I decided not to ask Darry again about going with Soda until after dinner the next night. I even tried extra hard on my homework, hoping to get him in a good mood beforehand. When I brought it out, he looked it over, raising his eyebrows as he only circled one, the very last. Figures, I got careless right at the end.

"Well…better than usual, right?"

"I guess so," he managed a grin. "You did it, right?"

I nodded.

I sat down and fixed it, then got up, throwing my books onto my bed as I walked by, and heading down to Ponyboy's room. Now that I knew he wanted to be sticking up for me, it was time to put him to the test. I knocked, and he knew it was me.

"Come on in, Scout," he said.

I walked in and sat on the bed. He was sitting at his desk.

"Are you writing something?" I asked.

"Not really. Just working on some ideas."

"I hope you'll keep letting me read what you write, Pony. It really is good."

"Thanks. You come in here just to compliment my writing, or are you trying to butter me up about something?"

"No," I said. "Well, actually, kind of, yeah."

"What's up?"

"I want to go with Soda to see Sandy."

"Really? Why, Scout? Do you know what a long ride that will be? God, I just about went crazy in the truck going to the state meet, and that was only 6 hours or something."

"I don't care, Pony. I have to go. I have to talk to her. She's the only other person who really knows what I'm going through."

He was quiet and I knew he understood. For the first time ever, over the past two days, I had felt like Ponyboy actually understood me better than either Soda or Darry. I guess I was starting to see how everyone could say that we were so much alike.

"So, Darry said no, I assume?"

"He's thinking about it."

"What makes you think I can change his mind one way or the other?"

"I don't. I just want you on my side."

"Scout, I hope you realize that, whether we've been getting along or not, when it's really come down to it, I've pretty much always been on your side." I had known that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to hear him say it. I felt the same way towards him.

"I know… just… if he won't give in to me, maybe you could work on him, a little."

"I'm not usually the best one to get Darry to change his mind, you know."

I laughed. He was definitely right about that. Pony and Darry had come a long way, though.

"Just back me up if I need you to, okay?"

"Okay."

I was about to get up to leave, and Pony was turning back to his desk when I asked,

"Hey, Pony, in seventh grade, did you have to read that poem by that lady who was afraid of snakes?"

"Emily Dickinson. Yeah, why?"

"Did you ever feel that way, like she said in the poem? So scared you froze?"

He didn't answer right away.

"Yeah… when Johnny killed Bob. Actually I felt that way that whole night. 'Zero at the Bone,' right?"

"Yeah. Exactly." I knew he would remember.

"So… that's how this has been for you?" he asked, "that scary, huh?"

"Yeah."

"It'll get better. It will. It did for me."

"I hope so. I just… I think talking to Sandy might help."

"I'll do what I can, but it probably won't be much. Darry doesn't really care what I think."

"He cares more than you think he does," I said.

"Maybe," Pony said. "We'll see."

"Thanks, Pony," I said, getting up. He turned back to his writing.

"Don't thank me yet," he said, not turning around.

I left, closing the door behind me. I was surprised to find Darry in the living room talking to none other than Tim Shepard. I was going to try to just sneak past the door to my room, but he spotted me.

"Hey, kid," he said.

I stopped and leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey," I said quietly. Here was Tim, with whom I had, as Darry put it, "rolled around on a bed, fighting over a knife," and now I was feeling self-conscious around him. I had lied to him, right to his face. I was sure he thought that I was nothing but a coward, and I sort of even believed it myself.

"Why didn't 'cha tell me, kid? I woulda taken care of him for you."

"I know," I stared down at the floorboards. "I'm sorry, Tim. I just… I couldn't. I don't know why.""

"Don't be sorry, kid. I'm sure you had your reasons." He was forgiving me, for lying to him? I was waiting for the other shoe to drop- for him to tell me that he'd kill me if I ever lied to him again- but it didn't.

I just stood there, feeling stupid. Darry must have sensed my discomfort, because he came over and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Tim just came by to make sure you were doing alright."

"I heard what happened, at the school. He didn't hurt you again, did he?" For the life of me, I could not figure out why Tim Shepard was so nice to me. But I completely appreciated him for it.

"No," I said. "I'm okay."

"Glad to hear it," he said, almost smiling.

"Hey, Scout, I have to talk to Tim for a couple minutes, alone. You go finish up your homework, okay?"

I nodded.

"Bye, Tim," I said.

"Seeya, kid," he called after me as I left.

I went into my room and lay down on my bed. I had already finished my homework, and Darry knew it, but he knew I wouldn't argue with him, especially not in front of Tim.

