Meredith sits at her desk trying to focus on her charts, but she struggles to focus. Lexie approaches her with boundless energy and says, "Mer, can you help me for a moment. I was doing these charts for Izzie and I wasn't sure how I'm supposed to code these. Do you know where I can find these?" she asks.
Meredith shrugs. "Just leave them…I'll finish them," she replies.
Lexie stops and stares at her. "Are you okay? You just had lunch with Derek. You still don't seem happy…are you mad at me? Am I being annoying? Did I do something wrong? I mean, if I did…you can totally tell me…I never mean to…I'm just so happy with Mark that I…"
Meredith shakes her head. "Lexie…it isn't you. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Lexie says, sitting next to Meredith.
"Do you ever feel like you didn't get closure on the whole thing? Like after what happened something is still unresolved? Something that only…" Meredith stops to collect her thoughts.
"That what? Only Sadie can resolve for you?" Lexie asks.
"Yeah. I feel like I need to see her again. Like it isn't over until I do… But I don't know…I mean…" Meredith has trouble putting the words together.
"If you're asking if I feel that way, the answer is no. I don't feel unresolved. Sadie and I were friends, yes. But it was a friendship of convenience and quite honestly, it wasn't very long and while I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, I'm not attached to the idea of seeing her again," Lexie replies.
"I think I need to. But I can't," Meredith says.
"Why can't you?" she asks.
"I don't know. I'm scared to go alone, I guess?" Meredith says.
"I'm sure Derek would go with you…" Lexie says, cautiously.
Meredith shakes her head. "I can't let him do that. He's so protective over me. I don't know how I'll react. I can't put him through that," Meredith says.
"Well…Cristina would probably go if you asked her…" Lexie says, evasively.
"Ummm…did you seriously just say that?" Meredith asks.
Lexie laughs. "Okay…maybe not the best choice of a person. How about Izzie? She's so compassionate and supportive…I'm sure she would…"
"I'm sure she would too. I'm sure she would come with me and ask me how I was feeling every five minutes until I wanted to drown myself… again!" Meredith says.
"Okay…so…ummm…" Lexie knows what she wants to say, but doesn't quite know how to ask.
"So…ummm…the thing is…forget it," Meredith stammers.
"What?" Lexie asks.
"The thing is…Wow…you're going to make this hard for me…aren't you?" Meredith asks. "Don't get me wrong…I know I probably deserve it…but…"
"Make what hard for you?" Lexie asks.
"I guess I'm sort of wondering if maybe you'd want to come with me to visit Sadie if I were to go…I mean, you don't have to…I just thought…" Meredith continues to stammer.
"I'd love to!" Lexie says brightly.
"You'd love to? You'd love to go visit a mental hospital? You really have a warped sense of fun!" Meredith quips.
Lexie laughs nervously. "I'd love to go with you if that will help you…Let me know when and where and I'll be there," Lexie says.
"Thank you," Meredith says sincerely.
(Break)
That night, Derek lies in bed next to Meredith. "So are you dark and twisty or bright and shiny tonight?" he asks.
"Definitely dark and twisty," Meredith replies.
"What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?" Derek asks.
"So much. What would you say if I told you that Lexie and I were going to visit Sadie tomorrow?" she asks.
"I'd say I'm glad. You need to find some kind of closure on this whole thing…" Derek says, pulling her close.
" I'm scared," Meredith admits.
"Are you going alone?" Derek asks.
Meredith shakes her head. "I asked Lexie to come with me," she says.
"That's great. I think it's great that you two are getting closer. I like her. And Mark likes her a lot," Derek says.
"We are getting closer. And I feel like she has a connection to Sadie too. I don't know. Maybe I'm putting too much on her. I'm complicated. You're the only one who can handle me," Meredith says with a half smile.
"Give Lexie a chance. I think you'll find that she's a lot tougher than you give her credit for. She is dating Mark! I'm mean, if that doesn't show that a person can handle tough times, nothing does," Derek says, smiling.
"Wish me luck?" she says.
"You don't need luck," Derek says.
"What do I need then?" Meredith asks
"This." Derek says as he slowly removes her nightgown.
(Break)
"What do you think I should wear?" Lexie asks.
"You really want my opinion? Okay. I think you should wear fishnet stockings, high heels and a push up bra," Mark says.
"Why? So they can lock me up with the rest of the patients?" Lexie laughs.
