Disclaimer: I do not own the X Files
Note: Sorry it has been so long between work and a wedding and a funeral I have been super busy and have also found myself a bit stumped. I think I know where to go next though! Sorry if this chapter is rough I only read it over once so it might be choppy but stick with me. Let me know thoughts, feelings, critiques, ideas that you have! I hope you enjoy!
P.S: If you are reading The Day After it is not forgotten! I am just having a wee bit of writers block mixed with some perfectionism. A new chapter will arrive soon!
Fear
Mulder ran down the narrow hallway following William. He could not remember what they were running from but he knew it was something bad. Every once in a while William would look over his shoulder every few seconds which would cause Mulder to look over his own. He was always met with an empty hallway. He did not know how long they ran till he saw the dead end but he felt fear in his chest and prepared himself to protect his son against whatever evil they were running from. William hit the end of the hallway and was panicking and pounding on the walls. He turned around to look at Mulder who was now behind him and his face filled with terror.
"Don't hurt me!" He yelled crouching down on the floor with his hands covering his head.
"William I would never…" He trailed off as he looked in front of him into a mirror. In the mirror he was not met with his own face but with the face of his biological father, C.G.B. Spender. He moved back in surprise.
"No! I am not him! William I won't hurt you!" He tried to get near his son but William would flinch away every time.
"Please! This is not me!"
Scully's eyes shot open when Mulder began to struggle in his sleep on the cot next to where she was sitting. He was making quick movements and mumbling unintelligibly and his face was a mask of pain.
"Mulder." Scully said quietly as she put her hand to his face, "Mulder it's ok."
"I'm not him…" Was the only thing Scully understood in his mumbled response.
"Mulder it's just a dream wake up."
His movements became more violent and Scully moved her face close to him and whispered in his ear, "Mulder it is just a dream, you're safe."
Years of practice had taught her that Mulder just needed to hear her voice to be brought back to reality.
His eyes opened and the sight of Scully's face calmed him a bit. She said nothing and just ran her hands through his hair and along his face until she could tell he had recovered from whatever pain the nightmare had brought.
"Scully we can't take William. Or I can't at least." He said so quietly she had to move her ear near his mouth.
"What would make you say something like that?" Scully asked although she had a few fears herself about taking in William she knew that this was what they had dreamed of for so long.
"My father Scully. My biological father. That is in me. All of that evil is inside of me and it is not like my dad was that great of an example of a father. I will just screw him up! It is unsafe."
Scully didn't bat an eye at this revelation, she knew Mulder was haunted by his lineage, "Mulder you do realize that the same biology exists in William? So if it is the biology argument you are going for it is not going to hold up. And tons of people have crappy parents and are still able to be good parents your fears are unfounded. It was just a nightmare."
"You didn't experience it Scully. He was so scared of me and I don't blame him. The Smoking Man messed with my head for years I would not be surprised if some kind of hidden darkness in me comes out as soon as things start to go well. I don't want any of that around William."
"You are not making sense Mulder." Scully began to stroke his face again to calm him but it seemed to do nothing.
"I can't be a good father."
"That is bull shit. You are just scared. You don't think that I'm scared Mulder? You don't think that I wonder about the things that were done to me and think they maybe screwed me up? Hell, I was the one who gave him up how do I know I am even strong enough to be a real mother?" She whispered all of this at him fiercely through gritted teeth.
It was his turn to raise his hand to her face, "Scully you will be the perfect mother." His face was so earnest that it broke her heart. She wondered how he could say that of her but question himself.
"Mulder no one is a perfect parent. I had a good childhood but I know my parents made a LOT of mistakes and I did have some lingering issues in adulthood because of some of those mistakes but that is life! And hey! We are getting him near the end here so how bad can we really mess him up?" She said the last part lightly trying to get a smile from him and it worked.
"I just don't want to be like him."
"You're not like him Mulder. You have said it yourself; you're a middle-aged man. You have made it this far and you are not like him at all. He was (is?) a sociopath Mulder you are not. He saw people as a means to an end and you don't. He never worried for a moment about being a good father and the fact that you are worried is proof enough that you are not like him."
