Erwin stared at the hand in front of him, vision blurring with the downward rush of blood. The earth fell out from under him, yet he didn't move.
He wasn't naive enough to think it wasn't possible. Certainly it was. But to me?
A deep, ragged breath struggled into his lungs as his face went numb. He reached up and touched his features, felt the caterpillar eyebrows and almost hidden worry lines on his forehead.
My nose is cold. My cheeks are cold. He felt his fingers; they were going cold too.
The dropping sensation that followed the rush of blood took his entire center through the floor. If not for the chair he was firmly seated in all 6 feet and 3 inches of his being would have sprawled gracelessly on the floor.
His stomach twinged in protest of the dropping feeling, hairs on the back of his arms rising in agreement. We don't like this feeling. His organs were warm though, almost uncomfortably surrounded by cushions of blood. Squeezed.
Erwin swallowed hard, pulling at the bolo tie at his throat as if it's constriction were causing the issue. The other hand came to rest on his stomach, wondering if this morning he'd finally give in and upchuck his breakfast.
A vibration rattled through the floor. Erwin blinked quickly, looking out of the bay window in front of him and forgetting the dropped book he'd been reaching for when the realization hit him. Sunlight, warm and radiant streamed in at a descending angle that lit half his desk in tones of warm honey.
The vibration rattled his toes again, firmly wedged into his military issue boots. It wasn't unusual to feel things with ones toes, but usually you can't feel them through shoes. The upward rush as his center of gravity acceded again made him consciously glad for the chair. As if he could afford a fall now.
"Come in," he heard himself say, though what that voice sounded like was behind him.
Suddenly people.
Behind his desk with him.
Such a small space for so many people. Erwin was big, but not the biggest man stationed at the Survey Corps headquarters.
I can feel my toes.
"Erwin." It was the numbered time that familiar voice said his name that the rushing blood finally cleared from his ears and he heard something other than his own biology recognizing itself.
A deep breath. Hanji knelt on the floor in front of him, a hand over the one on his stomach – please stay put, he begged the contents – while someone else had taken the other. The hand was so recognizable, so familiar Erwin resisted the urge to rub it along his face for comfort. Mike wouldn't stop him, but it would do work on his career as an up-and-comer, not to mention his relationship with Nanaba.
"Erwin." This time it was Mike, the deep baritone of the taller man's voice soothing in a deliberate way. Mike could do vocally what Erwin wouldn't do physically. Mike had never once attempted to domineer Erwin and it made both of them better brothers in arms.
Of course Mike was an anomaly.
Hanji checked his vitals; pulse, pupils, sensitivity to touch, even smell. Erwin tilted his chin to give them better access to his scent, eyes sliding back to the blue sky outside the large window.
Why would I do this to myself?
"Mike... I'm going to be sick."
The trash can found it's way between Erwin's feet in the time it took the contents of his stomach to make their way up his esophagus. Porridge and heavily creamed coffee splattered over crumbled papers in three waves.
Now he was shaking.
"... shock." Hanji was saying. "You're in shock." Their hand was on his back, rubbing between the 3DMG harness and shoulder blades. "Lay down somewhere. I'll go get Commander Shadis."
Hanji stood to leave, and Erwin's hand lashed out to catch that fleeing wrist. "Don't," he said, swallowing as his mouth watered again for another round of vomit. Hanji stayed put, tethered to Erwin by that hand, as he dry vomited saliva into the trash can. Erwin was glad Hanji didn't play by role rules: Shadis was not his top priority right now.
Mike pressed a handkerchief to Erwin's mouth and Erwin takes it, breathing into it and wiping the residue.
A knock on the door.
Erwin's eyes watered with his body forcibly expelling it's contents and scent selling him out. He knew who it was and didn't want that one – anyone – to see this. I can only care about me right now.
Mike, in that way of his which had no words, silently asked for orders. Erwin released his hand. Mike nodded. Stood. Went to the door. Said a few words. Came back.
"He's gone."
