Primus's Place

Primus is seen sitting in his trademark director's chair as his assistant, Ken, wipes the dust off of various items in the background.

HOLY CRAP, I'M ACTUALLY ALIVE! And I bet you all thought I was dead or something silly like that, pfft.(The Naruto characters wish) Anyway, due to popular request (two damn people grumble), we have Haku with us today!!

"…Hello. It is a pleasure to mee-"

Yeah, yeah, it's a pleasure, blah blah fuckin' blah, all that jazz, whatever. Onto the questions. Question #1: Are you a lady? 'Cause if you are…he he he…

"No, I am not a female, and secondly, eew."

Have you looked in a mirror recently? You have a serious case of Dude Looks Like A Lady Syndrome.

"…I'm sorry, what?"

Question #2: Have you ever seen Zabuza naked?

"Yes."

…

"…"

…Ok. Yeah. I really don't want to know.

"Well, he was injured, and he needed someone to bathe him, and-"

OK I GET IT, JEEZ. You really can't take a hint, can you? Anyway, question #3: Are you sure that you aren't a female? I mean, you sound very feminine, and you look AMAZING.

"Yes. Yes I am very sure I am male, judging by the fact that I have a penis."

Fine, fine, now that we have that very important issue out of the way, let me show you your …alternates…

A clap of thunder reverberates throughout the room, while Primus chuckles evilly under his breath like the evil bastard that he is. The door slides open, revealing four figures standing at attention.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"…Are you alright?"

Sorry, the medication must be wearing off.

"Medication?"

Alternate #1: Buff and MANLY Haku!

Alt- "…"

"Hello."

Alt- "MY NAME IS HUGE"

"W-What?"

Alt-"I PUNCH THINGS GOOD"

"Um…ok…"

Alt- "YOU HAVE STICK ARMS. I WILL TRAIN YOU GOOD"

Say, do you know Chuck Norris?

Alt- "KNOW HIM? HE WAS MY UNCLES BEST FRIENDS COUSINS SISTERS BROTHERS PARENTS ROOMMATE TWICE REMOVED FOR BREAKING SHIT"

…That makes you absolutely nothing. Mehehehspaceballsmeheheheheh

Alt- "WHAT PUNY MAN SAY?? I WILL BREAK PUNY MAN"

Oh fuck.

"Might I suggest another alternate?"

YES, PLEASE. Ok, alternate #2: Dress-Like-A-Guy Haku!

Alt- "Hello."

Oh for fuck's sake. Another fucking orange jumpsuit?! Really?!

Alt- "What?"

YOU ARE A FUCKING NINJA/ASSASSIN. YOU SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A SUIT THAT MAKES YOU EASILY VISIBLE AT NIGHT, LET ALONE THE FUCKING DAY!!

"For once, I agree with this strange, easily provoked little man. Your choice of attire seems…"

Stupid? Functionally retarded?

"…Unorthodox."

Alt- "But it looks cool!"

Primus flies into a sort of berserker rage, screaming curses and jumping on the alternate Haku as Ken rushes over to try and get the enraged Primus off. As the show goes to commercial, you can't help but think about the overall insanity of what just took place.

A random, unpopular author named Primus somehow obtained his own show and uses it to torture Naruto characters. The very same author just tackled an alternate Haku wearing a very familiar bright orange jumpsuit while his servant-author tried to subdue him.

What the fuck. Oh, and the show comes back on, revealing a disheveled Primus, a tired Ken, and a wide eyed Haku.

…Welcome back, folks…

"What just-"

NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Ken sighs and goes back to cleaning the place up after the struggle. You swear you can hear him mutter "Sometimes training under this nutcase doesn't seem worth it."

Anyway, alternate #3 (and my personal favorite): Girl Haku!

"…What."

Alt- "Hey, cutie."

Sup.

Alt- "Not you, you creep."

Wait, what?

Alt- "I'm talking to tall, dark and handsome, sitting in the seat across from you."

…Oh dear lord.

"…"

Alt- "How about we skip the show and-"

"Primus, PLEASE switch the alternate. NOW."

I agree. This keeps happening with female alternates. Dammit, I wonder why?

Ken- "Maybe it's your repressed-"

Shut up or I rewrite you out of existence.

Ken- "Ok."

Damn fucking disrespectful authors-in-training…anyway, the final alternate…PLAYER HAKU!

"Please switch them back."

Like I said before, one request per interview, bitch.

"…"

Alt- "Hey, pretty lady. How about you park it over here?"

Huh, it's like the roles kind of reversed, except you aren't the promiscuous one.

"Help."

Alt- "Oh come on, babe, you can't say you want some of THIS."

You do know that "she" is a he, right?

Alt- "What?! No! That's impossible! Just look at her!"

Him. Also, I thought that too, but he told me that he was indeed male.

Alt- "Gahrjnfitcmeuitfmewrfuwemrfcetfkjwnehmrjdjaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

The alternate runs out of the room, screaming and foaming at the mouth, almost as if he saw an eldritch being.

Well, now that we have either embarrassed, attacked, tortured or deranged everyone in the room, I guess that's it for the show, you guys. Just remember, read and review.

"Wait, what happens to me?"

Oh yeah. Well, we usually send you back to where we snatched you out of time with no knowledge of the events that took place here.

"Oh thank god"

However…

"…H-However?"

In your case, you happen to be a very exploitable character. Homosexual slights and all that.

"…"

So yeah.

"I hate you."

You think you hate me now? Let me introduce you to Kakashi.

Ka- "What do you wa- WOAH HOT CHICK."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Anyway, I'M BACK, AND I NEED SUGGESTIONS, so R/R!

Next chapter, we make a Naruto character's life hell. Holy shit, amirite?