Izzie pulls a baking sheet out of the kitchen cabinet. She takes the batter out of the refrigerator and silently pats herself on the back for making an extra batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies the night before. Baking relieves her stress, which she has been feeling a lot of these days. Izzie has always prided herself on being a good friend to everyone, despite the fact that it hasn't always been returned. Meredith and Cristina always seem to leave her one step behind, and her friendship with George will never be the same, no matter how much they both would like it to be. Izzie knows that having Alex in her life should fill that void, but somehow, having a boyfriend, no matter how wonderful he is, does not take the place of having a best friend. Still, Meredith has always been a good friend to her. Helping to pick up the pieces when she fell apart after Denny died…not judging her when she slept with George while he was married to Callie, and of course, not kicking her out, even though Derek moved in. Izzie knows Meredith is a private person and would absolutely die at the thought of her mother's diaries being fodder for intern gossip. Even worse, she would die at the thought of her private thoughts being read by Lexie Gray. Izzie hates the idea of being the bearer of bad news. But she has to admit to herself, that her silence is not solely motivated by fear of hurting Meredith. There is a small part of Izzie that wants to know what is in Meredith's little book…to feel like a part of Meredith's inner circle. To feel like she is Meredith's close friend like Cristina was. The thought makes her feel ashamed. She tries to tell herself that she doesn't want to break her promise to Lexie, which is why she has not yet told Meredith, yet she knows this is not the truth, not the whole truth, anyway…no matter how badly she would like it to be.

Izzie knows that she should at least stop in and see how Meredith is. She hasn't spoken so much as a "hello," to her friend in days, and if Meredith hears that she went to Joe's with Cristina last night, she'll think that Izzie has chosen a side, which she hasn't. After I put my cookies in the oven, I'll go see how Meredith is doing…she promises herself.

(Break)

Meredith sits on her bed, propped up on pillows and grabs her thick little book. She flips through her diary and thinks about how long she has been keeping this little book. She opens to a random page to see which part of her life it takes her to.

I watched my mother try to slit her wrists today. I sat on the floor and waited for her to pass out before I could call 9-1-1. I was so scared that she would die before I could call for help. I still can't get all the blood off the floor and every time I walk past the dark red spots it all comes back to me. The worst part is that there was a part of me that wished she would have died so that Dad would have to come back for me. He'd have to find me if there was no one else. Does that make me a terrible person? What kind of person wishes that her mother died. I wish there was someone I could tell. I don't know…like a sister or someone. An older sister, of course. Not a younger one. I'd have to protect a younger one, but an older one could protect me. I can't protect anyone else. I can't even protect myself. But it doesn't matter anyway. No one's going to protect me. I'm all alone.

Meredith looks away from the book for a moment to regain her clarity. She never wants to relive that day. She never wants to be that scared little girl again, so she opens to another page.

Sadie and I hiked through the Alps today. It was just us, all alone in the mountains, but it was the least alone I have ever felt. I finally feel like I have a sister, or a family, or someone to talk to. Someone who gets me. Someone who gets that I don't really see a place for me in this world. I know I've never been wanted. Never been loved. But out here, in the mountains, I was almost happy. Well…I did think how nice it would be to just jump from the top and fall through space and never come back and…I don't know. What is happy anyway? Sadie says no one is ever truly happy until they're dead and that everyone's goal in life is to die. We were on top of a mountain with a bottle of tequila and I told her that I was excited for death. I thought it would just be so easy…that I couldn't wait to not have to struggle to wake up each morning. Ever since then, we've called each other Death and Die. I guess it's kind of morbid, but then again, so am I. The medical school applications are due soon. Sadie says she isn't going to apply, that med school is for sell-outs, but I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I can't stay out here in the mountains forever…or can I?

Meredith laughs at the memory of that day in the mountains, but her laughter is tainted by the fact that she notices how much her diary focused on her desire to end her life. She never feels that way anymore. Not since she and Derek made a commitment to each other. Still, there is a small dark cloud that still hangs over her. The part of her that still is angry about her horrendous childhood and the part of her that still never feels like she is good enough. She turns to another random page.

Tomorrow I'm leaving. I can't believe I'm really going to medical school. I thought my mother would be thrilled, but she thinks I'm going to fail. That is, during her lucid moments. She has Alzheimer's Disease and I can't tell anyone. I didn't even tell Sadie. Sadie is going to join the Peace Corps rather than go to medical school. I wish I could do the same. It sounds so exotic and exciting, but that's always been Sadie. Last night, she decided we should make a fire and roast marshmallows and of course, drink tequila. In the middle of the night, she decided to light her stick on fire and brand her arm with it. She wanted me to do the same thing, and told me it would be a memory we'd always have, but I don't know…I just haven't had the same desire to do those crazy things anymore. I told her no, and she pouted for a while…but I convinced her not to ruin our last few nights. Anyway…I know I'll never find another friend like her, but we'll stay in touch, and she said after her 2 years at the Peace Corps are done, she'll sell out and try medical school with me. I hope I don't fail out by then.

