Dr. Wyatt and Lexie sit staring at each other for a moment before Lexie asks, "Should I go after her?"
Dr. Wyatt nods. "She may not talk to you, but your effort will mean a lot to her."
(Break)
Meredith sits on a bench in a quiet part of the hospital grounds. It is the area that she and Derek always come to when they need to get away from all the chaos of the hospital. She puts her head in her hands and closes her eyes. She needs to feel alone…like no one in the world exists but her.
In the middle of her moment of solitude, Meredith feels a hand on her shoulder.
"Mer, you okay?" Derek asks.
Meredith wants to tell him to go away…that she'll drive him to the brink of insanity as well and to leave while he still can, she wants to push him away and tell him to run as far from the wreck that is Meredith Grey as he possibly can. However, she doesn't have the strength, so instead, she buries her face in his chest and says, "Hold me…just hold me please…"
Derek holds her tightly and strokes her hair. After a few minutes, Meredith's breathing slows and she slowly lifts her head up.
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me…you know that?" she says, through a tear-stained face.
"Mer…what happened? Talk to me…" he says, placing a hand tenderly on Meredith's cheek.
Meredith looks at Derek and says, "I have to walk away, Derek. From you…from everyone…I am toxic. Toxic to everyone. I hurt everyone that I come in contact with. I'm dangerous. I drive people to suicide," she says.
"Suicide? Meredith…what are you talking about?" Derek asks.
As Meredith begins to tell him about the tapes from Dr. Wyatt's office, Lexie spots Meredith and Derek sitting together on a bench with Derek's arm around her, talking.
Mark comes up behind her. "I never pegged you for a peeping Tom. If they are going to get down and dirty right out in the open here, I say we give them a little competition," he says, putting his arms around her waist.
Lexie spins around angrily. "Why do you do that? Look at Derek! He's holding her tenderly and taking good care of her. Do you know what I've been through? You were there that day…but you never called…you never even checked up on me. It was like you took care of me that day because you had to that day, but then you just come up to me and say something stupid and sexual and you don't even look at my face or think about how I might be feeling. Do you just want a girl to sleep with you? Because if that's all you want, from what I hear, you and Callie had a good thing going," Lexie says, angrily feeling tears spring into her eyes.
"You're going to cry," Mark points out.
"I am not!" Lexie says, embarrassed as a tear falls down her cheek and her voice catches.
"You're crying now," Mark points out.
"Fine! I'm crying! What do you want from me, Mark? Just go! Just go and leave me alone. I came here for Meredith, but she's got McDreamy over there and all I have is McHorny telling me that I'm going to cry. Thanks for the heads up," Lexie yells.
"McSteamy…I'm McSteamy, not McHorny. You have a McName too, you know…" Mark points out.
"Yeah, right. People around here barely know my real name, let alone any nicknames that aren't derogatory," Lexie says, sulking.
"McNames. We don't call them nicknames anymore…" he says, smiling.
"So what is it?" Lexie says, giving in.
Mark looks away. "Wouldn't you love to know…" he says, teasingly.
"If you're just here to mess with my head, then leave. I want that!" she says, pointing to Meredith and Derek. " I want what Meredith has. I want the guy who is going to stroke my face and hold me until I feel safe again. That's what I want. I don't want this. I don't want the guy who just takes pleasure in watching me squirm. So leave me alone, Mark. Just go!" Lexie says.
Mark grabs her and pulls her towards him. "McSweetie," he whispers.
"What?" she says.
"McSweetie. It's your McName. You are McSweetie," he says.
"McSweetie?" Lexie says, smiling against her will.
"Yeah. But don't tell anyone," Mark says, looking embarrassed.
"Umm…don't worry…that's not the sort of thing you tell anyone. 'Hi everyone! I'm McSweetie!'" Lexie says, laughing.
"You're mocking…no mocking, Little Grey…" he says.
"How did you know I'd be here, anyway…" Lexie says.
"Well…Derek was late for surgery…" Mark says.
"Derek was late for surgery? That's explains nothing…what does that have to do with anything?" Lexie asks.
"Derek is my brother, Lexie. You know how Meredith is your sister by blood? Well Derek is my brother. Not by blood but by heart. I know him like the fragile capillaries in a broken jaw. I know him. The only thing that makes Derek late for a surgery is a Meredith crisis. When there is a Meredith crisis, they come here," Mark says. "And then, when it's all over, Derek's all depressed because Meredith is unhappy. I know him…" Mark says.
"There are a lot of Meredith crises, aren't there?" Lexie asks.
"Your sister is a walking disaster…" Mark says.
