Author's Note: Alright here is Raph's part I hope I do him some justice.Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Raphael:
Five years. It seems like a hell of a long time, but damn does it go fast. It's been five whole years since this forsaken world decided to take my brother from me. They say time heals all wounds, but that's a goddamn lie. It doesn't heal anything you just eventually learn to deal with it. It's just like spraining an ankle. When it first happens it hurts like hell and yeah you're out for a week or so, but eventually you heal up enough to use it again. However, that ankle is never the same the tendons don't ever heal back quite right and it is always weaker, more susceptible to reinjures. That's how this feels like I've healed up enough that I can function, but something in me didn't heal back quite right and I'm still weak. Sometimes stupid little things like the smell of green tea or sandalwood will reopen that wound and I'll feel the crushing weight of his death all over again.
That happens a lot less frequently now though and I'd say I'm handling things better now. Maybe not great, but sure as hell of a lot better than I was four years ago. He would of hated who I was four years ago. Lost in my sea of self-pity and loathing alcohol became my best friend. I know I made everyone worry that year and I've been trying my damnedest to make it up to them, but I don't think I ever will.
Fuck, Leo I'm trying man. I hope you know that, but I'll never be as good as you were at this. I'm a poor substitution. I wish you were here bro so I had could ask my big brother for advice, but I'm the oldest now. I just have to suck it up and deal with it for this family, for our family, Leo.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! My alarm clock screams at me telling me it is time for morning practice. Don't know why I bother setting the damn thing I'm always up thinking hours before it goes off. I let out a sigh and roll myself out of my comfy hammock. I feel my joints pop as I stretch them out. It takes a few extra stretches than normal to get my muscles loose. Shit, I think I'm getting old. I let out another sigh before heading down stairs to get some coffee.
The kitchen is bustling as usual this morning. Mikey is whipping up what smells like pancakes for everyone. Don already has his cup of coffee front of him and is sipping it in an attempt to de-zombie himself. Chris is drinking a glass of orange juice as he talks to Mikey about that latest video game. The only one missing is Sensei, who's probably just getting his morning meditation in. I grab a cup of coffee and take my seat at the table by Don. He gives me a nod still not awake enough for talking I nod back not wanting to chat myself.
"Good morning Raphie!" Mikey greets me way too enthusiastically. I growl in response and he just laughs as he continues cooking. Mikey must be about done cooking because Chris slides into his chair beside me.
"Good morning Raphael." He says respectfully. I'm always a little put off by his manners, but it's not like it's his fault since we aren't buddy-buddy.
"Mornin'" I respond back my voice still hoarse from lack of use and sleep. I haven't really gotten to know the kid all that well, but we have at least grown comfortable with each other. I guess that's an improvement. Soon enough breakfast is served and all the talking stops as we all dig in.
Morning practice begins right after breakfast and we are all in the dojo stretching and warming up. The start of practice is easy just going through some simple katas. My body is so use to the motions that I zone out through most of it entering an almost meditative state. I am soon snapped out of my blissful peace though by Master Splinter's voice.
"Yamea!" We all immediately halt at his command and turn to face him, awaiting our next instructions. "Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael you three will have a free for all spar last one standing wins." I feel a grin creep across my face. Free for alls were definitely one of my favorite training exercises. One that I was very, very good at. "Christopher I want you to watch them with me and study their moves."
"Hai Sensei." Chris responded respectfully, however I could see his disappointment. I knew he was dying to fight with the big boys, but he wasn't quite ready for that yet. In a few more years he probably will be hell, he'll probably kick our asses. Splinter and the kid step off to the side to allow us the room to spar and my brothers and I step towards the center. We bow to each other before Splinters command rings out.
"Hajime!" At the command we are all three moving, circling each other and trying to figure our opponents out. I charge Don right away trying to catch the genius off balance. He easily side steps out of the way and swings his boa around in a counter attack. I dodge out of the way easily enough, but there's no rest as I hear a rush of wind behind me. I move just in time to avoid a blow from Mike's chucks.
"So that's how it's going to be, huh?" I ask my voice taunting as I do so. "Y'all gotta team up on me to beat me, huh?" I ask letting out a laugh. It was something Leo taught me; get in your opponents' head. My brothers don't respond to me, which is strange especially Mikey. They just share a look and go on the offensive once again.
