Tino's little life was so blissful until the story I am about to tell you. Tino lived in a little land where his happiness could never be rained upon but only expanded. He had his humble castle in the clouds which held his worldly possessions. He owned an adorable little dragon to woof at unsuspecting invaders of his castle. He had his prince who had the length potential to reach all those shelves Tino could never get to by himself.
But as his prince walked out of the castle and jumped from the clouds, Tino found his castle itself be pushed off the clouds and into the rocky seas of reality. However Tino was never the one to surrender easily.
As aforementioned, one little problem Tino did face was Berwald. The two of them together never fit in any clear box when it came to their relationship. It was a simple lack of communication. Tino was afraid to admit his feelings to Berwald in case Berwald then left. This created an unhealthy paradox as this meant that Tino could never ask Berwald how he felt, as a similar outcome could happen. As Tino kept this paradox alive, he and Berwald could be seen as both being single and taken at the same time. So the Finnish man chose to inwardly assume that they were living the perfect relationship whilst ignoring the reality of his problem.
Tino spent the most of his days planning festivals and preparing for Christmas. He agreed to do the housework and walk the dog whilst Berwald pottered about in the workshop making furniture and glassworks. In return, Berwald fixed the IKEA furniture that Tino clumsily pieced together and help with the housework Tino could not be bothered to finish himself.
On the day of this chapter, however, Tino was forced out of the house by Berwald. Berwald had grabbed the smaller man once he had finished lunch and lead him to the door.
"Berwald! What are you doing?"
"Go outside and play." He stated, pushing Tino outside. Tino's heart sank when he heard Berwald's key rustle and the click of the door lock. Tino knocked on the door, realising he had nothing to do outside.
"Hey, Berwald! Can I have my laptop so I can talk to Eduard?"
He heard a soft grunt from behind the door and, after the padding of feet, Berwald came back with Tino's laptop. Tino nestled himself down on the grass a few paces away from his house and video called Eduard to check up on festival plans.
"So, Eduard," Tino babbled excitedly as the familiar look of his friend popped up on his screen, "I came up with more ideas for our festival plans."
"Go on?"
"We could have a cat-appreciation festival! We could have a wide variety of meats and fishes and drink milk and wear cat ear and…"
"…No. Dogs are cuter."
"But we did a festival for dogs last year. Why can't cats have a festival this year?"
"We won't make a profit."
Tino puffed so his fringe lifted up slightly.
"Why are you outside?"
"Berwald kicked me out."
Eduard's eyes shone with so much sympathy that Tino became quite unnerved.
"You can come and live with me if you need to, Tino. You know that, right?"
"Yes, Eduard, I know. I think he's trying to make something and he doesn't want me in his way."
Eduard smiled simply and pushed up his glasses. Tino smiled back at him and fixed his collar. A moment of pathetic silence passed. Tino could not think of anything to fill that daunting silence. That silence that had always threatened his castle in the clouds.
"So… How's those… Other two guys?"
Nailed it.
"They're… I don't know. We don't live together anymore so I don't really talk to them anymore."
Tino puffed his cheeks out. He became grateful that he knew he had a nice family and a few friends to talk to. Poor Eduard did not seem to have anyone in particular.
"Do you want to come over for tea sometime? If Berwald will let us inside, that is."
"No way! Have you seen your husband? He looks like a psycho, I ain't messing with that."
"You spend too much time with Kiku."
"Don't we all?"
The two then ended their video chat out of embarrassment. Tino could normally ramble for Europe but on this day he felt his stomach lurch about restlessly. He decided to continue video calling regardless and closed his eyes. At random he pointed at a name on the screen and hit the call button.
"Hey, Matthias!"
"Hey, ugly!"
"I see I'm online again. Does this mean you'll be going the gym today?"
Matthias pulled a face that even I cannot describe with accurate meaning.
"You read that? I thought you were offline."
"I was. But sometimes I go back and read the group messages."
"Lukas was right. You're crazy."
The protagonist of this story stuck out his tongue and waggled it. Then he giggled at his own audacity.
"Well, with acknowledgement to your smooth reference to my awesome retort before, I'm heading off to the gym! And so should you at some point, fatty!"
"You should get your hair cut, Sonic!"
"Your banter has so passed its cartwheel insurance!"
"Your speech is so common that Berwald knows more ways to grunt than you do words!"
"Aww, don't get Berwald involved. This banter match is between me and you, porky!"
"Get lost, Snow Queen!"
"Okay, Fin-lad that was a good one. But seriously, I'm leaving."
Matthias had pressed the end button before Tino even had the chance to breathe. Tino laughed at their odd little conversation and decided that it was only right to check up on Emil and Lukas. Since they were not online, Tino called Natalya instead.
