Callie sits next to Mark and shows him a stack of x-rays. "Miraculously, all of her bones, tendons and nerves are intact. Her range of motion will be uncompromised…her surgical skills should be unaffected. But Mark, these burns…I mean…can you…you know…there's not even any skin that is…" Callie's voice trails off as she looks at the strained look on Mark's face.
"Do you think I don't know that? I looked! I looked for one little patch of skin which I could grow more skin from. I know what it takes to do a skin graft! You need undamaged skin, dammit! And Lexie doesn't have any," he explodes at Callie.
Derek walks in followed by Dr. Bailey and sees Mark yelling at Callie and says, "Mark, calm down. Lexie needs you to stay calm. You are one of the top plastic surgeons in the country. You can figure this out…but you need a cool head. Miranda has volunteered to help you research the options. Why don't the two of you sit down and see what you can come up with," Derek says, evenly.
"Dr. Sloan, I would be honored to work with you on this," Dr. Bailey says.
Mark fights his urge to snap at her with a snide comment and simply accepts her help. "Thank you," he says, graciously.
(Break)
"Lexie, how are you feeling?" Izzie asks.
"Do you want the truth?" Lexie asks.
"I don't know if they told you, but I am officially your doctor, so yeah…I'm going to need the truth," Izzie replies sitting down.
"Doctors usually don't sit down when they talk to a patient," Lexie comments.
"Would you rather I stood and acted like we weren't friends?" Izzie asks.
"No. I could use a friend right about now," Lexie admits.
"Okay…so I'm like a doctor friend…" Izzie says.
"A doctor friend? You totally would have been a great pediatrician," Lexie says.
"Maybe. If I were a pediatrician, the kids might actually answer me when I asked them how they were feeling. So I'll ask you again…how are you feeling?" Izzie asks.
Lexie begins to cry despite her best efforts not to.
"Lexie…" Izzie says, for lack of anything else to say.
"How am I feeling? It feels like my body is still on fire! Like the flames were never put out. It hurts…it hurts so much, but I can't tell them that…so I'm telling you…because I can't tell them," Lexie cries.
"Can't tell who?" Izzie asks.
"Mark and Meredith. Mark is barely hanging on. The only thing keeping him from completely losing it is that he is going to have to be my plastic surgeon, well…that and Derek. And then there's Meredith…I can't tell her anything because she's all screwed up and she somehow thinks this is her fault because of what she wrote in her diary. So I can't tell them that the pain is excruciating and that when they sit here and want to hold my hand it's my worst nightmare because the slightest touch is like being tortured. So, I'm telling you…because you're my doctor…and my friend…my doctor friend," Lexie says.
"So you'd say on a scale of 1-10, your pain level is a 10?" Izzie asks.
"On a scale of 1-10?" Lexie asks. "About a thousand and one," Lexie says, trying to stop herself from crying.
Izzie sits next to her. "The first thing we need to do is get your pain under control. We can't get a line in you, but there is no reason we can't get you some pain medication. Let me see what we can do," Izzie says, making a note in Lexie's chart. "I'll check on that and come right back."
As Izzie reaches the door, Lexie says, "Izzie?"
Izzie turns around. "What?"
"I still haven't seen it. My burns. No one brought me a mirror. Could you find me one? I want to see…I need to see…" Lexie says.
Izzie smiles brightly. "Sure! I'll see if I can find one," she says, with a falsely cheerful tone.
(Break)
"She wants a mirror," Izzie says.
"So get her one," Cristina replies.
"You saw what she looks like! Don't you think that will destroy her? I mean seriously, Cristina! You just think I should hand her a mirror and say, 'sorry you look like the loch ness monster?'" Izzie snaps.
"No. I think you should give her a mirror and not say anything. She's the patient. She has a right to see her own injuries," Cristina says.
"You're not giving her a mirror," Meredith says.
Izzie smiles smugly at Cristina. "See? Meredith thinks I shouldn't give her the mirror."
Cristina rolls her eyes. "Meredith spends her free time providing a friendly smile to serial killers at their execution. Do you really want to use her as your frame of reference for sound judgement?"
Alex chimes in. "I think you should give her the mirror. She's going to be permanently disfigured. She's going to have to get used to the idea."
"Alex!" Izzie says, horrified at his bluntness.
"What? Oh! Sorry! Are we pretending that she's going to be fine?" Alex asks.
Izzie looks at Meredith and kicks Alex under the table. Alex sighs. "Come on, Iz. I know Meredith's here. Mer…you're a big girl. You know that Lexie's going to probably never look human again. She'll probably always look like a burn victim. It's sad and it's awful, but pretending it's not real doesn't make it any less true," he says, matter-of-factly.
