Kakashi's home wasn't a hotel. So we will also be relocating you, Rose."
"Sweg."
"As you wish."
"Sakura!"
"Yes M'Lady?"
"Would you mind opening your home to Miss Lalonde for the time being?"
"Not at all."
"Excellent. Naruto! You have a spare room. Could you – "
"What – no!"
"Excuse me?"
Naruto looked positively horrified. "I don't want him snooping around my apartment doing whatever it is he does! He's so weird! What if he – I don't know – "
"I don't care how weird you think he is you're going to give him a place to stay and that's the end of this conversation!"
"BUT GRANDMA TSUNADE – "
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT YOU IDIOT?!"
"WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM A PLACE TO STAY ALL HE'S DONE IS TALK MY EAR OFF ABOUT NOTHING!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE ALL THE TIME!"
"BUT AT LEAST WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HAS MEANING! I TALK ABOUT IMPORANT STUFF!"
"Like what, Ramen?" Sakura interjected.
A heated debate had started.
Dave leaned over to Rose. "Who's wasting time now?"
Rose smirked.
"FIIIIIIIIIIIIINE." Naruto said as their argument wound down.
Tsunade smiled, looking pleased with herself. "That's what I wanted to hear. Anyways, Rose, tell us what you have discovered regarding the search for your friends."
Rose scowled, looking displeased with the way she was being addressed. "I believe I may have located one of them."
Tsunade raised her eyebrows and waved a hand as if to say 'and?'.
Rose's scowl depended and she stood back with a displeased expression on her face.
"Do you want us to help you track them down or not?" Tsunade asked when it was clear Rose had no intentions of responding to her prompting. "Because I don't care what happens to them. But if you do, then you'd better cooperate."
"Whoa, okay." Dave stepped in as the atmosphere started to get tense. "Look, Rose has hella issues with authority –and before you try to tell me you don't – let me just suggest that I do the talking here."
"Problems with authority…?" Tsunade prompted, looking like she was on the verge of bursting a vein in her forehead.
"Oh yeah, big time. Like, as gods or whatever we all had these personalized quests and stuff but Rose's was like, all pink and shiny and fluffy like it was made for a fucking princess so Rose, of course, was like no what do you think I am some little girl who just likes to quietly read and sip tea while staring out at the sunset – which she basically is – she was like fuck this I'm a boss – basically just starts wrecking shit like there's no tomorrow – which there wasn't so that's beside the point. Anyways, don't tell her what to do she'll find a way to do the opposite."
"You make me sound so obstinate."
"You are obstinate."
"Look, I don't have time for this – do you want the Leaf's help or not? Because I could have my shinobi out on real missions right now. Paying missions."
"I've got a couple boonbucks on me if you want money." Dave suggested.
Tsunade gave him a blank stare.
"I do not believe they accept sburbian currency here." Rose said, still looking annoyed.
"Look who decided to say something helpful finally." Dave responded.
"I am a woman of few words, how dare you insinuate anything I say would be unhelpful, ever."
"That's a lie and you know it."
"Agree to disagree. Our friend is in the Land of Waves."
"And what?" Dave asked.
"What do you mean?"
"The Land of Waves and What?"
"Just the Land of Waves."
"That's stupid."
"Dave shut up. As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted by the inferior twin –
" – wow you have no chill – or ALL the chill you are like liquid nitrogen cold congrats– "
" – I have located a friend in the Land of Waves. I'm not sure who it is but they must have a large presence if my powers were able to discern their location this quickly. Here," Rose started, pulling a map from out of nowhere and pointing to the location of which she was speaking. "This is where you will find him or her."
"Where did that come from?" Shikamaru asked, looking startled.
Beside him, Naruto jumped. "SHIT! Oh man, Shikamaru I forgot you were here."
"I've been standing next to you this whole time."
"Thank you for your cooperation." Tsunade said, addressing Rose. "Now, I think we are done for today. Kakashi, Guy, if you will stay with Rose and Dave in the hall for a moment, I would like to speak with Sakura, Shikimaru, and Naruto alone."
"HAI M'LADY!" Guy exclaimed.
"Of course." Was Kakashi's much calmer response.
"Good. You are dismissed."
The three young shinobi crowded around Tsunade's desk as the elder two left, followed by their bickering godly charges.
"You wanted to speak with us, Lady Tsunade." Sakura asked.
"Yes. Listen, I don't know who those two are or what they are up to. Naruto, I want you and Sakura keeping a close eye on them while they are living with you. And you, Shikamaru, I want you looking into things." Tsunade then pulled a large tome out from under her desk. Naruto looked daunted by its girth. "This is all we could find on our mythology. I started reading it but… I don't really have the time to be digging into things. I would like you to read this and also spend as much time as you can observing Rose and Dave. So far, Rose does not have any chakra and they have not bothered attacking us but we can never be too careful. I do not trust them. This is your mission."
Shikamaru deflated, but took the tome nonetheless. "Yes, Lady Hokage…."
"You can spend time with Sakura. She will be showing Rose around the village and keeping a close eye on her as well. Rose is not to leave either of your sights – got it."
Shikamaru and Sakura nodded.
"Good. Now, Naruto. You heard what Rose said about their friend being in the Land of Waves. I want you to take Dave on the mission to retrieve this 'friend' of theirs, a) so you can keep an eye on him and b) because he'll know what his friend looks like. You'll be going with our tracking team."
"Tracking team…." Naruto prompted stupidly.
"Idiot! Team 8!" Sakura said, punching Naruto on the arm. "Only the kids we took the chunin exams with and practically spent all of our childhood with! You're such a moron."
"Ow! Sakura!" Naruto whined, then he turned back to Tsunade. "So when are we leaving?"
"Tomorrow. For now, I want you to show Dave around the village while assembling Team 8."
"Fine…. So I just need to find Kiba, Hinata and…. And… shit…. Who's their their teammate?"
"Wow." Shikamaru commented in disbelief.
"Shino you idiot!"
"Oh right! Bug guy oh we go way back!"
"Ooooh Naruto I am going to kill you – "
"S-Sakura-chan!"
"Enough. You are all dismissed. Go babysit your gods. I'm going to a bar."