Chapter 2: Michelangelo
I still can't believe it. How can he be gone just like that? I keep going to sleep hoping this is all just one big nightmare and he'll be right there when I wake up. But it isn't is it? And sooner or later I'm going to have to face that, but for now the shock is still new and the wound is fresh so I think I'll live in denial a little bit longer.
Has it really already been two days? I can't help but wonder as I stare down at my brother's lifeless body. Gods he looks so peaceful. He'd never looked this calm before even if he was sleeping. He was always worrying about us and watching out for us. I know it stressed him out more than he would ever say. The tears start flowing again. Damn I'm surprised I even have any left, figured I would of ran my tear ducts dry by now. I smile at Leo's cold body as I think about how he would tell me not to cry. How he would say he wants to see my bright smile again. You know I don't think my smile will ever be the same without him. Yeah I'll smile, but there will always be a gap in my heart that nothing can ever fill. I'm okay with that I don't think anything ever should.
A knock jars me out of my thoughts and I say over my shoulder. "Come in." The door opens and out of the corner of my eye I see a hint of purple. Oh the good old doctor has come to visit me. He slides into the room quietly and takes a seat beside me. I don't look at him. In fact I don't move at all my gaze still fixed on my dead older brother.
"Mikey." I hear that tone already. It's that big brother tone as I like to call it. The one they use when they are trying to protect me from something. It stupid really I mean what else could possibly hurt me more than this. I sigh and turn my head slightly to look at my purple band brother. "How are you doing?"
What a stupid question. I think angrily, my shield, my protector, my eldest brother is dead, gone, ripped from this world too soon. I don't say that though because what good will anger really do in this situation. It's not Don's fault Leo died. So I just sigh and shrug as I turn to fully face my immediate older brother. "I could ask you the same thing." I say softly and really I could. Don looks like shit. I wonder when the last time he slept was.
"You know Mikey," He starts his voice thick and heavy with unexpressed emotions. "I'm actually not doing too well." He admits truthfully and it shocks me. I know none of my brothers are taking this well, but for one of them to come right out and say it. Well, that's just unheard of, but I guess Donnie has always been the smart one. He understands that we need to talk about this. It's not something we can just ignore.
"I know what you mean." I reply back just as honest. "Gods Don I miss him so much already." I breathe out and I can't stop the stream of tears that flows from my eyes. Don reaches forward as I lean over to cry and pulls my close against his chest in a loving hug.
"I know little brother. I do too so goddamn much it hurts." He replies as tears start falling from his eyes as well. I don't know how long we sat there just crying on each other could have been three hours or just three minutes for all I know, but we were pulled out of our sob fest by a small knock. "Go ahead." Don replied to the newcomer as he quickly brushed the tears from his eyes. I took a deep breath and did the same.
"Miss April says dinner is ready." A small voice said from the doorway.
"Alright Chris we will be there in a few minutes." Don told his voice steady and reassuring no sign of the breakdown he had just moments ago.
"Thanks buddy." I call out to the boy as he leaves my voice still shaky and rough from all of the emotion. That little boy is the one good thing to come out of all of this. He's something special and I know Leo saw it too that's why he asked us to take care of him. Damnit if I don't follow my brother's last order. I turn to Don, who is unsurprisingly already back in control of himself. The only sign of his crying is the slight red tint in his eyes. I'm sure I look way worst considering I can still feel unshed tears in my eyes, but I push those thoughts away as I stand up and offer Don my hand. He takes it and I help pull him out of his chair. "Come on dude, you know I can't turn down food." I joke as we walk out of the room. Yeah joking is hard now, but it's what Leo would want so that's what I'll do. Even in death I feel he guides us.
The dinner table was silent as we sat there eating. Well no one was really eating all that much too sick from sadness to feel hungry. It was weird without Leo. The table felt somehow empty without him and our hot-head brother down here fighting. Speaking of Raph I don't think I have seen him at all today. After I woke him from his post by Leo's bedside he just kind of took off. I hope he's careful, I don't think I can handle losing another brother. I sigh as I glance to his spot at the table. Master Splinter notices this immediately and speaks to me.
"Michelangelo your brother is fine. I feel he just needs sometime time to sort through this." His calm voice carried out through the deadly quiet lair. Although his tone was slightly off I could tell he'd been grieving for his lost son.
"So do we, but we are all still here." I snapped back before I had time to think.
"Michelangelo." The sternness of his tone made me flinch. "We are all handling this the best we can and we are all grieving in our own ways. Do not judge someone for how they grieve my son."
"Yes sensei." I said nodding as I did. The guilt already swelling up inside me for my stupid comment. I take a deep breath to clear my head and get my emotions under control.
Dinner went on without a comment after that and soon enough we were finished. Don went to go help April clean up in the kitchen. They would probably talk some of their grief out over dishes. Casey stood up soon after. "I'm going to go out and check on Raph." The big man says as he leaves the room. If anyone can talk some sense into Raph it would be Casey. I look across from me at the little boy my big brother had saved. He looks really upset though I could see he was trying very hard to hide it.