Meredith sighs at the memory and thinks how happy she is that they are both here now. She turns to another page.

Why do I hate Lexie Gray so much? I am not a mean person, yet she brings out the worst in me. She follows me around looking at me with those pathetic little eyes…She needs me to like her. She wants something from me. The more terribly I treat her, the harder she tries. I should just stop and give her what she wants, but I can't. She is just so needy and pathetic and she reminds me of the little sister I never wanted. I'm trying to figure out my own life. I don't know what to do with Derek, I'm in therapy with Dr. Wyatt, and I just can't be responsible for anyone else right now. Especially the girl who stole the happy childhood that should have been mine. Sometimes I see her staring at me from down the hallway, and I feel her hoping I will say hello to her. It reminds me of how I used to walk in the door from school and hope my mother would ask how my day was. She never did, yet each time I felt that same disappointment. I know it makes me a terrible person, but I take pleasure in not saying hello to Lexie during those times. There's a part of me that smiles inside at her crushed look and is glad she knows just a little bit of how I felt my whole childhood, while she was having family dinners and birthday parties.

Meredith closes the book and feels guilty for her private thoughts. She is feeling more charitable towards Lexie these days. Part of it was Derek's urging, but part of it, she had to admit, was that the idea of family was growing on her. Of course, that was probably Derek's urging too.

Izzie knocks on Meredith's door.

"Come in," Meredith says.

"Hi Mer. I came to see how you're doing. I know you and Cristina haven't spoken in 3 days, and…well…I baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, because I know they're your favorite and…" Izzie begins. She places the tray of cookies on the bed.

"Why? What has she said?" Meredith says, slamming her book shut. She does not take a cookie.

Izzie ignores the question and says, "Is that your diary?"

Meredith looks confused. "How did you know that I keep a diary?" she asks, defensively.

Izzie looks away. "Ummm…Sadie mentioned it to me during rounds. You know…we were talking about something and she said something like, 'I bet Meredith wrote about that in her diary!' and then I was like 'what diary?' and she was was like…"

"Sadie doesn't know about my diary," Meredith says, eyeing Izzie, suspiciously.

"Oh. Maybe it wasn't Sadie. Maybe it was Derek. Yeah. That's it! Derek and I were talking and…" Izzie pauses for a moment and Meredith cuts in.

"Derek doesn't know about this diary either. No one does. Not even Cristina," Meredith says, staring at Izzie.

"No one? No one knows about it?" Izzie asks.

Meredith shakes her head and stares at Izzie pointedly. "No one, except, apparently, you," she repeats.

Izzie is silent. She doesn't know what to say, so she comes out with "You didn't even try my cookies…"

"You bake when you're hiding something. What's going on?" Meredith says, already knowing that she probably isn't going to like the answer.

Izzie looks away.

"Iz…please. Remember when you and George stopped talking? Remember what it felt like to lose your best friend?" Meredith asks.

Izzie nods. "Yeah…I remember. To be honest, Mer…it still hurts," she admits.

"Well…I tried to be a good friend to you. I hope I was…" Meredith says.

Izzie isn't sure why, but she feels a lump in her throat like she might cry. "You were…" she chokes out.

Meredith smiles. "When I was in therapy, Dr. Wyatt kept telling me that I needed to tell people what I wanted from them. She said that the words 'I'm fine' should be banished from my vocabulary. So…I'm trying. Iz…I know something's up. You've been avoiding me, and then the diary questions and well…what is it? I need you to tell me," Meredith says.

Izzie takes a deep breath. "Okay, but please have a cookie. You're going to need one. Or five…or maybe a lot of tequila or something, but a cookie is a good start." Izzie says.

"Fair enough," Meredith says, biting into a soft cookie and smiling. "These are good," she says.

"Thanks." Izzie replies.

Meredith waits silently as Izzie gathers her thoughts.

"Mer…there isn't an easy way to tell you this. Basically, your friend Sadie sold you out and a lot of your personal secrets are now in the hands of a lot of people," Izzie explains.

"You know…I'm getting tired of all of you trashing Sadie. I know she's not the hardest worker, and she's quirky and different, but she's about the most loyal friend that…" Meredith stops when Izzie cuts her off.

