First, you think the worst is a broken heart...

NOVEMBER

LEVI:

"I'm not even asking for much..."

That's what [f/n] always ends with whenever we argue about why I spend too much time at work. I can't help it. Every time I think about the family we're about to start after we get married, I get swept away by the sheer responsibility that I need to carry.

She doesn't understand that she's the reason why I work so hard. I slave twelve hours a day, seven days a week so that I can provide us with the life we deserve. I often come home to her pretending to be asleep. She doesn't know that I can hear her sobbing from outside the bedroom door.

Tch, what is she crying about anyway? It's not like I never come home to her eventually.

This is all for her. Why can't she understand?

[F/N]:

I hoped he could understand that I'm not asking much from him. I don't need his money, I have my own from the salary I make from teaching at the university. All I need from him is some of his time. I wear a ring on my finger to signify that I'm about to get married to him. That's the most I get from him, presence wise. People would think that being engaged was the start of an uphill climb. However, in my case, it was the start of a very gradual downward spiral.

When I agreed to marry Levi, I thought I knew just how cold and stoic he could be. I thought I could handle it.

I was wrong.

He would spend his entire week at the office. He'd be gone before I wake and come back when I was already asleep. I'd be lucky if I even catch a glimpse of his shadow. I don't see him anymore. It goes without saying that we rarely talk. If ever we do, all we ever end up doing is arguing.

He says he all he does is for me and the family we're about to make, but I don't understand.

How can this be for us when the 'us' that we knew is slowly drifting apart?

What's gonna kill you is the second part...

FEBRUARY

LEVI:

Inconsiderate and a tab bit immature. That's what she is.

Today marks our fifth year anniversary as a couple. This is the last one we'll have before we officially become Mr. and Mrs. Ackerman on June. She asked that I take a day off from work so that we can go through the wedding details together before we have a celebratory dinner.

She may be a university professor, but it's astounding how thick she can be sometimes. For the wedding details, couldn't she just do it herself? If she wants to go with someone, she can just go with her best friend that wears shitty glasses. It's not like I can just abandon my staff at the drop of a hat. I do very important work here at Recon Corp. People need me to lead them. As for the anniversary dinner, I don't see why we still have to celebrate it with fine dining? I don't see what the fuss was all about.

I love her. She loves me. That's it. We don't need a lavish dinner to prove that. What is she, a f*cking lovestruck teenager?

[F/N]:

When I asked him to spend the day with me, the only thing he said was: "I can't today. My staff need me."

Did it never occur to him that I need him too?

I looked at the ring gracing my finger and wondered what Levi meant when he said he wanted to spend his life together with me. What did he mean by "together"? I love him so much it hurts, but... loving him is like loving a ghost or a memory. I could feel him drifting away from me. We haven't even made our vows yet but here I am, mulling over the meaning of the word "together".

Together... is the hardest word to say when you feel so alone.
Together... is an abstract concept that you use to keep you warm at night.
Together... is a lie you tell yourself when your voice and sobs echo through hollow rooms and empty beds.
Together... is me marrying Levi.

And the third is when your world splits down the middle...

APRIL

LEVI:

This is the happiest day of my life. Today's the day I get promoted to the Senior Vice President position at Recon Corp. Finally, all that hard work is paying off. After this, there's no way but up. If I work a little harder, I can make a little bit more money. That way, I can make up for my absence at home. I'll give her a comfortable, luxurious life.

I'll start with buying her a gift.

I realized that I have no idea what to give her as a gift. Aside from her engagement ring, I never really bought her anything as a gift. She was never really the kind of girl who would ask for material things. There's always a first time for everything I guess. Now, I can buy her all the gifts she could even want.

I decide to call her later after the celebratory dinner at the office.

[F/N]:

Levi called me to tell me that he finally got promoted. I should be honored, I guess. He thought to call me to tell me that today was the happiest day of his life. I tried so hard to be happy for him but all I could think of was whether or not he was this elated when I first told him I loved him or when I agreed to marry him.

"I want to buy you something as a gift." His voice trailed off on the other line. He said it so monotonously that you think he was commenting about the weather.

I blurted out, "How much does Recon Corp pay you per hour, Levi?"

I could tell that my question took him by surprise. I admit, it took me by surprise too. It was like a dam burst open in my chest and a flood of pent up feelings of sorrow and loneliness came rushing out of my mouth. They took the form of a single, venom-laced sentence:

"I want you to buy an hour of your time for me."

"Tch." He clicked his tongue at me, "You're so childish, you know that? If I wanted to take care of a child, I would've fathered one by now."

