TO LOOK BACK AND DROWN IN THE MEMORIES

Romance, Hurt/Comfort

Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

Words: 3297

One night, Jack finds Ianto looking at some photographs from his time at Torchwood One - from when he was happy with Lisa Hallett.

Set in late series 1, somewhere after They Keep Killing Suzie

The Hub was immersed in the dim lighting of night mode. The base, most of the time filled with noise and action, was quiet now except for the background-buzzing of a few machines and computers working, constantly checking for Rift activity. From one second to the next, all the lights could switch on and all the alarms could go off in case of an emergency.

Jack really hoped that wouldn't happen tonight. He entered the place with a sigh, looking around with a resigned face, as he always did when he realised that this was his home, his only home. And he was alone.

He'd been to the pub with Owen, Tosh and Gwen. They all had deserved the break after another busy day at Torchwood, and Jack pleaded to whatever higher powers there might be that, just for once, he wouldn't have to take back the free day that he'd promised the team.

He also wished that Ianto had been out with them tonight. Although the welsh man had won his friends' trust back, he barely joined them in their night outs. Jack had wanted to ask him to come with the team tonight but, as usual, the man had disappeared before the Captain had gotten a chance to do so.

Jack wished he could do more for Ianto... he felt a deep connection with the man, something just beginning to grow and thrive. It wasn't just about them shagging every now and then. Jack felt that Ianto could, that he should be more to him than the pretty coffee boy with benefits.

The Captain snorted as he realised that his thoughts were circling, once again, around Ianto Jones. He wondered what it was about the man that he couldn't get him out of his head. He tried to shrug his thoughts off and went up to his office. He hung the greycoat on a hook and stretched himself before opening up the floor hatch that lead to his own little domain. He was just about to climb down the ladder when his eyes caught a glance of the CCTV screens that were displayed on his desktop. The camera installed in the boardroom showed that the room wasn't empty: there, slumped on a chair, was Ianto Jones.

Jack's eyes widened in surprise, and he wondered what the young man was still doing here. A nearly hopeful grin lightened up his face as he thought of quite a number of ways the two of them could spend the night together. Or even that day off.

Jack got up and walked towards the boardroom, his resignation replaced with excitement, some kind of happiness even that almost seemed inappropriate. He tried to compose himself, and slowed down in his movements. He put his hands in his pockets and strolled around the corner, looking decidedly casual.

"Ianto? What are you still doin' here?"

The welsh man startled as he heard Jack's voice, and spun around. "Jack! Oh, um- I- I just- How... how late is it?"

Jack frowned. He hadn't expected Ianto to be so upset. Absently, he checked his watch. "Just past midnight." As he looked again at the other man, he noticed some photographs in his hands, and curiously raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, oh, um. I shouldn't be here, should I? Sorry. Gonna leave now. Sorry." Ianto seemed to be in complete distress, fumbling around with the pictures in his hands, standing up, sinking down on his chair again, fiddling with his tie, reaching for the half-empty coffee mug on the table.

"Calm down, it's alright. And stop apologizing." The Captain stepped forwards and gently put a hand on his arm. "Are you okay?"

Ianto closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he smiled at Jack but it was forced. "'Course I am. I'm always okay, Sir. Gotta go now."

The Captain shook his head and, gently but firmly, pushed the welsh man back down as he tried to get up. "No, wait a minute. Please, Ianto - tell me what's wrong!"

Ianto hesitated. Jack could see the conflict in the young man's eyes, the fear, the pain, the insecurity - then he sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's... it's nothing. Well, I mean... I mean... just - memories", Ianto murmured. His voice was weak, and he sounded exhausted. His eyes met Jack's, and then he blinked and glanced away again before he added, merely whispering: "It's - Lisa." He tightened the grip around the pictures in his hands; then, with shaking hands, he held them out to Jack. The Captain took them in surprise. He reached out to caress the other man's cheek, then turned his eyes to the photographs. There were only a few, tidbits from an earlier life caught on camera.

