When we got home, I went straight to my room and crawled into bed, burying myself under the covers and trying to get some sleep while some daylight still existed. I couldn't believe that now Ben was suspended, and Kevin and his friends were gonna go after that Soc's brother. I just felt like things were getting worse and worse, and couldn't really see any end in sight.

I crossed my arms against my chest and pulled my knees up. Darry always said that I reminded him of a cat when I slept like that. Along with being scared all the time, I had also started to feel perpetually cold. Not just chilly, but freezing. I noticed I was actually shivering even then, under the covers. I'm sure the thoughts I was thinking didn't help.

I couldn't avoid Steve forever. Granted, I had always avoided him as best I could, and he never exactly went out of his way to be around me, either, but, inevitably, we were going to end up in the same place at the same time, and I was terribly afraid of how I was going to handle it. Just thinking about it, I felt my stomach clench and had to work at not getting sick.

He hated me. He already had hated me, before any of this, that's what I was struggling to understand. I had always thought sex was something that had to do with love. I was no expert, but I certainly didn't think it was anything you'd ever want from someone you hated. I simply couldn't understand why anybody would take something that was supposed to be good and turn it into a tool for causing hurt and fear. Nothing had changed; he still hated me, which is why, at the back of my mind all the time was the thought that he would try again, to get what he had been after the first time. In a way, I almost wished he had raped me, that he had gotten what he wanted, because maybe then I wouldn't be so scared to death about him coming back for it.

I knew I should be doing homework, but I didn't feel capable of doing anything other than lying under my covers, hiding. Finally, I must have fallen asleep, because I was awakened by a knock at the door. I didn't answer.

The door opened and Darry came in. I could tell it was him by the sound of his footsteps. He came over and sat on the bed, pulling the covers back gently off my head.

"Hey, baby," he said, pushing my hair out of my face.

I didn't answer him. I didn't move.

"How did school go?" he asked.

I was sure Soda had already told him.

"Cut it out, Darry. I know Soda told you." I spoke into my pillow.

"Soda's not here. He went out with Steve before I got home."

I felt myself tighten at the name. The name, only. Jesus Christ. Just hearing his name is making my heart race? It's just a word. It's not like a word can hurt you. I was so angry at myself about how out of control this was getting. God, I had somehow found the strength to get through losing my parents, now I was letting this break me? I hated myself for how weak I was.

Darry sensed my distress but seemed to think it was about what happened at school.

"What happened, Scout?"

"Nothing, forget it," I answered, still not even looking up. He put his hand under my head and turned it around.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

"Ben got suspended. He got in a fight with a Soc 'cause he was talking about me."

"What'd he say?" Darry asked.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Look, Scout, you know that anybody who says anything to you about this is lower than dirt."

I didn't answer. I was sick of talking about it. For the millionth time since it happened, I wished it all away. I wanted window washers on my mind, to just sweep everything away to the side so it would disappear behind me into the wind, making everything look and feel clear and right again.

"C'mon, I made dinner," he said. "Pork and beans." He grabbed my hand to pull me up, then recoiled.

"Whoa, you're freezing," he said.

"I'm fine," I said, getting up, though the thought of eating made me feel sick.

I said nothing at dinner, lifting the fork to my mouth repeatedly, trying to get Darry to believe I was actually eating something. He and Ponyboy were discussing something to do with football and penalties, but I wasn't listening. More than once I caught Darry staring at me with a concerned look on his face, but I just quickly looked down at my plate.

"Scout, you have to start eating again."

"I'm not hungry, Darry. When I'm hungry, I'll eat."

"Well it'd better be soon, because I don't want you passing out or something from malnutrition, they'll think I'm not feeding you.

I picked up a forkful and shoved it into my mouth. Damned Social Services, the threat of them would guilt us into just about anything.