"You must resent her…I mean for bringing Derek down," she says.
Mark shakes his head. "No. Because she is also the only person who makes him that happy," he says, pointing to Derek who is trying to hold Meredith as she shakes her head and pushes him away.
"Why do you pretend to be a jerk?" Lexie asks.
"To throw you off your game, McSweetie," he says, kissing her. "How about I take the four of us to dinner tomorrow. You, me, and those two losers over there," Mark says pointing to Derek and Meredith.
"Thanks, Mark," Lexie says.
"No problem. Now help me rescue my brother before your sister destroys him again. Besides, if the chief sees how behind our O.R. is running, Derek's a dead man!" he says.
Lexie and Mark walk over to Derek and Meredith but they stop a few feet away as they hear Derek ask, "What are you saying? You're leaving me again?"
Meredith looks away. "I-I just need some time. I just can't worry about hurting you. I need…I don't know what I need."
Derek looks at her sadly and says, "I don't know what you need either, but I'm here whenever you figure it out…" he says, squeezing her hand one last time before he walks away.
"And here's where you and I split from each other and go take care of them…" Mark says.
Lexie smiles. "Yeah…maybe we'll have to take a rain check on that dinner," she says.
"Don't worry…I'll take care of that," he says.
He walks over to Derek and says, "Come on man. The O.R's running way behind."
Derek follows him and says, "She broke my heart again, Sloan."
"She needs another break?" Mark asks.
"Yeah…but it's not that. It just breaks my heart to see her in so much pain. Cristina's right…on a scale of 1-10 she lives her life at an 8. It's a tough way to live," Derek explains.
"Little Grey's got her under control. Don't worry. Get your head in the game, buddy," Mark says.
"Yeah. What are we doing? Skull reconstruction?" Derek says, sounding distracted.
"Yeah. Boy would I hate to have an aneurysm right about now…" Mark says.
(Break)
Lexie sits next to Meredith. "Sadie. Sadie, Sadie, Sadie…" she says.
Meredith looks at her with fresh tears sitting on her face. She doesn't say anything.
"I don't know what to say, but I'm upset that you're upset and I'm not allowed to do the whole sympathy thing…so I'm invoking the Dr. Wyatt code word right now, but once doesn't seem like enough, so I am just saying it over and over again even though that's probably weird, and I'm probably rambling and you probably think…I'll shut up now. Sadie. Sadie…" Lexie says.
Meredith sighs. "Lexie…I told you…just go. I'm dangerous. I'm toxic. I make people slit their wrists. You've had a good start to your life. Why screw it all up now by getting involved with me. Go back to your happy life. You were happy before you came here. Go be happy again," Meredith says.
Lexie shakes her head. "No. I told you. This is called family and unconditional love. I am your sister and even when you tell me to get lost I am not going to because you're crying and you need someone to tell you it's all going to be okay. And you need someone to tell you that it isn't your fault. And you need someone to tell you that you're not toxic and you're not dangerous, you just got dealt a bad hand. And you need someone to come back to Dr. Wyatt's with you when you're ready and listen to the rest of those tapes with you. And I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're not getting rid of me," Lexie says determined.
"You're so nice. I believe that you really believe all those things. But Lexie…my father left me. He didn't want me. My mother thought I was worthless and didn't love me enough not to try to slit her wrists. My best friend tried to kill herself because of me and held me at gun point because I drove her to the point of a breakdown by not treating her well when she came to find me. I'm the common thread in all the bad things that happened to me. It's me. I believe that you think it isn't…but you're naïve. Nice, but naïve…" Meredith says.
"June 6th. It's your birthday," Lexie says.
"Yes…what does that have to do with anything?" Meredith asks, confused.
"Our father used to cry every year on your birthday. He used to go downstairs into his office and cry. My mom used to tell my sister and I not to bother him but we always heard him through the walls. He would cry and talk about how grateful he was for my mother because Ellis Grey took everything good from him…especially his beautiful daughter," Lexie says, tearing up at the memory.
"Really?" Meredith says, with tears glistening in her eyes.
"Yes. When Molly and I were little we used to have fake birthday parties for you on June 6th. We had to be really quiet because we thought that mom and dad might stop us if they knew. When Molly got older she got tired of it, but one year, when I was about 12, I snuck down into Dad's office and brought him a cupcake and a candle and told him that we should celebrate together. After that year, every June 6th, Dad and I had a cupcake together for you…" Lexie says. "He loved you…he was just weak. He still is…It's just his flaw."
"Wow. I never…I mean…Thanks," Meredith says, for lack of anything else to say.