"No…so you can look really hot when you come home," Mark replies.
"I'm being serious. I'm really nervous. I'm totally going to be late. I'm not even packed yet. Please! Just answer me. What should I wear?" Lexie pleads.
"I already answered you. But you didn't like my answer. What are you so nervous about?" Mark asks. "You're a doctor. A psychiatric facility shouldn't be such a shock to you…" Mark points out.
"I'm not nervous about that. I'm nervous about the 3 hour car ride with Meredith. What are we going to talk about? And then we're staying over night because Meredith doesn't want to drive there and back in one day. So we're getting a hotel room…what if I'm annoying?" Lexie says.
"Okay. See…here's the thing. I'm not a girl. I don't know these weird girl rules. I don't know what you should talk about. I do feel strongly about the attire. Fishnets would be so hot," Mark says.
"But what if…" Lexie begins again.
"Lex…when I said I was all in, I didn't mean I was a chick. I love you, McSweetie…but here's a phone. Go call a girl friend and ask her these questions. But give me one more kiss before you do," he says.
Lexie kisses him before he leaves to get in the shower. She calls after him, "Who will I call? I don't have any friends!" she says.
As Lexie hears the water run, she stares at the phone. "I don't know who to call," she whispers.
She looks at her hospital directory and eliminates all of the interns immediately. Since she went to the chief about the petition, she has not been popular among them. She eliminates Cristina, because her fragile ego just can't handle another round of her cutting comments. She remembers Izzie's offer of friendship and decides to see if she really meant what she said.
"Hello?" Izzie says, as she picks up her phone. She does not recognize the number on the caller I.D.
"Hi Izzie. It's Lexie. Lexie Grey. I…ummm…well…I'm going on a little road trip with Meredith…we're ummm…going to a psychiatric facility and well…I had some wardrobe questions and I was wondering if…well…" As Lexie falters, Izzie jumps in.
"Wow! That's great. I'm so glad Meredith is finally getting the help she needs. I mean, these last few years with the whole 'I love Derek…I don't love Derek' thing and the whole drowning attempt and the hand in the bomb. Not to mention dead mommy in the locker….I mean, I think it's great that she is finally seeking help," Izzie says, sincerely.
Lexie gasps. "It's not Meredith…it's…"
Izzie jumps in again. "Oh my god. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that. I mean, I should have known right off the bat. Listen, Lexie…everyone needs help sometimes. It's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed. I won't tell anyone…And I think it's really nice that Meredith is going with you…" Izzie says.
"No! It's not me! We're going to visit Sadie and…"
"You're going to visit Sadie? And you want wardrobe advice? You're going to visit Sadie, who held Meredith at gun point and you want to know what to wear? You might want to check and see if you can all get a group rate," Izzie says.
"Okay. This was a bad idea. I'm sorry for bothering you. I should probably just pack," Lexie says.
Izzie hears the dejected tone in Lexie's voice and realizes that Lexie is reaching out. "I'm sorry. I had a long day. I was on call last night and I'm exhausted. I'm on my way home. I can meet you at your apartment and help you pack on my way. Okay?" she says.
Lexie breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank you. Thank you so much!" she says.
(Break)
"Seriously, Mer?" Cristina asks.
"Seriously." Meredith replies.
"But why? Cut your losses here. You're safe now," Cristina asks.
"Can't you just be my person and say, 'whatever you need to do, I support you?'" Meredith asks, tiredly.
"I just don't understand why you are taking Lexapedia with you. I mean, you've done this total 180 where she is concerned. I just don't understand…" Cristina says.
"What if I told you I don't understand either, but that I just need you to be support me. Could you do that?" Meredith asks.
Cristina sighs. "You're my person," she replies.
(break)
Owen and Alex walk down the hospital corridor.
"So why did you page me?" Alex asks.
"I wanted you to help me amputate a leg. Are you up for it?" Owen asks.
"Up for it? Of course. It's the freaking highlight of my day! I've been in the damn pit all morning and then I just got a message from Izzie that she's not meeting me for lunch because she has to go help Lexie pick out an outfit. I mean, seriously? Pick out an outfit? She's going to a mental hospital, not the prom!" Alex says, annoyed.
"I'm learning to navigate this world of women in this hospital. The one thing I'm learning is that they seem to be fiercely loyal to one another. I get that. As an army guy, I know what it means to stand with your comrades no matter what," Owen points out.
