I knew on Sunday morning I wouldn't be able to sleep past ten because Darry was home. Since he was such an early riser, he started to go out of his mind if we weren't all awake by then, thinking about all the potential for productivity we were missing out on. Darry pretty much saw sleep as a waste of time, but was unable to deny the necessity of partaking in at least some slumber.
True to form, he was at my door, right at ten, knocking.
"Scout, it's ten. Get your lazy butt out of bed."
I didn't even have the energy to be annoyed at being called lazy. I had only been asleep for four hours. The sleep deficit I was accumulating was becoming insurmountable. I wasn't quite sure how I would get through a full week of school if things didn't change.
I completely ignored him, knowing full-well that he'd be back. He was, in about fifteen minutes, actually coming in this time.
"Scout, get up. I know you haven't done any homework yet, and I don't want to have to be on your case about it tonight."
I didn't even bother to argue- I knew I wouldn't win. I was so tired that I wanted to cry, though.
I opened my eyes and turned my head to see Darry staring at me.
"Fine, Darry," I said. "I'm up."
He continued to stare until I actually sat up and threw off the covers.
"I'm up," I repeated.
"Good," he said. "After you eat, you get on that homework."
I had no plans to eat. I took a shower and sat at my desk, completely unable to concentrate, especially on the math, where I was completely lost, since Pony had done my homework for the past week. Finally, I managed to at least attempt an answer for everything, and I wandered out into the kitchen. It was almost two. Darry was starting something for dinner.
"I'm making pot roast," he said. He knew I loved that. I knew this was a ploy to try to get me to eat. I hadn't had breakfast, or lunch either.
"Where is everybody?" I asked.
"The car," Darry said. I had forgotten that I told Soda I would help him paint it. I wandered outside. It turned out they weren't painting. I guess the parts that Soda had been waiting for had come in, and Steve had dropped them off at the house before work that morning. I didn't like the thought that Steve had been in the house while I had been sleeping, at all.
Soda had Ponyboy working with him, which I found pretty funny. Ponyboy can write and draw great, but his hands are definitely not meant for fixing things. He's usually the one breaking things around the house.
"Hey, sleepy," Soda said, reaching out to grab me but when I saw all the grease on his hands I backed away.
"I just took a shower, Soda," I said. "You're dirty!" He laughed, and chased me around the yard trying to grab me. I'm sure he could have if he wanted to, but I ran up to the car, opened the back door and threw myself in, locking the door.
"You win," he said, laughing. I reached into the front seat and turned on the radio, rolling down the passenger window so I could still talk to them while they were working. I lay down across the back seat and had to laugh at how uncomfortable it was. The mechanics of the car might be almost fixed, but the inside still left quite a bit to be desired. I stretched across the seat, feeling the springs digging into my back, but thinking that maybe I could catch a few more minutes of sleep. I listened to Pony and Soda's friendly bickering over the sound of the radio.
"Glory, Pony, didn't anyone ever teach you how to use a wrench? You call that tight?"
"Well, I didn't wanna bust it off, Soda."
"It's made of steel, Pony. You ain't gonna break steel. You ain't no goddamn superman."
I drifted off listening to the two of them. I felt kinda safe for the moment, surrounded by a big hunk of metal, knowing that Soda and Pony were right there.
I awoke to the driver's side door slamming, and someone putting the key into the ignition. I was about to put my head back down when I heard Soda from outside the car, saying,
"Alright, Steve, give it a go!"
I sat up straight. Steve was in the car? Steve was in the car?
I must have startled him by sitting up, because he immediately looked into the rear-view mirror. Our eyes met there.
"Jesus, Soda, you didn't tell me the kid was in here!" he yelled.
Soda laughed. "I forgot. Scout, you been sleepin'?"
I didn't answer. My eyes were frozen to the mirror. Steve's eyes stared back at me. They looked nothing like they had that night. I didn't see evil; I only felt it. I was frozen, again. Zero at the Bone. My heart was pounding out of my chest, again.
"Hey, kid," he said.
"Hey," I managed to whisper. I have no idea how I sounded. I was willing every muscle in my body to open the door and get out of the car, but I couldn't move. I was fighting back everything- screams, tears, panic, sickness.
"Heard you had some trouble," he said, our eyes still locked in the mirror. He turned the key and the car came to life.
I couldn't read him. I couldn't figure out if he was playing dumb, and he remembered everything, or if he had no idea what he had done. Maybe it was a mixture of both. His eyes told me nothing, and his voice was perfectly calm. Either way, my reaction was the same: total fear. Suddenly the other back door opened and a body slid in next to me, taking my hand. I jumped.
"So, where we goin'?" It was Ben, he must have heard Steve start the car and come over.
"Jesus, Scout, you're freezin'!" He rubbed my hand between his, trying to warm it up. He slid over closer to me and I buried my head in his neck, wrapping my arms around him and trying to breathe normally.
He leaned into me. "Hey," he said, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lied, squeezing myself against him, "I'm just glad to see you," I said. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "You smell good," he said.
Thank you, God, I thought. If there were anything I needed at that exact moment that could calm me down, at all, it was Ben. His presence freed up my nervous system and I reached over and opened my door, climbing out and pulling Ben along with me.
"Hey, where you going?" Soda called after us. "We're gonna go for a ride."
"Later," I said, pulling Ben into our house.
I dragged him into the living room and pulled him down onto the couch with me.
