Hey everybody! I moved into my dorm at the university this week so I've been busy and chapters are coming a little slower. So savor them as they come! This is my favorite chapter ever so read it and enjoy it! It's Hatori's POV so that makes me happy, as he has a very complex personality.
Disclaimer: You know the drill, don't own 'em and wish I did. Also, the basis and inspiration for this chapter in particular was "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down so I naturally added the lyrics in and I obviously have no ownership of that except their CD so, yeah.
Chapter 13- Love is Blind
After Shigure took his leave, Hatori was left deep in thought. He wandered into his room and eased himself into the rolling computer chair. The room was bright with the warm afternoon sun, but autumn was at its end and soon winter would come again in all its bitter emptiness. And this time, who knew if spring would ever come again? Slowly he lay his face in his hands, sighing deeply. There was so much to think about, so much to consider, and it was sure to tear him apart. There was Tohru and Mayu and the Curse and Akito and what Shigure was up to… It was all too much, and yet it all seemed to connect, like a spider's web. Each person, each idea, interwoven and linked together at some common end that was still concealed from sight.
However, this didn't help Hatori in the slightest. Right now, he just needed to sort things out. What came first? What could he do? His eye gave a painful throb, and his hands tensed in agony. Looking up to clear his vision, his eyes were drawn to the picture that stood on the bookcase. A band of sunshine glittered across the glass of the picture frame, hiding the photo from view. But Hatori didn't need to see the picture, for he thought of that woman every day. She was beautiful and wonderful, a smiling figure in a world of dark thoughts. She had been his spring in the coldest of winters, and she had filled his life with a bliss that was unattainable in this world or the next. Until the day he had let her go.
Now she was married to some lucky young man who would hopefully do more for her than he ever could. And though Hatori had been sad to see her go, he knew it was for the best. He didn't want to see her cry anymore. He didn't want to cry anymore. It had taken a long time to get over Kana, and perhaps he never would fully "get over" her. How could he get over the love of his life when she had given him so much hope? But at last, he had moved on. Shigure had reintroduced him to an old friend of theirs. Mayu. She had been waiting for Hatori for a long time, and once he could finally see her, he realized that perhaps he had been waiting for her too.
Mayu was quite the character. She was not like Kana in any way. She was bolder, louder, more up front, and unafraid to let her feelings be heard, but conceivably her best feature was the fact that she understood what he needed. If he needed to be left alone, she let him be. If he wanted someone to just talk to, have a normal conversation with, she was there. She seemed to know the days he wanted peace and the times where he needed a laugh. Mayu was just fun to be with. Maybe it helped that she was a friend of Kana, or maybe she was just good at that sort of thing. Though Hatori was still unsure what he really wanted in his life, he was sure that he wanted Mayu to be there somewhere.
In spite of this, he had not spoken with her but for once in these last few weeks. With all the chaos that had ensued before and after Tohru's dismissal, he hadn't really gotten the chance. He knew she was worried about him and that she wanted to be with him, and a part of him wanted to go to her, to hold her, to be with her. But at the same time, he knew in his heart that he just couldn't. It had nothing to do with the Curse, and yet it had everything to do with it. He knew that until the Curse was broken, he couldn't hold her or be with her ever. He also knew that if they were going to follow through with this insane scheme of Shigure's, he couldn't allow Mayu to get caught up in it. Either way, he would have to let her go. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right, but that was the way it would have to be.
He sighed again and reached for the phone, but he pulled back. No, this would have to be done in person. It wouldn't be easy, and it wouldn't make any sense for poor Mayu, but it had to be done. If he was lucky, maybe she would wait for him, but he knew that would probably be too much to ask. Hatori Sohma thought for a moment, choosing his words carefully, and then he reached for the phone yet again.
One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
"Hello Mayu. I know, it's been awhile. Are you doing anything tonight? I was wondering if you could meet me at the park…"
At half past five, Hatori found himself entering the gates of the city park. The birds were twittering softly from their trees, and the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. Kana was gone from his mind now. All he could think of was Mayu and how terrible this would be for her. For both of them.
In my head there's only you now
This one falls on me
He found her sitting on a bench nearby, waiting for him. She was beautiful. Her hair was down today instead of pulled back into a ponytail like she normally wore it. She was wearing a knee length skirt and soft brown boots. A silver bracelet glistened in the sunlight as she reached a hand up to push her hair back in place. When she saw him coming, she stood up to greet him.
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
"Mayu," he said softly.
"Hatori," she replied with a small smile.
He didn't know where to begin or to end for that matter. His heart was breaking, and he would hurt her as well if he went through with this madness. But he had no choice. "Mayu-chan, I can't let this go on any longer. I can't be with you anymore." The bewildered look in her eyes as she tried to comprehend what he had said made him feel like dirt. No, lower than dirt. He would have liked nothing better than to stab himself several times with the sharpest object in the vicinity, but he had to see this through. He knew he couldn't let her stay, it was for her own good. She opened her lips to ask why, but he cut her off. "Please, don't make this any harder than it already is," he said quietly, his voice trembling slightly. "I don't expect you to understand, and I would feel much better if you didn't. I just want you to be happy, Mayu. You have been wonderful to me, and I have treasured every moment, but now it is time we went our separate ways."
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead
And where I stand
Mayu was speechless. She just stared at Hatori for a long moment. Finally, she asked, "Are you afraid to love? Is that what this is about? Are you afraid that I'll hurt you?" She was practically glaring at him now; her eyes narrowed as though trying to read the fine print that was etched in the lines of his face.