Erwin nodded. The tears were wet, large, stuck to his lower eyelids and lashes when he blinked. His vision literally swam. Yet they weren't moving. Hanji practically melted in sympathy, going back to their knees and rubbing Erwin's shoulders once more. Both Mike and Hanji smelled of distress and concern. Neither of them pushed the seated man to do anything right now, and thankfully neither of them tried to scent-trick him out of what his body was doing.
Not that Hanji would but Mike was such a pro at scent tricking he hardly ever had to talk to convey his mood or change someone else's. The man was walking aromatherapy for the distressed, angry, and love-struck when he wanted to be. A reliable and dependable skill which made him an excellent leader, if a bit quiet otherwise.
Erwin tried to stand, to head for the couch that lined one wall of his tiny office, and practically fell on Mike when his numbed extremities refused to move as fast as his momentum. Hanji caught him, pulled an arm around their narrower shoulders and hauled him to the couch. For all that Hanji was not tiny, they were not large either. Their physical strength came from literally wrestling titans; the reminder of which made Erwin feel not so bad for nearly squashing them sitting down.
Mike immediately began stripping his boots as Hanji unclasped the more restricting harness buckles. Erwin eased back, arm over his eyes while the other hand completely removed the bolo tie and let it drop to the floor. Tell tale.
Some things are more important.
A knock on the door.
Hanji looked at Mike looked at Erwin looked at Mike – Mike got up and went to the door.
They were close this time so the other's voice was more clear, even if it were muffled by 6 feet and four inches of Mike's gargantuan height.
The other person, a man, was saying, "... trash can liner. Disgusting."
Erwin groaned. Yes, he didn't use any type of trash can liner. All he'd ever thrown away were papers. Wet contents had their own disposal area to cut down on mold and flies. Especially with newly acquired recruit Levi's penchant for refusing to do work unless the areas he were working in were clean top to bottom. That meant people who had their own offices had quickly gotten used to not throwing away wet things in dry-trash-only cans. That is, unless they didn't mind meetings with Levi turning into non-stop commenting on how even people in the Underground can manage to keep trash from molding.
Erwin felt sorry for whatever cadet would be cleaning out his trash can latter.
Mike closed the door again. Erwin lifted his arm just to double check Levi hadn't been let in, then lowered it when Mike was obviously alone. He would have smelled if Levi had gotten in, but visual double-checks were never wasted effort. He didn't want anyone in. Not clean-freak Levi, not Commander of the Survey Corps Shadis, not even Nanaba, whom he knew was standing outside since Mike arrived, and warding others away.
Another oddity of the Survey Corpse, that one.
Mike turned from locking the door and placed a small tray on the floor beside Erwin. The smell of mint tea filled the space, and under that warm rice. Just plain, bland, warm rice.
Levi... Erwin sat up enough to take the cup of tea and prop it under his nose, letting the too-hot-to-drink-yet steam fill his sinus cavities. His stomach flopped in protest at the abrupt change of scent-scenery. Erwin burped, wondering if he'd left the trash can behind too soon.
Hanji reached over and pinched his nose. Mike looked surprised, half reaching for their hand to pull it away. You didn't put your hands on someone else's... ah, like it matters now?
"Breathe through your mouth. You're stomach won't be as startled. You're sense of smell is going to drive you nuts now. Don't overwhelm it so suddenly."
You'd know?
Of course Hanji would know. What didn't Hanji know? How to bathe.
Mike pulled back to a respectable distance, almost actively calling his own personal scent back. Hanji made no move to do the same. Erwin opened his mouth and breathed the steaming mint fragrance over what amounted to a Jacob's organ. His stomach fluttered, but settled.
Erwin relaxed. Mike leaned back in. He picked up the bowl of rice and poked at it, checking for surprises. When he only found some steamed vegetables at the bottom he handed it over.
Hanji sniffed it in approval. "I think he likes you."
Mike huffed out a laugh. There goes Hanji again, always ignoring the bad in favor of any sliver of good.