After dinner, I went immediately back into my room and crawled back into bed. Pony came in and took my books. I knew he was going to do my homework for me again. God knows, I wasn't gonna do it. If Darry had noticed that Pony was doing it, he hadn't said anything when he checked it. I think Pony had even made some careless mistakes, like I always did, on purpose, just to make it look legitimate.

Later that night, as I lay there, I heard Two-Bit come in. Soda had come in just after we had finished dinner, and I could hear him and Pony playing cards in the living room. I knew Two-Bit was going to tell Soda and Pony about what had been said to send Ben over the edge. That was only confirmed when I heard Soda say, angrily,

"I'm glad Ben was there, then. Scout doesn't have to listen to that kind of bullshit. I'll kill that little jerk myself."

"Yeah, well I think Sweeney and Jakes and Kevin are on it. They're none too pleased about it." Two-Bit always had all the latest gossip.

"Sweeney and Jakes? What do they care? They hardly even know Scout." Now Darry was getting involved. He had been in the kitchen. That was the last thing I needed. I didn't like where this was going. The only reason Sweeney and Jakes would care is if Ben had told Kevin about our kissing, and now I was being seen as Cummings property, to be protected and defended.

"Yeah, well, they are close with Kevin. And Ben is Kevin's brother…and you know, Ben and Scout are always together…" Two-Bit was talking like he had been put on the spot.

Great, thanks, Two-Bit, I thought, though I knew he couldn't help himself.

"Yeah, well, they didn't seem too concerned when Scout was missing… Why do they care all of a sudden?"

Two-Bit sounded defensive. "I don't know. I guess you have to ask Kevin, Darry. I'm just telling you what I heard."

"I think I will," he said. I heard the front door open and close. Crap.

I lay back on my bed and waited. I knew that Darry would be back. I just wasn't sure how much he would know.

It took less than an hour. I listened to the boys in the living room, talking about girls, cars- guy stuff. I heard the front door open and slam shut again.

"Where's Scout?" It was Darry, of course.

"In her room." Soda said. "Hey, Dar, can me and Pony go with Two-Bit down to the Dairy Queen?" I didn't have to see him to know that Darry was checking his watch.

"You be back by ten," he said. "I mean it, Two-Bit. They come back late, it's you who's in trouble."

"Aye-Aye Cap'n" Two-Bit is such a wiseass sometimes.

I waited for the knock. It wasn't long.

"Come in," I said. He opened the door and peeked in.

"Just come in," I said, sitting up. I had a feeling I knew where this conversation was going.

He came in and sat on the bed.

"So, you talked to Kevin?" I asked, staring at my feet.

"I did," he said. "And Ben."

"And?" I decided to let him start the conversation. It was destined to be awkward, regardless.

"And…" he said, "I wish Mom were here to have this conversation with you."

I was surprised. That was not at all what I had expected him to say. I had been preparing myself for a lecture.

"But she isn't," he added, "I'm what you're stuck with. So I'm gonna try it."

I suddenly realized that as hard as it was for me to not have a female role model, it was probably at least twice as hard to for Darry to try to be one for me. I realized that me holding back was only going to make things harder for both of us, so I decided to be as honest as I could, about Ben, anyway.

"Go ahead, Darry, ask me," I said. "I'll tell you what you want to know."

Darry looked surprised and like he wasn't sure what to ask first.

"So…you and Ben…it's more, now?"

Lying was just not worth it. Ben and Darry were both too important to me.

"We kissed."

Darry took a deep breath. I realized that I had just complicated his job as my guardian by admitting my best friend was more than a friend.

"Scout, was it because of… what happened to you?"

I realized that Darry was thinking that nearly getting raped had made me feel like anything was suddenly permissible, that, because I had been violated, no barriers existed. And maybe even that Ben had taken advantage of me feeling that way.

I was relieved to know that what he had been thinking had been far worse than the truth.

"No, it was before that. That night, when I was drinking at his house… I wanted to kiss him. I just… I like him, as… well, more than a friend." Darry appeared strangely relieved.

"So it was your idea?" he asked.