Mike charges head on, but I just match him blow for blow. I know he is just trying to distract me. The swoosh of wind lets me know I'm right as duck to avoid a blow from Don. I sweep a foot behind me and manage to catch Don's feet effectively tripping him up. He stumbles backwards, but doesn't fall as I once again focus my attention on defending against Mikey. "Come Mike, is that all you got? Man you are slow." I taunt and I watch Mikey laugh. He was always a hard one to piss off.
"Just playing with you bro." He taunts back. "Waiting for my moment to take you out." He throws a sloppy kick at me and I block it with ease. Only I was too late to realize my mistake. I had dropped my guard slightly to block that kick and it left my right side wide open.
Whack! I felt the pain explode on my right shoulder as Mike's chuck struck uncontested. I let out a growl and channeled the pain into anger. All right no more Mr. Nice Turtle. I felt rather than saw Don trying to land another blow on me from behind. I heard his boa whip through the air. I have to time this just perfectly otherwise it's over. I'll be done for. Just as his boa was about to make contact I brought my sai up. I lined it up perfected and ended up stabbing my sai into the side of his boa, with one quick yank his staff was out of his hands and I had him on the ground. My other sai at his throat.
I quickly sprung up and spun around to face my last opponent, who to my surprise didn't try to take advantage of my back being turned. Instead he just had this astonished look on his face. "Woah dude! That was a killer move." He let out a chuckle. "Too bad you're not going to beat me." I snort and charge him. Now that I don't have to watch my back I can go full offensive, just my style.
I throw move after move at him, but damn Mikey and his athleticism. He just effortlessly jumps away laughing the entire time. It's really starting to piss me off, but if I learned one thing from all my fights with Leo. It's that anger clouds your judgment and gives your opponent an easy win. So I take a deep breath and think. I know I can't catch Mike to hit him so how to win? Then it hits me I got to distract him.
"Yo Mikey I heard they're comin' out wit a new Wolverine movie." I say slyly. His eyes snap to mine and he hesitates just for a split second.
"Rea…" He starts to ask but is cut off by me tackling him. Once I have him in my grasp my weight and superior strength make it easy to pin him.
"Yamea!" I hear Splinter call at out and I release Mikey. I help him to his feet and we bow to each other ending our match. "Very well done Raphael." Master Splinter praises and I feel warmth spread over me at his kind words.
"Ummm…thanks." I stutter out not use to the praise. I feel my face heat up and I bow to him mostly to hide my embarrassment.
"Excellent practice my sons now let's do some stretches and be done for the day." We stretch out our muscles to avoid cramps tomorrow and practice is called to an end. "Do not forget my sons April and Casey are coming over for the annual dinner tonight."
"Hai Sensei." We all say in unison as we turn to leave the dojo.
"Dibs on the shower dudes!" Mikey yells as he sprints by us all. I let out a growl. While Chris and Don just shake their heads smirking at our brother's antics. Don is the next one out. He always leaves practice quickly so he can get back to his precious lab. I am just about to the door when a voice stops me.
"Mr. Raphael?" The kid asks trying to sound strong and confident, but I can hear the doubt and fear in his voice.
"I told ya it's Raph, kid." I respond back trying to force a smile on my face, but I've never really been good at these types of things. It seems to kind of work as I watch the kid relax slightly.
"Okay Raph would you mind staying and helping me practice?" The boy asks his eyes hopeful and I feel like the lowest of the low because I'm going to have to crush this kid's hopes.
"Ummm… I don't really think that's such a good idea, kid." I respond hesitantly trying to look anywhere but at his face. It doesn't really work I see it anyways and I watch as disappointment over takes his features, but only for a brief moment before it is replaced by something else. I think it is understanding.
"Oh okay I understand. Thank you anyways." He responds back as he starts to leave. Damnit he sounds just like him. Mikey would have begged and begged and then given me the puppy eyes till I caved. Donnie would have somehow logically swayed my opinion by pointing out how illogical and stupid my idea was. I would have gotten pissed and blown up in my face until an argument began. This kid though he was so much like Leo. That would have been Leo's response he would have just accepted my answer and moved on, understanding why I made that decision. I let out a frustrated sigh.