Natalya appeared on Tino's screen, her golden hair so neatly brushed and her lips so delicately pursed. Tino always forgot just how wonderful she looked until he remembered to video call her. She smiled like the Mona Lisa and greeted Tino.
"So, how's the knife collection going?" Tino asked brightly. A less known quirk about Tino was that he and Natalya got on quite well. They both liked to talk about their weapon collection and their odd 'lovers', as they were affectionately known.
"My lover took the whole lot away. He said he might mail them to you. You'll store them safe for me, right?"
"Of course! I will put them in a separate box and make sure to polish them."
The two smiled at each other and nodded.
"How is your lover?" The less psychotic of the two continued.
"He's still a bit shy. I think he's worried I'll damage myself with those knives. How about your lover?"
"He's locked me out of the house."
"Mine's done the same thing!" Natalya gasped and then gestured around her. Tino laughed politely. Then the first thoughts of uncertainty bombarded his fictional castle. What if Berwald was playing the same tactics as Ivan? Was Berwald ever going to let him back inside? Was he scared to leave in case Tino attacked him?
"Tino, are you okay? You look upset."
"If Berwald doesn't let me back inside, can I come and live with you?" Tino asked desperately before he could even think twice. Natalya nodded but frowned.
"Eduard kind of had his hopes on you living with him, though."
"Oh."
The two smiled at each other awkwardly until Ivan barged into Natalya's room.
"Little sister, did you hide my water pipes?"
"Da, big brother. Why should you have pipes if I can't have knives?" Natalya said 'affectionately', "I'll talk to you soon Tino!"
"Okay, bye!"
Tino hung up just in time as he noticed that Berwald had opened the door.
Tino felt somewhat invaded when he walked about the house with Berwald's large hands over his eyes. He grabbed at the once familiar world around him but found nothing to use as a clue. Berwald carefully stepped forward which forced Tino to do so or be trampled on. After what seemed like a long, solar eclipse, Tino felt a surface in front of him. Smooth, cold, large- it was the dining table. Berwald slowly allowed light to enter in between his fingers until Tino could see what Berwald did to the dining room. Well first off he did not sort through those piles of papers in the corner despite Tino telling him every day. Berwald had swarmed the dining table in candles, so much so that Tino refused to move in case one knocked over and created a domino effect. Laid on the table was a delicate bowl full of kissel with some home-made sweets balanced on the edge of the bowl. Tino gasped, looking up at Ber. He thought that the other man never listened to him when he whined about his cravings for sweets.
"It was either this or pizza." Berwald remarked before sitting down opposite Tino, who in turn took a seat and stared at his bowl.
"Thank you very much!" Tino grinned from ear to ear, tapping at the sweet dish with his spoon. He delicately put a little quantity on his spoon and tasted it. Berwald had used bilberries, just as Tino wanted. It was just the right thickness with the right sweetness too.
"Good?"
"Yes, it's lovely!"
Tino took an alcoholic sweet and sucked on it. He found he felt less embarrassed and less pressured to make conversation if his mouth was busy.
"Pretty."
"Hmm? Candles? Yeah." Tino mumbled with his mouth full as he tried to cram all the sweeties into his face at once.
"I meant your face." Berwald said with such severity that Tino began to take all the sweets out of his mouth in embarrassment. He internally was grateful for the darkness of the room, hoping the shadows would hide his flushed cheeks.
Ho hum.
"So… Y-Yeah… What's this for? Is it an anniversary or something?" Tino said aloud. Instantly regretting he existed, Tino panicked.
Oh wow.
I've done it now.
I've screwed up!
"Tino?"
Here we go!
"What are 'we'?"
Tino could have laughed if he was not stuck in that current situation. That was a brilliant question to divert.
"We are landmasses personified as a bunch of beautiful people. I represent the nation of Finland and you represent Sweden."
"You know what I meant." Berwald stated and looked away dejectedly. Tino gasped and immediately rammed more kissel into his little mouth to divert attention from his completely crimson face. After he had successful consumed his mouth-load of dessert, Tino risked conversation.
"So, I was planning a cat…" He was cut off in his tracks by an annoyed Swede glaring at him. Normally the other man would stare at him and look as blank as a clean canvas onto which Tino could paint the ideal picture of Berwald's emotions upon. However this time Berwald's face perfectly assured Tino his inner emotion of bitterness. Tino never truly saw him look so bitter.
"Did you walk the dog?"
That question came out more desperate than Tino wanted it to. Yet again Berwald glared at him and refused to respond. After a few minutes of this eroding silence, Berwald put his bowl in the sink and snatched the leash from the hallway, not declaring anything to Tino. Not bothering to look up from his dessert, Tino continued to chip away at his dessert until he heard the familiar click of the door and the distant barking of his precious baby.
I've screwed up.
"We're married, Berwald. We've not said our vows and I've not even asked you to be my partner. We're married because I said so."
