So where was I?
Oh that's right – the bedroom – us hugging –"I missed you, Derek" and then "I missed you too…." That heartfelt look he gave me when he broke away…
It was one of those brief moments where Derek is actually a sweet, vulnerable, genuinely good guy.
After the hug we just stood staring at each other for a little while. ( Both of us replaying where a different hug had taken us, I'm sure. )
"You never called or …" I didn't want to sound like some kind of shrew but I was hurt. He could have done something. I had so obviously been practically begging him to stay—to NOT go to Vancouver and live with Sally. He couldn't have doubted that I wanted a lot more than just a "Bon-Voyage bang" that night. Right?
"I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me. ..because of what…I didn't know how you felt about what had happened."
Derek rubbed at the back of his neck the way he always does when he feels awkward or embarrassed. He took a deep breath, "I think I kind of …took advantage of you."
What?
"What?"
This wasn't anywhere near where I thought his mind had gone all these months! He thought he had taken advantage of me? Didn't he remember the way I practically clawed his shirt off?
"I let things get out of hand. I shouldn't have done that," he added guiltily.
"You think it was a mistake?"
Oh… Did you hear that squishy wet plopping sound?
That was my heart actually falling out of my chest and hitting the ground between us. I now had no heart. I was now going to die for lack of a heart. Dead at only nineteen years of age and just one mere semester into college. (Granted I had packed quite a lot of achievement into that one semester. Enough achievement that your average slacker, aka Derek-my-suddenly regretful-stepbrother, would be thrilled to have accomplished in his entire lifetime of non-achievement.) Still, It was such a tragic waste of a promising young life like mine.
If I hadn't been so stunned to actually be having this conversation, after so many months of imagining it, I might have been crying.
"You think that you shouldn't have done that?" I said in a pathetic , whiny whisper (Also, it turned out that I was not, in fact, too stunned to be crying.) I sucked in a big tremulous sob that made Derek wince a little.
"No," he answered but he reached out a hand and stroked one of my cheeks. "Casey…" he groaned—like I was hurting him somehow!
I was the one crying—my heart a bloody, meaty mess on the floor between us.
He was the one basically killing all the various ridiculous fantasies I had allowed myself to have about what our seeing each other again might mean.
Now both his hands were on my face, "I live on the other side of the country…"
His groaning had turned fierce, "Do you understand how far away that is? Do you get that it is far, far away from all my friends, my home, my family and far away from you?"
The caress had turned into kind of a death grip. It sort of hurt.
"Derek…" I pried his finger from my face but he jerked my wrists to his chest. His fingers closed around my bones like iron shackles.
He had that murderously pissed off look again, only this time I hadn't done a thing to deserve it.
"And I live with my girlfriend… " He shook me then.
"My girlfriend—who is right down stairs—who is your friend—who my entire family probably hopes I'm going to fucking ask to marry me…"
I was trying really hard to keep my sobbing to a quiet level. No one else needed to know what was going on in my room—it wasn't that I was embarrassed—not for myself at least.
It just was suddenly so obvious to me what all Derek's fighting had been about—how lonely and boxed in he had been for the last five months.
"Derek…" I tried again.
"And we live in two completely different worlds now too! You're a student and I'm…" he trailed off and I think it was because I might have looked about ready to faint. I felt about ready to faint.
Derek's face drained of color and he looked at how he was bending my wrist bones towards each other—ready to snap them in his fists because of the way he'd been venting on me. "Oh my God, Casey!" His hands were back on my face, back to the original caress. "did I just hurt you? Are you okay?"
I was a little shaky (to tell the truth) but I thought admitting it might send him into another freaky fit of rage.
So, I tried to nod or smile instead. It wasn't going to work, "I'm scared," I whispered. Not of him—of course not of him—but for him and for us.
Because, clearly, he was close to his breaking point and it had gradually become clear to me that I was also approaching mine.
I didn't know how many more activities I could take on without a Harry Potter time-turner. The ones I'd managed to pack my life with obviously weren't giving me enough control.
And Derek!
I'd seen him lose it plenty of times in high school—something Sally had never witnessed prior to his moving in with her. (That particular facet of Derek's personality must have been a shock for her—she hadn't seen him very clearly even when he was showing her the nicer, more manageable parts of himself.)
She thought she was being a trooper by over-looking the goofy silverware-juggling, emotionally stunted, impulsive aspects of Derek.
Did she really think that version of Derek had managed to hang on to the infinite clout and dominance he wielded in (what was undeniably) his world?
Derek is, was, had always been, a loose cannon.
