Hello I am back. Mikey was really hard to write honestly in the last chapter so I hope I did him some justice. However, now it's on to Donnie who I also feel is going to be difficult to write so here goes nothing.
Disclaimer: I do not own the turtles. Please don't sue.
Donatello:
It has been a whole year now. 365 days to be exact since our beloved leader and older brother was oh so violently ripped away from us. Has it gotten any easier? I can't say it has. Logically I figured it would you know what they time heals all wounds right? However, I don't believe that is the case, time just helps to numb them. I let out a sigh even though it's early in the day, three in the morning to be precise, I already know this is going to be a long and difficult day for us all and I should at least try and get some sleep before morning. God knows I will need it.
I wake up five short hours later feeling like hell and honestly it takes every ounce of strength I have to roll myself out of bed. I immediately head for the kitchen because I am completely useless without my morning coffee. Yeah, yeah I know terrible habit. At least that was what Leo would always say. "Don you should really just sleep more, then you won't need that retched stuff." Goddamnit I can still hear his voice perfectly in my head and it hurts.
I shake the bad thoughts from my head. No, today is a day to be strong to remember what Leo stood for not wallow in my own self-pity. I think as I enter the kitchen. Mikey is already up and working on making us breakfast. He's chatting with Christopher about the latest comic he read or something I'm not sure I just know I need coffee. The tunnel vision is bad as I zone in on my target; Mr. Coffee Pot. Mikey and Chris don't bother saying hi to me yet. They know how I am in the mornings.
I pour myself a cup and take a sip. Oh sweet nectar of the gods how I love you and Mikey for making sure there is a fresh pot brewed every morning. That turtle is a godsend. I easily down one cup and head back to the machine for another. I finally feel awake and slightly lighter now that the fog of sleep has lifted. However, it does not ease the heaviness I feel in my stomach and the pain rippling through my chest.
"Good morning Donnie." Mikey says cheerfully and I am slightly envious of his ability to be so awake in the mornings. "Are you feeling out of zombie-Don-mode?" He asks with a soft smile.
"Almost." I reply back catching his eyes. I see the smile on his face, but it's forced very forced. I could always read Mikey's eyes and right now I see the heartbreak in them. I am sure he sees the emotions that are raging inside mine as well. Understanding passes between us and he chuckles going back to cooking whatever that delicious smell is.
"Good morning Don." The little boy beside him greets. He's not as well practiced in hiding his pain as the rest of us so it slips into his voice. Easily detected by Mikey and I. I force a smile because I know we all need to be strong for this kid. It's what Leo wanted.
"Hey good morning Chris." I say adding a bit more cheer into my voice and as perceptive as the damn kid is he could probably tell. However, he doesn't mention it and just goes back to chatting with Mikey. I haven't really bonded with the kid yet even after knowing him for a full year. I just don't know how to talk to him. I'm not Mike I can't just strike up a conversation with anyone and everyone. I'm too socially awkward for that, but the boy doesn't seem to mind he is always polite and cheerful when he speaks with me. I have promised myself though that I will work to know him better to find something to bond over because he's family now and Leo taught me that family always sticks together.
Our father walks into the kitchen at that time and puts his kettle on the stove for his morning tea as he greets us. "Good morning my sons."
"Good morning sensei." We all reply back to him. I can see the fatigue on his face and I know he did not sleep well last night. I can't blame him considering what today is.
"Sensei?" Chris pipes up. "I know practice is cancelled for the day, but I was wondering if you could show me the last part of the kata?" The young boy asks his voice shaky in fear that he has crossed a line or angered father. However, hope glistened in his eyes.
"Why certainly Christopher. How about we do it after breakfast when the kitchen is all cleaned up?" Master Splinter responds happiness over taking his features. He has loved having a new student to teach especially one as eager to learn as Chris. Father started teaching the boy a couple of months ago to help take the boy's mind and probably sensei's too, off of what happened to Leo. Chris has loved it ever since. The kid literally eats, breaths, and sleeps ninjistu and damnit if it doesn't remind me of Leo.
"Hai sensei." He says as he bows to our father his eyes sparkling with happiness and it's almost enough to make me forget what today is, almost. The boy then sits down at the table to speak with father. I don't really follow their conversation as I get lost in thought, but I am soon jolted out of my thinking by a gruff voice.
"Mornin' y'all." Raph greets as he walks into the kitchen and heads for the coffee pot himself. That's one of things we have in common. We both hate mornings and need something to get us going. A chorus of good mornings goes out and Raph sits down beside me and Master Splinter at the table. I study my brother out of the corner of my eye. He looks good given the circumstances, way better than he did a few short months ago. I think he's finally accepting it and trying to move on like the rest of us. I'm proud of him for it. Yeah it may have taken him a little long then the rest of us, but he didn't have the one person who'd understand how to help him there.
"Casey and April are coming over for dinner tonight so we can honor him together." I say softly just to Raph everyone else knew what was going on since we discussed it at dinner last. Raph missed it though because he was out keeping the streets safe. We haven't started patrolling again, but Raph as usual can't stay still so he's been out flying solo. He actually made sure to get Splinter's permission too as shocking as that is.