"And as far as Sadie goes…you're the resident…I'm just the intern, but we both took enough psych and neuro to know that mental illness is real and it's no one's fault. Sadie stopped taking her medication. She wasn't getting the help she needs. She needed help that none of us could give her…you didn't know," Lexie says.
"Lexie…I…" Meredith stammers.
"Let's go back to Dr. Wyatt's. Let's finish listening to the tapes. Let's do it…then we'll have all the information and we can go from there. You don't have to say anything. Just come…let's do this. It will be the first thing we've ever complete together," Lexie says.
Meredith laughs, ironically. "I guess you can look at it that way," she says. Then she gets serious. "Why, Lexie? Why do you care? Why didn't you just leave when I told you to?" Meredith says.
"For the same reason Derek doesn't leave when you tell him to. That's what people who love you do," Lexie says.
"I guess I'll just have to take your word for it…" Meredith says, shaking her head.
"Oh…and don't think this whole sister thing is one sided. You're going to be helping me out too…" Lexie says.
"What do you mean?" Meredith asks.
"After this whole session with Dr. Wyatt is over, I need advice on men. Well…one man, in particular. I am beyond confused about my feelings for Mark Sloan, and big sister advice is exactly what I need. I'm a relationship disaster," Lexie says.
"Mark Sloan and Meredith Grey…If that's who you choose to surround yourself with, you're really asking for trouble, Little Sister!" she says.
"Come on…let's go back to Dr. Wyatt's and finish up those tapes…" Lexie says, standing up and pulling Meredith to her feet.
"Thanks…" Meredith says.
(Break)
Cristina sits down and begins to pick at her lunch.
"That looks like dog food," Owen says, sitting down.
"Thanks. I already wasn't hungry and now I have an overwhelming desire to hurl my food at the table of interns sitting over there…" Cristina says.
"If I were you, I might refrain from joking about hurling things at interns. It's about as funny as Izzie joking about wielding wire cutters," Alex says, putting down his tray.
Izzie glares at him. "So not funny. Fiance…dead…you're second choice…remember?" she says.
"You didn't think so last night…" Alex says, kissing her.
"Can you two knock it off? I'm already revolted!" Cristina says.
"What's your problem? You're fully reinstated. The board issued an apology. What's with the mood?" Owen asks.
"She misses Meredith…" Izzie says, mockingly.
"Shut up," Cristina says.
"She does. And you know what…I do too. I feel like we all put our lives on the line for her and she hasn't really spoken to us much since. It's not like her…" Izzie says.
"I wrestled that freaking psycho for her…" Alex says.
"Maybe that's the problem," Owen says.
"What's the problem?" Izzie asks.
"That all of you keep making a joke out of what happened. McPsycho…dissecting dummies that look like Sadie. Making crazy jokes…Sadie was important to Meredith. In addition to being terrified by being held at gunpoint, Meredith is probably actually worried about her friend. You've never seen a friend fall apart," Owen says, pointedly to Izzie.
Alex laughs. "You've apparently never hung around Meredith for too long. We spent our intern year watching her fall apart!" he says.
"I don't mean fall apart as in 'oh no…I don't think my boyfriend loves me…' I mean falling apart as in unable to perform tasks such as thinking rationally. It's a difficult thing to watch," Owen says.
"You don't know what you're talking about. You don't even know Meredith," Izzie says, annoyed at Owen's presence.
"You guys have a good lunch, I'm going to go eat with the grown-ups," he says, motioning to a table with Callie and Bailey. "I'll call you later, McHardAss," he says, kissing Cristina quickly on the lips.
"I love my McName," she says, after he leaves.
"McStormy is a McJerk!" Izzie says.
"Or maybe he's right and we're all a bunch of McJerks," Cristina says.
(Break)
"I'm glad you both came back. And let me point out how glad I am to see the two of you here together…supporting each other," Dr. Wyatt points out.
Meredith and Lexie smile shyly.
"If you're ready, I'll start the tapes…" Dr. Wyatt says.
Meredith and Lexie nod, and Lexie reaches over and grabs Meredith's hand.
"Sadie," she whispers.
Dr. Wyatt pushes play.
"What were your plans that night?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I was supposed to study with Lexie. She was determined to help me pass the exams that were coming up. She was so good natured. She tried so hard to help me, but I just kept sabotaging myself. Anyway…I got there and Lexie wasn't there yet, so I started talking to Meredith and things got confusing…" she says.