"Yeah. When they're shooting at you! No one is shooting at Izzie. Why would Lexie and Meredith go visit that wack job anyway?" Alex wonders out loud.
"You know, you're pretty unsympathetic towards Sadie…" Owen points out.
"I wrestled her to the ground while she held my friend at gun point. Yeah…I'm having a tough time mustering up a whole lot of sympathy," Alex says.
"You know, PTSD can do a lot of strange things to your mind...from what I hear, that's her diagnosis," Owen says.
"PTSD…isn't that another term for, 'I'm a whiny spoiled brat who can't deal with the crap that life threw at me?' The way I see it, we all have crap in our lives. You deal with it or you don't…you don't get to point a gun at people…" Alex says, callously.
"Guess your crap just wasn't as bad as hers. Go back to the pit. I'll amputate the leg myself," Owen says, walking away.
(Break)
"Thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it. So let me show you what I packed…I have two pairs of jeans, these two shirts. I wanted to bring one going out outfit. I mean, I know Meredith likes to drink, so I thought she might want to go out to a bar or something, so I should have something to wear just in case…and then I…" Lexie rambles until Izzie cuts in.
"Okay…Let's just stop here. You don't really need my help to pack, do you?" Izzie asks.
"What do you mean? You said you'd come over and…" Lexie stammers.
"Yes. And I'm here, and I'll help you fold your clothes and help you match your shirts to your pants if that's really what you need, but I don't think it is. You're nervous about travelling with Meredith, so let's shove your stuff in a bag and I'll give you a crash course in Meredith-land," Izzie says.
"Meredith-land?" Lexie repeats.
"Yeah…Meredith is kind of in her own world. I've lived with her for a few years now. I speak her language. For example….you ask Meredith how she is. When she says, 'fine' what does she mean?" Izzie asks.
"Ummm…that she's fine. Nothing major going on in her life?" Lexie asks.
"Nope. She means, 'There is drama going on in my head right now that is so enormous that I can't find the words in my limited emotional vocabulary to express it, so I need you to ask me more specific questions if you are ever going to uncover what the actual drama is," she says.
"Okay. So now I'm more nervous than I was before. Izzie, this is going to be weird. Weird, and awkward and just totally bizarre. I'm taking my first road trip with my dark and twisty sister and it's to a psychiatric facility to visit our friend who pointed a gun at her and thought she was trying to kill me. This isn't exactly how I imagined bonding with Meredith…" Lexie explains.
Izzie laughs. "You're right. But you know what? Meredith may be dark, twisty, emotionally stunted and all of the things we mock her endlessly for…but once she cares about you and trusts you, she's the most loyal and wonderful friend you can ask for. She was incredible to me when Denny died. I can't even begin to tell you what a friend she was…" Izzie says. "That's why we all put up with Meredith's self-centered whining about Derek…in between whining, she's the best friend you can have. And I bet that will be true as a sister too."
"I hope so. I just…I want this to go well…" Lexie says.
"I hope it does. But even if it doesn't…it's not your last chance," Izzie points out.
Lexie thinks about that for a moment. "You're right. It's not my last chance…"
(Break)
Meredith sits in the driver's seat as Lexie climbs into the passenger's seat. Derek and Mark finish loading the trunk.
"How long did you girls say you were going to be gone?" Mark asks.
"Judging by the amount of luggage we just loaded, we're not seeing them for at least a month," Derek replies.
"Two days," Meredith says.
"Well, technically one night. I mean it is two days, but it's only one night," Lexie adds.
"Thank you, Lexapedia," Meredith replies, tensely.
Lexie bites her nails. Already Meredith is snapping at her.
"Well have a good time. Derek and I are going to hit a few strip clubs. Have a few beers…you know…" Mark says.
"Yeah…and then McHorny over here woke up…" Derek says.
"It's McSteamy! How many times do I have to tell you?" Mark replies.
"I love you, Mer. Have a good trip. Call me to let me know that you arrived safely," Derek says.
"I love you too. Thanks for everything," Meredith replies, kissing Derek.
"Bye Lexie. You're the hottest piece of ass I ever saw," Mark says, then he leans in and whispers, "And I love you more than anything. Call me from the road."
"I heard that…" Derek says.
Lexie reaches up and touches his face. "I love you, Mark," she says, sincerely.
"Drive carefully, Meredith. You've got precious cargo…" Mark says.