"Sometimes I like you, Evil Spawn," Cristina says.
Izzie glares at him. "Medical miracles happen every day," she says.
"And for every miracle there are a million cases that end up very predictably. You want to bank on Lexie being that miracle? Come on, Iz," Alex says.
Meredith picks up her tray. "Lexie doesn't know Sadie is dead," she says, standing up.
Everyone stares at Meredith.
"You didn't tell her?" Cristina asks.
"Nope. I don't think she can handle it right now. I'll tell her when I think she's ready," Meredith says.
"You're playing with fire, Mer," Cristina says, shaking her head.
(break)
"What do you think of this study?" Dr. Bailey says.
"Probably the same thing I think of the last 10 studies you've shown me. That it's too risky for my girlfriend, and not effective enough." Mark says.
"Dr. Sloan, like you and the rest of the doctors who are concerned about Lexie, I have not slept in 24 hours. I may be incapable of making a sound decision, however, I've now read this study 6 times, and I like to think that I have a pretty good handle on medical terminology. If I'm not too exhausted to think straight, and you're not too stubborn to listen, I think this might work," Dr. Bailey says.
Mark takes the copy of the study out of Dr. Bailey's hand and reads it. Dr. Bailey stares anxiously at him and waits.
"It's never been done…" Mark says when he looks up.
"But it looks like it can be. Someone has to be the first. Do you have a better idea?" Dr. Bailey asks.
Mark puts his head in his hands. "No. I don't. I don't have any ideas…I have none," he says.
"Then try mine, Dr. Sloan." Dr. Bailey replies.
Mark lifts his head and looks at her. "Okay. As long as you'll scrub in with me. I'm going to need all the help I can get," he says.
(Break)
"I prescribed you Percoset for the pain. It won't eliminate it completely, but it will take the edge off. Mark and Dr. Bailey want to come in for a consult later, and it will be easier for you to hear what they have to say if you aren't writhing in pain, so here…as your doctor friend, I order you to take these," Izzie says.
"Thank you…" Lexie says, making no motion to grab the pills. She waits while Izzie holds the pills. "Please…it hurts too much to move my arms," she admits.
"Oh…I'm sorry," Izzie says as she places the pills on Lexie's tongue and holds a glass of water to her lips.
Lexie swallows. "Thank you," she whispers. "Izzie…please don't tell them," she says.
"Tell who what?" Izzie asks.
"Mark and Meredith. Don't tell them how much pain I'm in. Please…I don't want them to hurt," Lexie says.
Izzie nods. "I promise. I won't," she says.
"Did you bring it?" Lexie asks.
"Bring what?"
"The mirror…I want to know what I look like. I need to know what Mark sees when he looks at me…" Lexie says.
"You already know what Mark sees when he looks at you…he sees you," Izzie says.
Lexie sighs. "Yeah…but I need to know what that is right now," she says.
"I'll ummm…bring one by tomorrow," Izzie says.
"Thanks," Lexie says.
Suddenly Izzie is overcome by the huge obstacles Lexie has ahead of her. She is overwhelmed by her responsibility as a doctor and as a friend and she finds herself fighting back tears. She turns and heads to the door so that Lexie will not see her in this emotional state.
"Izzie?" Lexie says, sounding like a small child.
"Yes?" Izzie replies.
"What hospital is Sadie in? Do you think I can contact her? Is she okay?" she asks.
Izzie pauses. "I – I don't know. I'll ummm…ask Meredith," she says, hurrying out of the room.
Izzie rushes into the hallway where she sees Cristina who asks, "Hey. How's Lexie doing? Does she know she doesn't need a monster mask for Halloween yet?"
Izzie breaks down and begins to sob. "Shut up! Your jokes aren't funny! You can't deal so you make jokes. I get that! But she's in so much pain! She's scared and no one will tell her the truth and I can't do it! I can't be the one to show her what she looks like, and I can't be the one to tell her that Sadie is dead! Where is Meredith? Where is Mark? Why aren't they answering the questions! It should be them telling her! It should be them…not me!" she says.
Cristina waits for Izzie to catch her breath. "Okay...so tomorrow, you're going to wish you had your breakdown in front of someone else, but since I'm the only one here now, I want you to know that I really do feel badly about what happened to Lexie. And I know a thing or two about handling what no one else can. I know you've always resented Meredith and I and our friendship…" Cristina says.
Izzie rolls her eyes. "This isn't about your friendship with Meredith or our petty girl drama, Cristina," she warns.