My heart sank with a mix of anger and intense sorrow. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I've ran out of tears to cry. My voice came out dry and coarse as sandpaper as I said the last words I intended to ever say to him.

"You can father someone else's child. Congratulations on your promotion."

I hung up, packed my things, and called my best friend Hanji. I called a taxi and headed for her flat, looking back at our apartment building one last time.

Fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself...

AUGUST

LEVI:

It's been four months since she left. The only trace I have of her presence was the engagement ring she left behind and the very few pictures I have of her on my phone.

I went home that April evening fuming mad at her for practically raining on what I stupidly considered the happiest day of my life. I barged through the doors of our apartment ready to start an argument. I would usually be greeted by her muffled sobs from the bedroom but this time I was greeted by an unlit apartment and a deafening silence.

Initially, I shook it off as her throwing another childish tantrum. She must've stepped out of the apartment to let out some air. She might even be out drinking and venting with her friends. I thought that she was really going to hear it from me when she gets back. When I found her engagement ring on top of the table on my side of the bed, I started to doubt my conviction that this was all a childish tantrum.

For the first few days, I lived in delusion. My mind simply couldn't wrap itself around the remote possibility that she left me. I kept convincing myself that she was going to come around eventually and return home; that one day, I was going to come home to her sleeping soundly on the bed. I even had the gall to think about what I would say to her when she comes back; how she made me worried and how disrespectful she was on the phone that night. I marveled at my own stubbornness and stupidity whenever I held the ring she once wore in my hand, her warmth long gone from it. Her last words hung in the air like a whisper: You can father someone else's child...

I didn't know where she was. I didn't know who she was with. I didn't know if she was okay, if she was crying or laughing, and if someone was with her through smiles and tears. I didn't know when she was coming back or if she was coming back. I woke up every morning thinking how many times she woke up alone. I laid on the cold empty bed wondering how many times she cried herself to sleep. As I walked through the empty, silent apartment we once shared, I wondered what was so important that I felt that she should just wait for me as I abandoned her. I thought about how long it must've taken her to run out of tears for me. I tried to remember what I was trying to make her understand when I chose work over her. I tried to understand what I failed to understand that all she ever wanted from me was to give her some of my time.

"I want you to buy me an hour of your time."

How lonely did I make her feel? How lonely did I leave her that she thought she had to buy time just to be with me? How big of an idiot was I not to understand her?

Every day was a reminder of what I put her through. I experienced her pain hundred-fold. I woke up and fell asleep alone, just as she did. I spent my days wondering when I'd get to see her face and hear her voice again. The silence and the solitude was unbearable, and I, the man who promised to love her, made her go through that.

I tried to apologize to her through blown off phone calls that headed straight to voicemail and long wordy emails that I guessed she never opened. Even after hundreds of attempts at apologizing, she never got back to me. She probably thought I didn't deserve to be forgiven. Heck, she probably thought I didn't deserve to be told "goodbye". All I could do was give up and try to move on. After many weeks of being blown off, I decided to meet up with a therapist to help me cope with losing the only woman I have ever loved.

[F/N]

I left Levi with nothing but my ring. I knew I had to move on with my life. It hurt that I knew I still loved him. However, I had a life to lead and I couldn't spend it waiting for him to change. I spent the past four months trying to put my life together. Hanji's been an absolute blessing during this period. She offered to get my stuff from the old apartment. She said she didn't breathe a word to Levi that I was living with her for the time being. Hanji said that Levi didn't deserve to know. After witnessing me blow off all of Levi's calls, she disconnected my phone line and bought me a new one saying that it should help me move on.

"So that Levi can't haunt you anymore." She said.

Levi.

I once said that loving him was like loving a ghost or a memory.

After four months, I've come to realize that my love for him was dying a slow, natural death. It was close to becoming an actual ghost now. It's slowly becoming nothing but a memory.

Hanji introduced me to some guy friends of hers, trying to get me to start dating again. She means well and I appreciate the concern but right now, I still need time to heal.

Fifth, you see them out with someone else...

OCTOBER

LEVI:

It's been more than a year since she left. In that time, I've done my fair share of moving on. I've moved to a different apartment. I got a new job. I even learned a new hobby.

I also tried to date other girls as well. I was lucky enough to meet a girl named Petra. She reminded me so much of my ex-fiance even if they looked nothing alike. Even though it was unfair to her, I dated her because of that fact. Unfortunately, our relationship ended right before it began because she left me after getting a job in Japan. She said she wasn't cut out for long distance relationships.

The irony of a girl leaving me because of work was almost morbidly hilarious.