"What's with you?" he asked. "Soda's been working on that car forever, he finally got it running, and you won't ride with him?"
"I just don't want to right now, okay?" I said. "Just sit with me?"
He threw his arm around my shoulders and I leaned against his chest, falling into his warmth. I knew it was going to be a long, sleepless night, and I was hoping for another hour or so of sleep. Darry came in and looked at us, wanting to say something, but, taking a good look at the situation, realized that we really weren't doing anything that was prohibited.
"Can you put on the TV, Darry?" I asked. He snapped it on, then sat in Dad's chair.
I was asleep within minutes, feeling the vibrations of Ben's chest over his heartbeat as he talked to Darry.
Finally, I felt Ben's hands under my chin, lifting me up.
"Hey, Scout," he said, gently, "I have to go home."
I was so comfortable against him, I didn't want him to leave.
I reluctantly picked up my head. I actually felt warm.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Six," Ben said, guiding me off of him, against the back of the couch.
"Dinnertime," Darry said, pulling me up. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but I followed him in to the kitchen.
"Bye, Ben," I said. "Thanks." I wasn't sure whether or not he knew why I was thanking him.
"See you tomorrow," he said. Ugh. School tomorrow.
I did the best I could to eat enough to make Darry happy, then went right back into my room.
I heard Soda telling Darry about his car- I had to admit, it was going to be good to have two cars again. I hadn't heard him this enthusiastic about anything since Sandy, and I felt a slight bit of happiness listening to him sound so excited.
I was sitting on my bed staring at the wall, when Darry knocked.
"You got homework for me to check?" he asked.
I got up and walked over to the desk, handing him my math book. "I had a little trouble," I admitted.
He sat down on my bed and opened the book, looking at it for a minute.
"Scout, you don't know how to do this, do you?" he asked.
"No," I admitted. I had no idea.
"Didn't she go over it in class?"
"I guess so," I said. "I had some trouble concentrating this week."
"I see that," he said. "Come into the kitchen."
He sat down at the table and I sat down next to him, while he walked me through the first problem. It was geometry- proofs. I hated them, but it was like they were made for Darry, one logical step after another. I have to admit, Darry has always been a really patient teacher. I could remember, as a little kid, that both Soda and Pony gave up on trying to teach me how to tie my shoes after only a couple of tries. I had sat out on the front steps crying, my kindergarten teacher having told the class that she was no longer willing to tie our shoes for us, until Darry found me there. He must have sat with me for two hours, teaching me, step by step, until I got it, displaying none of the frustration that Soda and Pony had taken out on me.
He made me do a couple more problems in front of him until he was sure that I understood how to do it on my own.
"Scout, you know you can ask for help if you don't get something."
This was the first time, ever, really, that I had no idea how to do my homework. I always made dumb mistakes, but that was because I tended to rush, not because I didn't know how to do it. Darry usually didn't have to teach me anything- he just had to find my mistakes.
"I know," I said.
"Alright, well, fix these, then you have to get to bed." I sat at the kitchen table and redid all the problems he hadn't gone over with me, then I brought my paper in to him in the living room to look at.
"Much better," he said, handing it back to me. I just stood there, biting my lip, hoping I'd be able to focus a little better this week.
"So…I'm gonna go to bed then," I said.
"'Night," Darry said.
"'Night Scout," Soda called from where he sat on the floor, watching television.
I turned and headed for the bathroom, washing up and ending up back in my bed, waiting for everyone else to turn in, as I had for the past week, so that I could head out to my safe haven, the kitchen floor.
At some point that night I actually fell asleep. I must have, because I woke up screaming. In the dream I was back in the car, lying in the back seat, when the door opened and Steve came in, holding me down against the seat. It was just like my last nightmare: everything felt frighteningly real. His hands were on me, his weight held me down. It was every bit as terrifying as when it had actually happened.
Darry must have been there in seconds, considering I was right outside his door.
"Scout, you're okay," he said. "It's just a nightmare again. It's just a dream."
I couldn't believe I woke everyone up again. I looked around, knowing that they must all be wondering what I was doing on the kitchen floor. I wiped my eyes and tried to shake off any lingering memories of what I had been dreaming about.
"You must have sleepwalked," Soda said. I was more than willing to go with that idea.
"I guess so," I said. "I'm okay now," I lied. "Sorry I woke you up again."
"Well, I can't complain, knowin' how long I've been doin' this to you all myself," Pony said, standing up from where he had been sitting next to me. "'Night, Scout," he said. Soda got up and followed him.
"G'night, Pony," I said, standing up. Darry stood up and walked me back to my bed, pulling my covers up over me, then sitting down.
"Is there anything I can do, Scout, to help you with this?"
"No," I said. There wasn't.
"Do you want to talk about it? About what you're dreaming?"
I closed my eyes.
"No." I was still hoping that, eventually, it would all go away. I would be able to think about other things again. I would go back to being myself, not this paranoid, pathetic shadow of a person.
I could feel Darry thinking, wishing he knew what to say, but I couldn't help. I had no idea what I wanted him to say, either. I wanted him to fix something that there seemed to be no way to fix.
"Go to bed, Darry," I told him. He sighed and got up, pulling my door closed behind him.
"Sleep tight, baby," he said. "Good dreams, okay?"
If only I got to choose, I wished.
..........
A/N: Okay, so I know you all wanted there to be huge drama when Scout and Steve met again... sometimes drama happens in a more subtle kind of way, at first. Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. ;-) Keep the reviews coming, I love them!