"No…hear me out on this one…" Cristina demands. "You never understood why Meredith relies on me and not you. But it's because when she needs someone to be straight with her who do you think it is…it's not Derek…he's too emotionally involved. I am the one who takes care of her by telling her the truth…and that makes me a good friend. You want to be a good friend to Lexie, tell her the truth. Or you can just be one more person who can't handle it, and who she has to protect," she explains.
Izzie thinks about this for a moment. "Thank you for your input," she says.
Cristina laughs. "You're welcome. And for what it's worth, I think you can do it…" she says as she turns around and leaves.
(Break)
Alex and Owen place their trays down next to Izzie and Cristina.
"You don't look good, Iz," Alex says.
"Wow…someone's not getting laid tonight," Cristina says, sarcastically.
"Well she doesn't look good. Iz…you need sleep. Come home tonight and relax. Get some sleep and let me take care of you," Alex says.
"I can't. Mark and Bailey are working on this new technique to replace Lexie's skin and I don't know anything about it. I have to read up on it. I have so much to catch up on. I can't leave the hospital. I just can't, Alex. You have to understand!" Izzie snaps.
"Woah…Iz…I'm not mad. I'm just worried about you," Alex says.
"You guys have all been under a lot of stress. Is there anything I can do?" Owen asks.
Cristina looks at him. "Yes. There is something," she says.
"Okay. What can I do?" she asks.
"You and Alex can be there for Derek so he can be there for Meredith and Mark," Cristina says.
Owen and Alex look at each other. "Okay…we can do that," Owen agrees.
"Yeah…we can. But what's in it for you, Yang? Don't you usually want to Mer's night in shining armor?" Alex asks.
Cristina gives him a withering look. "This is serious. This isn't a question of sleeping with the wrong guy or drinking too much tequila. This isn't about me…it's about her, and she needs all the help she can get. I know when to put my own needs aside," she says, glancing at Izzie.
Meredith and Derek walk over and put their trays down.
"Meredith! How are you? I haven't seen you in a few days. I've been in Lexie's room working on keeping her wounds from becoming infected, but you haven't been there. Is everything okay?" Izzie gushes.
Derek gives Izzie a warning look. "What?" Izzie asks. "She hasn't been by at all. I was worried!" Izzie explains.
"I can't visit Lexie," Meredith says, simply.
"Why not?" Izzie asks.
"Dude…why do I think these two are going to go at it in a second?" Alex whispers to Derek.
"Izzie…Meredith feels like it might be better if…" Derek begins.
"Don't make excuses for me! I don't owe anyone an explanation!" Meredith snaps.
"Seriously? Knock it off! All of you! Mer…if you can't see Lexie it's fine. I'm sure Izzie will deliver flowers for you, or something. Izzie…no judging. Derek, no apologizing. There! Are we done?" Cristina says.
Everyone is silent for a moment. "I think we're done," Derek says with a small smile.
Izzie and Meredith both nod.
"Well…I don't know about all of you, but I think I have to get back to work…" Alex says.
"Me too," Owen says. "Hey, Shepherd…why don't you join Karev and I for a beer later."
Derek looks at Meredith for approval. "What?" she asks. "I can survive a night without you. I don't need you to babysit me all day and night. Go have fun," Meredith says with an edge to her voice.
There is a tense, uncomfortable silence at the table before everyone starts to disperse. As everyone empties their trays, Izzie touches Meredith's shoulder. "Mer…I'm sorry if I…"
Meredith shakes her head. "No. I'm sorry. I'm freaking out. I don't know how to be a sister. And I know I'm screwing this all up. And to top it all off, Derek is being incredibly supportive. He's supportive way beyond what I deserve. He won't tell me that I'm being incredibly dark and twisty and self-centered which I'm only being because I don't know what to say to Lexie when I walk in there and she asks me what happened to Sadie and I don't know what to do when she asks me if she can see herself in a mirror," Meredith admits.
"She's in tremendous pain. I prescribed her more percoset than I've ever prescribed a patient before," Izzie blurts out.
"What? She told me she was doing all right…" Meredith says.
"Yeah. I'm not supposed to tell you and Mark, and I'm still not telling Mark. But I am telling you because you're freaking out about what to say to her and worried that she's not strong enough to handle the truth, but she is. She's been protecting you all along. She's stronger than any of you give her credit for," Izzie says.
Meredith looks away. "But I'm not. I can't do it, Iz. I just cant."
Izzie nods. "I understand. Why don't you come by her room in an hour…okay? Nothing deep…we'll just all hang out. Bring Cristina too if she'll come. If the boys are going to Joe's, we're going to have our own party. Okay?"
"Thanks," Meredith says, gratefully.