"Wait." I call out just before he reaches the door. He turns around to look me in the eyes and I'm not met with the kid's stormy blue eyes, but the piercing blue eyes of my older brother. I shake my head to clear Leo from my thoughts. "I'll help ya." I tell him as I watch his eyes light up with happiness. I am almost overtaken by how good that makes me feel, that I could put that look on his face.
"Thank you Raph." He replies bowing to me as he does. He quickly joins me back in the center of the room. "I was wondering if you could help me with my weapons training. I am having a hard time getting this one kata down." I nod my head and watch him go to the weapons rack to get his weapons. My breath hitches in my throat as it does every time I see those weapons. He of course had to choose the katanas. He said it felt right and that he owed it to my big brother. I respect him for that and I'm glad they have a new owner, but that doesn't make it any easier to see them in different hands. Even though these katanas aren't the exact ones my brother used. The kid's are slightly smaller and lighter so he can learn to control them first.
"Alright show me the kata." I say trying to push all of these unwanted feelings away. The kid begins his kata. A sweep of his right sword, down into a block as his left slashes out to the side, the left comes back in to block as the boy moves to the side letting his right sword cut down an invisible enemy behind him. As I watch him step through it I am taken away to another time and a different brother performing the same kata.
"I'm never going to get this!" Leo exclaimed his swords dropping to his side in a sign of defeat.
"Sure ya will bro. Ya the hardest worker I've known. I'm sure ya will figure it out." I replied back encouragingly hoping my big bro would believe me.
"Thank you Raphie." He replied his voice so sincere and that soft happy smile playing across his lips.
A few days later I found my brother in the dojo late at night. I watched from the door way as he run through the kata perfectly time and time again. He didn't miss a single swipe of his blades or block and his motions were fluid and graceful like a fierce tiger ready to strike. After one last run through I finally stepped into the room and he noticed my presence instantly.
"Raph, what are you doing up so late?" He asked his eye searching me for any signs of distress. Oh ever the big brother.
"Could ask ya the same thing." I responded back softly in no way trying to start an argument. "I see ya finally got it down, huh?"He nodded his head that soft smile gracing his face in the candle lit room. "What finally worked for ya?" I asked.
"I knew someone believed in me." He replied back as he put his precious katanas back on the weapon's rack. "Come on Raph let's go to bed." Leo suggested as we left the dojo side by side. As cheesy as it sounds I felt invincible just know I could inspire my big brother to be so great. I went to my door and he went to his, but we both paused before entering our respective rooms.
"Good night little brother." Leo whispered out.
"Night."
"I love you."
"Love ya too bro."
I snap out of my daydream to see Chris staring at me. The boy let out a sigh. "I don't think I'm ever going to get this one Raph." I watch as the familiar signs of defeat over take him. I let a small smile over take my face.
"Look Chris I'll give ya pointers and tips all day, but that ain't going to change nothin' real change hasta' come from ya bro." I say as I kneel down in front of him and look him in the eyes. Green meets blue and his eyes are soon replaced by my brother's, similar yet vastly different at the same time.
"And how do I do that? How do I change it?" He asks his eye look a lot less like Leo's now as I take in the young boy before me.
"I wise turtle once told me that he mastered it because someone believed in him, because he knew someone was countin' on him. I believe in ya Chris just like I believed in him. Ya are destined for greatness just like he was. Ya just have ta believe it and work for it." As finish my little speech I watch the boy quickly try to wipe away the tears that have started to flow from his eyes.
"I'm sorry." He sniffles out obviously ashamed of his tears.
"Don't be. I use ta think I was weak if I cried, if I eva' showed a sign of emotion too, but Leo taught me that it's not weakness its strength and trust ta be able ta share that emotion wit someone." I said softly as I pulled the young boy into my arms. He began to cry harder and I felt a few tears slip past my defense and trail down my cheek as well. We pulled away after some time and sat back look at each other.
"I really wish I could have gotten to know Leo better." The boy whispers so quietly that I almost don't hear him as he wipes the tears from his face.