"No. She isn't. That girl doesn't have an ounce of loyalty in her entire body. You think you know her, and maybe at one time, you did. But she's not your friend, Meredith. Just don't say anything. Let me tell you everything before I change my mind, and then, if you still think she's a loyal and trustworthy person, you go right ahead and defend her, but you need to hear this first," Izzie says, forcefully.

Meredith listens, nervously.

"Apparently, Sadie freaked out when Cristina yelled at her. After being her resident for three days, I can understand why Cristina yelled at her. She's infuriating! She's late for rounds, she's rude, she's disrespectful, and she makes me look like a fool in front of the other interns…and she…" Izzie stops, when Meredith interrupts her.

"Iz? You're straying from the topic…" she points out.

"Sorry. It's just that…well..okay. So, Cristina yelled at Sadie and Sadie had some sort of freak out episode. Cristina totally lost it and while she was in the middle of yelling at her, she dropped her scalpel. According to Lexie, it didn't land anywhere near Sadie, but Sadie convinced the interns to sign a complaint letter against Cristina stating that she consistently verbally abuses them and that her behavior with Sadie was out of line and that she threw a scalpel at Sadie," Izzie says, as quickly as she can. She pauses for air and hopes Meredith will interrupt her, so she can have a moment to plan this next section, but she has no such luck. Meredith says nothing, so Izzie is forced to continue.

"So, some of the interns signed the letter right away. The rest of them needed more incentive, so Sadie offered to photocopy your mother's diaries, which apparently she has been reading, and convinced them that the legendary Ellis Gray had all of her surgical secrets in these books. So they all signed except for Lexie…and then…"

Meredith interrupts Izzie. "So, you are saying that Sadie handed out my dysfunctional childhood to the entire class of interns?" she asks, in disbelief.

Izzie nods, sympathetically. She put her hand on Meredith's arm, but Meredith shakes it off. "So, Lexie didn't sign? Do you think that was out of her own morality or some misplaced sisterhood loyalty or something?" Meredith asks.

Izzie cringes. She knows she has to tell Meredith the rest, but wishes she didn't have to. "Well…there's more. DO you want to hear it or do you want me to just tell you another time. I mean, we don't have to do this now…"

"Yes. We do," Meredith says.

Izzie sighs. "Okay. Well, Sadie wanted Lexie to sign her stupid letter to the chief, so she promised her a copy of your personal diary which apparently she has also been reading since she moved in here. She told Lexie that you have all this information about your true feelings about your sister in there, and that she should read it," Meredith says.

"Please tell me that…" Meredith says weakly.

Izzie shakes her head. "Lexie signed, and Sadie gave her your diary. At least now we know what Sadie's been reading lately…it certainly hasn't been medical textbooks…" Izzie says, wryly, hoping Meredith will appreciate her attempt at a joke.

Meredith takes a deep breath. "I said terrible things about Lexie in that journal. Really terrible things. I never wanted her to see them…and if Sadie knew…why would she…I mean…who would ever…" Meredith's voice trails off as she realizes how badly her old friend has violated her trust.

Izzie once again places her hand on Meredith's arm. "I'm sorry," she says.

"It's okay. Thank you for telling me. You're a good friend, Iz. How did you find this out, anyway?" Meredith asks, allowing Izzie to leave her hand comfortingly on Meredith's arm.

"Lexie. She just blurted out the story to me in the supply closet, and told me I had to promise not to tell you…and then she…" Meredith pulls her arm away as soon as the words come out of Izzie's mouth.

"How long have you known about this?" Meredith asks.

"A few days…" Izzie says, looking away.

"So let me get this straight…Lexie told you that volumes of my dysfunctional childhood and my most private thoughts were floating around the hospital… The one place in my life where I have earned respect. And you sit on that information for a few days, while everyone is enjoying a good laugh at my expense? And you sit here acting all noble for being the one to tell me? Thanks, Izzie. Thanks a lot," Meredith says, sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," Izzie says, with tears in her eyes, because she knows Meredith is right.

"Just get out," Meredith says.

Izzie turns quietly to the door, and stops before she leaves. "You can keep the cookies," she says. "I made them for you."

(Break)

Cristina paces back and forth in the small on call room.

"How ya doing, Yang?" Owen asks as he enters.

"Why? Do you want to take another crack at me? Want to make another joke at my expense, or do you just want to kiss me again and then walk away, leaving me standing there, wondering what the hell that meant? What do you want from me, because I'm in no mood for games!" she explodes.

"The pain of losing your best friend…it doesn't get better," Owen says, sitting down.