As Meredith and Lexie pull away, Mark looks at Derek. "So what do we do now?" he asks.
"What do you mean?" Derek asks.
"I mean I miss her already. What did I do when I was a single bastard," Mark asks.
"You had a lot of sex with Torres in the on call room," Derek points out.
"Not even remotely interested…" Mark replies.
"Then I say, we go get a beer," Derek suggests.
(Break)
"So, I brought some CDs for the trip. Do you want to listen to some Billy Joel? I think he's the best road trip music. I brought…" Lexie stops when Meredith cuts her off.
"Lexie. You're doing me a favor by coming with me. I'm really grateful. You don't have to try so hard. Relax," Meredith says, smiling.
Lexie takes a deep breath and smiles back. "Thanks. You just saved me about 3 hours of major anxiety," she says.
"No problem. And for the record, I love Billy Joel. Put it in," Meredith replies.
Lexie puts in a CD and the two of them drive along in silence for a few minutes, until Lexie says.
"You're really lucky, Meredith,"
"Lucky? Me? Why?" Meredith asks.
"Well…you have such a great life here. You have this perfect relationship with Derek, and this perfect group of friends. I mean, you have Cristina to give you a reality check whenever you need it. You have Izzie, who is probably one of the world's nicest people, and you have Alex and George who care about you too. Not to mention that Mark thinks the world of you. You're a really good doctor, you have everything going for you… I hope I can look at my life a year from now and have everything you have," Lexie says.
Meredith laughs. "Derek always tells me to see the glass as half full. I see it as half empty. I look at my life and do you want to know what I see? I see that I have this wonderful guy that I couldn't possibly deserve and that any day now, he's going to wake up and realize it and run as far away as he can. I have a wonderful group of friends who are on loan for the time during which we are doing our residency. When we finish, we'll probably all scatter and who knows if we'll ever see each other again. And I have this half sister who has it all. She's brilliant…with a photographic memory…she has a family…a real one. She's the type of person who instantly makes you like her even when you don't want to, and the kind of person who's always happy and smiles a lot. She's the kind of person I'm so jealous of that it's hard for me to get too close to and yet I have no choice because she won't go away…" Meredith explains.
Lexie laughs back at Meredith. "Wow. It's amazing how we can have half the same genes and see things so differently. Derek isn't going to leave you. And neither am I. And for the record…you didn't instantly like me, and neither did any of your friends…well…except for Izzie," Lexie points out.
"And George," Meredith adds.
"So what was Sadie like before all of this happened?" Lexie asks.
"She was always a little nuts. We had so much fun together though. It was such a dark period in both of our lives, although I never knew how dark it was for her. She used to do the craziest things to get attention from guys. One time, she pretended she was going to jump off a bridge if this guy didn't buy her a drink. You should have seen his face. It was hysterical," Meredith reminisces.
"I'm sad for her. I mean, I know we're supposed to be angry about what happened, but I think it's really sad that someone's life can be that hard," Lexie says.
"Me too," Meredith agrees.
They drive along in silence each lost in their own thoughts until Lexie says, "Can I ask you a question? About the diary?"
Meredith nods.
"Did you really mean all those things you said about me? I mean, wishing my face would be burned? How could you feel that way about me and then turn around and tell me how highly you think of me?" Lexie asks.
Meredith sighs. "I don't know. I mean, I know what you want to hear. You want to hear me say that I felt that way at first but there's no way I could ever feel that way now. That I love you so much, I can't imagine anything so awful every happening to you. But the truth is, sometimes I still feel that way. The fact that our father chose you brings out the worst in me. On a good day, when I'm feeling strong, I love that I have a sister. On a bad day, when I'm feeling badly about myself, I look at you and see the girl I could have been…and yes…then maybe I still want to burn you a little," Meredith explains, smiling a little bit at the end trying to lighten the mood.
"You're right. The truth wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear," Lexie says, sadly.
"I'm sorry. I wish I were the sister you wanted," Meredith says.
Lexie sighs. "But you're the one I've got. So sometimes if you want to scar my face or something, I guess I'll have to live with it."
They pull up in front of the psychiatric facility. "Here we are…" Meredith says.
******
Thanks so much to all who reviewed! Sunnycait…it's good to see you again!
So I was going to end this story after the next chapter, but then A Lady of Paris gave me a great idea, so it looks like we may be going on for a while!!!
Let me know what you think!! PLEASE read and review!!!
Jess