(Break)
Mark sits on the end of Lexie's bed. "Hey gorgeous!" he says with a plastered on smile.
"I wouldn't know…no one will let me see the extent of the damage," she says, annoyed.
"It doesn't matter, because I think I've found a way to make you all better. I don't have all the details worked out, but I'm working on it. In the meantime, can I just sit here with you? I miss you, Little Grey," he says.
"I'd love that. I miss you too. Mark?" she says.
"What?" he asks.
"If this is too much…I mean…I know you're used to a certain level of well…I mean, you've always been a guy who is surrounded by beautiful women. I may never be…well…" Lexie stops as Mark holds up his hand indicating that she should stop speaking.
"Let me ask you a question," Mark says.
"Okay…" Lexie replies.
"If I had a terrible accident and was left a quadriplegic with no hope of ever using any muscles below my neck again would you leave me?" he asks.
"No! Of course not!" Lexie says, immediately.
"Would you want to leave me and stay only of out of obligation?" Mark asks.
"No! I would never…" Lexie replies, horrified.
"Then don't hold me to a lower standard. It's insulting," Mark says, with an edge to his voice.
"Mark…I…" Lexie stammers.
"No. I love you. You're not some girl I screw in the on call room and forget about. I told you I love you. What good is being a good person if no one believes you?" Mark says.
"I believe you…I'm sorry. Thank you for being here," Lexie says.
"I'm not going anywhere, Lexie…" he promises.
(Break)
Izzie walks into Lexie's room holding something behind her back and sits down.
"Thank you for the medication. It's helped a little. Not a lot, but on a scale of 1-10 I'm down to about a 50…" Lexie says, wryly.
"You're welcome. It's the least I could do for you. I've been a good doctor, but I haven't been a very good friend. I owe you an apology," Izzie says.
"What do you mean?" Lexie asks.
"Friends are honest with each other, and I haven't been honest with you," Izzie admits.
"Am I going to die?" Lexie asks. "Is that what you have to tell me? I feel like there are things no one wants to say to me, but I don't know what they are. Is that it? How much time do I have?"
Izzie shakes her head. "No. Amazingly, your internal organs held up pretty well and if we can keep you from becoming septic, you're going to live a nice long life. The good news is that there is no nerve damage so you'll be able to operate again. We'll just have to work on the swelling in your extremities because right now I doubt you could hold a scalpel, but once that's taken care of and your pain is under control, you'll be able to resume normal activities," she says, optimistically.
"So what is it? What does no one want to tell me?" Lexie asks.
"There are two things. First of all, Lexie…I'm really sorry, but Sadie didn't make it. Meredith knows more about what happened because she was actually there, but she died before the helicopter arrived. We brought her back with us, but she was already gone. I'm really sorry…I know that despite everything, you and Meredith cared about her," Izzie says, gently.
Lexie's eyes fill with tears. "I can't believe it. She kept telling me she knew the way and that we'd get out safely. She wrapped me in a blanket to put out the flames on my clothing and carried me outside. She promised me we'd both be safe…" Lexie says outloud.
"Maybe she's safer now, Lexie…life was really hard for her…" Izzie suggests.
"What's the other thing?" Lexie asks.
"What?" Izzie asks, knowing what she means, but wanting to buy some time.
"The other thing no one wants to tell me." Lexie says, tensely.
"Here," Izzie says, holding out a hand mirror towards Lexie.
"Thank you," Lexie says, tentatively as she takes the mirror from Izzie but does not hold it up to her face yet.
"You don't have to…but well…I thought if maybe you wanted to see…well…I mean, it's your body and I…" Izzie stammers.
"Izzie? Can you do me a favor?" Lexie asks, in a very small voice.
"Can you hold my hand while I look?" Lexie asks.
"But you said that it…" Izzie asks.
"I said that it hurts when people touch me…I know. But THIS is going to hurt and I'll need something to distract me from the pain. So please…squeeze hard…" Lexie pleads.
"Okay," Izzie says, taking Lexie's hand.
In Lexie's other hand, she holds the small mirror. She holds it up to her face and gasps as she sees her charred, swollen flesh. "This is what he sees?" Lexie asks.
"Yes." Izzie whispers, squeezing Lexie's hand as hard as she can.
(Break)
Mark sits next to Derek and says, "Hey buddy…can you take a look at this for a minute?"
"Yeah. What is it?" Just some notes that I made on this study that Bailey found. I think it could work…" he says.
Derek reads thoughtfully. "It's never been completed successfully," Derek notes.
"Yes…but I made a few changes. Look…if you grow the skin sample using mitochondrial…" Mark begins.