Erwin and Levi weren't on the best of terms, everyone knew. Erwin came back from the last mission with deep lacerations to his left hand that could only have come from the flesh paring blades. Since the incident hadn't gone into the medical reports, it was obviously a deliberate attack from another Scout that Erwin covered. Everyone talked to everyone and no one fessed up. In the end Erwin had to admit to Commander Shadis that Levi, in a fit of grief over losing his pair-bonded pack, lashed out at someone he wasn't naturally inclined to take orders from. Shadis let the incident slide as far as official punishment went, but switched Levi to Erwin's squad so the "angry mutt" could "get used to it".
Commander Shadis' double edged sense of compassion hit everyone equally. The edged that hit Erwin a few nights after the mission led to the current situation.
Erwin managed a few bites of the rice and half the cup of tea. Mike's presence soothed him as it usually did when he was upset. Not anything the other man did with scent or sound, but just accessing that Erwin was upset, didn't want to be by himself, and stayed.
What Erwin didn't finish Hanji did, savoring the crisp crunch of fresh cooked vegetables. Mike finished off the tea. Food sharing was second nature to Survey Corps veterans. If you didn't eat something then you gave it to someone who would. Nothing with nutritional value went to waste. Double if it had never been frozen, dehydrated, salt cured or vacuum packed.
"You know," Hanji said near the end of the bowl, "I'm beginning to think Levi shows his affection through food." Leave it to Hanji to observe and conclude.
Mike let out a disbelieving scent. Erwin subtly breathed it in. Not because of the scent itself but because Mike is one of those people who can ground the kind of person Erwin is with scent alone. They did it without speaking.
"Really!" Hanji said, "He made you tea. For an upset stomach. He brought you bland food. With fresh vegetables. When's the last time you saw a fresh vegetable that wasn't feral radishes that grow in that abandoned garden just outside the wall?"
Before Erwin could formulate a response Mike snapped a scent response that accused Hanji of irresponsibility. One corner of Erwin's mouth came up. No doubt Mike was remembering Hanji coming to a full stop between abandoned buildings and actually getting off their horse to collect "wild radish samples". Nanaba took down two five meter titans while Mike literally tied Hanji back to their saddle and spanked the horse with the flat of a blade to get it moving again.
Speaking of Mike's other half. "Ah, Mike. You can let Nanaba in." She'll known by the end of the day anyway. His mood had shifted, wanting to pull his community around him for comfort; those that don't die easily, at least.
Mike stood, collected the dishes onto the tray and dropped it off outside the door. He brought back a distraught Nanaba in their stead. She came with more food. A second tray had another cup of almost cold green tea and a fresh fruit salad.
He eyes were spooked, like she'd seen a ghost. "He was... nice."
A shiver ran down Erwin's spine. Levi's making me food.
Hanji beamed, "Yep. He shows his affection through food." It was both a confirmation of the hypothesis to Erwin and Mike, and an introduction to said hypothesis for the blonde with the boy cut.
"Affection? You mean that look on his face that says I don't want to maim you today is affection?"
Mike scent-agreed with his mate. He handed Erwin the cup of tea and ate half the fruit salad before passing the bowl over to it's intended person. Anyone else would have scowled, but it was Mike once again checking to make sure nothing lurked in the depths of jewel toned chunks of sweetness. There hadn't been a lot in the bowl, once again showing Levi didn't know the unspoken veteran rules yet: if you make something for someone they will share it, so plan to make a lot of it.
"He's got murder in his eyes every time someone mentions Erwin." Nanaba reached over and plucked out something that looked like a cherry, then a piece of apple with the other hand when the cherry was only halfway to her mouth. "I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, and considering how much he weighs, that's a very short distance."
"So..." Mike started, then stopped, considering his words carefully, "Does this mean he's bonding? Finally?"
Erwin stopped with his hand halfway to his mouth. A wedge of orange – his favorite – hung in the air. "Perhaps. It's only been two months since he lost his pack mates. I peg him for a slow-burn kind of relationship builder. This isn't any different. Types like him – even as atypical as he is – are not loners. They build packs on instinct. It'll come in time." Erwin sounded confident. He was, for the most part. Levi was essential to humanity's future, to freeing them of the Walls.