One had been taken at a beach, and although it was undoubtedly Ianto in the picture, the young man kneeling in the sand, wearing nothing but yellow shorts, and sticking out his tongue to the camera, seemed a completely different person compared to the Ianto Jones that Jack knew. Next to him was a young woman in a bikini, a big grin on her face. The Captain recognized her as Lisa Hallett. They both looked so happy.

The next photo, the couple on a nightout, all done up and pretty. Ianto was hugging Lisa from behind, and the woman looked at him with a sparkle in her eyes.

Then the two of them in front of the London Eye, an awkward selfie, taken by Ianto, that cut half of their faces off.

Ianto and Lisa on a park bench, kissing. Ianto's eyes were closed, and his hands were running through Lisa's hair.

The last picture had been taken in a bar. It was the most random snapshot, out of focus, someone raising a pint to the photographer in the foreground. But in the background, Ianto and Lisa were dancing. Her hands were on his shoulders, his were placed on her hips. They were looking at each other, smiling, and it seemed like they had forgotten the world around them. This photo was the most battered, with small creases all over it and a bit of the right corner torn off. Jack stared at it for a long time.

"This one...", Ianto murmured, and Jack raised his eyes for a moment to find Ianto looking at the picture as well. "We... we'd had a fight that day. Some silly stuff, don't even remember what it was about. But then, there was some shit going on at work. Occasionally, it wasn't just all office work at Torchwood One. That day, one person of Lisa's department almost died. I- I remember how relieved I was that Lisa was okay, and how silly and small and dumb our fight had seemed all of a sudden. So we settled it, and... this place, there was this bar near Canary Wharf, all the Torchwood guys used to go there - it's gone now, just like Torchwood One - just like all my- and we went there that evening, Lisa and I and a few friends, and - you know, we'd thought about it for a long time... about moving in together, arguing where to move and who would bring what piece of furniture, or if we should just buy new stuff and all... and... and then, that night, we decided on it. Just like that." Ianto stopped, and once again, Jack looked at him. The young man's cheeks were red, and his eyes, staring into the distance, were filled with tears. "But, of course, that was just two weeks before the Cybermen and the Daleks and the end of everything."

He blinked and let out a sob, then covered his face with one hand and turned away from Jack.

The Captain slowly put the pictures down on the table. It was terrible to see Ianto in such pain... and he only just began to understand. Of course, he had known what Lisa had meant to Ianto; of course he had known that in life, she hadn't been the half-converted cyberman that he'd had to kill in the end. But now, seeing the pictures, hearing Ianto's story - now he felt it, too. And the way she was laughing in the photos, the way she was looking at her boyfriend...

Jack knew what Ianto had lost; he knew it well, for he had experienced the same far too many times, and his heart clenched in his chest.

Without further thought, he leaned down to the young man and kissed him tenderly, then wrapped his arms around him and held him tight.

Ianto seemed thankful for Jack's caring. He clung onto him and, quietly shaking, cried in his arms.

After a while, his breathing calmed, and the weeping stopped. He loosened his grip around the Captain, and Jack hesitantly let go of him. Slowly, Ianto got up. His face was swollen from crying but now there was some relief and gratitude in his eyes.

"Thank you", he mumbled in a rough voice. "The thing is... and I know that it has been a while now since- oh, but- but I don't blame you for anything, not anymore - just in case you were thinking..."

"It's okay. I know", Jack shook off Ianto's comment. His thoughts flashed back to the fateful night in which he'd killed the last bit left of Lisa Hallett. He remembered it well enough.

Ianto nodded and swallowed. "It's just that... sometimes I... I miss her. I mean, I always miss her, huh. But sometimes it's worse than usual."

"Ianto, you don't have to explain anything. Or justify yourself. I understand you, believe me, I do."

The young man looked at Jack with a frown. "Yes. Yes, you do, don't you?" He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.

And then, Ianto Jones did something remarkable - he stepped forward and pulled Jack into a long and tight embrace, taking the man by surprise.

"What's that for?", Jack laughed.

"Thank you. And you need a hug, too, Jack, once in a while."

The Captain smiled and leaned into the embrace, gently patting Ianto's back. "Yes, I do."