"I do too kiddo, I do too." I tilt his chin up to look at me before I speak again. "But I know that he's proud of ya and so are we." The kid nods trying his hardest to not let the tears fall again. Stubborn kid, but hell I did say he was like Leo didn't I and Leo was probably the most stubborn bastard I knew.
"Thanks Raph."
"Yeah no problem. Now I'ma go shower. Ya eva' need anything ya come ta me ight." He nods his head in agreement and I place a comforting hand on his shoulder as I get up to leave.
The shower was great, a wonderful way to clear my head. I let out a sigh of relief as I leave that bathroom. I feel pretty good all things considered. That is until I walk past my little brother's door. I catch a fairy strange faint sound, so I listen closer. It almost sounds like crying. I let out a sigh. It always kills me when my brothers are hurting in anyway. I am not the greatest turtle for the job as I don't really deal with emotions well, mine and others. However, I know as the oldest now it's my job to make sure all my little brothers are safe, happy, and healthy. Oh man though Leo give me your strength. I take a deep breath as I knock on the door.
"Mikey, I'ma comin' in ight?"
"Okay…" I hear a soft hoarse voice reply back and I open the door to find Mikey lying on his bed with his face buried in his pillow. I make my way over to his bed and take a seat on the end of it. I take another deep breath as a lay what I hope is a comforting hand on his shell.
"What's wrong Mikey?" I ask softly. Mikey lifts his head from his pillow and I can finally see his red puffy eyes and the silent tears that are still streaming down his face.
"I-I…was watching…TV," He stutters out sniffle in between each word. "when…Space Heroes came…on." Oh shit that was Leo's favorite TV show growing up and we have been avoiding it like the plague. Poor Mikey accidently stumbled across it.
"Oh Mike…" I say as I pull my brother into a sitting position so I can hug him. He starts to cry harder again and I try my best to be comforting. "Shh it's ight Mike." I whisper to him as I rub circles on his shell with my hand. I sit there with him for as long as he needs, just letting him cry it all out. He pulls away after a few moments though to look me in the eyes.
"Raph I still miss him so much." He whispers out, his voice hoarse from cry.
"I know Mike me too. Me too."
"Will it ever get any easier?" I want to lie to him and tell him yes it will definitely be easier, but it's been five years and it's still not any easier. Plus, I have always hated lying to my brothers even if it would help them.
"Ya know what Mike? I don't think so. I mean it's a lot like when ya sprained ya's wrist ya know? That hurt really bad at first then it was just kind of painfully. And finally ya healed, but that wrist never quite healed back right. It'll always still be vulnerable to injury again. Kind of like us we have healed and we can look back at the good times, but something stupid like seein' his favorite show it can bring all dat pain right back and hurt us all over again." He nods his head in agreement and I hope that I at least made some sense to him. I have never been the best with words. I always find it hard to convey what I am thinking or feeling.
"Thank you Raph." He said smiling as he wipes the last few tears from his cheeks. "You've done good bro. Leo would be so proud of you." And just like that he has turned the tables on me and now I am the one about to cry. I take another deep breath as I choke down all of the emotions threatening to escape from me.
"Thanks Mike. Now don'tcha forget that April and Case'll be here in an hour." I remind him and he nods back to me. I lift myself from off the end of his mattress. I give him one last smile before exiting his room. Once outside his door I can final drop the big, strong brother act. My shoulders drop and I feel like a giant boulder has just been place on them. Holy shit Leo, how did you do this all the time? I just shake my head even in death my big brother amazes me.
Diner goes by quickly and soon we are all gathered in the living room chatting about this and that. Casey's talking to me about the new tune up on his bike, when suddenly I realize something is wrong. Donnie is missing. He's not in here talking and laughing with us. He's not in here remembering Leo's life with us. I feel my blood begin to boil. How dare he skip something this important? How dare he skip something we do for Leo? I was going to find him.
"One second Case I'll be right back." I tell Casey cutting him off as I walk away to find my selfish brother.
I find him the first place I look, his lab of course. I don't bother knocking not with how pissed off I am at the moment. "What the hell Don?" I ask basically scream at my younger brother. "We are supposed to be celebrating Leo and you're hiding out in your lab. What gives? His head snaps up to look at me and his eyes are wide.