"Thanks. So I guess this is going to be one of those conversations where you rub salt in my wounds and then leave?" Cristina asks, sarcastically.

"Give me a break…I'm trying here. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't get better. You don't wake up one day and stop missing them. It's not like a bad breakup. You can't just find a new one, or go out on couple of blind dates. It eats at you, everyday," Owen says.

Cristina stares at him blankly. "And by 'trying' I thought you were referring to trying to make me feel better. Apparently I was wrong," she says.

"Just give me a chance…I know I'm striking out here. Let me put it this way. Every day, after work, I go home to my apartment. I look at the phone, and I pick it up. I start to dial. 848-837 but I never dial that last number because I know that Scott won't pick up, and then I'll have to face the fact that he's really gone again. So every day, I dial a 6 digit phone number and pray that I never accidently punch in the number 5 at the end and have to hear that operator voice tell me that his number is disconnected," Owen says.

Cristina softens a little bit. "I'm sorry," she says, for lack of anything better to say.

"Thanks. But that wasn't my point. My point is that if you dialed Meredith's number, you'd hear her voice on the other end. You wouldn't hear an operator. She's not dead. So she didn't defend you to the chief. Big deal. She was probably caught off guard and didn't know what to say. You're so proud that you can't apologize for what you said to her, and she's so hurt that she can't apologize for not defending you. You're both just making your own lives and each other's lives harder. Please excuse me for being less sympathetic than you'd like me to be about your fight with Meredith. She's here every day and so are you, and the two of you are using supply closets to avoid each other. I'd give anything to hear one of Scott's stories about being a womanizing bastard again," Owen says, distantly.

"Why do you care so much? Why do you care whether I forgive Meredith or she forgives me or about any of it?" Cristina asks.

"Because I remember Scott running though the desert, and when the mine blew up I kept running until I realized he wasn't beside me anymore. I heard him call out to me. I looked back and I started running towards him…until…" Owen stops.

"Until what?" Cristina asks.

"Until I saw the Iraqi's coming. They had two American POWs with them and were taking more. I knew Scott wasn't going to make it. Even from far away, I could tell…there was no way I'd be able to save him…so I saved myself. I didn't want to be captured. We always said, if we got captured, we'd be captured together or not at all…" Owen says, looking up at the ceiling.

Cristina does not know what to say. She thinks about the day that Meredith almost drowned. The helpless feeling as she stood in the O.R. with Dr. Bailey and the chief and she begged them to save her…she cannot imagine if it had turned out differently…if Meredith had not survived.

"Scott died out there. And I watched from behind a rock, as he writhed in pain. Finally, his body stopped moving and his screams stopped, and I knew it was over. I was about to go get him, and bring his body back to base, when the goddamn enemy soldiers drove up in their trucks and ran him over, and laughed," Owen says as he slams his fist against his leg.

Cristina is so moved by his story that she cannot speak. When she finally finds her voice she says, "I have to go find Meredith," and runs out of the room.

(Break)

Derek sees Meredith in the hallway and says, "Hey stranger."

Meredith tries to smile, but it comes across forced. "Hi,"

"Want to talk about it?" he asks.

"Are you as loyal as you pretend to be? I mean, how do I know that you're not out to sabotage me too?" Meredith asks.

"Did I forget our anniversary or something? Just tell me…what did I do wrong?" Derek asks.

"Nothing…that's just it. You seem perfect. But everyone seems perfect until you find out they are out to destroy you…Like Cristina…she was my person. I could trust her with everything, until she used the things I confided in her against me. I mean, bringing up my mother? That was just wrong. Besides…I don't think she was happy for me that things worked out for us. You know? I think she wants me to fail at this relationship thing. I think she liked me better all dark and twisty. And then there's Izzie. Izzie, who is the most sensitive, caring, loyal friend you could imagine…until you find out that she knows you've been the laughing stock of the hospital and that your dysfunctional life is in the hands of many people that you wouldn't want it in the hands of and she never told you…And then there's Sadie. The friend I was so thrilled to reconnect with. She is the window to who I used to be and she's fun and adventurous and would lay down her life for me, until I find out she sold me out without a second thought and betrayed me in a million different ways. And Lexie…well…I thought we had reached an understanding and now…after the diary…she…well…"

Derek laughs and touches Meredith's cheek. "I have no idea what you are talking about. However, I know this much. You can't rebuild Rome in a day. Why don't you start small. Talk to Cristina. If you don't, I may convince the chief to lock the supply closets so the two of you have to stop hiding in them!" Derek says.

"You're laughing at my pain," Meredith says, smiling against her will.