"Hey Chris, you wanna play some video games with me?" I ask a smile plastered on my face. I know it didn't quite reach my eyes, but the kid seems to appreciate the effort. He nods eagerly a small smile gracing his face as well.
"Well then I shall retreat to my room for some meditation boys." Master Splinter says as he left the table and went to his room probably to grieve away from prying eyes. I turn and look at Chris nodding my head to signal that I was ready. He gets up and we both race over to the couch. I let the little squirt beat me there. You know since I'm such a nice guy and all.
"Way to go!" I praise pretending to be out of breath. "You sure are fast." The kid smiles and just shakes his head.
"I know you let me win Mr. Mikey." He replies his eyes gleaming with amusement. Damn I forgot how smart this kid was.
"Yeah sure I did." I shoot back sarcastically and the boy just rolls his eyes. "And I told you it's just Mikey, buddy." I tell him sick of how formal he is all the time.
"Okay Mikey." He replies back a small smile still present on his young face. "Ready for me to kick your butt out Mario Cart?"
"Oh you are so loosing." I reply as we dive into our game eagerly.
I'm not sure how long we played for it was probably at least a couple of hours before the boy began to tire. A yawn that I know he's trying so hard to force down slips out and that is my queue that it is bedtime. "Come on little man, time for bed." I say as I turn off the gaming console. He nods his head and puts his controller away. Silently we walk up stairs to the extra bed room that is now his room until April and Casey can figure out what we need to do with him. If it was up to me I'd keep him, but as Donnie has pointed out many times, he's not a stray animal he's a child and he needs more than we can provide down here. I just hope everything works out from what the kid has said his only family was mother and we're pretty sure she was lost in that explosion. I just don't want to see the kid growing up in foster home after foster home. We reach his room and he climbs into his bed. I tuck him in and kiss the top of his head as I tell him good night. I turn to leave, but a small voice stops me in my tracks.
"Mikey, is-is it my fault Mr. Leo died?" The boy asks so softly I can barely hear him and I faintly pick up the small tremble in his voice. The question hits me like a sucker punch. How could this poor kid think this was his entire fault? I sigh before speaking trying to collect my thoughts and make sure I find the right words so this poor kid understands.
"No Chris not all." I say soft but sternly using my fingers to tilt his head up so he can see my eyes. I try to convey my sincerity through them. He nods his head slowly, but I still don't think he is fully convinced. "My big brother was always that way kid. He'd always put his own health at risk to help others and to protect his family." I persuade trying to ease this boy's guilt. He's too young to start the self-loathing act leave that for us big boys. "Like I remember this one time when we were kids…"
We were probably about six or seven and we were out on our first trip away from the lair without Master Splinter. Raph of course wanted to play a game of follow the leader and we did. It was all going great until Raph's turn. He wanted to lead us across some rapidly moving sewer waters, but Leo wasn't for that. "Raph." He started his voice carrying a warning tone. He hadn't devolved his leader voice quite yet. "I don't think this is a good idea. If someone slips they'll drown in that water." He warned, but Raph of course was too good for that.
"Oh what's the matter Leo? Are ya a scaredy cat?" Raph teased and I chuckled lightly along with him not understanding the danger we could be in. "Well I'm not I'm going across!" Raph exclaimed proudly before turning to look at me. "Come on Mikey." I nodded my head and followed him obviously not want to be a scaredy cat.
The pipe we were walking across was extremely slick from the water spraying up on it, but whatever it would be no problem for me. I'm invincible. I was quickly proven wrong as my foot slipped and I went plunging into the rushing water below. I let out a girlish scream and I heard someone yell out my name then nothing. The only sound that filled my ears was the rushing water as it pounded against me and pushed me down stream. I was beyond terrified as the water ruthlessly threw me around. I desperately tried to swim back up only to be drug back down by the water. Oh shell, I thought, this is it. I'm going to die here. Just as I was giving up hope I felt to arms wrap around me and pull me up. I don't know how he did it, but we broke to the surface and I could breathe again.
Praise the turtle gods for air! I can breathe! The water was still rushing up onto my face and I knew we weren't out of trouble yet. "Don!" I heard my big brother yell from behind me. "Use that stick behind you and you and Raph pull us out." Leo shouted as he tried to avoid swallowing anymore water. Soon I could see the end of the stick is was like the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I reached for it as far as I could and I felt my fingertips brush it.
Almost got it….and got it! The stick was firmly in my hand and I felt my other two brothers pull us over to them. Then as everything was going fine and dandy I felt the arms slip off from around me. "Leo!" I shouted. "What are you doing?" The panic was rising up quickly in my throat and I couldn't push it down.