"I…well I…" He stutters trying to give a good reason quickly, but that is difficult since I surprised him.
"Well spit it out Don." I growl out cutting him off in the process.
"Look Raph I just…I just need some time. I had to collect my thoughts." My anger dies quickly at his statement, well more at his body langue. He looks utterly defeated. I let out a sigh and place a comforting hand on his shoulder. Don looks up at me in confusion.
"Look I know how hard this is trust me. I hate this day just as much as ya, but we've gotta' do it. We hafta do it for Leo bro. This day'll never get easier ya know dat, but we hafta let our family support us through it, Don." Don lets out a snort and I watch a small smile grace his face.
"I know Raph, but thank you." He replies back laying a hand on my shoulder as well. "I know that you had to learn the hard way that you need this family to support you. I'm sorry I was being stupid and thought I didn't need you guys. That since it's been five years I could handle this on my own. I guess I was trying to prove something to myself, but it was stupid and I was wrong."
"Ya's welcome and don't be sorry we all deal wit things our own way, but don'tcha ever forget dat this family needs ya, Don."
"I know Raph, thank you." He pauses to look at me with a smirk on his face. "When did you get so smart?"
"Oh, shut it genius and let's go." I playfully growl out as I follow Donnie out of the lab and back into the living room.
We ended up laughing and talking most of the night until Mikey saw that there was a Space Heroes marathon on TV tonight. We all agreed that it was only right to watch it, no matter how stupid that show is. I have to admit I enjoyed it though, lying amongst my brothers and Chris, who is my brother now, watching Leo's favorite show was comforting. The night was coming to an end though. Master Splinter had already retired to bed for the evening and Case and April had left to go back home.
I looked over at my brothers to see them all pass out asleep. I let a small smile grace my face at the sight and I began to clean up our mess as silently as I could. Once the lair was picked up I grabbed some extra blankets and threw them on my brothers. I made sure all three of them looked comfortable before turning off the TV and heading to my own bed. I wouldn't be able to fall asleep on the floor with, not that I'd be able to fall asleep in my hammock either, but I wanted to think alone for a while.
I reach my room and flop down into the hammock though I know sleep won't come easily I am drained. Think about everything we've been through up to this point. How we've all come such a long way. How we've all had to grow and adapt to overcome this situation and I'm proud of us because we are all still here and we are all still living live. It's just like Leo would want and with that thought I strangely fall asleep quickly.
That night I had dream I was standing in the dojo and in walks Leo. I feel the breath hitch in my throat. He looked good not the way I tend to remember him covered in blood and dying, but how he always was strong, whole, and comforting. I feel myself instantly relax in his comforting presence. His piercing blue eyes stare into mine and that small smile graces his face. I always loved that smile.
"Hello Raph." He speaks out into the quietness of the empty dojo. I feel myself shiver at the sound of his voice I sound I hadn't heard in so long. I take a deep calming breath to keep my emotions in check.
"Hey." I respond back lamely, but Leo doesn't seem to mind his smile just grows wider and he takes a couple step towards me. Enough that he could touch me now or I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to. I don't though in fear he will disappear through my hands. Leo does however as he lays a hand on my shoulder to comfort me. The familiar weight of it is wonderful and I force myself to hold back the tears. Fuck I've missed him. I've missed everything about him.
"You have done a great job little brother." He says his eyes never leaving mine, conveying the sincerity of his words. My throat tightens at his words and I feel an overwhelming sense of pride. The smile is still on his face and I feel like his eyes are trying to tell me a million different things. I hope he can see all I'm trying to say with my eyes.
All those words I didn't say to him. How I love him and I'm sorry for all the stupid fights. How I miss him so much it hurts. How we need him. How I'll never be the leader he was. Something flashes in his eyes and I know he understands. I feel warmth fill me and the guilt I've carried around all these years begin to fade away. "But now you need to sleep little brother." He says softly. "Don't worry I'll watch over you all. Good night I love you." He finishes and I feel the darkness over take me and as much as I don't want to leave him I know I need to. I am exhausted and I need sleep. Sleep comes all too easy and I sleep the best have in a long time knowing Leo is watching over us.