He didn't do feelings (like sympathy).
He didn't compromise.
He wouldn't back down or back off.
How the hell did she think he dealt with adversity?
Derek could be looking casual and calm as anything one minute and the very next minute he would be on top of some mouthy or defiant guy and pounding the crap out of him.
On the ice he was quick, unstoppable and ruthless—but off the ice—without all the trappings of pads, skates and penalties—he was worse.
During high school, I'd gone on family vacations and shopping trips and away games with him (where he was thrown into a mix of people who didn't know better) so I'd seen him pull plenty of those hair-trigger attacks that were now splashed all over the papers.
Why couldn't Sally defuse or distract him? It hadn't taken ME five months to get a handle on what made Derek tick and I hadn't been sleeping with him!
Like right now…Derek was starting the almost undetectable silent downward spiral of self-loathing that always followed his losing control.
"Derek…stop this…I'm fine. You're fine. No one downstairs even heard us," I crossed my arms in front of me and mustered up an eye roll.
"I've seen much worse from you, anyway! Remember the beach vacation—when that guy pinched my butt? Remember shopping in Toronto and those drunk frat boys coming up to the two of us in the Chinese restaurant? How about when Marti and I got lost in Montreal and the creepy guy insisting we get in his car?..."
I had about a thousand other examples I could have rattled off—at least a thousand!
Derek got stressed, angry, insulted, challenged or occasionally just unhappily surprised and, then, he sometimes lost it. I could usually catch it in time but occasionally I was…preoccupied by the situation or ….maybe wanted it to happen (and here I am thinking about the beach and that guy who pinched my butt because that pinch actually left a mark! So I was sort of glad that Derek broke his nose—or at least I think he broke his nose because there was A LOT of blood and the creep crumbling to the boardwalk and grabbing his face before Derek whispered "Run!" and grabbed my hand to haul me through the gathering crowd.)
Which is beside the point…the point being that I couldn't mention the thousand other things
Because Derek had grabbed me again and was kissing me.!
It was that kind of kissing where the other person seems to be trying to suck the air out of your lungs—like he might want you to be lying bloodless and cold at the end of it. One of Derek's arms came around my waist, crushing our bodies together. His other hand was against the back of my head holding me in place. There would be no pulling away like before.
And of course—Of Course!—we were pressed together tightly enough that I could feel him getting rock hard as the kiss lengthened—maybe he wouldn't want me bloodless and cold after-all?
Finally, he gave me a chance to breathe and his eyes were dark and angry.
Did I just brag about knowing him and knowing how to handle him?
Because sometimes—for example THIS time—I had no idea at all how his mind works.
"What?" I gasped out in the little space he had allowed me.
"I want you," he said.
...
Oh for Pete's sake!
Sit down!
It is still way to early for the happy squee dance—trust me!
Did you forget that he has a live-in girlfriend happily watching an after-dinner movie and munching popcorn on the floor below us?
And that the live-in girlfriend was watching the movie with OUR family! A family in which we are siblings.
Did you forget that not only those two major stumbling blocks were in the way but that basically everything that Derek said earlier was true—we lived on separate ends of the country and lived completely different lives…
Trust me…we didn't need to be reminded of it.
The earthy, growling, "I want you" took about a half second to change into something bitter and hard in his face.
He pushed me away from him—not hard but it still made me suck in a little moan of sadness.
"Right," I said and I sounded every bit the angry, about to cry jilted lover.
"Can you just do me one favor, Derek. Can you NOT screw your precious girlfriend in the next room? "
His eyebrows shot up.
"I mean, you have the rest of your life to do whatever you want with her, but I really don't want to have to hear the bed creaking, and your girlfriend screaming out your name…"
"Give me a break, Casey. The walls aren't that thin—I'm not forcing you to listen to anything…"
"The walls aren't that thin…" I mimicked him.
"Really? Do you know how many times I heard you while we were growing up?" I could tell he wasn't sure whether he believed me or not.
"You want proof? Fine!" I took a big breath—this could take a while…
"I know that you lost your virginity to my cousin Vicky—while she shouted directions! (How typical of Vicky! ) I know that Sandra wanted you to be more gentle and that Kendra wanted it harder…"
His face was getting a little red, and even though I might have wanted to believe that it was out of embarrassment, I knew it wasn't, of course! He was just getting pissed off!
"And you can just stop right there, mister, if you are about to accuse me of spying or intentionally listening; because even Marti heard you screw Amy with the way she was moaning and making cat noises at the top of her lungs! I had to tell your little sister that I had made those noises because I found a way to scratch my back with the fireplace tongs! "
Well, that left him speechless! I could have told on him and I hadn't—I'd even covered for him with his little sister!