Raph just grunts and nods his head obviously not ready to talk about it yet this morning. I sigh I know today will be especially rough for him.
"Alright breakfast is served." Mikey announces as he starts serving breakfast and with food in front of us the rest of breakfast goes quietly.
After cleaning up the kitchen I go straight back to my lab. I need some time to think and mental prepare myself for tonight with everyone. Before I know it I am soon lost in tinkering and I have easily forgotten all the thoughts that were plaguing me. However, I am knocked out of my trance by a knock on my door two hours later.
"Yeah come in." I call out still not lifting my head up from my microscope. I hear the soft pitter patter of feet and know it's not one of my brothers entering. "Hey what's up Chris?" I say lifting my head to see the young boy standing in the door way looking very unsure of himself. He walks in softly closing the door behind him.
"Umm I was wondering…" He starts looking down at the ground the whole time obviously embarrassed. "…if you could help me with my math homework? I just don't get and I don't want the other kids thinking I'm stupid because I don't get something they all seem to get." He blurts out his words coming out like a waterfall once the dam broke.
"Yeah, sure no problem. Bring it here and let's look at it together." I state softly and he smiles as he pulls a chair up to my desks and sits by me. We work for about thirty minutes on the word problems that are tripping him up and after that I feel like he has a solid grasp on it.
"Thank you so much Donnie!" He exclaims hugging me as he does. I hug him back and a genuine smile graces my face, one that is not forced.
"Yeah, no problem and hey anytime you need help on anything you come to me alright?"
"Yeah I will for sure! You're the best!" He tells me as he nods his head eagerly and turns to leave.
"Hey wait Chris." I call out not wanting this happiness to leave me quite yet. "Would you be interested in helping me finish building this RC car?" I ask and he eagerly nods his head again and we get to work.
It only takes us an hour to finish the car up and we both stand there looking proudly at our creation. "Will you do the honors and test drive it?" I ask handing the boy the remote control. He nods his head and takes the controller slowly from my hand, probably nervous that it won't work. He has nothing to worry about because soon the car is racing around my lab floor. We high five, well high three for me, our success and I tell him he better take it out to the living room where he has more room.
He agrees and almost runs over Mikey with it as he is trying to make a speedy exit. "Woah there sweet car little man!" Mikey exclaims jumping out of the way of the racing car. "Did you and Donnie build that?"
"Yeah we sure did. Donnie is awesome and smart." The boy announces proudly to Mike his eyes beaming with happiness and I can see that Mikey can't help but feel happy too.
"Oh yeah trust me I know how awesome Donnie is." Mikey replies a glint in his eyes as he looks towards me. "Better go watch where you're drivin so you don't crash."
"Right!" The boy exclaims as he takes off out of the door to follow his car.
"That was a great thing you did there." Mikey says as he leans against the door frame a smug look plastered on his face and happiness radiating from him.
"Yeah well he's a great kid and it made us both happy." I reply back shyly. Mikey's smile goes soft and he walks off to me and places his hand on my shoulder.
"Leo would have been so proud you know?" He says still smiling but a small amount of sadness is seeping through his eye. I smile back as I feel the tears slowly roll down my face.
"Yeah I know." I say softly my voice choked up from his words. I lean forward and pull my baby brother into a hug. I feel his hot tears running down my neck. However, this embrace is vastly different from the one we share a year ago. That one was all raw pain and sorrow, us sobbing for our loss. This is something gentler, something I won't ever forget. This is us happily remembering our brother and missing him. Yeah the pain isn't gone and it never will be, but it isn't as raw now and we can remember our brother happily as he would have wanted.
April and Casey arrive later that evening and I walk over to greet April. We have always had a bond since she is one of the few people who can understand my thoughts. "Hi April." Casey has already left her side and is off talking to Raph.
"Hi Don, it's good to see you guys." She greets back as she pulls me into a motherly hug trying to chase all my sadness away. It doesn't work, but I appreciate the gesture all the same. "How are you guys doing?" She asks softly when she releases me from her hug.
"We're holding up you know?" I start looking around at my family. Raph and Casey are chatting over by the punching bag. Mikey is singing some off tune song as he works in the kitchen. Master Splinter and Chris are reading a story together on the couch. "It still hurts, but it's easier to focus on the good time we had now. What about you guys? Are you doing alright?"
"Yeah pretty much the same we still miss him, but like you said the good memories are coming now. We also should get full custody of Christopher soon, which really means Splinter will have custody since I don't think the boy will leave his side." April said fondly as she looks over at the pair on the couch. "We'll still take him to school for you guys and everything and give him as close to a normal life as we can, but I know he loves this place and you guys so we'll never take that from him. He'll have the best of both worlds." April said with a smile and I was grateful. The boy is lucky to have so many people around who love him and I was glad we could provide this for him.