"They can only pull one of us up at a time." He explained, shouting of the roar of the water. "You go first I'll be right behind you." I didn't doubt him not for a second and my other two big brothers pulled me out of the water. As lay on solid ground finally I turn to look back at Leo, but I don't find him. Where did he go!? The water must have taken him back under.
"Leo!" I yelled the worry and panic prominent in my voice. "Leo!" I tried again hoping against all odds he would be okay. After what felt like hours of desperately searching the waters I see him finally bob back to the surface.
"Over there!" Raph shouted and he and Donnie reach the stick out towards him. He grabbed the stick and we all worked to pull him ashore. He collapsed as soon as he reached solid land. He was heaving trying to catch his breath.
"It's alright Leo just breath." I heard Don say to him to try and calm him down.
"I-I'm good." Leo replied his voice shaking with every word.I looked my brother over relief flooding me until I saw red.
"Leo you're bleedin." I exclaimed pointing at his thigh where blood was steadily flowing out of a gash on his upper thigh.
"Oh yeah must of cut it on something in the water. It'll be alright though." He replied calmly trying his best to reassure us that he was fine.
"Come on Fearless I'll help ya walk home so we can get ya fixed up." Raph said his worry evident in his voice and the fact that he didn't care he was going to get in trouble. Leo just nodded and we trekked the short half a mile back home.
"See even back then Leo always was a hero and he'd do whatever it took to bring us all home safe." I explain to the kid after my story. I see that the story has made him tired as he can barely hold his eyes open. He nods his head slowly and small smile gracing his face. "Now go to sleep little man." I whisper softly as I push his dirty blonde hair aside and kiss his forehead. I turn out the lights and quietly exit the room. Hopefully he will understand; he's too young for all that guilt.
My eyes snap open and I bolt upright in bed. His name is on my lips and I breathe it out. "Leo." I say trying to catch my breath as I do. Another damn nightmare. When will these end? It's bad enough that he was taken from us, but for it to haunt me every night. It is unbearable. I regain control over my breathing, but quickly realize I'm not falling back to sleep anytime soon. I let out a sigh of exhaustion and frustration. Well, I might as well go get some water or maybe a late night snack.
I enter the kitchen and instantly realize I'm not alone. A figure is slump over on the table and as I step closer I realize it is Raph. He's using his arms as a pillow and napping with his head on the kitchen table. I soon realize how he got to be in this situation. There are empty beer can spread all across the table. Damnit Raph, what will drinking solve? I shake my head at my older brother and lightly lay my hand on his shoulder. He doesn't wake up. No surprise there, from all the beer cans I would say he drank a solid twenty-five beers. I give him a shake to try and wake him since I don't want anyone else to find him like this. "Raph." I whisper harshly as I give him another shake. All I get for my efforts is some growling and a small shake of his head. "Raph." I say a bit louder and shake him a little bit harder. It must of worked because next thing I know I'm staring into a pair of green eyes.
Confusion is written all over his face as he looks at me and it is obvious he is still shitfaced. "M-Mikey?" He asks, even just speaking my name he has a slur.
"Yeah it's me dude. Now come on let's get you upstairs and in bed bro." I say trying to talk sense into my intoxicated brother, but he just shakes his head.
"No." He whispers out. "I m-m-miss him soooo much Mike." He slurs out as he leans back in his chair. I let out a sigh and sit across from him. This was going to be one hell of a long night.
"I know Raph I miss him too." He shakes his head out me.
"But ya don't get it. Ya still…still gots two older brothers." He says sadly the tears glistening in his eye, but even as drunk as he is he still won't let them fall. "I-I-I lost my only one." The last part comes out as nothing more than a whisper and I feel my heart break even more. I'd never thought about that before. Raph is now the oldest. I'd never thought about how that would make him feel. "A-a-and it's my fuckin fault. I shoulda done more."
"No it's not Raph. You know that. It was an accident. These things just happen bro." I interject quickly trying to end his stupid pity party as soon as possible. I doubt he believes me, but he doesn't bring it up again.
"Hell Mikey when did ya get so grown up?" He asks as he looks at me. Man does he look like shit. I bet the only times he has slept is when he's pasted out drunk. I just shrug my shoulders at his question though because I honestly don't know. I guess losing someone you thought was invincible will do that to you.
I notice Raph start to doze off again, which means it's time for bed. "Come on Raph let's get you to bed." He doesn't protest and it's a testament to how drunk he is that he actually lets me help him all the way upstairs and into his hammock. Gods he is going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. I close his door softly and return back to my own bed.
I let out a huge sigh as I hit my bed. Gods being strong and caring for everyone all the time is so damn hard. How the hell did you do it Leo? As soon as I think of him I already feel the tears run down my face. Damnit, will this ever get easier? I realize sadly it probably never will, but that's okay I learn to cope with it. I'll smile again no matter how bad it hurt because that's what he would have wanted. "And even in death you guide me." I say out loud as close my eyes. "Good night big brother." I whisper out and I swear I hear a voice whisper back.
"Sleep my baby brother."