"And I KNOW you snuck Emily in a few times senior year because she told me in full disgusting detail how great you were in the sack, not that I wouldn't have guessed it with all her giggling and screaming! Really! Did she think I couldn't recognize her voice saying your name over and over again? I mean, REALLY? After the way she constantly went on and on about you for the entire three years…"
"Okay! Okay!" he finally shouted at me. "I won't have sex while we're here!"
And let me tell you, NO ONE was more surprised than I was that he was agreeing to this! Derek not having sex for two weeks? Could it be done?
Derek is a very sexual person—those girls I mentioned were just the girls whose names I knew!
He usually picked up and screwed girls from the opposing hockey team's high school (as further evidence of his domination over them, I'm sure.) And he nearly always brought someone home from every party he went to…
Okay, so, basically, Derek was a total whore and I doubted he could go longer than a few days without doing it!
I sniffed and looked down—cause I was working up one of those eyebrow cocked challenges that ALWAYS got to him. (And why hadn't Sally figured that particular technique out yet either?—because I noticed that she was still trying the watery eyed pout on him and I'd known that tired approach wouldn't be effective within the first hour of meeting Derek. Strange. )
Sure enough the eyebrow got him. "What? You think I don't mean it," he scoffed at me.
"I just know how selfish you are. I know how mean you are too, and I think that you probably can't resist flaunting your relationship in front of me." I took several steps away from him. He looked at the space between us with an expression of dismay. "You're the one who let things get out of hand"—(Because hadn't he just admitted that that was the way he viewed what had happened?) "You're the one who took advantage of me when I was feeling vulnerable."
Derek squinted his eyes at me—he wasn't sure if I was trying to play him or not.
To tell the truth, I wasn't sure if I was trying to play him or not either! But I definitely knew that I didn't want to have to be a witness to him hanging all over Sally, letting her hang all over him, or listen in on whatever it is they did together in bed at night.
So I guess I looked like I meant it.
He nodded at me and then looked at the ground because he felt guilty …and embarrassed (because he rubbed at the back of his neck—Oh I know you so well Derek Venturi! ) And now for the piece de resistance…
"Besides Derek, you wouldn't want me to bring someone home the next time we are home together … or what if I meet up with an old boyfriend again and you have to watch me with him? You wouldn't like that."
I thought it was best to not try and threaten with Troy Pitt again—mostly because it wasn't a threat at all and we both knew it. But old boyfriends? Derek has always hated my old boyfriends.
I could tell just looking at him that I had him then!
"Fair enough," he finally ground out.
We exchanged a solemn, all-business look.
It was the old Derek and Casey then, Sherriff and Outlaw staring each other down—only the stakes had changed a little.
Or those stakes had just come out in the open; it was hard to tell.
He quietly slipped back out my room and went downstairs to watch "The Elf" with the rest of the family.
I could hear everyone laugh and occasionally say things to the screen or to each other—except for him. He was brooding.
And I was lying on my bed feeling absolutely smug!
Ha! Take that happy couple! If I was going to be cold and alone in my bed this holiday then at least I wasn't going to be the only one… both of you can lie there cold and lonely too! Ha ha!
So we had a week to get this McDonald reunion ready to go.
Of course I had to re-plan the entire thing! My mother's plans were nothing more than a timid jumble of wishes and good intentions—it was going to take a whip and chair to make things happen in this house–I know! I have been making things happen here for the past three years of my life! Five months "out of the game" hadn't mellowed me one bit. I was ready to whip this family into reunion preparedness.
Day One–
I made Derek rent a car (since he and Sally had flown in and didn't have one).
Thank God Edwin had just gotten his license! Because—no wonder George was so generous with loaning his car to Derek earlier—George was once again without a license!
But then—big shocker—it turned out that Derek couldn't rent a car because he had an impaired driving arrest in Vancouver and ALSO was without a license!
All of which came to light in the car rental office!
"MY Derek, you have certainly been busy getting into trouble since you moved—what with the fighting and the impaired driving! Don't the Cannucks mind that their star player is such a legal nuisance?" I asked him haughtily as I slipped the rental contract out of his fingers and handed it to Sally.
"It's too bad he doesn't have you there, Casey," George piped up.
"Nora mentioned how you've started a paralegal internship with a firm that specializes in those cases back in Toronto. And hadn't they already given you a "Most Valuable Asset to the Firm " award for the last two months running?"