"No, it's not that Mayu…"
"Well then is this because of Kana? Is it that you don't think I can ever be like her? Because it's your fault that she's not your wife Hatori, not mine."
"Mayu," he said dangerously. "I told you I don't expect you to understand, and I'm not going to try to explain it to you. But I will tell you this. I love you Mayu, very much, and I don't want to see you get hurt. So please, listen to me. We can't be together anymore. I'm sorry." Without another word or a backward glance, Hatori turned away from her and headed towards the entrance of the park.
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go
"Hatori!" she called out, her cheeks wet with tears. "I love you…"
He heard her, but he didn't look back. He just kept walking, holding back the scream of rage and sadness that was threatening to escape him. He only hoped that maybe when this whole thing was over, she would be there still. Waiting for him to return and willing to accept him once more.
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
The sun was gone now and the chilly night air clung to him as he walked quickly down the sidewalk. He felt utterly and completely miserable, but he told himself more than once, that it would all work out for the best. If she ever found out about the Zodiac, she would be afraid of him, if she ever knew of his powers to erase memories, she would know what he had done to Kana and would hate him. And if Akito found out that he, Hatori, was serious about Mayu, there was no telling what he would do to her. Yes, it was best that he not see Mayu anymore. So why didn't he believe it himself?
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm going through?
Darkness came swiftly that night, but the city lights more than made up for it. Neon signs blazed in the shop windows and streetlights dusted the sidewalks with a faint orange glow. As he was nearing the edge of the city, Hatori saw something that caught his eye. A young girl was running along the opposite side of the road. She was wearing a long brown overcoat and had her hair in braids, which were whipping wildly behind her as she ran. After a moment, Hatori turned away, but then he did a double take. It was Tohru Honda. How strange! He was about to call out to her, but then he remembered. None of the Sohmas were allowed to acknowledge her. So after a minute's hesitation, he continued on his way, keeping his head down.
In my head there's only you now
This one falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
He turned down a quiet tree lined road and began his trek up to the Sohma estate. With nothing else to keep his mind preoccupied, he fell to questioning himself yet again. Why? Why do I always do as I'm told? Even if it may hurt someone, if Akito gives the word I always obey. No matter what I do, I can't seem to go against Akito. And it isn't just me that suffers for it. Yuki, Kyo, Kana, Tohru, Mayu, they all seem to get hurt because of what I do on Akito's orders. I'm nothing but a dog on a leash. A monster in a cage.
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Soundlessly, Hatori slipped through the gates of the Sohma enclosure, and deftly he picked his way along the path to his own house. There was still a light burning in the window when he entered. It was quickly deduced that Hatsuharu was just getting ready to take Kisa home for the night. She seemed a little better for her talk with Shigure, and for that Hatori was very thankful. Much as he loved the little child, he didn't know what he could have done for her.
Hatori came to the door to bid them good night, and he accepted a hug from Kisa and a clap on the shoulder from Haru as they left. He was surprised to hear a quiet "Good night, Oji Hatori" from little Kisa before she set off hand in hand with Hatsuharu. He smiled idly as he watched them, wishing for a short time that he could be young again. This might have sounded silly to some, for after all Hatori was not yet thirty, but if he were younger perhaps he wouldn't have to deal with all the madness that he was facing now and would be seeing in the near future.
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
When the children were out of sight, he closed the door and went to the answering machine to check his messages. He had two new messages. One from Ayame and another from some unknown salesperson who was trying to get him to buy something he didn't care about. Just as he turned to walk away, however, the phone began to ring. The caller ID said it was Shigure. So with a dramatic sigh, Hatori picked up the phone. "What do you want?" he asked tiredly.
"Why Haa-san, you sound so very enthusiastic," Shigure replied sarcastically with a laugh.
"I'm going to hang up now if you don't get straight to the point Shigure," he said, mildly irritated that Shigure would even think of joking with him after the day he'd had.
"Now, now Hatori. Don't be so harsh. I have some interesting news for you. I've been notified by a most trustworthy source that our little Tohru-kun has been trying to decipher the meaning of the Curse and how to break it!"
This caught Hatori's attention. "She's been doing what? Why? She can't actually expect to be able to do it by herself?"
"But that's the thing Haa-san. She can't hope to understand it on her own because there is no book that can tell her how to break the Curse, at least not directly. She needs to hear it from a Sohma family member who knows, and I think she is aware of that."
"So what are you implying? We're all under strict orders to have no contact with her. Besides, other than you, most of the Sohmas are here at the estate. And who of us knows anything about breaking the Curse?"
"There is a little knowledge in each of us," Shigure answered mysteriously.
"But what you're really trying to tell me here is that either way, she's falling right into your plan perfectly," Hatori stated blandly, wondering now if this was ever a good idea in the first place.
"You should be excited Hatori," his friend told him, "after all, soon we'll be free!"
"Yes, freedom," he said slowly, "but at what cost?"
But all the pieces fall apart
And you will be the only one who knows
Who knows
Again he thought of Tohru and Mayu. They had been pushed away for their own good, but what was the point if they insisted on coming back again. He understood that they wanted to help him and the other Sohmas, but they didn't know what they were getting into, and by the time they did it might be too late.
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go
"You worry too much Haa-san," Shigure assured him. "I promise I won't let anyone come to harm. Not this time."
You love me but you don't know me…
I hope you enjoyed it and I look forward to many reviews! All forms of criticism welcome.