"Dinner's ready!" Mikey yells and effectively ends our conversation there as we both head to the kitchen to grab some food. We all sit down around the table with our plates, but no one goes to eat yet as Master Splinter stands up.
"To our beloved Leonardo, who left us way too soon. He would be happy that we are all here safe and sound and able to share this wonderful meal together." We all raise our glasses and speak our agreement as we take a drink in honor of our fallen brother. "Alright as you would say Michelangelo 'dig in.'" Sensei declares happily and we all begin to eat the delicious meal Mikey made.
"Mr. Raph can you pass me the salt and pepper?" Christopher asks our red banded brother. I watch as Raph visibly flinches at the question.
"Yeah sure." He replies aloofly trying not to let the boy see his discomfort, but the hurt look on the kid's face tells me Raph failed. Raph has been extremely uncomfortable around Christopher from the very beginning. I think the little boy reminds him too much of what happened to Leo, which I can understand, but Raph can't keep hurting the kid like this for something that wasn't his fault. I know Raph doesn't mean to, but it has to stop.
Dinner is over soon after that and Mike and April volunteer to do the dishes and clean up. So the rest of us head to living room to hang out. I grab Raph's arm before he can join the rest of the family on the couch. "Hey can I talk to you somewhere?" I ask my voice just loud enough that Raph could hear me. He grunts and we head into the next closest room, which just so happens to be the dojo.
I can tell by the way Raph stiffens that he is just as uncomfortable being in this room as I am. The only time any of us every step foot in here is for morning practice, which Splinter just started up again a couple of months ago. The room still reminds us way too much of him. It was where he practically lived after all. The guy was in here every morning before practice and long after the rest of us left.
I know it has to be affecting Raph; this was where he and Leo fought and bonded the most. I'm sure being in here still hurts. "We can go somewhere else." I suggest softly my voice cracking slightly with restrained emotion.
"No." Raph responses almost too quickly turning to look at me as he does. His eyes are wild with the emotions he is trying so hard to control. "It's fine." I watch him take a deep breath and release it, trying to force himself to relax. I let out a sigh at my stubborn older brother, who is still unable to show us any sign of weakness.
"Well I wanted to talk about what happened at dinner. You're hurting the boy Raph. You need to let it go."
"Dont'cha think I fuckin' know that Don?" He growls out getting in my face. His anger is raw and it almost scares me because well, Leo's not here to soothe it and I am a poor replacement. "I just…every time I see 'im it…it just reminds me of how I failed. It's so fuckin' hard Don…." He trails off the anger leaving just as quickly as it came, replaced by grief and sorrow.
"Raph I know it is, but look I'm not saying you have to be buddy-buddy with him. I'm just saying work on being normal around him because like it or not the kid is here to stay." He turns his head up to look at me and anger and hurt flash in his green eyes.
"Damnit Don!" He yells at me and I am slightly taken back by his new found anger. "I don't want the kid to go nowhere. He's stayin' here wit us. None of dis' was his fault I know that. It's all my fault! Dont'cha get it? I should have been there. I should of done more." I sighed finally understanding that my older brother still blamed himself. That he hasn't let that guilt go. I put a hand on his shoulder to help him focus his wild eyes back on me.
"Look Raph I know the guilt and the self-hate is your thing. Hell, it was Leo's thing too, but if the roles were reversed would you want Leo standing here still blaming himself a full year later?" I ask trying to get him to understand that logically he needs to move on. Understanding lights in his eyes and he shakes his head.
"No, I'd wanna tell 'im ta stop bein' fuckin' stupid and move on. It wasn't his fault." Raph says softly as he drops to his knees. I follow him down and kneel in front of him.
"Exactly and Leo would tell you the same damn thing."
"Yeah I know Don….I know." He whispers out his chin dropping to his chest as I know he fights back the tears. "I'll work on it and the kid, I'll get ta know 'im. I mean he's are baby brother now and I need ta protect 'im." I smile softly and lay my hand back on his shoulder in a sign of comfort.
"Good, Leo would be proud." I say softly my voice cracking with emotion as I fight back the tears. I remove my hand shortly after and exit the room because I know Raph needs a few minutes alone to regroup.
I return to the living room and Mikey glances over at me from his spot on the floor in front of the couch. We share a look and I give him a nod that everything is alright and he dives right back into the conversation. I take up my usual seat, the old wooden chair on the left side of the couch and I look around. Master Splinter is in his recliner with Christopher on his lap. April and Casey sit close together on the couch with Mikey sprawled out on the floor in front of them.
I don't know how it starts or even who it starts, but suddenly tales of Leo are being told. We are all sharing too, sharing our favorite moments with the leader in blue. Soon enough Raph comes out of the dojo and joins us. He is even laugh as Mikey tells a story about him and Leo pulling some crazy prank together. I find myself laughing as well and telling a story or two of my own.
As we join together in this moment as a family to sit and remember a lost loved one I swear I can feel a presence watching over us. I'm a turtle of science so I don't like things I can't explain. Yet, this presence fills me with warmth and contentment. A bond stronger than anything science could explain. A bond I can only describe as brotherhood.