The Walls.
Humanity was still trapped behind the Wall.
What the hell is this going to do to our chances of getting free of these damned Walls?
Nanaba and Mike both sensed the sudden change in Erwin and gave each other a knowing look.
"Erwin," Nanaba knelt down next to the squad leader's long legs, making herself smaller than the seated-cause-I'm-sick man. "Forget Levi. He's not going anywhere as long as we give him access to an endless supply of titans to kill. If hearing you vomit finally produces some protect-and-serve in the form of fruit salad then good for him. Walls know we've been putting up with his crassness for four months now and I'm this close to forcibly pulling that stick out of his ass. If this is his way of coming off that high horse then I encourage it. In the meantime, forget him. Worry about you. Do you need vitamins? I have vitamins. Do you need hot baths? I have a bath tub. Do you need water proof trash can liners? I know a guy." That guy was probably Levi.
Even without being told Nanaba had picked up on it. After all, she'd probably heard his coffee splashing into the trash can from halfway down the hall. Her hearing may not be on par with Mike's super sensitive nose, but it was good enough to catch conversations in the next room or through closed doors.
Erwin tried to smile but it was fake and they all saw it. "Rest, for now. My stomach is still flipping. I'll be fine." He handed the mostly empty mug to Hanji, who finished it off in one swallow. Fishing out the last orange wedge from the now empty bowl he handed it back to Nanaba. She took the dishes and her bond-mate and left, but not before giving Erwin a shallow hug that lasted a second longer than normal.
Laying back on the couch Erwin draped his arm across his eyes again. He's making me food.
"Stop thinking about Levi." Hanji scooped Erwin's legs up and laid them across their lap as they sat down. Having another person present – even though it wasn't someone as obvious about their place in the biological hierarchy as Mike – still soothed Erwin.
He made me tea. Two cups. When Erwin spoke his voice sounded normal enough that those who didn't know him wouldn't be able to tell he felt ill. "If he bonds through food, what does that mean?"
"He starved himself for years to feed Isabel and Farland. I'm sure that's why he's so small. One way or another a type like him will accept new bond-mates. Apparently he's got a soft spot for people who are sick?"
"If that were true he's have more than a mediocre understanding of field medicine. He actively avoids the wounded, and I doubt it's because of how 'disgusting' gut wounds are."
"Ah," Hanji said while running a hand up the tall man's shin, "You're using Levi as a distraction. He's not remotely interesting to you right now, but you've latched onto his social quandaries as a way to not think about the fact that – Well, it's quite understandable why you wouldn't let me inform Commander Shadid."
"I'll tell Commander Shadis when I'm good and ready." Erwin's stubborn voice broached no disagreement. Hanji put their hands up in silent defeat.
"Get some rest. Process your emotions. Hey, you color is returning." Hanji smiled sweetly, picked Erwin's legs up to move out from under them and placed them back down. "I'll go grab you a blanket. You're cold from the shock. And don't worry, Nanaba's back outside the door stopping anyone from bothering you. Mike's going to bring you lunch."
Not that Mike said that, nor had Nanaba been told to play sentry, but the veterans had been together so long they automatically fell into a routine of taking care of each other when they got sick. It greatly expedited the healing process. Maybe Commander Shadis wouldn't go down in history as the best recon mission commander, but the Survey Corpse members who served under him would certainly remember his compassion in allowing them to take sick leave, post watch and cover each other's duties. Sick downtime had been cut to a quarter of the time it had taken to get well under former Commanders who didn't care if you were sick, because you still had stables to much and if you complained you got patrol duty to boot.
Hanji was gone for maybe a minute before coming back. Erwin was on his side, arm still over his eyes and a lot more color in his face. The wrong kind of color. Hanji laid the blanket out over the drowning man and let him sink. There was only so much his comrades could do to close ranks around him at this moment. They couldn't protect him from what he was feeling inside.
The first tear hit the leather of the couch just as the door closed behind Hanji. Nanaba caught a glance through the crack of a strong man coming undone and it broke her heart.