"Well", Ianto eventually took a step back and cracked a smile. "I guess I should leave now, shouldn't I?"

Jack shrugged. "Should you?"

To that, the welsh man didn't answer immediately but bit his lip, as if he was thinking whether to say anything or to just ago. He decided on the former. "You wanted to know what I'm still doing here, right? Hmm. I did forget about the time... got lost in the... memories. But it's more than that. I didn't want to go home right away. It's... it's empty there, and lonely, and full of bad thoughts and regrets." Ianto paused and cleared his throat. "Thought I'd get enough of that tomorrow anyway, on that cheery 'day off'. Gonna be proud of myself if I manage to stay sober, to be honest."

Jack was taken aback. Ianto's words were so bitter, so full of usually well-hidden pain. He reached out to take the young man's hands. "Ianto, I had no idea... do you always feel like that?"

"Depends. Mostly on how tired I am at the end of the day, and sometimes things are better when we manage to save a few people without any casualties. Makes it all more... bearable, I guess." Ianto laughed joylessly.

The Captain didn't know what to answer to that. He knew the feeling Ianto was talking about. And he so wished to be able to help the young man.

"Sorry, that's some bleak mood tonight, isn't it? Can't help it, it seems. But really, thank you, Jack. For being there. For listening. It's good to have that sometimes. Anyway, I'll be off now. I'm quite exhausted. Long day, it's been. Maybe, I'll just pass out when I get home and sleep through till Monday. But call me in, anytime, if anything's up." Ianto ran his hands through his hair, the lie of an half-smile on his face; he took the photographs from the table and put them in the pocket of his suit jacket. Then, after a moment of hesitation, he leaned forward and gave Jack a little peck on the cheek. "Good night, Sir", he whispered, and turned to go.

"Wait." Jack grabbed the young man's wrist and held him back. He shrugged his shoulders and mumbled: "You know... maybe you should stay. You can sleep in my bed if you want."

Ianto laughed - almost an honest laugh this time - and shook his head. "Um... I don't think I'm up to it tonight. Sorry."
Jack's eyes widened. "Oh- no, Ianto, I didn't mean to- I didn't mean that. But I thought, maybe you shouldn't go home tonight. You can sleep at my place. Just sleep."

Ianto frowned. "You serious?"

"Yes. I think it might do you some good."

The young man glanced away and took a deep breath. "To be honest - I still don't want to go back to my flat", he mumbled. "So maybe, you're right."

Jack smiled at him affectionately, then let go of his wrist and offered him his hand to take instead. "Trust me on this. Come on."

Ianto took his hand, and the Captain lead his friend back to his office and down the stairs to his domain. Ianto sat down on the bed and leaned against the wall. His eyes fell shut, and in the dim light of the narrow room, Jack saw how exhausted the man actually was. He cleared his throat and put his hands in his pockets. "Well... you know where the bathroom and everything is. You gonna be alright?"

"Hmm, yeah", Ianto murmured and clumsily started undressing himself. Eventually, he crawled under the blanket and sleepily squinted at Jack. "What about you?" He moved closer towards the wall, making room on the small bed. "You comin' in?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. The truth was that he would've loved to. Holding Ianto in his arms, the warmth of another body, of Ianto's body, with him... he rather liked that thought. And yet, he wasn't sure if it was the right move. The two of them, what they had - there was the shagging, yes, and a friendship that was somehow different from his relationship with the rest of the team. But this - after Ianto had opened up to him tonight, it seemed so intimate... maybe too intimate, too fast. Jack was afraid. "Not tired. Don't sleep much", he replied and grinned. Ianto studied him carefully for a few moments; then he nodded and closed his eyes, a faint sigh escaping his mouth. "Goodnight, Jack."

"Sleep well, Ianto."

The Captain watched the welsh man for a while, watched how his breath got slower and more steady, and saw his tensed features relax. With a small, content nod he turned and, as quietly as possible, climbed the stairs to his office.

It was true; Jack didn't sleep much, or at least he didn't need all that much sleep, and it really didn't bother him to stay awake for tonight if that meant that Ianto would get some.