"That's because you are creating your own pain. You could have a 10 minute conversation with Cristina and the rest of this won't seem that bad. You two will be drinking tequila and she'll be kicking me out of my bed again in no time," Derek says.

Meredith kisses him. "I love you. You better not turn out to be a serial killer or something," she says.

"I do wield a mean scalpel!" he says, kissing her back.

(Break)

"Come on…let's read it together," Sadie says.

"I don't know if this is a good idea…I mean…" Lexie says.

"We'll just read the parts where she talks about you," Sadie says.

"I don't think I can do this. It feels wrong," Lexie says.

"Here. I'll read it to you. Then it won't be like you did anything wrong. It will be me, who did it," Sadie says.

Lexie hands Sadie the diary and says, "Okay…but if I tell you to stop…"

Sadie nods. "I'll stop right away."

September 5th. Lexie Gray is an intern here now! Can my life get any worse? TO make matters even more disastrous, she seems to want to get to know me. How can I explain it to her any more clearly? She is a reminder of everything I never had. I'm never going to want to get to know her. Never! In fact, everything about her repulses me. Especially her skin. I look at her perfect, milky white skin on her face and I want to slash it with a scalpel so she'll be damaged. Damaged like me. I want to cause her pain so she'll lose that stupid Pollyanna grin on her face and be as screwed up as the rest of us. I even hate her hair. Sometimes, when we are sitting in conferences, I find myself fantasizing about holding her down and shaving her head. And despite the fact that I don't have a kind word to say to her, and certainly don't have a kind thought to think about her, she keeps coming back for more. She even brought me coffee today. What she didn't seem to realize was that as she handed it to me, I had to fight the urge to throw it on her so that she would suffer 2nd degree burns. How am I going to face her every day?

Lexie's cheeks burn and she inadvertently touches her face. The face that Meredith wishes were damaged. She wishes she could find the words to tell Sadie to stop, that she didn't want to hear anymore, but she can't. She can't seem to make her mouth move.

Sadie stops and looks at Lexie sympathetically. "I'm so sorry, Lexie. But you said you wanted to know. I mean, isn't it better to know the truth?" she asks, putting her hand on Lexie's shoulder.

Before Lexie can answer, Mark walks into the on call room.

"Am I interrupting something? God I hope so…that would be so hot," he says, winking at Lexie.

Lexie doesn't answer. She is still processing Meredith's first diary entry about her.

"Ooooh…Little Gray doesn't seem to want to play with me today. What's up? You two look like you're hitting the books pretty hard. Good thing, because your intern class is starting to get a reputation as a bunch of slackers," Mark says, flashing a winning smile at Sadie and Lexie.

Lexie doesn't answer, so Sadie responds for her. "We're really trying to study for this exam, Friday. Would you mind if we…" Sadie says.

Lexie suddenly is terrified of being left alone with Sadie and the diary again. "Actually, I'm kind of done studying for today. I need some air. I'll be back later," she says, grabbing the diary and running out of the hospital.

Mark follows her and finds her sitting on a bench outside, with tears streaming down her face.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

Lexie laughs through her tears. "I used to be a happy person…" she says.

"I used to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women. Sometimes life changes," he says, sitting down next to her.

"Well I'm not happy anymore," she says.

"Well I'm not getting much action these days. What do you say, we grab a drink at Joe's and see if we can put a smile back on both our faces," Mark says.

"You're disgusting," Lexie says, laughing in spite of herself.

Mark gets serious for a moment and puts his arm around Lexie. "Whatever it is that took your smile away…it will work out. Think of all the terrible things that we see on a daily basis. People survive them. They even recover. That's why we do what we do."

(Break)

Meredith walks into the on call room where she finds Cristina sitting on a bed, staring into space. Meredith sits next to her.

"My life is a mess," Meredith says.

"So is mine," Cristina says.

"How do we do this? You know…talk about this stuff?" Meredith asks.

"I don't know. Can we do it with a few drinks?" Cristina asks.

"Are you on call?" Cristina asks.

"No. Are you?" Meredith asks.

"No," Cristina replies.

"Can we go to Joe's and talk?" Meredith asks.

Cristina doesn't answer, she just leans her head on Meredith's shoulder and says, "I missed you."

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL WHO REVIEWED LAST CHAPTER!! FOR THIS CHAPTER, EVERYONE WHO REVIEWS WILL GET A RESPONSE FROM ME WITH A SNEAK PREVIEW AT ONE THING THAT WILL HAPPEN IN CHAPTER 5! THANKS SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING! I REALLY APPRECIATE THE FEEDBACK!