"Confusing how?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"She looked so much like the pictures she showed me of her mother. And she sounded like her…in the cold way she talked about Lexie. It was like she had turned into Ellis…at the hospital, in the way she talked to Lexie. Even in the way she talked to me…she just seemed cold. Now, thinking back to it, her relationship with Lexie is probably complicated. And I'm sure my coming back and bringing up the memories of the past for her was difficult. Besides…I didn't exactly do the right things by her when I came there. But in my unmedicated, scrambled mind, she was Ellis. And then when she said she never wanted a sister, I got so angry! And she turned into my mother. She was my mother in my mind and I had to kill her for holding me back and not letting me save Amy. It made sense. I swear it did…" Sadie explains.
"And what about Lexie?" Dr. Wyatt asks. "What about her? What made you think she was Amy?"
"Everything about Amy was sweet, good and simple. That was Lexie. There was never a hidden agenda, and when you looked at her, she was just desperate for people to like her. It was sort of sad…and when I saw her walk into that room, just wanting Meredith to love her despite how Meredith treated her, it made me flashback to Amy and the Dr. Seuss book and even as my dad was screaming at her, she was trying to read it to him and the hurt in her eyes when he kept rejecting her…and…I don't know…Lexie just reminded me of her. Her innocence being tainted…I don't know…" Sadie says.
"And what do you remember after that?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I don't know. I was so confused. I remember a guy wrestling me to the ground. I remember Dr. Stevens. I remember talking to Amy…and remember bits and pieces and then the ambulance. That's all…" she says.
"How do you feel about all of it now, Sadie? It must be hard to face what you did…" Dr. Wyatt says.
"Dr. Wyatt…of all the stupid things I have done in my life, betraying Meredith Grey is the worst. First, the stunt I pulled with her diaries. I violated the only person since my sister who has ever cared about me. Then, the lies I told her, and finally scaring her and shooting her. Now, I officially have no one. I officially destroyed the last person in my life who might have cared about me…Well, maybe Lexie Grey might have cared a little too. But she didn't know me very long, and I'm pretty sure the lies I told and the whole threatening her sister with a gun is pretty much a friendship deal breaker. I'm ready to go to whatever hospital they send me to and stay there for as long as I can. The doctors and nurses have to at least pretend to care. The truth is, where else would I go…I need help. I want to build a life for myself, but I don't know how…" Sadie says.
"In order to build a life for yourself, you need to forgive yourself for the past. What would you need for that to occur?" Dr. Wyatt says.
"Well, more than anything I need to make amends to all the people I hurt. To Amy especially…but I'll never get to do that. To Meredith, to Lexie…I just need them to know I'm so sorry…so so sorry for what I did. But I don't think I'll ever get that chance," Sadie says regretfully.
"Why don't you rest for a bit and we can discuss a little bit about the program you are going to be transferred to later. You're on very high doses of medication and you did a lot of work today. Why don't you sleep for a bit and we'll talk again this afternoon," Dr. Wyatt says.
"Okay. Thank you, Dr. Wyatt. But…if you see Meredith…or Lexie..could you…I don't know…"
Dr. Wyatt shuts off the tape. "Sadie fell asleep. She couldn't keep her eyes open anymore because of all the sedatives," she explains.
Lexie looks at Meredith. "Wow. This is all so heavy…" she says.
"Yeah. I need like a day to process all of that. I'm going to go home and just take some time," Meredith says.
"I think that's a good idea. Thank you for coming," Dr. Wyatt says.
As the two of them start to leave, Dr. Wyatt grabs Lexie's arm and pulls her back into the room.
"I know it's hard, but hang in there with her. She looks tough, but she needs a family more than anything in the world…" Dr. Wyatt explains.
Lexie smiles. "And I'm tougher than I look. I've made it this far. I'm not backing down now. I'm going to be her family. I'm not going anywhere," Lexie says.
"Good. Thank you for coming," Dr. Wyatt says.
"Thank you…for everything," Lexie says.
"One more thing…" Dr. Wyatt says.
Lexie stops. "What?" she asks.
"I'm bound by ethical codes so I can't say too much…but there's a certain guy who may be having a hard time making it known how he feels about you…" Dr. Wyatt begins.
"Ummmm…" Lexie isn't sure what to say.
"He cares. He cares a lot. He cares hours and hours of therapy worth. Don't let him fool you for a moment," she says.
"Oh…" Lexie says, smiling awkwardly.
"Goodbye. And good luck with everything…" Dr. Wyatt says.
****
Next chapter to come soon! I got 11 reviews last time. Can we go for 12 this time???? If you read and you are thinking about reviewing…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do it!!
There are about 2 or 3 more chapters to this! Hope you are all still enjoying! You guys are the absolute best!
Keep reading and have a happy new year!
-Jess