He went back to the boardroom. The half-empty cup of cold coffee was still standing on the table, and Jack took it to the Hub's small kitchen and rinsed it. He wandered around the Hub, then tried to do some paperwork - but eventually, he was drawn back to his bedroom. There, Ianto was lying on his belly, quietly snoring, sound asleep. Jack smiled. After a moment of thought, he pulled up a chair from the corner of the room and sat down next to the bed. He wasn't sure if it was right but he liked the idea of watching Ianto sleep. And I can make sure to be here for him if he needs me, in case he wakes up.

...

Ianto rolled around in the sheets and yawned, gradually waking up. With a small groan, he blinked and opened his eyes. As he became aware of his surroundings, he startled in confusion - why wasn't he at home? Slowly, the memories of the previous night came back to him, and the young man leaned against the headboard of the bed with a smile. He felt rested. He hadn't slept through a whole night in days - Jack had been right about this change doing him some good.

Speaking of Jack - there he was, slumped on a chair next to the bed, his head bowed forward: asleep. Ianto grinned, and, as quietly as possible, stood up and got dressed. Then he pondered whether he should just leave. He cast away the thought, it felt wrong and unthankful. Instead, the man decided to do what he did best: make some coffee.

He was just filling in the coffee machine as he heard steps behind him, and turned around to see Jack strolling towards him, hands in his pockets, a sleepy smile on his face. "Morning", he greeted Ianto.

The welsh man nodded towards the clock hanging on the wall nearby. "Rather 'noon'", he replied with a grin.

Jack chuckled. "So... how are you feeling?"

Ianto exhaled deeply. "Better. A lot better. Slept well through the night." He turned his attention to the coffee machine once again, switched it on and fondly ran his fingers over it. "I'm - fine, actually. Really am, this time."

"Glad to hear it." Jack stepped at Ianto's side and leaned against the counter.

"What about you, though?" Ianto looked at the Captain apologetically. "That chair didn't look too comfortable."

Jack laughed and shook his head. "Ianto Jones, always thinking of everyone else first."

"Well, it was your bed I slept in."

"And look at you today. I'm glad that you did."

Ianto lowered his eyes and nodded. "So am I." He took a deep breath and smiled at the Captain. "Just makin' coffee, you want some?"

"Are you kidding? I'll always want your coffee."

As the young man took out two mugs and started to pour the hot, black, sweet-smelling beverage, Jack asked: "So, what you gonna do then? I mean, for today? Goin' home?"

Ianto shrugged his shoulders and sighed. "I don't know. Should I?"

"You tell me."

"I mean... I could stick around... for a bit. Only if you'd like me to, of course... or, um, do you have any plans?"

"Someone's gotta stay close, mind the Rift, ya know... so, I guess that means no."

The two men glanced at each other. Jack wore a playful smirk, and Ianto bit his lip with a grin.

"Could get boring all on your own, don't you think?", Ianto asked.

"Ohhh yeah, afraid so..."

"But if I stay - surely, we'd find some way to make it interesting, wouldn't we?"

"We surely would, Mr. Jones."

"Could play a few games."

"Some special games."

"Involving my stopwatch, perhaps?"

"Perhaps."

"Huh. Then I guess it's my duty to stay, Sir."

"All up to you."

The moment of tense silence that followed their banter was broken by Ianto leaping forward and, throwing his arms around Jack, kissing the man hard. Jack responded by spinning them around and pinning Ianto against the wall, opening his mouth to let Ianto's demanding tongue in.

Standing on the counter, all forgotten, their coffee was getting cold.

...

Hours later, in the late afternoon, Ianto and Jack lay in each other's arms on the Hub's small sofa, panting, exhausted, and satisfied. Ianto's head was lying on the Captain's chest, and he listened to the man's heartbeat while Jack affectionately caressed Ianto's hair.

"Jack?", Ianto mumbled and raised his eyes to his lover.

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you made me stay last night."

Jack wrapped his arms tighter around the young man and bowed his head to press a kiss on his forehead. "Yeah", he whispered. "Me too."