He had to let me go with Soda, I decided. I had talked with both Ben and Anna about it at school that day, and they both agreed that talking to Sandy would probably help me. I had even asked Anna to talk to Alison for me… I knew Darry really respected Alison's advice and depended on her to help him with me, being the only female with whom he had any sort of trusting relationship besides me.

In my own mind, I was already planning, thinking about what I would say to Sandy when I saw her. I was sure she had felt like I did, that she was the only one he'd hurt, that she was in it all alone. I felt terrible that I had ever hated her, when none of this had been her fault.

I had to go. I had to.

I heard Soda come home, and heard him talking to Tim and Darry, and then was surprised to hear him knocking on my door. Usually he headed straight to the shower.

"Scout?"

"Yeah, come in," I said, and sat up. He came in and leaned against my dresser.

"You wanna…sit down?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm still dirty," he said. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down on the bed. I didn't care.

"Your bed's gonna smell like oil," he said.

"It's gonna smell like you," I said, "and that's not so bad." I did think of Soda whenever I smelled oil, and it didn't bother me.

"So… you don't usually visit me before you take a shower," I said.

"I know… just… I thought about this all day at work today, and I wanted to ask you something, before I talk to Darry about it."

"Okay."

"I know this is a huge thing to ask, and I'll understand if you say no, but I want you to come to Florida to see about Sandy with me. Would you?… come with me?"

I actually laughed out loud. Soda completely misinterpreted it.

"I know… it was stupid to ask. It's okay. I understand." He started to get up.

"No" I pulled him back down. "You don't get it. I want to go, Soda. I already asked Darry if I could, last night."

"You did?"

"Yeah, and I've been recruiting backup to try to get him to say yes all day. I want to go. I need to go. I need to talk to her, just the same as you do."

"I think so, too... that her talking to you is… I don't know… important. She knows that I wouldn't have ever let anything happen to you, if I knew... What did Darry say?"

"He's thinking about it."

"I'll get him to say yes." I knew Darry wouldn't say no to Soda and me both if it was what we really wanted.

"I hope so," I said. Soda stood up to leave.

"Hey, Soda?" I asked.

"Yeah?" He looked down at me.

"I just wanted to say… I mean… you don't have to hate him, just because of me. I understand…the drugs and everything…he has been a good friend to you, mostly."

"Mostly doesn't apply when he hurts the two girls you love, Scout. Don't worry. I'll deal with him, when it's time. Right now you and Sandy are more important."

There was something else I had wanted to ask, something I had been wondering about.

"Did he, you think…I mean…" I couldn't ask it right.

"What?"

"Why didn't… do you think he hurt Evie, too?"

"I don't think so. Two-Bit is trying to find out. She is pretty upset about all of this. I hope not, though."

"But why wouldn't he…if that was why he…"

Soda took a deep breath, and looked at me like he was deciding what to say.

"It's not the same, baby. What he did to you, and Sandy… it had nothing to do with…"

"Sex," I said. "I know."

"I was going to say love," Soda said, "but yeah, both."

"I get it," I said.

"I wish you didn't have to," Soda said, and I knew he was sad that, at twelve, I had to have any ideas about violence and sex.

"I know," I said, sadly. "Me too."

He stood up. "I need to take a shower," he said. "I'll talk to Darry after. I'll get him to let you come."

"Thanks, Soda,"

"I should be thanking you," he said. "I need you to come. She'll believe you… that I didn't know."

I lay back on my bed as Soda left to shower, eventually hearing Tim leave and Soda come out of the shower and talk to Darry. I tried to hear the conversation but was too lazy to get out of bed and listen at the door. I already knew what they were talking about. The phone rang as the two of them were talking, and Darry got up to take it in the kitchen. I could tell from his tone of voice that it was Alison. I just liked the way he sounded when he talked to her- the tinge of happiness that always colored his voice, even if the discussion was serious. Eventually I heard him hang up, and I was drifting off to sleep as I heard him come into the room.

I felt the bed sink as he sat down next to me.

"Scout, you're still in your clothes."

"Mmm." I had no energy to talk. I wanted to sleep.

"You activated all your reserves, huh?"

"Hmm?"

"Everybody wants you to go. They think you should go, with Soda. So, I give in. You win."

"Thanks…" I mumbled. I was barely awake. I felt him pull off my shoes and pull up the covers over me. I was surprised to feel his hand pushing my hair back. He kissed me on my forehead, and whispered in my ear:

"I hope it helps, baby… to make you better."

Me, too, I remember thinking, as sleep overtook me.

......................

A/N: Again, the poem referred to is A Narrow Fellow in the Grass, by Emily Dickinson. I know things are a little slow here, after all the action- thanks for sticking with me!

Go Pats! Oh yeah, my team got robbed! No Super Bowl for us this year! Go (insert your preferred team here)!