Tino looked at the empty chair and imagined the Berwald that he preferred was sat there. The one that would sit and wait until Tino was finished rambling and finished eating. The version of Berwald that would only go bed if Tino was ready. The nice Berwald with the stern but somewhat blank expression on his face. The imaginary Berwald grunted and nodded at Tino's explanation.
The smaller man lived in a daze. He did the dishes but could not remember doing them. He could feel how minty his mouth was but could not remember brushing his teeth. He could not remember combing his fringe or changing clothes. Did not even remember climbing into bed. All he remembered was how dull the white ceiling was as he stared at it, trying to aimlessly distract himself from those pesky italics.
I've screwed up.
Where is he?
Has he moved back home and took the baby with him?
Would Emil and Lukas let him move back?
Tino stared at the book case. His arms felt like they had been ran over by a bus; his legs felt like the other Nordics had decided to sit on them all at the same time (which had happened before). He stretched out his hand just in case he had the psychic power of being able to grab a book from afar. Naturally that did not work, or else this fanfic would have went so differently. Underneath his bedroom, Tino could hear the two return home again. He listened intently to Berwald getting ready, even being able to hear the soft hum of Berwald's headphones playing ABBA. Just as he could hear the soft tapping of Berwald's slippers approach the door, Tino lost his consciousness and was succumbed by the demon of sleep.
Tino dreamt that he had gained consciousness in a world of no substance. The ground, the surroundings, and the sky- they were incomprehensible and incomparable. The best I can do, dear reader, is to describe an oil canvas that was spoilt in a moment of anger so that the purple mixed and swirled with the black. Where did the purple start and where did the black end? Where did the ground start and when did the sky start? Did this world of dream have a sky, a sweet opening to look up to?
"Where am I?"
Immediately Tino felt stupid. Who was going to ask that, the narrator? The sandman? Stupid Tino.
"You are in my domain now, sweet child."
Tino jumped but never felt his feet land. It was like he was floating in this horrible oil canvas. He floated towards the sound of the voice. Who was it? What was that accent? Why did that voice make Tino's very essence ache?
"Yes, yes, float here."
"Who are you?" Tino called out, floating in no specific direction. With a sudden gargle, a man appeared. He made the canvas turn darker so that the purple never existed. The black shadows began to take hold of Tino's boots.
"I'm the very personification of silence." The man laughed. Tino strained his eyes to make him out. Grey hair… Grey eyes… Grey skin… Could it just be Steve?
"That's such a pathetic thing to say," Tino growled, kicking one of the shadows off of his boot. The man pinched our little one's chin, grinning at him with ghoul-like teeth.
"I am Silence. I slip my way into your conversation, into your life and make myself at home. I am the cruel one who makes you babble so desperately to fill me. I am Silence and you hate me."
Tino lowered his eyes to glare at the grey freak in front of him. The freak snarled at him and kicked another shadow off the Finnish man's boots. Silence conjured up a small picture of a castle with clouds.
"What's that?"
"Well, Tino, it's the metaphor for your happy little dreams. Your tiny castle with your tiny dragon and your not-so-tiny prince."
"Oh! I always call my house my little castle! This one time I and Berwald successfully dressed Hanatamago up as a dragon and we even made our own moat out of these cute little blue flowers."
"Tino, for the sake of noise, shut up. I know, okay? I'm Silence, I know everything for I manage to get everywhere. Now do you see your little castle?"
Tino nodded and concentrated on the picture. Silence smiled and dropped the picture into the abyss of shadows. The shadows now gained the energy to crawl up the poor man's legs.
"Follow your precious castle, Tino. Let the shadows consume you. Let them take you back to reality."
The shadows reached Tino's neck. A sharp shiver rattled through his body as his vision went completely into the abyss.
"Matthias!"
"Berwald, what are you doing in my dream?" Tino asked the black void.
"Berwald!"
"Matthias? You too?"
"Tino! Please!"
"Lukas? Great. Emil, do you have anything to contribute before I wake up?"
"Top bants."
"Thanks, Emil."
Tino felt his consciousness return. He looked over at Berwald, sleepily. Berwald was staring right back at him.
"You shivered. I thought you were cold."
Tino noticed that Berwald had sacrificed his half of the duvet to Tino and had wrapped his arms around him. Tino blushed a little but found no words in his brain. Where were those words? Those words he needed to fill the sodding silence… Where had they gone to?
"The silence, it hurts."
Tino was pretty sure his mouth was still dreaming. Berwald answered with a calmness that was terrible to his character.
"It's going to get worse."
Berwald withdrew his arms and turned over. The coldness sneaked into Tino's burrito of blankets as silence came back to harm him. Tino, in the harsh dark, thought he could see the gap between the two of them widen. Maybe it did.
Tino, surrendering for now, retreated to his most adored: the castle in the sky.