I finished my therapy sessions with my doctor some months ago and I have to give him credit for helping me through a very dark time in my life. He told me all of these things about how to deal with grief and loss; how it was natural to feel sadness and emptiness after being heartbroken. He helped me come to terms with my mistakes and hopefully, get closure in the future.

I ran into my doctor during my afternoon walks going home from work. I saw him seated on a bench at a bus stop. He had a giant box beside him and seemed to be waiting for someone. When our eyes met, he gave me his most cordial smile and greeted me politely.

"Fancy seeing you here, Levi." He said with a smile.

"I usually take a walk from work. It helps me take my mind of... things." He knew exactly what things I was pertaining to. He commented that he felt good to see me continuing to make progress even after our sessions have ended and that I wasn't relapsing into my workaholic tendencies.

"What are you doing here, doc?" I asked him.

"I'm waiting for my wife. I usually walk home with her from here." He smiled.

"I never pegged you for the married type." I remarked. He laughed and replied that it wasn't part of his job to share his personal life during my therapy sessions.

"I specialize in helping people get through loss and grief. How insensitive would I be to gush about my love life to people who've just lost people they love." He said with a slight sadness to his voice. He added that he got married a few weeks after our sessions ended. I then offered a belated congratulations.

My mind wandered as we talked casually on the bench. In my mind, I wondered what it would've been like if she never left. I would've been married to her by now. Maybe I would be that kind of husband who'd want to walk home together after a tiring day at work. I imagined how our wedding would've looked like. She would've looked absolutely immaculate in her wedding dress.

"...and I bought this baby stroller to surprise her." I heard my doctor say as I snapped out of my reverie.

"Your wife's pregnant?" I asked.

"Yeah." He beamed with pride, "We found out last Friday that she's seven weeks along."

Again, my mind took me to that alternate scenario where I married her. Would I have gotten her pregnant? Would I look as happy as my doctor is right now with the realization that I'm going to be a father?

"I wonder..." I said out loud without intending to.

"Levi." My doctor reverted back to his therapist voice, "I know what you're thinking. Don't do that to yourself. I never meant to bring back all those thoughts. I'm sorry." He continued, "Remember, don't dwell on the past. Stop looking back if you have no intention on going there."

"It's okay, doc. I'm fine." I shrugged as a bus hissed to a stop in front of us. The doors on the front and middle of the bus released a flurry of people. The doctor went to the front side of the bus and I followed. He craned his neck to see if he could catch a glimpse of his wife. Out of curiosity, I craned my neck too. A set of soft footsteps patted on the rear end of the bus as the last passenger alighted and a bright voice called out.

"Armin!"

I froze. I knew that voice. The doctor left me standing there as he rushed to his wife with a skip in his step.

[F/N]

Armin rushed to where I was and gave me the biggest hug. It was the perfect end to a tiring day of giving college students a lecture on Philosophy.

Looking at Armin now, with his golden hair and baby blue eyes, I couldn't help but think that a year ago, I couldn't even imagine dating anyone... let alone marrying someone. I'm glad that I ended up marrying him.

Hanji and Armin knew each other from high school. Armin was a psychologist specializing in loss and grief. Hanji thought that Armin and I were perfect for each other: The heartbroken woman and the doctor of the heart. As much as I'd hate to admit it, Hanji was right as she usually was.

Armin and I started dating after several dinner dates and several conversations. At first, we only talked about my problems. Even though I sounded selfish most of the time, he was a wonderful listener and a reliable friend. What started as a "problem-advice" kind of set up soon became a full-blown relationship. Armin made is so that I didn't need him to solve my problems, but I soon found out that I wanted him in my life anyway. He in turn showed me that he wanted to get to know my heart by heart. By August, he asked me to marry him. We didn't waste any time getting married and now I was carrying his child. I couldn't be happier.

After I got engaged to Armin, I got scared that he'd start acting the way Levi did. Not only did Armin prove my fears to be unfounded, he also showed me how much he loved me on a daily basis. He completely healed me... and I will be eternally grateful.

It's true that sometimes I wonder what the situation would've been like if I never left Levi. I would've been married to him by now. Armin tells me to never dwell on the past so I learned, with his help, to simply acknowledge these musings as they pass through my consciousness.

Armin snapped me out of my daydream when he started groping my belly.

"The baby isn't even big enough to have legs to kick with yet, dear." I laughed."The doctor says the baby's only about the size of a blueberry."