Mulder quietly pulled her face closer to his and they kissed softly for a moment before Scully's cell phone rang from across the room.
The noise surprised both of them, as no one had been able to get service for quite some time. Scully jumped up praying that it was one of her brothers.
"Scully." She said not even looking at the ID.
Skinner was on the other end of the call and while Scully's face fell a bit after she realized it was not her family. Skinner had been out searching for answers with the young Agent Miller. Scully was not exactly sure what they had been up to and honestly did not care very much. She knew they were tracking both Gibson and the Smoking Man but she had so much else on her mind that she had not given them much thought.
Skinner had called mostly to tell her that they knew nothing. He told her what he had learned about the fate of the rest of the world. Scully asked him to try to find out about her brothers and also asked if he could look into the Van De Kamp family and see what other relatives William had.
She had not told Mulder what their boss was up to because she worried he would want to get up and join them before he was ready to be active. She knew that he was brimming with curiosity and wanted answers but she could tell he was holding back for her sake and for Williams. He was also tired. She could tell when she looked at him. The past few days had worn on him in a way he was not yet ready to share.
After she hung up she looked back into the room from where she had moved in the hall.
Mulder was sitting up in bed watching William sleep. William for his part seemed to be getting some real rest, which was comforting to Scully. She watched them for a few minutes and pondered their future.
Three days after Leah's death Scully decided the boys needed to leave the hospital. Her apartment was not far from the hospital and she had made a couple trips to feed Dagoo and gather personal items. She thought it would be best to send them there until everything was figured out. The streets were still being cleared and getting out of the city would be hard. Scully also wanted them close and her apartment was walking distance.
Everyday they awaited news of some sort of alien attack or government overthrow but none came and for some reason this worried them more. Whatever the colonists planned it seemed that it was going to happen much more quietly. Scully was helping William pack the weekend bag he had brought with him when they had traveled there. She had moved Leah's things to her locker after her death and was still not quiet sure what to do with it.
She had not opened it and had not asked William about it and he had not brought it up. She supposed that these were things to worry about at a later time. William leaned forward on the bed as Scully turned toward him. She noticed something on the back of his neck that made her heart stop. She moved forward slightly trying to get a closer look but his hair was in the way.
"William, what is that on the back of your neck?" She asked trying to sound nonchalant.
His hand went to the back of his neck and he rubbed it for a second and responded, "I don't know actually. My mom said that I had it when they got me. Why do you know what it is?"
A mixture of rage and fear filled Scully as she tried to formulate a response, "No I don't I was just wondering."
William narrowed his eyes, "What is it?"
Scully let out a sigh and looked up for a moment to see Mulder standing in the doorway with a worried look painted across his face.
"I have a scar just like it on the back of my neck as well. It was made by a group of men who abducted me and the scar was created when they put something in my neck."
William's eyes widened a bit but he did not seem as surprised as she thought he should have been. She wished yet again that he didn't have to see normalcy in sentences like that.
"You think they did that to me?"
"No no no! I was just curious. Can I look at it?"
He moved his head so she could hold it and brush aside the hair that barely covered it. Sure enough there was a small incision scar at the base of his neck. She tried not to react and raised her eyes to meet Mulders. She nodded her head to him and he just dropped his.
"William before we leave the hospital I want to get a quick x-ray of your neck just to make sure." She was amazed at how normal her voice sounded and she hoped he didn't hear the panic she was feeling.
"Ok."
William wasn't stupid. He knew that Scully was upset by what she found on his neck. He had never really wondered much about it. It seemed like there were so many other odd things about him and that seemed like the least of it but if Dana had a matching scar it must mean something.
After getting the x-ray he waited in a chair in the waiting room with Mulder. Mulder's knee bounced quickly and he was looking down at his hands.
"What is going to happen to me?" William asked quietly.
Mulder's knee stopped bouncing and he turned in William's direction.
"Well, we, uh… For now Scully and I are will take you in." He said then added nervously, "If that is what you want at least."
"I would like that."
They both went back to an awkward silence that was filled with countless questions.