"Wait a minute. This is major. This isn't the time to be a hero…You can't just take a hypothetical procedure and apply it to the love of your life. There are huge risks. Sepsis, toxemia, gangrene…" Derek begins.
"I know the risks! But I can't do nothing!" Mark explodes.
"Why not. Her organs aren't damaged. Her life can go on pretty much as normal once she heals," Derek explains.
"Normal? Have you seen her?" Mark says.
"I thought you didn't care about her looks. You just loved Lexie Grey for her inner beauty," Derek challenges.
"I do. But the world is a cruel place. I mean, she is beautiful, Derek…but will anyone but me know that? Will she be able to walk into a patient's room and explain a procedure and have the patient see anything but her burns? When I eventually pop the question, will the sales lady at the store look at her with pity when she tries on wedding dresses? She deserves to feel beautiful. She deserves to have her outside match her inside," Mark says, passionately.
Derek sighs. "Why don't we think about this later. Come have a beer with us at Joe's. You look like you need to get out. I'm meeting Owen and Alex. From what I hear, the girls are hanging out with Lexie tonight. She's taken care of. Come with us. Get your mind off of everything…" he says.
"Thanks man. I'll meet you there…" Mark replies.
(Break)
Meredith walks into Lexie's room and sees Lexie and Izzie gripping hands as Lexie stares in the small mirror.
"Lexie…I…" she stammers as she watches Lexie's stunned expression.
Lexie throws the mirror across the room and Meredith jumps at the sound of it shattering into a million pieces.
"Sadie is dead! You should have told me!" Lexie fires angrily at Meredith.
"I'm sorry, Lexie. I'm really sorry. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if you could handle the truth so I…" Meredith tries to explain.
"You didn't know if I could handle the truth? I read your damn diaries where you fantasized about this happening to me, and still I risked my life for you that night when Sadie had you at gun point. I pretended to be her dead sister having no idea what I was doing! I went to Dr. Wyatt's therapy sessions with you and listened to those horribly disturbing tapes! I went with you to the psychiatric facility where I got caught in a fire and miraculously survived. If I haven't proved that I'm strong enough to handle anything life may throw at me, then I don't know what else I can do!" Lexie rants.
Meredith apologizes again. "I'm sorry, Lexie. Really…I am," she says.
"Just get out, Meredith!" Lexie says, closing her eyes.
"Okay…I-I'm sorry…." She says again.
Meredith walks out of the room where Cristina is standing in the hallway. "Woah…what happened to you?" Cristina asks.
"She knows everything. Izzie told her. She hates me. She threw me out…" Meredith says, sinking to the floor and putting her head in her hands.
"Get up!" Cristina says, dragging Meredith to her feet.
"What are you doing?" Meredith asks as Cristina opens the door to Lexie's room and pulls her in.
"I thought I told you to get out!" Lexie says, angrily.
"I said I was sorry…please…" Meredith begs.
"Lexie…please…Meredith had your best interests…" Izzie says, trying to reason with her.
"Best interests? Seriously?" Lexie says, sarcastically.
"Okay! All of you, stop! Meredith, no more apologizing, Izzie, no more peacemaking, and Lexie, no more yelling! I don't do drama, so I'm going to paint this picture as it is, without all of your petty emotions and feelings and all that stuff that I don't do. Lexie, you got burned in a fire. You're terribly disfigured and Meredith thought you could use some time before you could handle the news of your disfigurement and the death of your friend. Izzie did what Izzie does best. She meddled. She gave into Lexie's wishes to know the truth and did it so Meredith didn't have to. Lexie, you got everything you asked for, Meredith, you didn't have to be the bearer of bad news, and Izzie, you got to be the annoying meddler that you usually are. So there. Everyone should be happy. And on that note, I brought soda which we are all going to pretend is tequila since I am pretty sure serving real tequila to a patient would get us fired faster than interns removing appendix from each other or cutting someone's LVAD wire, or operating on patients when your fiancé has a tremor or trying to kill a death row inmate. So here…drink the ginger ale and let's talk about something interesting," Cristina says.
Izzie, Meredith and Lexie stare silently at Cristina and then at each other before Meredith breaks the silence.
"I had a patient today who we thought had a tumor, but it turns out he eats balls of yarn. Swallows them whole…" she says.
"That's better than the Judy doll guy!" Izzie says as all four of them laugh.
****
Thank so much for all the reviews everyone! I am so sorry I didn't get back to everyone personally this week. I had two very sick toddlers on my hands. But they are all better now, so I'm back in action!
I can't wait to hear what you think so far…
Can't believe there is no new Grey's this Thurs…that sucks! I'll post a chapter on Thurs to make up for it!
Jess