"I know, but I can't help it! I'm so excited!" He gleamed. He pointed to the box he was carrying and suggested that we assembled the baby stroller together when we get home. He was also excited to talk about potential baby names. I agreed to everything Armin had planned. He held my hand and started walking towards the direction of our home. As we neared the bus stop waiting shed, I saw a man standing with his back towards us. I knew who it was. There was no mistaking it.

====

And the sixth is when you admit you may have f*cked up a little...

LEVI:

I heard their footsteps drawing closer to me. I brace myself for the reunion I had hoped would never happen. My heart hammered against my chest. My breath got caught in my throat. The good doctor stopped in front of me and introduced his wife.

As I feared, it really was her.

"This is my wife, [f/n]."

"Nice to meet-" I started.

"Levi." My name tumbled out of her lips so naturally. I was caught by surprise. There was no trace of anger or hatred in her voice. She said my name like it was a prayer: soft and gentle. Dr. Arlert blinked a few times at her then at me.

"How do you know my former patient, honey?" He asked.

She let out a nervous laugh and scratched her head. That's what she always did when she was embarrassed or flustered. My heart skipped at the thought that she hasn't changed one bit. In fact, despite being flustered and blushing immensely, she still looked beautiful... and totally, utterly happy.

"Remember that guy I told you about? The one I...left." she mumbled. Dr. Arlert's eyes flashed with recognition. My heart sank with the thought of me being referred to simply as "the guy".

"I see." My doctor sounded like a therapist. I'm sure this was an awkward situation for all of us. I went to see him precisely because of her leaving me. She ended up marrying the person I consulted on how to move on and let her go. The universe (or God, whichever) seems to have a very dark sense of humor.

She surprised me when she turned to me and said, "I'm really glad to see you, Levi. I was wondering how you were doing." She let go of her husband's hands and took mine. I couldn't look at her. My gaze was glued to the pavement underneath my feet, "Levi... I'm sorry for what I made you go through. I had to move on with my life and I had to hurt you to do it."

I didn't want her to let go of my hand, but she did. I didn't have the strength to hang onto her. I was such a weak coward. She excused herself and said that she and her husband had a baby stroller to build at home and that they had to get going. With a quick tug at her husband's hands they turned to walk away from me.

"[f/n]!" Her name escaped my lips before I could even think. This was the first time I was mentioning her name out loud in a year. She turned to look over her shoulder with a worried look. She raised a finger towards the road behind me.

She spoke, "Walk that way, Levi. Walk that way and never look back. You owe it to yourself to let me go. Promise me this one last thing and don't screw it up, please. Let me go. Move on." Her eyes were full of pain and sorrow, not for herself, but for me. I almost forgot how compassionate and understanding she could be. I didn't deserve to be treated like this by her.

Despite myself, I said, "I promise. I won't f*ck this last one up. Before I go though..." I mustered the courage to look at her in the eyes, "I'm sorry for everything, [f/n]." I muttered her name with such a finality, it almost broke me.

"I forgive you, Levi. Now go." She said with a sad smile. She nodded and sent me off my way as she returned to her husband's side, looking forward to her life together with him and the child she was carrying.

[F/N]:

I turned on my heel and had no intention of looking back. I didn't know I was crying until Armin lifted a finger and flicked a tear away from my eye. He looked worried.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yes, ." I laughed, wiping some of the tears away with my palm, "I think I needed that for closure."

"You handled it like a champ." He smiled at me, "I'm so proud of you."

He planted a kiss on my forehead and put an arm over my shoulder. We started walking towards our home together.

Armin probably couldn't help that doctor side of him, "I'm worried for Levi though. Unlike you, he seemed pretty frazzled."

"He's gonna have to make a decision to move on by himself now... like I did when I decided to leave him." I sighed, "Besides, he's gonna do well. He had the best psychologist in the world helping him."

"Best psychologist in the world, huh?" Armin's lips twitched to a smile.

"Yeah. I had the same psychologist help me out. My psychologist was too good that I decided to marry him." I playfully nudged Armin on his side. He laughed and planted another kiss on my forehead.

LEVI:

I could hear her and Dr. Arlert laughing in the distance. My hands were tightly balled into a fist. They weighed heavily on my sides. I wanted to turn around before she turned a corner and vanished from my life for good. It took all my strength to look ahead and not look back. I tried to keep my last promise to her. However, with every step I took, my conviction faltered little by little.

Just before they turned a corner, my heels turned and I started at her smiling face one last time. Her [hair length], [hair color] hair bouncing and swaying with the wind.

"I'm sorry." I apologized to her, hoping the wind will carry my feelings to her, "I may have f*cked up a little."

I broke my last promise to her as my heart broke all over again.