My face felt hot as George beamed at me.
Derek turned slowly to face me.
"MY Casey, you certainly have been busy AS WELL, huh? Are there even any awards left to win in Toronto ?" Derek smirked at me.
Sally looked completely irritated with the discussion. She didn't get that Derek wasn't really complimenting me at all and had actually gotten a pretty good return slam out of that exchange.
But, then, she might have actually been irritable because of the way Derek shut her down the night before.
Every time I heard the sound of her voice becoming a seductive purr, I coughed or hummed really loud to remind Derek that I could hear him.
And that he could also hear me!
(Meaning, naturally, that he would hear me, IF I were to choose to do anything that might be worth hearing—which I made it clear enough I most certainly would entertain doing were I to hear anything myself.) Are you following this okay?
It might have been manipulative but I was completely sincere in my absolute horror at the possibility of hearing them go at it next door to me.
Not that I hadn't already heard them plenty of times before Sally left for university! Whatever it is that he does to her in bed... it makes her whine and complain about it ad nauseum : "Derek….I don't want you to leave a mark….I don't want to be on top…I don't want to go down on you….I don't want to…"
Apparently, Sally had a long, detailed, fully vocalized list of things she didn't want done.
I certainly didn't want to listen to her complaining about all the things she didn't want him to do to her while I was right next door wishing…no
…forget that…
After the car rental came the florist and the caterers.
—Sally was now the other driver so she had to take my mom and Marti to pick out food for the big reunion party.
My uncultured, gastronomically crude, culinarily vulgar, tasteless Neanderthal-like family had vetoed my input on what we were feeding the guests.
"I'm just saying that salmon sashimi and toasted sesame puff pastry is an elegant yet daringly unexpected alternative to what you planned, Mom."
"I was thinking roast beef and rolls, Casey. Maybe we could use your suggestions for a different party…in the future….sometime…." My mom was giving me her best apologetic smile. I scowled at her.
"I say we boil a package of hotdogs, chop 'em up and stick toothpicks in the pieces." Derek offered.
Everyone had insisted upon a pizza break back home, before I assigned them their next errands.
I folded my arms in front of me and turned my scowl on Derek. "If I'm getting voted out of the catering decisions then so is he," I said pointing at my stepbrother.
Sally reached over to pat him consolingly on the shoulder. I was still staring at him, annoyed about the food thing, but I think he misinterpreted it because he shrugged off her hand with a sheepish glance my way. It was hard to hide my smile.
"What are the two of you going to do while we're gone?" Sally was gathering up her purse and keys. It might have sounded like a polite, basically disinterested question but I knew better… Suspicious much?
Derek seemed oblivious to the tension between the three of us. He was staring at my list. "Looks like Casey and I are going to the florist—what the hell are we going to the florist for anyway? It's a reunion not a wedding.." he grumbled. But he sighed and took me by the arm to pull out the door with him.
Day two—
"Casey are you feeling alright? You kept having those coughing fits in the night." Sally was waiting for me to finish blow-drying my hair so she could take her shower.
She'd been a little more persistent with the purry voice last night and I'd had to practically fake an asthma attack on my side of the wall.
"Oh did you need to use the bathroom? I guess I can do this in my room!" My hair was already perfectly dry and gleaming though. I love my hair. I'd noticed that Sally forgot her blowdryer, because her hair was a little flat and stringy the day before. "Let me just get out of your way," I offered.
Just then, Derek emerged from his/their (gag) bedroom . He was shirtless and stretching. His thin grey sweatpants not really concealing the fact that he had a morning hard-on. Whoa…
"Hi hon," Sally hummed, suddenly ignoring my presence. Or maybe not really ignoring it at all? She smiled at him with a sort of arrogant "come and get it" type smile. "Want to join me in the shower?"
Oops I think I feel that asthma problem coming back to me! But I didn't really need to start the coughing theatrics, because not only had Derek completely missed Sally's "come and get it" smile but he was BLATENTLY looking ME up and down.
Soooo.. I may have been wrapped in only a towel and I may have blown my hair dry with the bathroom door open (when I usually keep it closed). No, I usually blow it dry in my room (to be perfectly honest)—but who can possibly be honest or even in her right mind with Derek Venturi a thin wall away?
And the not having sex thing…was only making things worse for me. I was becoming obsessed with the control I had: When I coughed –he shut her down. What a power trip!
Not only did I have the satisfaction of keeping him from "getting it on" with her but I had the thrill of knowing that he was over there—in the very next room—suffering—denying himself—because of me!