Scully held back a sob as she looked at the x-ray. She saw a small flat chip right under the scar. She didn't know what to do now. Everything spun for a moment as she tried to consider the options. But then realized that there were no options. There was nothing they could do. They certainly couldn't remove it and if they couldn't remove it they would never be able to get a good look at it. Knowing what happened to her when the chip was removed she knew that she could never tamper with whatever was in his neck.
The fact that he had it when he arrived at the Van De Kamp's home was almost too much to take. How could she ever think he would be safe away from her? She took a few minutes to collect herself before going to rejoin Mulder and William.
They both looked up quickly when she entered the room.
"Ready to go?" She said trying to sound unbothered.
William squinted at her, "What did you find?"
"Well there is something there as I thought but you are healthy and fine and there is nothing we can really do about it. I am sure it is nothing important." She could tell William saw right through her but he said nothing. They walked back to the apartment in silence as all three thought about the mysterious object in the back of William's neck. He couldn't stop reaching his hand to touch it after a few times Dana noticed and took his hand in hers as they walked. He knew that he should feel too old for such a gesture but he could tell that Dana was already nervous that he would let go and, honestly, he liked it. Her hand was warm and familiar and the contact made him feel safe.
When they reached the apartment Dana opened the door for them to go in. Dagoo ran to greet them and jumped and sniffed allover William. For the first time since his mom died a smile found its way across his face and he laughed at the antics of the small dog.
"That dog belonged to a were-lizard or were-man… an ancient lizard that turned into a man at night…" Mulder trailed off, as he was still confused about that case.
William laughed and Scully just shook her head.
"Will… after you get settled we need to talk I'll show you where everything is." Dana led him to the bedroom where he put his things. The apartment was two rooms and a kitchenette. Temporary living for Scully and mostly bare as she had started slowly moving things back to the little house in the country. William went into the bathroom and Scully went right to Mulder in the other room.
"It was there Mulder. In the exact same place. I sent him away to keep him safe but I just put him in danger. They knew where he was the whole time and we didn't!" Scully whispered to him.
He put his hands on her shoulders, "What can we do?"
"Nothing. We can't remove it and I am afraid to do anything to it. There's nothing we can do."
"For now, Scully. We will figure this out once the dust clears."
William came out and sat on the couch with a bit of a huff. Scully came and sat next to him and Mulder sat on the other side. Dagoo leapt onto the couch and settled himself between William and Dana which brought a smile to both their faces.
"We found this the other day and think you should read it." Scully carefully pulled out the paper that held the last will and testament of Leah Van De Kamp.
William read it to himself and then just stared at the paper.
It hit him in that moment that his mom was not coming back. She was really gone and it was his fault. William's mind had always worked at the speed of light and never slowed down but now he suddenly found himself at a loss. He realized that if they had not come to D.C. she might have still been alive.
He glanced over at his birth father who he also realized would have been dead if he had not come to D.C. He looked at Dana but couldn't look her in the eye because he knew if he did he would cry.
He had always wanted to know his birth parents if he had known it would come at such a high cost he never would have perused it.
Knowing that he could stay with them was a comfort beyond words but the fact would always remain that while they were his birth parents they were not his mom and dad.
Mom.
He finally met Scully's eyes, which were filled with such hope and sadness that a vision suddenly clouded his brain.
Dana was looking at him crying, sobbing really, and clutching him tight.
"Monica I don't think I can do it." She said through sobs, "I'm not strong enough."
"You don't have to do it Dana. You can still change your mind." The answer came from outside his vision but he recognized it from his dreams.
"He needs a real life. He needs a chance. This is the only way I can give him a life that will not be filled with pain and danger. He deserves a normal childhood with parents who are not haunted by aliens and government conspiracies. He deserves better than me and he will get it."
"Dana no one will love him like you do. We can keep him safe."
"I've made my decision, I just need help in carrying it out. When they come I'm going to resist. I need you to keep me strong. Remind me, Monica, of why I am doing this. He will have the life he deserves even if it breaks my heart. He will have the mother he deserves."
The vision disappeared and he was still looking into the eyes of his birth mother. She was not his mom. She could never replace his mom but he knew no one loved him like she did.