"Yeah, I said. "I kissed him, then I was feeling sick from drinking. Nice, huh? I kissed him then I tripped on the fence trying to run home and threw up. He took me home and took care of me. He was good to me, Darry. He's good to me." I almost felt good for a moment, thinking about Ben. Darry did laugh at me throwing up after kissing him.

"You know that you might be complicating things for your friendship, right?" This was true big-brother advice. I did know it.

"I know."

He looked at me, clearly wanting to say something, but hesitating.

"Scout, what happened to you – you getting hurt – that doesn't count, you know that, right? I mean, that doesn't count, as your … first time doing anything, or even close. I mean… that's not how it really is, that stuff. Your first time comes only with your permission. What happened to you – that was… violence. That wasn't…

"Sex? I know, Darry." He was at once horrified and relieved that I knew what he meant.

"Yeah. That's what I meant," he said. "I just… I don't want you to think everything about sex is scary or bad. I mean, when the time comes for you, when you're thirty," he said, almost seriously, "I don't want you to have to be afraid. It should never, ever be scary, or else it isn't right."

"Dar?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to give me the talk, if you're worried about that. Mom fit that in before they died." My mom had given me the whole sex talk in sixth grade when I had started asking questions about stuff I saw happening in other cars at the drive-in.

Darry seemed immensely relieved.

"I guess she didn't expect me to get… well, practically raped, though."

He nodded. "I hope, wherever she is, she doesn't know…" Darry said. "We shoulda…"

"No," I said. "We're done with blame. It belongs to none of us."

"Right," Darry said, "but…"

"You know what, Darry? Maybe I should just talk," I suggested. "Because I know exactly what happened, and how I feel." As much as I didn't want to talk about the other thing, this I could handle.

He actually looked relieved by that as well.

"I just like Ben, Darry. And I felt for a while like I wanted to kiss him. Just kiss him. I'm twelve. My plans didn't go past that. He did kiss me back but nothing more. I don't have plans for more, and he doesn't ask for anything more. And he takes care of me, and you have no reason to be mad or upset with him, or Kevin or his friends, either, because they just look out for me. I hate what happened to me, and what people think they can say to me because of it, but I know what happened doesn't make me what they say."

"No, it doesn't," Darry agreed. "And anybody else talks to you like that again, and you let us know and we'll take care of it. Anything else?"

"Just…"

"What?"

"Thanks for trying, I mean, you know, at least thinking about the stuff that would have been Mom's job. I know it must be weird for you. I mean, it's weird for me too. But thanks."

He hugged me. "I hope you realize this means you and Ben's alone time is going to be a lot more supervised."

I hadn't thought about that. "But how are we gonna be able to talk about all of you?" I asked, half serious.

"I guess you'll just have to stop talking about me," he said.

"It's okay, Darry. I understand."

"Well, I hope Ben does too."

"He will."

"So, there is one more thing," he said, hesitantly.

"What?"

"Where'd you get the alcohol, Scout?"

I hung my head. I knew how disappointing this was for him, after he had just started trusting me.

"I took it from our refrigerator," I said. "I knew nobody was keeping track."

"Well, you can be pretty sure that somebody will be now," he said.

"I won't do it again, Dar. I learned my lesson." Had I ever.

"Scout, what happened to you had nothing to do with that. Payback for kids sneaking around drinking should mean a night hanging your head over the toilet bowl, not what happened to you. I can't tell you enough, this was not your fault."

I didn't answer. He took my hand, rubbing it between his. It was still freezing.

Soda and Ponyboy came crashing through the front door just then, and Darry told me to get to bed. I set into motion my farce of preparing to sleep, though I knew exactly how it would end up.

Everyone else headed off to their respective beds, and the house eventually settled into sleep. As soon as everything was quiet, I headed out to the kitchen with my blanket and pillow, ready to spend another night of endless negotiations with the fear and worry that I was coming to despise in myself.

A/N: Thanks for reviewing. Don't worry, Steve will eventually show up again.