And I think he liked knowing the possibility that he wouldn't be able to hold out bugged me enough to keep me awake until Sally had thrown in the towel for the night.
Scratch that I think he liked it—I know he liked it. He looked so annoyingly full of himself the last morning at the breakfast table. And he looked pretty cocky again this morning when worked his way up to my face finally—after taking his sweet time to practically lick my entire body with his eyes.
"Derek?!" Sally's voice made both of us jump.
He rolled his eyes at her. "Do I want to join you, yeah, yeah. I heard you. My entire family is in this house. ..what do you think?" he said insolent and annoyed.
I was trying to get out of the way and get back to my room—sounded like they were about to get in an argument and I definitely did not want to stick around for it.
Derek grabbed my arm. "Hold on Case—"
I don't think either of us could hide what the skin on skin contact made us feel. I felt that touch all the way down my arm and between my legs.
"Can you…"his voice was embarrassingly hoarse . (Enough so that I actually felt bad for Sally!)
It must have been obvious!
Wasn't it obvious?
Hadn't it ALWAYS been obvious? What the hell was wrong with everyone?
"I was wondering…if you…would make me pancakes…"
So that day—Day two—was the bakery and the decorations… Sally made certain that Derek and she were on the same errand team for the day.
Which was not ultimately an opportune decision on her part…
Because Sally made the COLOSSAL mistake of pointing out a wedding cake to Derek!
Does she even know him at all?
I was really starting to reevaluate my opinion of her.
She has always seemed so helpful and easy-going and good natured…but was she really all those things?
I started thinking that what seemed easy-going was really just the expectation that things would eventually and unfailingly go the exact direction she wanted them to go.
What looked like a good nature was really a smug certainty that, with the right persuasion, the proper amount of manipulation, she could mold everyone around her into what she wanted them to be.
What appeared to be helpfulness was, in actuality, a spoiled girl wanting to be the center of everything.
I started to remember that –although she had offered to throw Marti her tenth birthday party—it was me who made the cake and found the princess costumes and planned the few games that we had ready. When she offered to make dinner that first night she came over it was me in the kitchen chopping everything and me getting burned so we could test the oil in the wok.
So I wasn't really feeling bad at all for her anymore. I was actually quite resentful by the time Marti did a hilarious impression of Sally looking at the wedding cake photos while they waited to pick up the cake for the party and pastries for Christmas morning. I was wrapping everything carefully in plastic before putting it in the freezer. While Marti mimicked Sally holding up the book of wedding cake photos to try and entice Derek to look at it with her.
"So then Smerek told her not to hold her breath –that she wouldn't be needing one of those any time soon. And Sally's face got really red and she called Smerek a bad word. And then she hit Smerek with the wedding cake picture book and marched out of the store! The bakery lady thought Sally was my mom and Smerek was my dad. She told me that even though my mom had abandoned me that I was still a good girl and she gave me a cupcake! Then Smerek called Sally a bad word and she gave me another cupcake! We have to do that more often! What else is on the errand list, Casey? Can someone pretend to leave me there?"
That night I didn't even need to cough.
Sally wasn't speaking to Derek because of his behavior at the bakery. My mom wasn't speaking to Sally because she had left Marti at the bakery along with Derek. Marti wasn't speaking to my mom because she couldn't eat any of the frozen pastries until Christmas morning.
I wasn't speaking to Marti because she used the streamers as toilet paper and flushed them ALL. George wasn't speaking to Edwin because Ed "drives like an maniac" and got a speeding ticket on the way to get the decorations. Then, Edwin wasn't speaking to Derek because Derek had laughed about the ticket. Lizzie wasn't speaking to George because he insisted she miss soccer practice to help he and Edwin pick out decorations. Derek wasn't speaking to Lizzie because Lizzie made Marti tell the bakery story at the dinner table. And NO ONE was speaking to me because I had "ruined their lives" with my list of errands.
The complexity of the situation made asking for the salt or more mashed potatoes at dinner nearly impossible.
You ran the risk of brushing fingertips with someone else who either hated your guts or whose guts you were busy hating.
We all gave up and went to bed early.
But the night wasn't all bad, because Derek slept on the couch. Yay me!
TBC
Author's note – sorry this sort of took longer than what I like it to take. I hate to ever go longer than a week and this was a week and one day! I should post again in a few days. And don't worry I would never leave something unfinished because it would drive me crazy to have an unfinished piece of writing –maybe I'm obsessive/compulsive.
Oh and big shout out to my sister—who is actually reading this—a fact which leaves me ridiculously proud!